Married man but having feelings for another woman

[Sam91]

My dear brother, I getcha! So glad to hear you are trying to fight this! Very familiar with neglect, also abuse, in marriage...and the strong temptation, when treated kindly by an opposite sex co-worker or a kind Christian. I have twice told on myself, TO THE SPOUSE of the person I was attracted to. The other time, went immediately to someone I respected in the church to set up accountability.
I have another suggestion, as a female. Tell your wife you love her (fill-in-the-blank body part) - it's just perfect. Walk up behind her in the kitchen and gently stroke her neck, play with her hair a little, and walk away. Admire something else about her the next day. If her main "attitude problem" is that she needs more of your time and attention, see what you can do. Figure out her "love language", do something she likes. Approach sex like a guy on a date who is trying to gradually seduce the girl - ALL EVENING. Did you stare at your phone or the TV the whole time then? Or did you look in her eyes, ask her about her day, and etc? Get the book...sex begins in the kitchen. It's difficult to resist those who find us attractive and desirable...and this is what's going on with the co-worker. You can set up the exact same dynamic...with your wife!

The complimenting the body part idea is all well and good; as long as she doesn't feel like an object. She needs to feel appreciated and respected emotionally or that won't work. I agree with the latter though.

Your wife after the child goes to bed is in need of time where no one wants or needs anything. She may need to rest or might benefit from time out the house going for a walk or something. You could try asking her how she feels at the end of a day.

It is hard a child needing you all day and not even being allowed to go to the bathroom for a minute or two. You are on alert the whole time, if you manage to go alone, so your ears are straining to know what the little one is up too and rushing about your business.

If being asked to deal with your needs to it is so much more pressure. However, after seeing to her needs for a little space or rest. Talking to her, or doing something with her. The dynamic can be changed from you demanding intimacy to it being something you both want to enjoy.

 

[Sam91]

I have been married nearly 20 years and my wife is a lot like that. Sex has become functional rather than enjoyable and that in itself leaves me with strong temptation to cheat on her sometimes although I never have. She doesnt put much effort into our relationship, if any at all. I have to lead in any effort in our relationship and I do sometimes get some response to it. We have talked about it and she says she will try but never does. Occasionally she will say something has brought us closer together but it never lasts. I have told her the truth that I got fed up of putting all of the effort into making our relationship work and she needs to as well but to no avail. She too is more interested in the children than me. I'd say the order is children, God, her mum, and then maybe me. She works with children as well and the children she works with seem to be more important to her than me and they are not even her own children.

I have prayed about it and now focus on God, hobbies and work more to fill the void left in my relationship. Its working fairly well at the moment. My focus in on what I do and not other people. My desire for sex has also greatly diminished as a result of it being functional for so long.

One other point is the claim that looking after a child is like a full time job. If anyone really believes that they they really need to look at themselves. When my daughter was born I was working normal Monday - Friday hours and my wife was working shifts. She wanted to do shifts that would allow us to take care of our daughter without the need for childcare so when I got home from work and at weekends I would regularly be looking after her by myself while my wife worked. I can tell you it is far easier and nicer looking after a child and doing housework than it is being out at work in a "proper" job. Both my wife and myself knew this. For the record this included me having to do up to 3 night feeds when I had to get up for work the next day.

If you think looking after a child is just like working I would say that you are not fit to be parents. Maybe you dont love your child enough to see them as anything other than work. Maybe you dont know how to be a parent in a way that works for you as well. There are certain things that need to be taken into consideration. One is that anyone looking after a child full time needs some time doing something else. The worst thing a mum can do is just stay at home all the time with the children. My wife worked shift work in a job she loved (probably more than me). We couldn't afford for her no to work so didnt have much of a choice but it meant she was doing something else and I had our daughter.

When she was on maternity leave she made sure she went out most days, mother and toddler groups mainly but other things she wanted to do as well. Enough to give her regular and meaningful contact with other adults. I even did some myself when my wife was working although not many as a man at some of them was a bit strange. There are normally a few about and churches often do ones that are cheap or free.

This is very important as without regular adult contact outside of the family I have seen friends wives become very toxic. They want to stay home with the child but dont do anything other than stay at home. It then becomes a chore to be at home with the kids and they take it out on their husband resulting in a relationship breakdown. They also sometimes become overly attached to the children as well in a way that is not healthy. One in particular comes to mind who cleaned the house repeatedly every day and did every single thing for the child as he was growing up. She became OCD and over protective and he ended up with social issues as a result of it. The husband would come back from a long shift with paperwork to do and she would go ballistic at him because he made a mess by doing something like getting his own dinner and leaving the plate on a table while he did his paperwork and then literally putting the child on him or his paperwork and scream that he was having the child as she needed to get out of the house. Make sure the carer has break but its not hard work looking after a child.

I take issue with the part that saying being a full time parent is easy. Being a working mum is easy because you get your needs met in the workplace.

I found being a mum to one child easy. But have seen others struggle. It depends on the child too because no two are the same.

 

[Jennifer Rothnie]

I didnt mean to insult anyone but did react to a woman saying men calling looking after children call it babysitting and dont understand it. Maybe she shouldnt be so insulting.

Saying, ""looking after a child" or "babysitting" as some men say" is not equivalent to saying "all men view raising a child as babysitting." She was referring to a problem that some men have, not all, in not realizing the work it takes to parent and minimizing it. It's also very different from directly insulting another user or recommending they divorce their spouse! Even in your rebuttal you mentioned that you dropped your children off at childcare - that is hardly the same as being a stay at home mom who never gets a break. The hardship of motherhood isn't so much the physical tasks of getting kids ready and corralling them - it's that you don't get much of a break, ever, and when you do get a break that break is liable to be interrupted at any time. Basically imagine doing your normal work job which hopefully you enjoy - but not getting the 15 min breaks or the hour lunch hour, day after day after day.

Consider this study - it found that of the 2000 women they surveyed, being a stay at home parent was the equivalent of a 98 hour work week. https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/work/parenting-is-a-full-time-job-526614

Now, it's going to vary family to family. My kids sleep well and consistently, for example, so I have a reasonable assurance that I'm not going to have to get up from 9:30pm to 8:30-9am to check on them, and their naps cross over so I get at least 2 hours in the middle of the day to rest or do chores as needed. But not all kids sleep well - some cry for hours at night, and my first kid did not nap at all until 8 months!. Even if a mom lets a baby cry to sleep, she isn't getting any rest herself during that. My husband is very gracious and doesn't expect a spotless house - his expectations are far more realistic like me keeping up with the laundry, getting dinner on the table around the time he gets home, and making sure things don't get too crazy. He often does dinner dishes himself, even, while I sweep, scrub messes off the floor, or watch the kids. But not every husband contributes the same way, and many have far more expectations - wanting a home cooked fancy meal every day, or a spotless house, etc.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

Saying, ""looking after a child" or "babysitting" as some men say" is not equivalent to saying "all men view raising a child as babysitting." She was referring to a problem that some men have, not all, in not realizing the work it takes to parent and minimizing it. It's also very different from directly insulting another user or recommending they divorce their spouse! Even in your rebuttal you mentioned that you dropped your children off at childcare - that is hardly the same as being a stay at home mom who never gets a break. The hardship of motherhood isn't so much the physical tasks of getting kids ready and corralling them - it's that you don't get much of a break, ever, and when you do get a break that break is liable to be interrupted at any time. Basically imagine doing your normal work job which hopefully you enjoy - but not getting the 15 min breaks or the hour lunch hour, day after day after day.

Consider this study - it found that of the 2000 women they surveyed, being a stay at home parent was the equivalent of a 98 hour work week. https://www.marieclaire.co.uk/life/work/parenting-is-a-full-time-job-526614

Now, it's going to vary family to family. My kids sleep well and consistently, for example, so I have a reasonable assurance that I'm not going to have to get up from 9:30pm to 8:30-9am to check on them, and their naps cross over so I get at least 2 hours in the middle of the day to rest or do chores as needed. But not all kids sleep well - some cry for hours at night, and my first kid did not nap at all until 8 months!. Even if a mom lets a baby cry to sleep, she isn't getting any rest herself during that. My husband is very gracious and doesn't expect a spotless house - his expectations are far more realistic like me keeping up with the laundry, getting dinner on the table around the time he gets home, and making sure things don't get too crazy. He often does dinner dishes himself, even, while I sweep, scrub messes off the floor, or watch the kids. But not every husband contributes the same way, and many have far more expectations - wanting a home cooked fancy meal every day, or a spotless house, etc.

Her post came across as all men think the same but only some call it babysitting. Im not going to comment any further because you all seem intent on this attitude, which I find insulting to me and a lot of men I know. A lot of what I said has been ignored to take this attitude. The post about a man who feels trapped in a bad relationship has been taken over and turned into a thread about women making it sound like bring ing up kids is one of the worst things to do in the world. You have completely ignored what I said about making sure a stay at home mum has adult contact and time to do her own thing and attacked me because I said that I found the childcare I did easier. less stressful and far more pleasant than working even though I did more childcare than my wife when her maternity leave ended. You really need to get things in perspective and appreciate the time you have with your kids rather than attack anyone who doesnt see it as a hardship.

 

[mama2one]

The post about a man who feels trapped in a bad relationship has been taken over and turned into a thread about women making it sound like bring ing up kids is one of the worst things to do in the world.

no, that is not what I understood from the OP's post at all

he is not trapped, he and his wife created a child together and the child is only 19 mos old

his expectations were high without appreciating the fact that his wife is at home all day long with a 19 mos old

she doesn't have a job outside the home, nor do they use daycare
so their situation is not at all similar to your situation

however, there are SAHM on CF that know and understand and can relate to what the wife must feel and most woman "know" if their husband has eyes/attention on someone else as the OP did

but the OP is going to change and focus back on his wife and child; thank God for that

 

[joshua 1 9]

Every since the baby, things went from bad to worse. She dedicates everything to this baby and I completely understand why, they're an amazing gift from God. However since the baby her negligence for me as her husband has went to full throttle.

If she really cares about the baby then she will want a strong loving marriage for the sake of the baby. Very few things can harm a child as much as the marriage of their parents falling apart. This could be due to a lack of vasopressin hormone which is attributed to long term (lifetime) relationships. Of course this is the same hormone that bonds the mother to the child.

 

[joshua 1 9]

First, please pray for me, I'm in inner turmoil and can't function like this. I believe my brain is telling me what's right based on truth and my sinful heart is being deceived.

Is a "sinful heart" really what we are dealing with??? First of all there are receptors in the heart but the hormones are produced in the brain. These are hormones that God created to be sure that a species reproduced. Having to do with body and soul that we are born with. Then with Adam and Eve we do have monogamy. They were designed to go beyond the animals and live a life of monogamy. This is why we have the old nature and the new nature we are to have as born again believers. You may not have the marriage God intended for you to have, but I do not see why you can not have the marriage He wants for you to have.

 

[Jennifer Rothnie]

If she really cares about the baby then she will want a strong loving marriage for the sake of the baby. Very few things can harm a child as much as the marriage of their parents falling apart. This could be due to a lack of vasopressin hormone which is attributed to long term (lifetime) relationships. Of course this is the same hormone that bonds the mother to the child.

We can't really speculate or comment too much on her spiritual struggles, as she isn't the one who posted. It's true that it's best for a child to be family-centric, not child-centric - and that there easily is such a thing as becoming too wrapped up in the kids or acting like a cruise director more than a parent. It's also true that both spouses commit to ongoing marital relations when they marry. However, we only know things from the OPs perspective and do not know if she is genuinely begging off marital intimacy due to exhaustion, depression, health, or otherwise vs. her voluntary eschewing it because she sees it as unimportant. We don't know if her time spent with their toddler is normal upbringing or if she is taking it too far, etc. And, we don't need to know - it would just be gossip. Unless she posts asking advice, then trying to diagnose her contributions to marital difficulties is pretty useless.

All we can focus on is what the OP has said about himself, what the Bible says in regards to that emotional affair, and practical things he can do to improve the situation with his wife based on the comments he has made on his own expectations.

 

[Jack L Palmer]

Everyone... I think this thread has completely devolved from the point. The OP has already said he appreciated the responses. He made the right (IMHO) choice and cited your collective advise as being central to that choice. Collectively, you've all helped save a marriage. You did good work.

I'm too lazy to go back and figure out why this thread devolved into what it is now. But whatever problem there is, you all need to let it go. Yes, raising a family is tough. Stereo-typically women are the ones that do the lion's share of the child rearing. Dads should help. It's a lot of work. It's exhausting - whether you enjoy it or not and whether you call it "work." Every child comes with their own batch of challenges, plain and simple. Every parent struggles in their own ways to maintain a balance and their own sanity.

This thread should really come to an end.

 

[joshua 1 9]

we only know things from the OPs perspective

I was a single parent for 12 years and I have known a LOT of divorced people. Most everyone blames the other person and I am no exception. Of course in my case she walked out on me and her 2 1/2 year old son.

The point I was making though is what we find in a study of Prairie Voles that tend to mate for life and science feels this is because of hormones. Compared to other species of Voles that do not mate for life and they lack these hormones

 

[Kristen.NewCreation]

This thread has been closed for staff review. Off topic, debating and flaming is not acceptable here. Thanks.​