Marriage considered outdated?

[ThisIsMe123]

I had come across this article, "Why I am not marriage material", via a friend of mine from back in college. This friend's sister has taken the path of an independent, self-driven career woman. I am not aware of her religious affiliation, but all I know is that she has a very liberal point of view.

The older sister, is a very devout, married Christian.

I was wondering if you could read this article, and tell me from this list what you think may be just a cop-out to the marriage institution.

She claims to HIGHLY value her independence and that she's the HAPPIEST when she is single.

She believes the concept of marriage is outdated and that she's a "realist"

People change. The notion of permanence is romantic—that you feel so deeply and passionately about a person that you think marrying is the best way of expressing this. However, my life experience has confirmed a different narrative that is probably much closer to the truth: I have fallen in love with the perfect person for me in the perfect moment several times over. The two of us offered something important and unique that we both needed and found in one another, but we change, we evolve and we learn more about who we are. It’s almost silly to think that we can be everything to each other forever.

Then....

Once upon a time, it brought people together in cohesive units that spurred economic progress and ensured stability for children. But how does it make sense when two adults are independent earners, there is little-to-no stigma in living together sans a legal document and no children are at play?

She doesn't express any God or Christian tie-ins, so I'm guessing she's left out religion on purpose.

I had asked her more devout sister, why does she back her sister's article? She's proud of her sister since she's able to honestly express her views on marriage, which contradict her older sister's belief system, but...I'm assuming since she's family that's the only reason?

Some may just believe her to be a rationalizer. All I know is that she got pregnant in high school, married at 20, divorced at 30 and within that decade that he and her husband had grown into 2 completely different people by that time which thus made them no longer compatible for marriage.

 

[Rajni]

While I wouldn't say that marriage is outdated, I totally concur with the sentiments expressed in that article. And I was married for almost twice as long as the author was, and have two grown children.

 

[timewerx]

One of the reasons we are changing a great deal over a lifetime is due to all the false teachings of the world flying in our faces and have inadvertedly accepted into our lives.

It isn't like that before. Among my grand relatives, divorce is virtually unheard of, apart from cases of infidelity. Nobody divorced from "unreconcilable differences".

Now, the fast changing trends in our modern world, some keeps up, come can't so the changes becomes bigger and doesn't need to be. We shouldn't be following the world anyway.....

 

[Cearbhall]

The problem is projection. I have no reason to doubt that she's entirely right regarding her own life: she probably is happiest on her own, and probably isn't "marriage material." And it's good that she recognized that about herself and feels fulfilled.

But as with nearly any topic under the sun, people want to have a sense of belonging and of being a part of something, so certain types of people think that whatever they feel/experience must be part of some world-changing trend. Instead of recognizing that they're simply working through their thoughts on important matters and big life questions, this type of person thinks that they have everything figured out and have something very profound to say. There have always been people who are this way. The only difference now is that more of them can reach a large audience.

 

[CCHIPSS]

From what you told us about this lady:

This friend's sister has taken the path of an independent, self-driven career woman.

All I know is that she got pregnant in high school, married at 20, divorced at 30 and within that decade that he and her husband had grown into 2 completely different people by that time which thus made them no longer compatible for marriage.

She is clearly a non-believer and doesn't want anything to do with Jesus. If so I won't consider her opinion value in a Christian setting.

It is easily to understand why these non-believers don't want to get married. Because through all their fancy words, they are lovers of themselves and only themselves. They want what they want and don't care what other people needs.

2 Timothy 3:1-8

3 But realize this, that in the last days difficult times will come. 2 For men will be lovers of self, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, revilers, disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 unloving, irreconcilable, malicious gossips, without self-control, brutal, [a]haters of good, 4 treacherous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, 5 holding to a form of godliness, although they have denied its power; Avoid such men as these. 6 For among them are those who [c]enter into households and captivate [d]weak women weighed down with sins, led on by various impulses, 7 always learning and never able to come to the [e]knowledge of the truth. 8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so these men also oppose the truth, men of depraved mind, rejected in regard to the faith.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

From what you told us about this lady:





She is clearly a non-believer and doesn't want anything to do with Jesus. If so I won't consider her opinion value in a Christian setting.

It is easily to understand why these non-believers don't want to get married. Because through all their fancy words, they are lovers of themselves and only themselves. They want what they want and don't care what other people needs.

Good point. I see a lot of women that divorce (not singling out a single gender, but women do tend to be the one filing for divorces mostly) that say, "It's time for me."

Apparently, they grow weary of the roles as a wife, and just prefer to be single once again. They'll even admit, "It's time for me to be selfish!" and justify their actions as they felt they've giving all these years, they can up and stop giving.

 

[Applekrate]

Good point. I see a lot of women that divorce (not singling out a single gender, but women do tend to be the one filing for divorces mostly) that say, "It's time for me."

Apparently, they grow weary of the roles as a wife, and just prefer to be single once again. They'll even admit, "It's time for me to be selfish!" and justify their actions as they felt they've giving all these years, they can up and stop giving.

There is a Christian relationship counselor in the Phoenix area that is pretty well known and even has some radio programs. She says that 88% of divorces are filed by women. Prior to hearing that, had just figured it was 50 50. then, started thinking- have never known a man to filed for divorce, all have been women, It seems they are just not happy. Have experienced the same thing with some of the gals I dated, even the Christian ones. They were happily divorced. They already had had their nice ceremonial big wedding, already had their kids and did not want to marry again. food for thought

A wedding is still a very BIG deal for women. There is lots of focus and cost centered on them and women LOVE attention more than most anything. They see themselves as "the prize" and 'deserve' the best of weddings. However, after the big wedding, many tire of being a wife. Eps if they do not get their way and think little of filing for a divorce. As a single mom, they are eligible for many govmnt benefits and most of the welfare in the US is single moms. It is not men who are bums (majority of welfare ) though they are stereotyped as such. I went and saw for myself and talked to some of the employees at the welfare office- indeed, most welfare paid out ( food stamps, whatever else ) is paid to single women with kids. So, the govt effectively has become the 'husband/father' and the women do not have to answer to them much. They get free money from tax payers each month. Many single moms look at this as getting their cake and eating too. These are some of the things where, indeed, the secular, and some of the Christain, world see marriage as being outdated. If this trend continues, it will have devastating effects on society. I wish I had the answers but, am just an observer ( as a single man who has yet to marry and has no kids ).

 

[CCHIPSS]

There is a Christian relationship counselor in the Phoenix area that is pretty well known and even has some radio programs. She says that 88% of divorces are filed by women. Prior to hearing that, had just figured it was 50 50. then, started thinking- have never known a man to filed for divorce, all have been women, It seems they are just not happy. Have experienced the same thing with some of the gals I dated, even the Christian ones. They were happily divorced. They already had had their nice ceremonial big wedding, already had their kids and did not want to marry again. food for thought

A wedding is still a very BIG deal for women. There is lots of focus and cost centered on them and women LOVE attention more than most anything. They see themselves as "the prize" and 'deserve' the best of weddings. However, after the big wedding, many tire of being a wife. Eps if they do not get their way and think little of filing for a divorce. As a single mom, they are eligible for many govmnt benefits and most of the welfare in the US is single moms. It is not men who are bums (majority of welfare ) though they are stereotyped as such. I went and saw for myself and talked to some of the employees at the welfare office- indeed, most welfare paid out ( food stamps, whatever else ) is paid to single women with kids. So, the govt effectively has become the 'husband/father' and the women do not have to answer to them much. They get free money from tax payers each month. Many single moms look at this as getting their cake and eating too. These are some of the things where, indeed, the secular, and some of the Christain, world see marriage as being outdated. If this trend continues, it will have devastating effects on society. I wish I had the answers but, am just an observer ( as a single man who has yet to marry and has no kids ).

There will probably be some kind of damage to the children's growth, because the dad is missing. I heard most of these kids have anger issues.
Psychological Effects of Growing Up Without a Father

 

[ThisIsMe123]

There is a Christian relationship counselor in the Phoenix area that is pretty well known and even has some radio programs. She says that 88% of divorces are filed by women. Prior to hearing that, had just figured it was 50 50. then, started thinking- have never known a man to filed for divorce, all have been women, It seems they are just not happy. Have experienced the same thing with some of the gals I dated, even the Christian ones. They were happily divorced. They already had had their nice ceremonial big wedding, already had their kids and did not want to marry again. food for thought

A wedding is still a very BIG deal for women. There is lots of focus and cost centered on them and women LOVE attention more than most anything. They see themselves as "the prize" and 'deserve' the best of weddings. However, after the big wedding, many tire of being a wife. Eps if they do not get their way and think little of filing for a divorce. As a single mom, they are eligible for many govmnt benefits and most of the welfare in the US is single moms. It is not men who are bums (majority of welfare ) though they are stereotyped as such. I went and saw for myself and talked to some of the employees at the welfare office- indeed, most welfare paid out ( food stamps, whatever else ) is paid to single women with kids. So, the govt effectively has become the 'husband/father' and the women do not have to answer to them much. They get free money from tax payers each month. Many single moms look at this as getting their cake and eating too. These are some of the things where, indeed, the secular, and some of the Christain, world see marriage as being outdated. If this trend continues, it will have devastating effects on society. I wish I had the answers but, am just an observer ( as a single man who has yet to marry and has no kids ).

Yep..100% spot on, if women are filing for most of the divorces, that's quite telling. Seems men are willing to stick out long than women for some reason. I knew of a guy that came home from work or something. Married 18 years, didn't suspect at thing...came out of nowhere...found his wife's bags packed.

Another one, as soon as the kid left for college, 20 year marriage went bye-bye.

I am guessing people are living longer lives, and it's hard to abide by the death do us part vow?

Me and a female friend were discussing how people can just "walk" out of marriages or relationships just....because...ya know? Grass is always greener and stuff. It's sad.

One day, you could simply just get sick of looking at the person daily, and want out.

When I went to singles functions, you'd be surprised on how many divorcee's I met.

There are men that are going that anti-marriage route, sadly, because they don't want to take the risk of loosing their finances in a divorce settlement, alimony, live in a cheap apt., etc. Sure, they'll date and have girlfriends, but a 2nd marriage? The very idea makes them nauseous.

It seems they are just not happy.

That's just it, marriage is treated as if its disposable. Trading up for something better. Now some may say the man's role to still continue to be interesting or romantic with the woman.

Perhaps men get too comfortable and quite frankly, bore their wife to death?

 

[ThisIsMe123]

It is not men who are bums (majority of welfare ) though they are stereotyped as such. I went and saw for myself and talked to some of the employees at the welfare office- indeed, most welfare paid out ( food stamps, whatever else ) is paid to single women with kids. So, the govt effectively has become the 'husband/father' and the women do not have to answer to them much. They get free money from tax payers each month. Many single moms look at this as getting their cake and eating too.

Spot on again, brother...

I've always used the cake and eating it too. I've so far met probably 2 or 3 single mothers in their 20s and 30s. One is late 20s, has a 5 year old...and says her parents help her with the child.

The other has 3 kids, claims to have said she's done it all on her own...but chances are, she's getting some kind of govt. benefits as she has no family in the area.

Although, I don't know the whole story on them, but I'd need to kind of proceed with caution when getting to know them better. Find out their situation and hope they aren't looking for a meal ticket.

Some may even have children born out of wedlock, the father no longer in the picture sadly, and they have to rely on assistance.

 

[Rajni]

Speculative generalizations by the yet-to-be-married aside, there's more to the stats than just "women needing attention all the time", etc. In many cases, it's because the marriage doesn't change the guy's life all that much, while it completely changes the gal's.

In our case, it was the guy who wanted the divorce (probably record-breaking in its amicability, I might add).

We're no longer living in the 50's where -- if I might indulge in a little generalizing myself -- women were property as much as they were partners, and the fact that they can now exercise their independence as easily as men can might strike a nerve in the latter, especially if they're traditionalist. So it's understandable that the latter would conclude that it's all the woman's fault and the righteous men of God are being victimized somehow.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

We're no longer living in the 50's where -- if I might indulge in a little generalizing myself -- women were property as much as they were partners, and the fact that they can now exercise their independence as easily as men can might strike a nerve in the latter, especially if they're traditionalist. So it's understandable that the latter would conclude that it's all the woman's fault and the righteous men of God are being victimized somehow.

Right...women have become the way men are today and some men are turned off by this...at least the more conservative men.

I had a boss, blue collar southern Baptist type. Had a young wife, 3 kids back-to-back. He made some kind of remark about a woman at work...was kind of mocking her saying stuff like, "Oh, I get it...she doesn't want to get married, because you don't need a man."

He would say typical sexist stuff regarding "women these days".

Then there's the feminization of the church. Just Google that, and you'll see tons of topics. I think that's in regards to a higher percentage of women attending church more than men. You know, wife goes to church with the kids...hubby is off fishing or at the golf course.

 

[Hiatus]

Outdated according to whom? Marriage isn't for everyone, and this isn't just a worldly opinion. In fact, some of the most devout believers eschew marriage for a monastic lifestyle.

 

[dayhiker]

I was married and we raised our kids, that worked really well from my point of view.
The wife and I did a lot of things together. But as we followed Christ she became more conservative and I became more liberal in how we saw what God wanted us to do. A few problems and she divorced me.
I'm enjoying life a whole lot these days. Have so many friends I have a hard time keeping up with them.
Since then I've fallen in love with more than one woman. Have better relationships now than I did with my wife. But I'll not marry again. 1st I don't want the government involved in my relationships. 2nd, I want the money I've made going to my kids and not her kids went we die. I'm not trying to build a kingdom any more. So marriage just doesn't make sense any more for me. If I was 20 and wanted a family I'd be looking for that woman to marry. But at 65, most of those things that interested me back there aren't of interest to me any more.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

I had come across this article, "Why I am not marriage material", via a friend of mine from back in college. This friend's sister has taken the path of an independent, self-driven career woman. I am not aware of her religious affiliation, but all I know is that she has a very liberal point of view.

The older sister, is a very devout, married Christian.

I was wondering if you could read this article, and tell me from this list what you think may be just a cop-out to the marriage institution.

She claims to HIGHLY value her independence and that she's the HAPPIEST when she is single.

She believes the concept of marriage is outdated and that she's a "realist"

People change. The notion of permanence is romantic—that you feel so deeply and passionately about a person that you think marrying is the best way of expressing this. However, my life experience has confirmed a different narrative that is probably much closer to the truth: I have fallen in love with the perfect person for me in the perfect moment several times over. The two of us offered something important and unique that we both needed and found in one another, but we change, we evolve and we learn more about who we are. It’s almost silly to think that we can be everything to each other forever.

Then....

Once upon a time, it brought people together in cohesive units that spurred economic progress and ensured stability for children. But how does it make sense when two adults are independent earners, there is little-to-no stigma in living together sans a legal document and no children are at play?

She doesn't express any God or Christian tie-ins, so I'm guessing she's left out religion on purpose.

I had asked her more devout sister, why does she back her sister's article? She's proud of her sister since she's able to honestly express her views on marriage, which contradict her older sister's belief system, but...I'm assuming since she's family that's the only reason?

Some may just believe her to be a rationalizer. All I know is that she got pregnant in high school, married at 20, divorced at 30 and within that decade that he and her husband had grown into 2 completely different people by that time which thus made them no longer compatible for marriage.

The article makes total sense to me. She knows who she is, she knows what works for her, and she's sticking with that. Sounds like a plan.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Since then I've fallen in love with more than one woman. Have better relationships now than I did with my wife. But I'll not marry again. 1st I don't want the government involved in my relationships. 2nd, I want the money I've made going to my kids and not her kids went we die. I'm not trying to build a kingdom any more. So marriage just doesn't make sense any more for me. If I was 20 and wanted a family I'd be looking for that woman to marry. But at 65, most of those things that interested me back there aren't of interest to me any more.

Playing devil's advocate here...and, I do understand what you're saying., too. I get it!.

Okay, that said...many Christians would believe you are currently actively and willing sinning in the eyes of the Lord and a soul that is doomed, however, can you abide by the reasoning in God's eyes if you were to tell him, "God, I was more happy having multiple girlfriends than I was married, and quite frankly, I don't want the govt involved in our marriage, so...I hope that's okay, yes?

Put more frankly, would God excuse this?

A Christian saying, "I'll not marry again" or just "never marry" would be quite alien to the members of their congregation.

Funny thing, a Christian friend posted a video about how a women that are always the girlfriend, but never winds up being married. It was a sermon given by a pastor that "Men need to wake up and stop dragging their feet and marry their girlfriends!" or something to that effect.

Always the girlfriend, but never the wife. Apparently, and sadly, that's so common these days and the pastor was trying to get people to knock it off.

How old were you when you got your divorce? Was it recently or quite a good amount of time before you reached 65?

 

[dayhiker]

It was almost 10 years ago that I was divorced.

I agree that guys should marry their GFs rather than dump them, they should getting serious. Any relationship takes some sacrifice. Also every relationship should be receiving some special attention from the other mate. Especially the one to be a family. That part of my life is past now.

I have studied the Bible and church history quite a bit and I can explain my views from the Bible and where non-biblical views come from. I'd be glad to sit down for how ever long it takes till we mutually understand these things. I believe first off all we are to love one another. Remember the Gentiles marveled at how much love the Christians had. I very seldom hear Christians being praised for how much love they have. .. Coincidentally I was message that even the CEOs of America are more ethical than Christian leaders this week! So I'll listen to those that think I'm willfully sinning and my soul is doomed when they have really loved me. Thankfully I know what that looks like as I've loved people for months with not one word about sin or judgement. Then one day they make a comment, they open up and bear their heart to me wanting to love people they way I have loved them and want to talk about something in their life. That is when a life is changed. Not when I tell you "the truth in love" and walk away. The difference is between putting a dagger in the person's heart and walking away or being with a person and loving them till they open their chest and take out their heart and put it in your hands to examine and ask you to help them heal their heart.

 

[exitstageright]

Yep..100% spot on, if women are filing for most of the divorces, that's quite telling. Seems men are willing to stick out long than women for some reason. I knew of a guy that came home from work or something. Married 18 years, didn't suspect at thing...came out of nowhere...found his wife's bags packed.

Another one, as soon as the kid left for college, 20 year marriage went bye-bye.

I am guessing people are living longer lives, and it's hard to abide by the death do us part vow?

Me and a female friend were discussing how people can just "walk" out of marriages or relationships just....because...ya know? Grass is always greener and stuff. It's sad.

One day, you could simply just get sick of looking at the person daily, and want out.

When I went to singles functions, you'd be surprised on how many divorcee's I met.

There are men that are going that anti-marriage route, sadly, because they don't want to take the risk of loosing their finances in a divorce settlement, alimony, live in a cheap apt., etc. Sure, they'll date and have girlfriends, but a 2nd marriage? The very idea makes them nauseous.



That's just it, marriage is treated as if its disposable. Trading up for something better. Now some may say the man's role to still continue to be interesting or romantic with the woman.

Perhaps men get too comfortable and quite frankly, bore their wife to death?

The grass my be greener on the other side of the fence. But,it is the same old bull ( or cow) that is eating the grass.

 

[MehGuy]

Sounds like MGTOW.. but since she's not a man she'll be praised as being brave and forward thinking.. instead of some misogynistic loser.. lol.

 

[Saucy]

It's pure selfishness. That's all it is. My grandparents were married for 60+ years before my grandma passed away recently. You can make it work if you want to. You have to be honest with each other. If something's wrong, say so.

I've known a lot of women who would treat guys like they should be psychic and know what she was thinking and know she wasn't happy, but she never told him anything. But it's his fault for not knowing? Men are guilty of that too, just seeking affairs instead of figuring out a way to re-stoke the homefires.