Attachment Disorder

[NotUrAvgGuy]

It has been shared with me in counseling (in the past) that I may have suffered from Attachment Disorder as a child. My Mom was an alcoholic soon after I was born and remained one actively through almot my senior year in high school. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of emotional distancing. I had 3 siblings but barely spent any time with them and we rarely did things as a family. This all left me very shell-shocked (PTSD) and by the time I was old enough to date I was way too shy and had no confidence. I hardely dated and did not go out on a single date from age 22-28. I was successful, athletic, good looking, nice but had almost no social life. I kept to myself and busied myself with hobbies and church but did not socialize at church. I did eventually met someone and rushed into a marriage. Not rushed in terms of time but in hindsight, I had not yet dealt with my past and I believe she suffered from something similar. Neither of us was prepared for marriage and we ended up in a cold and distant marriage that eventually led to a divorce (there is a lot more to that story but not going to get into that now).

I am not 64 and have been divorced for 16 years during which I have hardly dated. I have a Christian woman who likes me and wants to date. I like her but still wonder if I am capable of a relationship. I know I don't have strong emotions. I think the stress of my childhood emptied me of emotions. In situations like that you tend to numb your emotions to survive. It is like the old Simon and Garfunkel song, "I am a rock, I am an island. For a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." Or, as Pink Floyd put it, "I have become comfortably numb."

I can like someone but never feel close to them emotionally. I feel like they could walk out of my life at any moment and I would be ok. Maybe even relieved. I am not drawn to affection or intimacy although in the proper context I am not againt them but I would not say I am drawn to them. I have never been social and do quite well alone. Dating has always been tough because I never know what to invite them to do. I am so used to doing everything alone and am mostly a homebody. A lot of socializing are activities built around talking. You go out to dinner, go for a walk, take a drive, go to the Farmer's Market mostly as something to do while you talk. You might go to a concert or play because you like the activity, but the only reason to go with someone is if you want to share the experience and have company. If you are content doing those things alone and not much of a talker, then inviting someone along is just not that important.

I have gone out with her twice and we get along fine. I like her but now struggling with things to do and fearful that I am wasting her time. Yes, it is her decision to make, but I fear I will never provide her with the emotional support one looks for in a relationship.

My question is, do I give it time and see what happens, or tell her now what I am like and let her decide if she wants to invest the time to learn more?

 

[JonasDaniels]

It has been shared with me in counseling (in the past) that I may have suffered from Attachment Disorder as a child. My Mom was an alcoholic soon after I was born and remained one actively through almot my senior year in high school. I grew up in a dysfunctional home with a lot of emotional distancing. I had 3 siblings but barely spent any time with them and we rarely did things as a family. This all left me very shell-shocked (PTSD) and by the time I was old enough to date I was way too shy and had no confidence. I hardely dated and did not go out on a single date from age 22-28. I was successful, athletic, good looking, nice but had almost no social life. I kept to myself and busied myself with hobbies and church but did not socialize at church. I did eventually met someone and rushed into a marriage. Not rushed in terms of time but in hindsight, I had not yet dealt with my past and I believe she suffered from something similar. Neither of us was prepared for marriage and we ended up in a cold and distant marriage that eventually led to a divorce (there is a lot more to that story but not going to get into that now).

I am not 64 and have been divorced for 16 years during which I have hardly dated. I have a Christian woman who likes me and wants to date. I like her but still wonder if I am capable of a relationship. I know I don't have strong emotions. I think the stress of my childhood emptied me of emotions. In situations like that you tend to numb your emotions to survive. It is like the old Simon and Garfunkel song, "I am a rock, I am an island. For a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries." Or, as Pink Floyd put it, "I have become comfortably numb."

I can like someone but never feel close to them emotionally. I feel like they could walk out of my life at any moment and I would be ok. Maybe even relieved. I am not drawn to affection or intimacy although in the proper context I am not againt them but I would not say I am drawn to them. I have never been social and do quite well alone. Dating has always been tough because I never know what to invite them to do. I am so used to doing everything alone and am mostly a homebody. A lot of socializing are activities built around talking. You go out to dinner, go for a walk, take a drive, go to the Farmer's Market mostly as something to do while you talk. You might go to a concert or play because you like the activity, but the only reason to go with someone is if you want to share the experience and have company. If you are content doing those things alone and not much of a talker, then inviting someone along is just not that important.

I have gone out with her twice and we get along fine. I like her but now struggling with things to do and fearful that I am wasting her time. Yes, it is her decision to make, but I fear I will never provide her with the emotional support one looks for in a relationship.

My question is, do I give it time and see what happens, or tell her now what I am like and let her decide if she wants to invest the time to learn more?

You're far more average than you suppose brother. Very few of us escape our childhoods unscathed. And many if us carry those wounds throughout our entire lives.
I'm not unlike you, not a great childhood, even worse adulthood. Many failed relationships, and very much a loner.
Not to belittle your current circumstances by any means, but I have to ask. Where does Christ fit into your story?

I've known the Lord Jesus since the early 90's, and walked closely with Him for a few years way back when. But it is only since my last earthly relationship ended, that my heavenly one has blossomed. At this point in my journey, it would be nice to have a companion indeed. But I don't even think that's in the cards for me, actually I know it is not. And I have never been more at peace. Each new day, Father God reveals His deep love for me, in ways that far surpass any love I have ever known, and the love I have for Him grows accordingly. Its a truly beautiful thing.