married for 6 months, wife cheated

[dwd3885]

So this weekend I found out that my wife has been cheating on me for a couple of months. She had been texting this guy in a different town for a while now sexually explicit things and actually sent him photos of her barely clothed. And when we actually went home for the holidays, she met with him and kissed him. They only kissed.

We got married in June and had been dating for 7 years before hand. We are 23 years old. I love her to death of course, I wouldn't have married her otherwise!

She said she wants to be with me and I do her, I just don't know how I can get past what happened. It's been four days since she told me and I've been thinking about it constantly.

Any advice?

 

[RobinRedbreast]

If you are going to get passed this, you need to speak to your wife about transparency and how she intends to be 100% transparent to earn you trust back.

For instance: Handing over all her passwords, blocking this guy from the cell phone account, removing him (and perhaps other male friends) from social utilities like msn/facebook/etc., perhaps ceasing to use social utilities/texting, checking in with you ever so often if she goes out alone, and for awhile she should NOT be going out alone (as in without you), and so on and so on.

People unwilling to do these simple things are probably still attempting to hide secrets. Someone who just spent two months sending semi-nude pictures to her "guy on the side" should not be screaming "It's not fair that I have to give my password to you" -- if she does, red flag. What -she- did was unfair, and she needs to be clammoring her way -up- back into your good graces and trust.

It isn't about treating your wife like a child, but rather it is about accountability.

Marriage counselling is highly recommended when something like this occurs. You may not be able to do this on your own. Sometimes a third party can help when trying to decide on checks and boundaries like the above, trying to see why these things occurred (if there were relationship problems that were never addressed), and also trying to trust her again. Personal counselling is optional but probably a good idea, because trust issues can be hard to bounce back from mentally/emotionally.

 

[Million Pieces]

Absolutely everything that MG said. It's about accountability and honesty. You can't force her to do any of this, trust me, it has to come from her heart. You can pray. And get others praying. Make yourself accountable for your own actions as well.

It can be done, but it will take a lot of diligence and faith. And you can't expect perfection overnight, I know that firsthand. But you are by no means alone, remember that above everything else.

 

[sadi belle]

words from a wife who strayed, ask yourself what you may have done or not done to meet her needs. my dh and i went through this last week. i thought it was all my fault but we realized that it also had something to do with him. you can read my post. we got alone with each other for days! no tv, no radio, totally reprogrammed our ipods and got with just us and God and dove into the Bible. I told him (and am still telling him) every day every thought that comes into my mind and he has committed to help me fight. and that's what it is. you are in a war whether either of you want to admit it and honestly whether y'all choose to join or not you're still in it. choose to be offensive and not defensive. both of you have to reclaim your marriage and fight. you have to stare this in the face and both of you bring ALL THINGS into the light until you can trust each other. i gave him my phone every minute we were together and i even let him take it with him when he had to leave. i let him read my emails, facebook, journal and gave him all my passwords. a marriage counselor advised us to look each other in the eye every night before bed and say "i have been faithful to you mind, body and spirit today" when you know you're gonna have to say that to someone then you think twice about doing something hurtful. i had to tell him last night that my mind wandered. did it hurt him? yes. did he choose to extend grace? yes, thank God he did. listen to the casting crowns song "slow fade" this didn't just happen. she made a choice but it was probably not instant. she didn't just wake up one day and say hmm... i'm going to cheat on my husband today. pray pray pray!! examine yourselves with a fine tooth comb (which is very painful) give her grace and she will give you a reason to trust again. take your marriage back from satan. you have that power in Jesus. my prayers are with you.

 

[HuntingMan]

If you are going to get passed this, you need to speak to your wife about transparency and how she intends to be 100% transparent to earn you trust back.

For instance: Handing over all her passwords, blocking this guy from the cell phone account, removing him (and perhaps other male friends) from social utilities like msn/facebook/etc., perhaps ceasing to use social utilities/texting, checking in with you ever so often if she goes out alone, and for awhile she should NOT be going out alone (as in without you), and so on and so on.

People unwilling to do these simple things are probably still attempting to hide secrets. Someone who just spent two months sending semi-nude pictures to her "guy on the side" should not be screaming "It's not fair that I have to give my password to you" -- if she does, red flag. What -she- did was unfair, and she needs to be clammoring her way -up- back into your good graces and trust.

It isn't about treating your wife like a child, but rather it is about accountability.

Marriage counselling is highly recommended when something like this occurs. You may not be able to do this on your own. Sometimes a third party can help when trying to decide on checks and boundaries like the above, trying to see why these things occurred (if there were relationship problems that were never addressed), and also trying to trust her again. Personal counselling is optional but probably a good idea, because trust issues can be hard to bounce back from mentally/emotionally.

ditto to this.
Your wife has to be willing to be 100% accountable. (personally I think EVERY marriage should be that way on both parts anyway).

 

[PerrySB]

I’m a guy that know a little about what you are feeling. First of all if you don’t deal with the pain that you are feeling it will turn to anger and resentment, that alone will create more problems in your relationship. Why did she feel she needed someone else in her life? Did she bring unresolved issue’s to you prior to doing this or did she just think the grass may be greener on the other side of the fence.
You two need to get in and see a good Christian counselor because if she is doing this already it will probably only get worse the longer you are together, however that is just my opinion.

 

[captiveheart]

I found out about a similar issue with my wife last September. It was really hard to take, especially when she got defensive about it and tried to make it somehow my fault. We have worked really hard to get past the whole thing and stay together. New Years eve though, I brought up the issue again. I had been reflecting on the year that was passing and wondering when the hurt would go away. Things got out of control, she threatened divorce and left the house. I called her about a half hour later and asked her to come back. When she came in the house she hugged me and cried as hard as I have ever seen her cry. She said she was so sorry for what she had done and for how it has kept hurting me, which is something she had never said. That was just 4 days ago but the difference in how she acts toward me is completely different.

I think she opened herself to the conviction of the Spirit and for the first time, saw with full clarity, the devastation caused by her behavior. It would seem at this time, that God has renewed her love for me and forged our relationship into a stronger and healthier one. The woman I have seen these past few days is the woman I have known all of these years and not the one that did those awful things.

 

[Million Pieces]

SQUEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Oh captiveheart, I'm SO thrilled!!! What a wonderful answer to prayer!! The feeling is just beyond description!! You feel like spinning in circles and laughing like an idiot. ROFL

There's still a long way to go, but don't ever fear, you've already made the biggest steps forward! It will take commitment from both of you, but GOD IS GREATER!!

 

[myanchor]

Okey dokey, originally I was calling out Sadi Belle, because I didn't read every other post she'd made in the forum. It was stoopid. Folks, if you have an emotional or physical affair. Awww man I hate that word. Just call it what it is being a trashy cheater. Your spouse did not cheat, you did. You chose to violate your marriage covenant. You chose to sin. You chose to open yourself and your spouse up to disease and you to pregnancy. Don't you dare try to excuse yourself at all. You MUST take full responsibility for your act. Read an adulterous christian woman, by Lyndell Holtz. She is an amazing woman and example of God's grace and her husband is an amazing example of a man being Christlike. I've never met them and probably never will on this earth. I'm eager to do so in Heaven, though.

That said, your spouse may need to change some things in your relationship so you are less tempted. He needs to give you grace, but you MUST be trustworthy. Go to Newlife.Com and find their CD on payback. You tore something from your spouse, you stole from them. You need to feed them back up. You need to make amends.

So do the other ones who have been unfaithful to their marriage vows. As have I when I was addicted to reading sex stories. Yes, I was unfaithful to my wife with that. I was totally responsible for my behavior and actions. God gave me His unmerited grace and favor, as did my wife when they both forgave me.