Marriage Issues

[ThirstyFollower]

Hi. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 18 years now, and I love her very much. We are not perfect people, and I'm not sure what went wrong in our relationship, but I must have done or not done something? We have 4 amazing daughters that have brought me closer to my relationship with her, but it seems the older they all get, the more alienated I become.
I am big on a structured day for them, so I believe they should have chore responsibilities along with all their school obligations. It seems whenever I have tried to implement this into their lives my wife shoots it down. She feels as though her and I are the ones that should do it all. To serve like Jesus. I can see what she is saying, but where do they learn? We were all put here to serve I thought, and help each other. Needless to say I'm out numbered when it comes to keeping our house a home.
I am an electrician so my day to day is usually not easy and very taxing on my body. Still I come home to clean house and sometimes cook dinner. She has just finished college after 15 years off and on, and being a stay home mom, and is now teaching at our daughters' school. Through all this my wife shows no affection and hasn't for quite some time now. Years. I have to ask for any kind of contact, and I can count on 1 hand how many times she has initiated sex in all our years of marriage. I feel like I have been very patient but how long do I keep going. I'm at my wits end.
I broke my knee recently and have been dealing with those stresses and being out of work. My wife wants me to be up on my knee cleaning and driving errands. The doc told me not to drive. My main thing though is not feeling loved in any of this. My younger daughters let me know they love me, but my older daughters struggle too now and it tears me up inside. My heart is just so heavy because now my wife tells me she is no longer "in love" with me. I know she's not a cheater, but what I don't know is why has she stopped loving me? I have been the same guy she married. Maybe that's the problem. I will tell you that I have made changes and sacrificed a lot of who I am to be with my wife. I don't really want to keep changing and trying if she isn't going to. Just don't know what to do because I love her so much and want our marriage to work. Thanks for reading this long note. Any input would be appreciated.

 

[longwait]

You don't have to worry about your wife not loving you anymore. You have a greater lover in Jesus. Human love is conditional love anyway. We are in the end times. And what does scripture say about the day of the Lord? What are we to do?

Return with All Your Heart
…15Blow a trumpet in Zion, Consecrate a fast, proclaim a solemn assembly, 16Gather the people, sanctify the congregation, Assemble the elders, Gather the children and the nursing infants. Let the bridegroom come out of his room And the bride out of her bridal chamber.17Let the priests, the LORD'S ministers, Weep between the porch and the altar, And let them say, "Spare Your people, O LORD, And do not make Your inheritance a reproach, A byword among the nations. Why should they among the peoples say, 'Where is their God?'" Joel 2
Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matthew 10:37

Brother, now the time has come to shift your focus and to give the Lord first place in your heart. Then you will find your peace.

May the Lord comfort you in your trials.

 

[ValleyGal]

There are a lot of little things in your post, like your broken knee and how that changes the dynamics at home. Please follow your doctor's advice. You need to take care of your healing so this does not become a permanent disabling condition. Another little thing might be your daughters and how they absolutely should be doing chores at home - both weekly cleanings as well as daily chores. If we do not teach our children chores, they grow up feeling entitled and have no skills for moving out on their own. In fact, children should be taught chores from a very young age (early childhood).

But the real issue is your marriage. Your wife says she is not in love with you anymore. Every marriage goes through dry spells, and hopefully this is one. Being "in love" is not what holds a marriage together; it's not the fluffy feelings of affection and attraction which make up mature love. Instead, it is choosing to love in spite of not feeling the affection and attraction. Commitment is a combination of care and consistency. "Care" is what it takes - caring about the other person's best interests more than your own, and meeting up to those interests when possible.

I hope you and your wife will be able to work out your stuff. It's so important to talk all this stuff through, be interested in and invested in each other. If you're unable to do this, please go to your pastor for counsel. Also, maybe your wife would be interested in a marriage retreat like Retrauvaille or a Gottman retreat.

 

[Boogeyman07]

I'm truly sorry to hear your struggles. My heart goes out to you. I'm not in a position to give advice but I will lift you and your family up in prayer... prayer is very powerful, remember and believe that. He knows what you and yours need

 

[tturt]

Welcome to the forums. Really sorry that this is happening. You do need to follow dr's orders. Encourage you to read "Love and Respect" by Emerson (think he was a pastor for decades). Praying, too.

 

[ThirstyFollower]

Thanks for all the input and prayers. Sadly my wife just wants me gone. So be it I guess. I have fought my fight and she has fought hers. Just sad that it's ending. Don't understand how someone can fall out of love. To me they never really were. My heart is too heavy to carry anymore. I am still very much in love with my wife. I love my daughters very much as well. Oh well

 

[John Davidson]

Get marriage counseling now!!!

 

[tturt]

posted "wife just wants me gone."
Then if I was in your shoes, I would insist that she would be the one moving out.

 

[ThirstyFollower]

posted "wife just wants me gone."
Then if I was in your shoes, I would insist that she would be the one moving out.

What would Jesus do?

 

[Murby]

Almost sounds to me like your wife might be suffering some kind of chemical imbalance or some sort of depression that has gone un-diagnosed.

Four kids? School? Home? That's a lot to handle for anyone.

 

[farout]

Hi. I have been married to my beautiful wife for 18 years now, and I love her very much. We are not perfect people, and I'm not sure what went wrong in our relationship, but I must have done or not done something? We have 4 amazing daughters that have brought me closer to my relationship with her, but it seems the older they all get, the more alienated I become.
I am big on a structured day for them, so I believe they should have chore responsibilities along with all their school obligations. It seems whenever I have tried to implement this into their lives my wife shoots it down. She feels as though her and I are the ones that should do it all. To serve like Jesus. I can see what she is saying, but where do they learn? We were all put here to serve I thought, and help each other. Needless to say I'm out numbered when it comes to keeping our house a home.
I am an electrician so my day to day is usually not easy and very taxing on my body. Still I come home to clean house and sometimes cook dinner. She has just finished college after 15 years off and on, and being a stay home mom, and is now teaching at our daughters' school. Through all this my wife shows no affection and hasn't for quite some time now. Years. I have to ask for any kind of contact, and I can count on 1 hand how many times she has initiated sex in all our years of marriage. I feel like I have been very patient but how long do I keep going. I'm at my wits end.
I broke my knee recently and have been dealing with those stresses and being out of work. My wife wants me to be up on my knee cleaning and driving errands. The doc told me not to drive. My main thing though is not feeling loved in any of this. My younger daughters let me know they love me, but my older daughters struggle too now and it tears me up inside. My heart is just so heavy because now my wife tells me she is no longer "in love" with me. I know she's not a cheater, but what I don't know is why has she stopped loving me? I have been the same guy she married. Maybe that's the problem. I will tell you that I have made changes and sacrificed a lot of who I am to be with my wife. I don't really want to keep changing and trying if she isn't going to. Just don't know what to do because I love her so much and want our marriage to work. Thanks for reading this long note. Any input would be appreciated.

Most men and I will bet you are like the rest of us, miss when she started sending you signals that there were issues. All too often by the time a husband is alert and got the message that the wife is upset its too late. I pray you take my words VERY SERIOUSLY!
Hardness of heart is ALWAYS at the root of marriage problems. Having counseled and been counseled I can just about bet there are issues you are not even aware of. Your wife is hurt. If you really searched your soul, you might get a clue. Ask the Father to help you search your heart. If your older daughters are showing you indifference then they even have the idea.

Just like you take your car or vehicle for oil changes, tire rotations, and tune ups, so marriages need the same. At 18 years you have entered into a mid-life area when YOU need to re-evaluate the goals you and your wife together. many marriages fail in this critical point. With communication at a weak point and both have established themselves in work, church, kids and boredom becomes the order of the day. To be right up front you need a Christian marriage counselor who has an excellent reputation, and one that pastors can approve of. This should be a very HIGH priority in your agenda ASAP. Be open with your wife that clearly you have missed the signals that you should have noticed.

Satan is a lion seeking whoever he can destroy, especially marriages! Just to start buy your wife some flowers, get a special card, take her out for dinner and a movie. Do something you do not usually do. But take this as a opportunity to renew you wife. She needs it so do you, your love is stale. Do it now!

 

[vinsight4u]

deleted

 

[farout]

Thanks for all the input and prayers. Sadly my wife just wants me gone. So be it I guess. I have fought my fight and she has fought hers. Just sad that it's ending. Don't understand how someone can fall out of love. To me they never really were. My heart is too heavy to carry anymore. I am still very much in love with my wife. I love my daughters very much as well. Oh well

I sure hope you read my post below. There is ALWAYS HOPE in Jesus Christ! ALWAYS!!!

 

[tturt]

Been there and know that Yahweh is the answer.

The children are older plus she's gotten her degree and job. She's comfortable - that's why I suggested that she does the moving out. It might change her perspective on things if her comfort levels are shaken somewhat.

 

[ThirstyFollower]

Most men and I will bet you are like the rest of us, miss when she started sending you signals that there were issues. All too often by the time a husband is alert and got the message that the wife is upset its too late. I pray you take my words VERY SERIOUSLY!
Hardness of heart is ALWAYS at the root of marriage problems. Having counseled and been counseled I can just about bet there are issues you are not even aware of. Your wife is hurt. If you really searched your soul, you might get a clue. Ask the Father to help you search your heart. If your older daughters are showing you indifference then they even have the idea.

Just like you take your car or vehicle for oil changes, tire rotations, and tune ups, so marriages need the same. At 18 years you have entered into a mid-life area when YOU need to re-evaluate the goals you and your wife together. many marriages fail in this critical point. With communication at a weak point and both have established themselves in work, church, kids and boredom becomes the order of the day. To be right up front you need a Christian marriage counselor who has an excellent reputation, and one that pastors can approve of. This should be a very HIGH priority in your agenda ASAP. Be open with your wife that clearly you have missed the signals that you should have noticed.

Satan is a lion seeking whoever he can destroy, especially marriages! Just to start buy your wife some flowers, get a special card, take her out for dinner and a movie. Do something you do not usually do. But take this as a opportunity to renew you wife. She needs it so do you, your love is stale. Do it now!

I have been as intuitive to my wife's feelings our entire marriage as anyone can. Whenever I approach her with what is wrong she doesn't get to the bottom of it. Ever. So we've gone on in unresolved conflict for 18 years now. We married very young and even though we both believe in God we have had differing opinions on a lot of things when it comes to this. As a result she has closed herself off to me and is very stubborn. Also been to counseling a long time ago and that never went well. I'm still willing, but seems like she's not. I can't make her love me. I just have to come to terms that she doesn't want resolution. Difficult when I am still very much in love with her.

 

[Job8]

Just don't know what to do because I love her so much and want our marriage to work.

You both should sit down with some wise and mature Christian counselors and talk about the underlying issues. Sometimes what's inside needs to be expressed. If you've been married for 18 years and are both Christians, then loving each other should not even be an issue.

 

[ThirstyFollower]

Been there and know that Yahweh is the answer.

The children are older plus she's gotten her degree and job. She's comfortable - that's why I suggested that she does the moving out. It might change her perspective on things if her comfort levels are shaken somewhat.

She won't move out... Lol... Her parents own this house that we are living in because I sold it to them to buy land. I used the equity for down payment on land. I still pay the mortgage but ultimately it's theirs. My land is just raw. I'll be living in my camper sounds like.

 

[ThirstyFollower]

You both should sit down with some wise and mature Christian counselors and talk about the underlying issues. Sometimes what's inside needs to be expressed. If you've been married for 18 years and are both Christians, then loving each other should not even be an issue.

That's pretty much how I feel.

 

[Goodbook]

Have a heart to heart with your wife.

Sometimes writing things down in a letter is easier than saying something to someones face. Apologise for anything youve done wrong that you know of and ask forgiveness. If shes a christian, she will heed this. If shes not, you need to pray for her.

From what you wrote I cant really tell. It does sound like shes nursing a grudge.

 

[Albion]

This is a terrible situation, but I can hardly imagine it going on for 18 years or so, unresolved. The only way seems to be to force her to be candid, no matter what her thinking is, and the only way to do that would, unfortunately, be to tell her you're divorcing her because you cannot abide a marriage in which both parties are permanently unhappy. However, I'm recommending nothing.