"Marriageability"

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

If I was a Lingustics major I'd already have a good topic for a research paper. It seems there's this word "marriageability" that has sneaked up on us and been coined out of the blue. I could be wrong, but it seems like it is a result of the conservative revolution of the '80s and all of its emphasis on "family values".

Anyway, the word sure has battered my psyche. I...

1.) Am a 34 year old male virgin with no experience dating. I've never even held a woman's hand, let alone kissed a woman.

2.) Am a 34 year old who has never started a career. There's a difference between a job and a career. I have just worked a bunch of jobs to survive. Probably more jobs than I can count with my fingers and toes.

3.) Am a 34 year old who has not completed his education, and still has a long way to go. It has taken me 16 years to complete two years of college. And I think that anything short of a master's degree is underachievement for me.

4.) Am a 34 year old with no assets. Unless you count two years of college, I have no assets. I have never had any financial stability. Either I have been financially unstable because of my lifestyle of overspending, or I have overspent (and overeaten) for comfort and to help cope with my unstable life. Take your pick. Either way, I'm 34 years old, still living from paycheck to paycheck, and have little to show for 16 years of employment other than too many possessions, a root beer belly (I don't drink alcohol, but I do drink too many carbonated soft drinks. So I call it my root beer belly), and 58 credit hours. There is one good thing: I have no debt other than the relatively small balance of a student loan that I've already been paying off for two years now.

5.) Have no social life. I have never really had a social life as an adult. It has just been struggle, struggle and more struggle.

6.) Have no fashion sense.

7.) Have few social skills.

8.) Don't like my appearance. My physique, dress, grooming, posture, speaking voice and overall demeanor are far from where I feel confident and comfortable socially. I've always struggled with poor mental health and poor physical and economic security too much to correct any of it.

9.) Don't have a church life. I haven't had a church home for about 14 years now. That sound you just heard is every Christian woman on Earth saying, "I can't date him". Again, it's not the way I want it to be, but for whatever reason it is how things have unfolded. I believe that my poor mental health, poor financial security and poor physical security have made being active in a church (as opposed to merely attending church) impossible. Most people say there's no excuse and that my poor church attendance is due to some spiritual shortcoming. Take your pick.

10.) Have suffered from poor mental health my entire adult life. The depression and anxiety have been constant torture it seems.

You don't know what I mean by poor physical security? I never even owned a car until 4 years ago. I didn't know how to use public transit until maybe one year before that. For a long, long time I walked everywhere. Often for 45 minutes or more through rain, lightning, snow and ice just to get to a minimum wage job.

By most accounts, and by most definitions, I am not marriageable.

I wouldn't want to marry me, if you know what I mean.

This is where it really baffles me:

I see men who have no ambition, who destroy themselves with drugs, are chronically unemployed or have very little income, and are regularly in trouble with the law having no problems with having a regular partner for cohabiting or marriage. Yet here I am, hard working, determined to realize my full potential, never done any drugs, and never done anything to be in trouble with the law but I feel like I have no business thinking about marriage, let alone actually marrying. A female therapist who I saw in conjunction with a psychiatrist said that I am "A fine young man". A lot of women I have been acquainted with, including my closest friend, have said unsolicited that I would make a great husband. In my mind, however, I'm walking around with a "U" on my back. You know..."Unmarriageable".

Gosh, I can barely take care of myself, yet I'm supposed to think that I can support a wife and children? It's not like I'm 18 yrs. old with 40+ years of employment ahead of me. I'm 34 years old and have yet to start taking care of the cost of my own retirement. And it's not like I'm going to finish my education and enter some lucrative field where I will make six figures. I'm a liberal arts major who wants to volunteer in the U.S. Peace Corps and then work in the field of international development.

I honestly feel like I have no business thinking about marriage. Marriage is for people who have a long life ahead of them to start families and retire with lots of time to spoil the grandchildren. I'm 34 yrs. old and haven't even dated or been in "a relationship", and I'm supposed to think that marriage has a place in my life?

And, maybe it is an irrational belief with no foundation in reality, but I believe that my physical health has suffered so much that if I was to marry a woman that she would find herself a widow at a young age and some children would find themselves at a very young age without a father. I haven't really had any physical health problems, and every doctor's visit that I have been able to afford (not many of those jobs that I need all of my fingers and toes to count provided health insurance, if you know what I mean ) has left the impression that I have above average health. Nonetheless, I've got it in my mind that I am a danger to myself and others, that I would be a liability in a marriage, and that it would be morally wrong to do that to a woman and children.

I know that this has been a long post. I guess I'm just taking the opportunity to get a lot of things out in the open and see if it helps anybody or if anybody can help me.

 

[Linnis]

Hmm. When I met my husband, he was unemployed, living with his mum fighting off another bout with phnmonia, and admitted that just three days before he'd just gotten out of county lock up for an unpaid bill which he'd got taken to court for, hadn't shaved in a good month etc...He was not outwardly what I'd have called a great catch yet we had one common interest which had us talking for other an hour. A few days later I caught him again and we spoke again, this time about books we've read etc After a couple of weeks I noticed that inside the man who needed to shave was a man who loved God and could quote entire chapters of the Bible my memory a man who shared interests of mine, was polite and a really nice person. Not to mention he might fix cars and computers but he likes to do really weird complicated over my head math questions in his head for fun. Or the fact I couldn't wait to speak with him every time I got the chance.

Having a little attention from a girl, although I didn't know it at the time made him dispite being sick, shave and go looking for a job. It took him three months but he did find one. Now we've been married for 17 months, he holds down a job(nothing ever going to be a career) we have our own place, pay our own bills etc

He's far from what my parents wanted (money, great education, stable career) but what he lacks he more than makes up for. He may not have a career but he gets up every morning and goes to work to support us, he loves me, respects me and treats me with the most love...makes me feel very special.

Just because you don't see smething in you, doesn't mean someone else won't.

 

[silkamilkamonico]

Gosh, I can barely take care of myself, yet I'm supposed to think that I can support a wife and children?

I would say this is a big step for you. It ounds like you just don't have alot of confidence.

What do you do with your days if you don't mind me asking?

You have to understand, when it comes to dating, frineds, anything social, you will give people a good imression of how you feel about yourself through actions, and that gives people an idea of how you want to be treated, through their point of view. Whether it's how you want to be treated or not.

It doesn't matter how naturally attractive you are physically, a girl isn't going to give someone the time of day if they fell like that someone can't even take care of themself.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

...It ounds like you just don't have alot of confidence...You have to understand, when it comes to dating, frineds, anything social, you will give people a good imression of how you feel about yourself through actions, and that gives people an idea of how you want to be treated, through their point of view. Whether it's how you want to be treated or not...It doesn't matter how naturally attractive you are physically, a girl isn't going to give someone the time of day if they fell like that someone can't even take care of themself.

I understand what you are saying, but I honestly don't think that how confident I am, how I project myself and how people receive me are the issue. Those are issues of self-image and social psychology. Indeed, I have no doubt that if I resolved to marry that I would have little trouble finding a willing partner who I genuinely like and who genuinely likes me.

But, you see, there are these things called conscience and morality. Just because I can doesn't mean I should, if you know what I mean. Just because I want to doesn't mean I should.

Consider an analogy. Suppose a man is overweight, has poor physical fitness, is taking medication for depression and anxiety and is illiterate. It is my understanding that a man in such condition is not suited for military service and that if he tried to enlist that official military policy would require that he be turned down. Indeed, some analysts have warned that Americans' unhealthy lifestyles leave the military with a small pool of suitable recruits and jeopardize national security. That man may be the most willing, most self-assured patriot in the republic and have no psychological barriers between himself and "serving his country" and "doing his duty", but if his physical and mental condition would make him a liability to the cause and endanger his fellow service members it would be morally wrong for him to try to serve.

But unlike military service there are almost no restrictions keeping people who may not be suited for marriage from entering into a marriage contract. Almost any man who wants to can marry any woman who wants to.

In the minds of some social commentators and activists, the relative ease of getting married is responsible for a lot of social ills. Poverty. Broken families. Divorce. Bankruptcies. Child abuse. Etc. Etc. Consequently, some states have started making laws requiring couples to get pre-marital counseling, take classes on marital communication, and similar precautions. Again, I'm not a linguist, but it seems that it is from the context of that social movement that the word "marriageability" was coined.

In other words, not everybody is suited for marriage.

In other words, marriage is an issue of public morality, not the private business of individuals.

That is how a lot of people think, anyway. It has been uttered to me by a Christian that marriage is "serious business". It has been uttered to me by a Christian that anybody who gets married without first going through some couples counseling "is a fool". Women--and maybe even some men; I don't mean to stereotype here--hire private investigators to look into the background of their prospective partners. Add it all up and the image I have of marriage is a public institution of serious practical and moral considerations, not a private arrangement for personal happiness and fulfillment.

A therapist/counselor who I saw many times and who is a Christian told me that I am more rational than most people and that my moral reasoning is more developed than most people's. In other words, I have learned enough about myself to know that things like confidence, self-esteem, insecurity, etc. are not the issue. What is really going on is that I am struggling with complex moral and spiritual issues. Other mental health professionals who have worked with me have said that I overanalyze things, that I turn molehills into mountains and that I consequently create unnecessary difficulties in my life and the lives of the people who interact with me. Either way, how I see myself, how I project myself and how people receive me are not the issue.

Basically, I am convinced that I have no business marrying. I am convinced that I would be a liability to a marriage and children and that it would be irresponsible and morally wrong for me to marry. Why? Well, like I outlined in the original post, I don't seem to satisfy any of the criteria for "marriageability". And remember, "marriageability" as I understand it is about public morality, not personal happiness.

Of course, it could all be hogwash. This whole "marriageability" business could be extremist right-wing political nonsense. The problem is that I don't know the truth from mere rhetoric when it comes to the nature of marriage and its place in my life.

I suppose I could resolve these moral and spiritual issues by turning to personal Bible study and quiet times along with a lot of prayer. But if that is all that it takes then we would not need discussion boards like this. By discussing all of it here it gives other people the opportunity to learn something about themselves and their own singleness.

What do you do with your days if you don't mind me asking?

When I'm not working jobs that I have no passion for, paying bills, taking care of household chores, etc., I mostly spend time alone working on personal projects. Decorating my apartment. Reading. Research. Experimenting in the kitchen. Completing my formal education. Etc. I spend a lot of time browsing retail stores.

I live solo. I shop by myself. I eat out by myself. I used to go to football games by myself. I used to go for long walks and take long drives by myself. Other than one close friend who I only get to talk to once a month and who I get to see in person even less frequently, and other than a lot of time spent on internet discussion boards , I have almost no personal relationships. And I have just as few acquaintances. I mostly live a life of a lot of impersonal social interaction (the impersonal relationships of work, being a consumer, getting my driver's license renewed, etc.) and a lot of physical and emotional isolation. I probably spend the majority of my spare time alone in my apartment.

I volunteered in adult literacy for several years on and off, including tutoring a group, tutoring students one on one, and being an office volunteer.

I don't like parties, concerts and other impersonal group activities where the emphasis is on mingling, having direct social intercourse and "having a good time". And I don't like a lot of passive activity such as watching a movie, watching sporting events and watching a lot of television--I only like it occasionally. "What do you do for fun?", someone once asked me, as if to say that I need to "get a life" and "get out more". Well, I am not opposed to having fun, but I prefer activities that are active and deep, such as playing board games (and I mean playing the game with seriousness and intensity, not playing cards to hang out and socialize, if you know what I mean). If I do watch a movie, a sporting event or a TV program I watch it with deep, intense interest; in other words, I am focused on the show, not people--I don't go to a ballgame to tailgate and hang out with friends, if you know what I mean. Believe me, I try to get people to spend time with me doing the things that I enjoy, but most people reject me and respond as if to say that I need to get a life.

I had a friend several years ago who I spent a lot of time with, but it was a tumultuous relationship. He was a generation older than me, disabled, and had a lot of mental and physical health problems. I guess you could say that he was lonely and would do anything for company and attention. I think he went along with doing the things I like to do just so he could have my company. Needless to say, since he wasn't really interested in the activities I could not enjoy them. It was frustrating for both of us. It is further proof that my personality and interests are not conducive to satisfying the emotional needs of most people. It is further proof that most people's personality and interests are not conducive to satisfying my emotional needs. We did care for each other like brothers, however, so the friendship was special and endured despite the tumult. He is now deceased. I miss him. For a couple of years I suffered from extreme feelings of guilt for the suffering that I caused. It's not as intense now, but I still feel guilty.

I guess you could say that I am an extreme introvert. I prefer deep relationships with a few people. I prefer activities with a lot of social depth to activities with a lot of social breadth. If I do something that people usually do for social breadth, such as attending a ballgame, I do it in my own deep, solitary way. Even if I am with people, such as going to a ballgame with my dad and nephews, I am focused on the show and not on people. My ideal relationship with a woman would be having a lot of intelligent conversation and doing a lot of creative, cultural and intellectual things together. Nobody is going to mistake me for Romeo.

 

[silkamilkamonico]

Do you ever wish that maybe you were more outgoing, or do you like the idea of staying away from people unless it serves some sort of 'purpose'?

I grew up in a home where I was always told I needed to spend time in companionship, even though I really liked doing my own thing.

I wish I could be more natural around people, but for whatever reason, I can't be myself and have gotten to the point of social isolation as well.

The I have my job, which requires me to be extremely social, and I suffer for the.........'lack of practice'?

 

[kellyc]

lovethru, i'm not sure if you are asking a question or not, but if you are you seem to be answering it. not everyone is suited for marriage. i'm not pretending to know what God's plan is for you. a really independant woman might come along and not need a financial provider. or you might just learn to take better care of yourself so you can do more for someone else. the saddest thing i hear in your post is despair. i hope you are seeing someone about your mental health issues.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

LoveThroughIntellect....if I didn't know better I would say the post was created by me pretending to be a male. I'm 35 and have unfortunately been married briefly (long time ago...nightmare....long story). I have no children and I work 2 jobs (but need to work a 3rd to make all the bills comfortably). I have finished my bachelor's degree but it's really a worthless piece of paper that I still owe a lot of money on. I can't cook, have only a couple of close friends, don't date. I am fairly healthy but don't feel that I am healthy enough. I too, feel as though I would be a liability rather than an asset to a partnership. I don't want children because I look at my family background and realize that no one should be forced to have the pathetic genetic makeup I have. Society looks at 'unmarry-able' or whatever as some sort of illness, handicap, etc... but I personally embrace it. What else can I do? Being upset or depressed about it is only going to land me in the doctor's office....something I can't afford right now. Being unmarryable has also made it impossible for me too to be involved in church...not attendance but involvement. I'm shunned because 'church people' don't understand me. What's wrong with me that I don't date? Well, aside from being ugly, I'm just too darn busy. I don't have time to engage in potential heartbreak and pain. People try to make me feel inferior because I am alone but I'm not biting. Personally, I think they have security issues they try to tackle through serial dating and other activities. They are threatened by my ability to be confident in my aloneness. They can't think 'outside the box' with regards to human relationships. Instead, everyone else just blindly follows what society says is 'cool' or acceptable. Maybe I overanalyze too. Maybe I just sound plain frigid. People argue that we're made to be needed and loved and to give it back, blah, blah blah. People say God made us that way. If that's the case, then why are there so many of us 'unmarriable' people out there? What about those who were born with some horrific physical handicap? Chances are most of them have never dated or may not even be aware of dating. I know some people who really fit the unmarriable profile...a man I know has some degenerative disease that has him walking on crutches and unable to control his bladder. He's a nice guy but sometimes he smells really bad and I find it difficult to be around him. He's in his 50's (I think) and I don't think he's ever been married. I don't know. Also, I'm sorry about your friend. I can relate there a little too. I have a friend who I think sometimes just goes along with things I do because she doesn't know what else to do with her life. She is a diabetic and uses that as an excuse as to why she is limited on a lot of things. Personally, I think her issues go much deeper than that. I wish I could help her but she doesn't really open up....she prides herself on 'being strong.' Anyway, out of all of this rambling I just want to say that your post resonates with me. God Bless you! HC

 

[Miles]

Fortunately, not all of the burden of marriageability rests on your shoulders. From what I've observed, marriageability depends more on shared values and and similar-mindsets rather than '"most accounts, and most definitions" of attractivness, success etc... which are subjective measures anyway. In college, disheartened about being single, I decided to ask every dating and married couple I knew how they met etc. The vast majority of relationships began in messy, unexpected ways with less than perfect people... this was even true of our campus fellowship's leaders. It may be extremely difficult for you to do (I'm not going to sugar-coat this), but I think you should resume the search for a woman whose personality, complexity, romantic interest, and maybe even style (or lack thereof) compliments yours. While you may not have found her yet, and though she may be rare as the rarest diamond, the possibility of meeting such a woman can't be entirely ruled out, and with that there will always be hope for finding her. At least that's what I tell myself.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

That's really beautiful, Mrkguy75. I've thought that about the 'search' for Mr. Right sometimes. Although I'm not searching at the moment 'cos I'm too busy with other stuff.

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

Do you ever wish that maybe you were more outgoing, or do you like the idea of staying away from people unless it serves some sort of 'purpose'?

I grew up in a home where I was always told I needed to spend time in companionship, even though I really liked doing my own thing.

I wish I could be more natural around people, but for whatever reason, I can't be myself and have gotten to the point of social isolation as well.

The I have my job, which requires me to be extremely social, and I suffer for the.........'lack of practice'?

Some work, such as sales, probably can’t be done without extroversion. But other than that I have never really seen much need for extroversion.

Most people can’t seem to understand that just because a person doesn’t initiate a lot of direct social intercourse it doesn’t mean that he is pathologically shy or has social anxiety disorder or something like that. Most people can’t seem to understand that some of us simply aren’t interested in directly interacting very much and don’t see much need for a lot of direct social intercourse. Some of us are more interested in thinking through a math problem, visualizing different arrangements of the furniture in one’s living room, writing a speech, and/or imagining the appearance, smell, taste and texture of a good meal. In other words, some of us prefer introversion.

If I don’t really like extroversion then of course I am not going to wish that I could do it more. What I often find myself wishing is for more opportunities to connect with the world through things like philosophical reflection, reading, writing, attentively listening to music, etc. What I often find myself wishing is for long, long periods of uninterrupted concentration--Henry David Thoreau, Walden Pond long, if you know what I mean. Alas, to survive I have to work with a lot of people who demand that all of my energy be concentrated on them. If you miss a beat, they take offense and demand to speak to your supervisor, if you know what I mean.

...i'm not pretending to know what God's plan is for you. a really independant woman might come along and not need a financial provider. or you might just learn to take better care of yourself so you can do more for someone else.

My dream woman is a very independent woman. The kind of woman who runs her own business, if you know what I mean.

My dream marriage is one consisting of two very independent people. Basically, it’s an independent woman and an independent man sharing in their independence.

Alas, the spiritual understanding of most Christians I have ever interacted with is that a man is supposed to be the head of the household and lead the marriage and that a woman is supposed to submit to her husband. Consequently, I have met almost no Christian women who are the ambitious, independent women I admire. Most of the Christian women I have had contact with say that they are looking for “A man of God”. Basically, they mean the conservative evangelical model of a husband and father. They say that they are looking for a man with strong conservative values. Basically, they mean “I stay at home and home school the kids and you compete in the corporate jungle and provide for me and the kids”. Of course, they’ll make an exception for men who are paid pastors, youth ministers, missionaries, etc.--those men get a pass on competing in the corporate jungle.

Sorry, I have no future as a professional clergyman, and I am not going to compete in the corporate jungle. In fact, my vision is cooperation, not competition. You know, like volunteering in the U.S. Peace Corps and going to a host country and helping educate people about environmental protection or helping them start a library in their community. If it is a man’s duty to model to his sons how to win at dog-eat-dog, and if it is a man’s duty to model to his sons how to be “a man of God”, then I guess I had better not ever father any sons. If it is a man’s duty to model to his daughters how a man of God treats a submissive wife, then I guess I had better not ever father any daughters.

Gosh, the more I write the more this all takes shape as a moral issue. Is it any wonder that I am convinced that it would be morally wrong for me to marry?

...the saddest thing i hear in your post is despair. i hope you are seeing someone about your mental health issues.

I have used the mental health care system enough to feel that I have done the responsible thing. I have taken anti-depressants even though I didn’t want to and followed the prescribed program of taking them for an extended period so that they could make a difference.

I am at a point where I can manage the suffering in my life without the intervention of mental health professionals. I am kind of being my own therapist, and I see no reason to believe that that is not enough right now. Posting in this forum is part of being my own therapist.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I have learned a lot about myself and have paid my dues to learn that what I am really struggling with are moral and spiritual issues rather than clinical psychological problems.

I still think that my problem is economic struggle and poor physical security. I have worked hard to break out of that vicious cycle and I have come a long way. No amount of medication or psychotherapy can begin to rival the difference made by simple things such as finally paying off a debt or finally getting one’s apartment clean and organized.

...I don't want children because I look at my family background and realize that no one should be forced to have the pathetic genetic makeup I have.

I can relate. Many years ago I thought I was such a rotten human being that I had better get a vasectomy and spare any child from having me as a father.

Such negative, destructive thought patterns get imprinted onto some people’s psyches. A toxic environment that regularly reinforces those patterns makes matters worse.

But then somebody comes along and tells you he/she admires you. Somebody, or several people, tell you about the beauty in you that you never learned to appreciate or see.

How you respond to those people--if you deflect the admiration or embrace it--can either cement your patterns of alienation and isolation or can start you down the path of giving all that you have to offer to as many people as possible. And there is someone who will be grateful to receive what you can offer as a wife. As for children, they don’t need perfect parents. Children simply need parents who offer all that they possibly can. We fail children by not giving them all that we can, not by having a background that doesn't meet our own or other people's ideals.

.....Society looks at 'unmarry-able' or whatever as some sort of illness, handicap, etc... but I personally embrace it. What else can I do? Being upset or depressed about it is only going to land me in the doctor's office....something I can't afford right now.

I want to embrace everything about my life and get the most I can out of it--I want to be like the first two servants in the Parable of the Talents rather than like the third servant who buried his card rather than playing what he had been dealt--but it is a struggle.

If somebody knows how to do it without struggle, please offer me your wisdom.

......Being unmarryable has also made it impossible for me too to be involved in church...not attendance but involvement. I'm shunned because 'church people' don't understand me. What's wrong with me that I don't date? Well, aside from being ugly, I'm just too darn busy. I don't have time to engage in potential heartbreak and pain. People try to make me feel inferior because I am alone but I'm not biting. Personally, I think they have security issues they try to tackle through serial dating and other activities. They are threatened by my ability to be confident in my aloneness.

I think I am confident in my aloneness. My problem is that I struggle. And there’s very little guidance or direction from others on how to thrive as a solo single. What little guidance is available is mostly about how to get the benefits of marriage without being married. It doesn’t matter if it is a Christian or a non-Christian source; the approach seems to be finding the benefits of marriage without being married. How to get the companionship of marriage without being married. How to get the sexual fulfillment of marriage without being married (a Christian source will tell you to direct your sexual energy to something non-sexual; I don‘t read the non-Christian sources, but I suppose they recommend experimenting with a lot of alternatives to monogamous sex, such as having a comprehensive program of solitary sex). What I need is guidance about how to meet the challenges of life, period, not how to get the benefits of marriage in a non-marital form.

Clearly, a lot of people have not developed a holistic understanding of life. And the people doing most of the leading are people who are informed and motivated by the view that life is all about our relationships with people and that everything else in life is meaningless.

...They can't think 'outside the box' with regards to human relationships. Instead, everyone else just blindly follows what society says is 'cool' or acceptable. Maybe I overanalyze too. Maybe I just sound plain frigid. People argue that we're made to be needed and loved and to give it back, blah, blah blah. People say God made us that way. If that's the case, then why are there so many of us 'unmarriable' people out there? What about those who were born with some horrific physical handicap? Chances are most of them have never dated or may not even be aware of dating. I know some people who really fit the unmarriable profile...a man I know has some degenerative disease that has him walking on crutches and unable to control his bladder. He's a nice guy but sometimes he smells really bad and I find it difficult to be around him. He's in his 50's (I think) and I don't think he's ever been married. I don't know.

Be careful there. I know how a lot of Christians will respond. They will say that God gave the ‘unmarriable’ people you describe the gift of singleness, or something like that. Or they will say that those people have spiritual problems.

I understand and appreciate what you are trying to say. I just think that most other people can’t understand it or appreciate it in the context that you frame it with. They will still see it as a human relationships issue.

I think a more powerful way to approach it is from the perspective of the beauty of things other than human relationships. There are other things to appreciate besides human relationships. There is non-human life. There is the non-living physical world. There is the metaphysical. There is the spiritual world. If a 30-year-old man was to somehow get stranded on a deserted island and never again have any contact with humans, he could still live a beautiful, meaningful life. Helping people understand and appreciate the latter concept is the challenge. And that concept is also a powerful point from which to begin framing your message. If you frame your message in the context of human relationships, people likely won’t see past the human relationships. And a lot of them are too convinced by their respective adopted theologies of human relationships to hear what you are saying, I suspect.

...Also, I'm sorry about your friend. I can relate there a little too. I have a friend who I think sometimes just goes along with things I do because she doesn't know what else to do with her life. She is a diabetic and uses that as an excuse as to why she is limited on a lot of things. Personally, I think her issues go much deeper than that. I wish I could help her but she doesn't really open up....she prides herself on 'being strong.' Anyway, out of all of this rambling I just want to say that your post resonates with me. God Bless you! HC

Do you know what I just remembered? I just remembered how people said that I was spending too much energy on that relationship and that I needed to hang out with people of my generation (Read between the lines: “You need to be creating opportunities to meet a woman to fall in love with.").

In other words, they were saying that when it comes to human relationships one should maximize utility.

Well, I don’t regret the work that I put into that friendship. I think that the challenge for each and every one of us is to do the best that we can in the relationships we have, not to pick and choose relationships.

Is it not possible that human relationships are simply a fact of life and that the difference in people’s experiences comes from what they do with the relationships that they find themselves in? Or is it a Biblically revealed imperative to pick and choose relationships? Do the relationships that one has reflect his moral character and spiritual maturity, or is it instead how one responds to the relationships that he finds himself in that reflects his moral character and spiritual maturity? What does the Bible say?

 

[LOVEthroughINTELLECT]

From what I've observed, marriageability depends more on shared values and and similar-mindsets rather than '"most accounts, and most definitions" of attractivness, success etc... which are subjective measures anyway.

My struggle has been in separating the subjective from the morally imperative.

And there's a lot of Christian theology going around about the morally imperative with respect to dating and marriage. Most of that theology seems to say that I have no business marrying.

It could be that I have a distorted perception of people's theology. It could be that the theology is false. Or it could be that the theology is clear and true, but for whatever reason--pride, self-righteousness, psychosis, or whatever--I can't apply it to my life.

Sometimes it is hard to own and take complete responsibility for my marital status. Often I feel like going to my parents and saying "If it is important to you that I marry, then you arrange it." But that just creates more moral problems; if I was to enter an arranged marriage it might be a marriage without love, and most people will tell you that it is sinful and wrong to marry somebody you don't love.

I have had long struggles with other moral dilemas and then made a breakthrough. For a long time I resisted public student aid to pay for college. When Congress and the states make taxpayers' money available for people to finance a college education they do it to further the interests of the United States, I thought. Since my goals are humanitarian and may clash with U.S. interests, it would be morally wrong for me to use the money, I reasoned. But then I came to the understanding that it is God's money, not the U.S.'s money. After that I was able to apply for student loans with a clean conscience. Maybe I'll eventually make a similar breakthrough with this marriageability moral dilema.

 

[NewCovenant]

LOVEthroughINTELLECT,

I find your dilemna very interesting. You say you are unmarriageable because of the state of your life, yet I think you ARE quite marriageable. You don't have a career, but most women that I know that are single and in their mid-thirties don't find a career to be high on their list of must-haves, but a job and a means of supporting themselves instead. True, you don't have work that you are passionate about, but that can be found. There are personality tests, aptitude tests and all sorts of evaluations that can be done to find out what sort of work you are most suited for, and perhaps that can help you find the work you will prefer to do.

Most women that I know don't care if the man they choose has a graduate degree, just some education. (I have an associate degree, my best friend has a master's degree, and her husband has no degree at all, yet he is brilliant.) You are obviously exceptionally bright and you have been persuing an education. You have skills and you work all the time. You are able to support yourself and you can manage your money well. You are a Christian, you have a good faith. You admit to some limited social skills and a poor ability to make friends, but you also say you don't care to. Many women don't care about that. Women in your age group, most Christian women, anyway, don't "party", go to bars or do the club thing. So I don't see that as an issue.

You DO have some interests. You made that clear in your posts. And there are women out there with those same interests.

You sound like a moral man, a man of character and integrity. These qualities that I have mentioned above are far more important in a marriage than those you have mentioned that you believe count against you. I think you are a good candidate for marriage, and you just need some more focus and a little help finding your way as far as your work goes. (Yes, I know I'm oversimplifying, and I'm sorry, but you sound like a great guy!)