I've read through a few threads on here and the one that really hit me hard was from user
flipspecial. It really broke me to pieces and I had a complete meltdown yesterday reading it. My situation is a little different. My wife and I have been married now for 10 years and we now have a 19 month old baby. It started out great and we we're having the time of our lives until out of nowhere, things started to go downhill meaning she didn't want to have sex as much, we didn't communicate as well, we didn't spend money wisely and so on. To be brief, she was a professing believer when we married, I was not, but didn't know it until some years later when God convicted me during a revival we we're attending. I professed but didn't posses until this revival. After this my life was changed and so was our marriage. Even still, she doesn't show hardly any interest in sex, shows very little care to do things around the house and so on. I admit I haven't been perfect either but I do my part as in manly things and always make sure she has everything she needs. Every since the baby, things went from bad to worse. She dedicates everything to this baby and I completely understand why, they're an amazing gift from God. However since the baby her negligence for me as her husband has went to full throttle. I work 10-12 hr days and come home to no meal. After she puts the baby to sleep, I want to have sex which she huffs and puffs about and sometimes will but most of the time just goes to bed leaving me hanging. I say all that to give you an idea of what our marriage looks like before I go into this new situation I'm in. The past few weeks have been the worst pain emotionally I've ever experienced. I believe it's God convicting me of the feelings I'm having but I need help and prayer because it's killing my inside. I feel like vomiting thinking about it. I can't hardly eat anything, my work performance is awful because I can't focus.
There is a coworker of mine that I've worked with now for about 18 months. Up to this point there has been absolutely nothing between us, just a typical work "good morning" and on about your day until about 2 weeks ago I could see she was very shaken about something. Me being the softy I am, asked her if she was ok. Well it let loose a hour long discussion about how her fiance was a drunk and treated her like crap and so on. Well I know her fiance personally and he is a troubled individual and she deserves much better. She is also a professing Christian that attends church regularly and lives the Christian life. Well after talking with her that day, I felt a connection with her like I've never felt before. I felt like I needed to continue to help her through her situation. Since this day, we started texting and talking on the phone about our situations helping each other with experience and scriptures. Well in my current state with my marriage hanging on a thread, something was happening I didn't realize until yesterday reading through Flip's thread. I saw the term "limerence" and after googling it I was like...that's not me because I'm not obsessed or infatuated for her, she just checks all of the boxes I want for a wife. My wife used to check all of the boxes but something has changed and she doesn't seem to care anymore. This friend of mine has told me over and over that she doesn't want me to leave my wife her for but if I did she was there. She keeps telling me that I need to pray and listen to God which I am doing. Yesterday I poured out my heart go God and told him, whatever it takes to lift this burden, pain, and conviction, do it because I'm at the end of my ropes. This friend of mind is a great person, she comes from a past similar to mine as in moved out early and forced to grow up sooner than most people. I don't really believe in divorce but have been studying on biblical principles that allow it because I have a hard time believing God wants people to remain miserable. I know that God hates divorce and that it's probably not the best way to go simply because of the pain, confusion and devastation it causes. There is absolutely nothing physical between us, it's nothing sexual, just emotional attachments right now. I feel deep down that because of my covenant to God and my wife, regardless of whether I'm happy or not that I'm obligated to honor it.
First, please pray for me, I'm in inner turmoil and can't function like this. I believe my brain is telling me what's right based on truth and my sinful heart is being deceived.
What I'm worried about is, that if I end this friendship and walk away that I'm missing out on something that could've been. She is a wonderful and strong person that I could easily be with because she possess everything I long for. Sometimes it feels like holiness trumps happiness. I have a hard time believing God wants someone to be miserable just to stay married. I've been praying for a long time to heal the marriage but nothing changes. To add to my mess, in my breakdown yesterday, I came out and told my wife what all I was feeling and why I believed I'm feeling like I am. She confessed to me her shortcomings and that she has put the baby first instead of God and would work to put God back first, then me, then the baby. This isn't the first time she's said this and nothing changed.
Please, if anyone has similar experience, help me.
Thank you.
My dear brother in Christ... My heart aches for you. My story is different than yours, because I chose to go the route of betraying my husband during a time when I felt utterly alone and incredibly abused and abandoned by him. Trust me, it is not the rose garden that you think it will be. I have paid a deep suffering. Now I am alone. I have been alone a long time. I believe that the celibate life I now life is part of the healing for me, and in part, the Lord's discipline. I would dearly like to see greater happiness for you, greater wholeness, greater peace. If you don't mind the advice of a sinner who has returned to God's ways... Otherwise, feel free to flip to the next post.
First let me say that you are not responsible for the temptation. We do not choose to be tempted. You are overworked, and stressed out. When that happens to husbands, they want to experience the love of their wives through sex. That hasn't been happening, and so you feel unloved. I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know what it feels like to feel unloved -- it's like a vacuum in your soul that hungers for affection.
Keep in mind that not all of this is your wife's choosing either. I can speak from experience that when we have a little one, God has designed our very bodies to produce hormones to attach us to that little blessing. The baby becomes more important than our own life. So the fact that she is obsessed is undoubtedly a hormonal thing. That doesn't mean she can't consciously make the effort to be with you. But consider that all those 10-12 hours you are at work, she is working too. Even when she sleeps, she is only half sleeping because she is monitoring the baby. Whether she has a job, or is a full time mom, I'm sure that in the evenings the baby becomes her responsibility. It is one of the most stressful jobs there is. By the time you get home, she is certainly going to be wiped out. Women's sexuality is not like men's. We are very complicated. Things like feeling overwhelmed, tired, anxious, preocuppied, put down, or beset by interpersonal strife are going to throw a wrench into the works of our libido. She may simply be being honest with you. She can't do it. Would you want to have sex with her knowing she was just laying there and having a perfectly miserable time?
That information doesn't really solve the problem, eh, but it may take away some of its sting. I'm saying she may very well be doingthe best she can be doing, just as you are.
The lack of sex when the kids are small is one of the most common problems in marriages, so please know that you have a lot of company! You can try to work things out, negotiate with your wife, find ways to lower her stress, figure out how to get home earlier so you can help out with the home (biggest foreplay: do the dishes). But in the end, time will pass, the little ones grow older, and you have more time and more of her attention, and things will be much more comfortable for you.
Let's turn our attention now to the temptation, water set before a thirsty man.
You are having what is called an emotional affair. No sexual activity has happened, but you are going to her for succor, for *intimate* advice, for deep companionship--those are things for which you are to go only to your wife. Many women will tell you that their man having an emotional affair is worse than if he had just gone to a prostitute. It's a betrayal of the heart, which promised to love and cherish the wife, not another.
The other woman is not going to give you what you think she is. Nor is she the ideal woman you are imagining her to be. You are infatuated, which means you are not seeing clearly. Any relationship you establish with her will be contaminated because it will be built on a rotten foundation, ready to crumble. You will never be able to trust each other to remain faithful, because your relationship was built upon infidelity. I desperately tried to explain this to my best friend about 20 years ago, and she divorced her husband for a man she was having an affair with. We reconnected last month, and she cried as she told me that she found out he had been unfaithful all throughout their marriage. Please, please, hear this, my brother. Your relationship with this woman is ALREADY fatally flawed. It has no real future. This beautiful possibility that you are imagining, that you are afraid of loosing, it is an illusion, a deceit born out of your body's hormones.
Let's talk about what is real. You have a covenantal relationship with a woman, and a beautiful baby. A family. You have no idea how lucky you are. Your marriage is strained right now, but life is like waves crashing at on the shore. They rise and break and rush, and then recede back into the deep, only to rise and break and rush once more. There is a certain beauty to their ebb and flow if you watch from a distance. The trick is not to get caught in the undertow. I guess what I'm trying to say is... This too shall pass.
Let's talk about what's right. What is right is to do everything possible to save your marriage. Are you ready to listen?
End things immediately with this woman. All unnecessary contact has to stop. Absolutely no phone calls, no texts, no emails. You see her only in the office, and you never EVER see her alone. If you have to go into a room with her, such as if you have to deliver a memo or something, make sure the door is left open. There is no seeing her at lunch, on break, or any other time outside of work. There is no sneaky stuff about praying together or any of that. If she violates any of this, block her immediately (phone, email, etc.) It's over, and it's over now.
Make sure that when you end it with her, that you apologize to her as well. This really wasn't fair to her. Her heart obviously got entangled, and you were not an available man. There is no way to do this without hurting her. Pull the bandaid off quickly.
Your problems began long before this affair. Indeed the affair is simply the symptom of the problem. When the affair is ended, your work has just begun. It is work for the both of you. I notice you were saying she has some insight into her share of the problem, but that her insight doesn't seem to ever result in any substantial changes. You need to follow that up. Find out what is stopping her from changing. It requires patience, real listening on both your parts, and a desire by both of you to make this work.
Did you tell her about the affair? You said you had bared your heart about how you felt, but it wasn't clear whether you told her you had fallen for another woman. I don't want to make any assumptions.
Remember, the affair is a symptom of the underlying problems. If you can't work this out between the two of you, get some help. I believe in the wisdom of seeking the advice of counselors, and marriage counselors are specially trained in teaching us conflict resolution and problem solving.
In the meantime, try to remember that no matter how much you want sex, no one dies for lack of sex. I haven't had sex in 18 years, and I'm stilling living, breathing, and indeed am a very happy person. You are going to be okay. Really, you are. Life goes on, and things have away of working themselves out. As long as we don't do incredibly stupid things, they usually work out in our favor. Waves come and go.
