Love and Honor our parents?

[TG MD]

Do I have to call my mom? If so, how often?

My mom is 74-yrs old, and she lives in another state. We have never had any major fights, but that is because I try to placate her and never confront her. She lives alone and is healthy. She is mean, critical, self-centered, controlling and actually lies a lot. We see each other 3-4 a year, and after *almost* every visit, I am upset for at least a week trying to recover from her "subtle" digs, blatant rude remarks, negative reply to everything, and critical spirit.

I have never wanted to talk to her on the phone because of the above things I mentioned. Also, I really am not and never have been a "phone" person. Now, if she needed me I would drop anything and everything and be there. I spent many days with her helping her recover from knee replacement, and I took her to cataract's appts.

Unless she really needs me, I rather NOT talk to her, but every few months. Recently, I let 2 1/2 weeks go by without calling her and she left me a mean voice mail and told me "it was sad I was too busy to call her" and it's not fair that my sister has to be the one to check on her.

I am not a busy person at all, I simply don't like her and I don't like the way she treats me or anyone, and the more I am around her, the more I dislike her. She thinks senior citizens can do and say whatever they want, and should express discontent in stores, restaurants, anytime and place.

SO............. do I have to call per her expectation because I am commanded to honor and love? Am I supposed to let her impose her will on me? Am I suppose to subject myself to her nasty personality?

Realize.. she can drive, she has friends, money, etc.. I am not talking about an old frail unhealthy women here.

Thanks for your time reading this and I appreciate your thoughts.

Hi Gwen,
I have read over the responses you have received. Some are sympathetic and understanding and there is a tone of love. Others, well, not so much. I find myself feeling judgemental toward those who are sounding judgemental toward you. We are all such pathetic sinners aren't we. I am sorry for the problems you are having.
I feel guilty and confused as well by similar problems with my mother who is a Christian, reads her Bible and prays and I love her but on the other hand has some very difficult personality traits to deal with. Manipulative, critical, controlling, guilt trips, never acknowledges her own part of things or apologizes for anything. Never has anything nice to say about me. My brother is not a believer and just a few months ago said, "I think Mom is the most difficult person I know".
It seems that the only people here who have pat answers have had no experience with difficult parents like this who can leave them emotionally and mentally distraught, confused and feeling guilty all within just a few short minutes on the phone. I've been there.
I remember getting off the phone once with my mother feeling exactly the way you have described your own feelings. And yes, it can take days to recover. I remember lying on the floor feeling distraught and angry and guilty and confused. All I could do was pray, "God please help me, please help me". The verse from Proverbs 29:8 came to my mind: The fear of man brings a snare.
I felt at peace and I didn't feel guilty any more. We do not have to be slaves to our parents manipulation and guilt trips. We do want to please our parents and have their approval but becoming enslaved (snared) to their manipulations is not required to honour them.
Do what you are mentally and emotionally capable of in regards to your relationship with your mother and pray. Ask God for wisdom in how to handle your mother's behaviours. He promises that he will give it, James 1:5. It may come in the form of Bible verses or advice from counsellors or an epiphany to you from God Himself.
I believe that you will be honouring both your mother and God in this way.
God is not like some parents are. He is not manipulative and demanding and critical etc. He loves us and feels our pain and wants to help us and guide us.
someone quoted Galatians 5 and the fruit of the Spirit. I love that verse. Love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, kindness, meekness, faith and self control. I want these things in my life. They come from the Holy Spirit within us, they are not pushed down our throats.
God loves to see us grow. Remember that HE is loving, kind, and gentle and patient with us as well. He knows we will fall again. What I love about Him is that I know He will be there to help me get back up again. He is VERY VERY gently and kind and merciful and forgiving.
Love, your brother, TG.
PS. as I post this, I promise I will pray for you as well.

 

[HenryM]

I agree with those who recognize difficulty in this situation.

It may be one of the most difficult situations to be in, emotionally.

There are good answers here. I'll add this - we can always send love to those who hurt us. And when it's difficult, it's easier to do it when not on the phone or face to face with them.

 

[toLiJC]

Do I have to call my mom? If so, how often?

My mom is 74-yrs old, and she lives in another state. We have never had any major fights, but that is because I try to placate her and never confront her. She lives alone and is healthy. She is mean, critical, self-centered, controlling and actually lies a lot. We see each other 3-4 a year, and after *almost* every visit, I am upset for at least a week trying to recover from her "subtle" digs, blatant rude remarks, negative reply to everything, and critical spirit.

I have never wanted to talk to her on the phone because of the above things I mentioned. Also, I really am not and never have been a "phone" person. Now, if she needed me I would drop anything and everything and be there. I spent many days with her helping her recover from knee replacement, and I took her to cataract's appts.

Unless she really needs me, I rather NOT talk to her, but every few months. Recently, I let 2 1/2 weeks go by without calling her and she left me a mean voice mail and told me "it was sad I was too busy to call her" and it's not fair that my sister has to be the one to check on her.

I am not a busy person at all, I simply don't like her and I don't like the way she treats me or anyone, and the more I am around her, the more I dislike her. She thinks senior citizens can do and say whatever they want, and should express discontent in stores, restaurants, anytime and place.

SO............. do I have to call per her expectation because I am commanded to honor and love? Am I supposed to let her impose her will on me? Am I suppose to subject myself to her nasty personality?

Realize.. she can drive, she has friends, money, etc.. I am not talking about an old frail unhealthy women here.

Thanks for your time reading this and I appreciate your thoughts.

to honor them means to assist/help them when they need help/assistance, as well as to take care of them in the weakness of their old age, but, first of all, the father and the mother of the fifth commandment are the true Saints, and of course this doesn't exclude the parents that had raised and taken care of you before you grew up and began to alone take care of yourself

Blessings

 

[Tony Trout]

But as an adult, you are no longer obligated to live by your parents' rules. You don't have to submit to their authority; in fact they do not have authority over their adult children. Honoring your parents then means treating them with kindness and respect, but also establishing boundaries of your own. It is now a "two-way' street.

Not to take this off-topic but....what if, like me, a person is disabled and can't be on their own?

I've been disabled with Cerebral Palsy & Hydrocephalus since birth and, for that reason, I've always lived at home. However, even though I'm now way past childhood (I'm 40...will be 41 in May), I'm also a musician and Mom still gets upset with me if I want to buy myself something small or something that's maybe a bit expensive. However, there are times that I'll hear her and Dad (my stepdad....my real father passed away when I was three from a massive heart attack) talking about things that they need or want for the house that may cost hundreds of dollars and, to be honest, it makes me very angry that they'll do this while basically ignoring my wants or wishes.

 

[Rescued One]

Well, Gwen, I'm glad you brought this up! Several of us have empathy because we've been there!

My father was always critical of me and just plain verbally abusive. Another relative verbally abused me. I imagine it does cause PTSD. In therapy, I learned that my bending over backwards to earn my father's approval would probably never change my father's attitude towards me. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. Because I lived far away, I didn't have to endure the abuse anymore.

My mother's personality is similar to yours. Because she's so old and I know how to avoid her wrath, I'm always kind and avoid topics that we disagree on. It breaks my heart when she tells me how she treats some of her children, telling me that they deserve it. None of them are Christians. I've tried giving my mother advice to no avail. My mother lives far away, but I call her every day. I'm glad I'm not in that chaotic environment. I feel your pain.

My advice is to avoid conflict but whether you call her or send cards, do something to show you care. If she criticizes you over the phone and you haven't said anything unkind, tell her in a calm voice that you'll have to hang up and that you'll wait until she's ready to talk without being angry. I've done that. My mother is starting to like me.

 

[EmeraldFields]

Have a talk with her. You might find she is disagreeable due to having very hurt feelings because her child does not want to talk to her often. A mother's love is very strong.

Not for all mothers, it isn't...

 

[Rescued One]

Not to take this off-topic but....what if, like me, a person is disabled and can't be on their own?

I've been disabled with Cerebral Palsy & Hydrocephalus since birth and, for that reason, I've always lived at home. However, even though I'm now way past childhood (I'm 40...will be 41 in May), I'm also a musician and Mom still gets upset with me if I want to buy myself something small or something that's maybe a bit expensive. However, there are times that I'll hear her and Dad (my stepdad....my real father passed away when I was three from a massive heart attack) talking about things that they need or want for the house that may cost hundreds of dollars and, to be honest, it makes me very angry that they'll do this while basically ignoring my wants or wishes.

I hear your pain.

 

[EmeraldFields]

Not to take this off-topic but....what if, like me, a person is disabled and can't be on their own?

I've been disabled with Cerebral Palsy & Hydrocephalus since birth and, for that reason, I've always lived at home. However, even though I'm now way past childhood (I'm 40...will be 41 in May), I'm also a musician and Mom still gets upset with me if I want to buy myself something small or something that's maybe a bit expensive. However, there are times that I'll hear her and Dad (my stepdad....my real father passed away when I was three from a massive heart attack) talking about things that they need or want for the house that may cost hundreds of dollars and, to be honest, it makes me very angry that they'll do this while basically ignoring my wants or wishes.

Maybe talk to your Mom and set up some respectful boundaries with each other? God bless!

 

[rockytopva]

And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. - Matthew 10:36

 

[Beaker]

Do I have to call my mom? If so, how often?

My mom is 74-yrs old, and she lives in another state. We have never had any major fights, but that is because I try to placate her and never confront her. She lives alone and is healthy. She is mean, critical, self-centered, controlling and actually lies a lot. We see each other 3-4 a year, and after *almost* every visit, I am upset for at least a week trying to recover from her "subtle" digs, blatant rude remarks, negative reply to everything, and critical spirit.

I have never wanted to talk to her on the phone because of the above things I mentioned. Also, I really am not and never have been a "phone" person. Now, if she needed me I would drop anything and everything and be there. I spent many days with her helping her recover from knee replacement, and I took her to cataract's appts.

Unless she really needs me, I rather NOT talk to her, but every few months. Recently, I let 2 1/2 weeks go by without calling her and she left me a mean voice mail and told me "it was sad I was too busy to call her" and it's not fair that my sister has to be the one to check on her.

I am not a busy person at all, I simply don't like her and I don't like the way she treats me or anyone, and the more I am around her, the more I dislike her. She thinks senior citizens can do and say whatever they want, and should express discontent in stores, restaurants, anytime and place.

SO............. do I have to call per her expectation because I am commanded to honor and love? Am I supposed to let her impose her will on me? Am I suppose to subject myself to her nasty personality?

Realize.. she can drive, she has friends, money, etc.. I am not talking about an old frail unhealthy women here.

Thanks for your time reading this and I appreciate your thoughts.

 

[Beaker]

You don't HAVE to do anything, BUT....... when your mother dies, will you feel elated or sad? I reckon you will feel sad, she has ALWAYS been your mother and the only mother you will ever have had, love her or loathe her. However "What you reap, so shall you sew" When YOU get old, who knows what a crabbed old woman you will be? God ALSO says in the commandments - NOTE they are NOT 'suggestions' but 'COMMANDMENTS' Honour your father and mother; and then HE gives a reward for doing so - that your days may be long on the land the Lord your God gives you. When your mum dies, maybe initially you will be relieved that you don't have to visit her any more or have to listen to her again, BUT through time, the bad memories will dissipate and the happier memories will come to the fore, THEN guilt will also come because you DIDN'T do more for her when she was around. The choice is YOURS.

 

[BukiRob]

You may be underestimating the damage that an emotionally destructive family member can inflict. If my next-door neighbor or co-worker is rude, I can often shake it off. But there's something different about a parent who is emotionally destructive. There is a deep bond with the parent that stretches back to childhood; you love and truly care about your parent and want them to be happy. You've probably been trying to make your parent happy your whole life; that's a natural part of a child's relationship with their parents. In that context, when the parent acts in ways that are cruel or critical or controlling, not just once but year after year, it is deeply painful. You are drawn to this person who is hurting you, over and over.

It is possible, sometimes, to cultivate enough emotional strength and distance that you can continue to have a relationship with your family member without being debilitated by the pain of being with them. But don't underestimate how hard this is to do. And understand that sometimes the pain is just too much.

I can assure you that when Paul wrote this: 11 Not that I speak [g]from want, for I have learned to be [h]content in whatever circumstances I am. 12 I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. 13 I can do all things through Him who strengthens me. 14 Nevertheless, you have done well to share with me in my affliction.

Paul was in chains awaiting what would become his execution. I think we can all agree his circumstances were a bit more challenging than difficult relationship with a parent.

 

[Florin Lăiu]

Do I have to call my mom? If so, how often?

My mom is 74-yrs old, and she lives in another state. We have never had any major fights, but that is because I try to placate her and never confront her. She lives alone and is healthy. She is mean, critical, self-centered, controlling and actually lies a lot. We see each other 3-4 a year, and after *almost* every visit, I am upset for at least a week trying to recover from her "subtle" digs, blatant rude remarks, negative reply to everything, and critical spirit.

I have never wanted to talk to her on the phone because of the above things I mentioned. Also, I really am not and never have been a "phone" person. Now, if she needed me I would drop anything and everything and be there. I spent many days with her helping her recover from knee replacement, and I took her to cataract's appts.

Unless she really needs me, I rather NOT talk to her, but every few months. Recently, I let 2 1/2 weeks go by without calling her and she left me a mean voice mail and told me "it was sad I was too busy to call her" and it's not fair that my sister has to be the one to check on her.

I am not a busy person at all, I simply don't like her and I don't like the way she treats me or anyone, and the more I am around her, the more I dislike her. She thinks senior citizens can do and say whatever they want, and should express discontent in stores, restaurants, anytime and place.

SO............. do I have to call per her expectation because I am commanded to honor and love? Am I supposed to let her impose her will on me? Am I suppose to subject myself to her nasty personality?

Realize.. she can drive, she has friends, money, etc.. I am not talking about an old frail unhealthy women here.

Thanks for your time reading this and I appreciate your thoughts.

God’s commandment requires first of all love for our neighbor. Thus if your mom has no special needs, she certainly needs your prayers to salvation. God’s commandment asks you to honour your parents, and this means to obey them in childhood, to take their advice in critical things, when you are teen-ager and young man in their home, and to care for their well being when they are old. You also must honor them by your good behavior, that is not cause them be ashamed about you. I don’t think that you, as an adult, must be submissive to any caprice and controlling spirit of your mother. You certainly must not honor such an unchristian spirit. But don’t cease to pray for her, sincerely, and sometimes call her, because her spiritual health is very critical.

 

[MonstersvsMartyrs]

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My dad is just like your mom. And ive been wrestling with the same kinds of questions over the past few days especially.

You are really lucky to be living by yourself now. Im unfortunate enough to still be living at home, with no ability to be on my own.

All my life, Ive heard that "honour your parents" verse quoted to me as a reason for why I should do everything my parents say. And ive heard "love your neighbour" and "forgive others" used to excuse my dads bad behavior.

This is not as easy as it may sound, and if you have been in a position with parents like ours, youll understand just how difficult and sometimes even impossible it is to just put up with it and still maintain peace.

I would like to give just one example of the kind of issues ive had with my dad, and keep in mind these are not isolated incidents, but part of ongoing DAILY problems. Yes, daily my dad yells at us about anything he can find to get angry about and demands his own way.

When I started a jewelry business, my dad would try to run everything. He would get extremely angry and throw a temper tantrum if I even had ONE piece of jewelry not placed on the table in the order he thought they should be in. At one time, he even ordered $1000 worth of jewelry without telling me and then demanded I pay him back. I tried to return it, (it was really bad stuff made of plastic), but he went to the post office and retrieved it when he found out. He kept doing this over and over to keep me "in debt" to him, so I never became financially independent.

I had this business from the time I was 18-21 and I made great money at it-sometimes $1000 a day-but I eventually gave it up because it was just too stressful to have to deal with my dad interfering with it. For instance, he told me that I had to put up these big, ugly 1/2 off signs, and tell people the jewelry was half off as part of a marketing scam. I told him I didnt want to do that because it was deceitful. The jewelry was not half off. It was a lie. He wouldnt give up on this, EVEN after the fair director told me that they werent going to let me sell there anymore unless I removed the signs. He kept calling me asking me if the signs were up. He even sent people to my booth to make SURE id put them up. And when he got the report that they werent, he called me in a rage, yelling that he would disown me if I didnt put up the half off signs.

In this situation, do you think it would be Biblical for me to cave to his demands and lie to the public for the sake of "honouring my father"?

Acts 5:29
Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than human beings!"

So here we have an example of one exception to the "obey your parents" rule. Lets look at some other verses about what God wants us to do:

Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare for yourself.

Matthew 18
15Moreover if your brother shall trespass against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone: if he shall hear you, you have gained your brother.

16But if he will not hear you, then take with you one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto you as a heathen man and a tax collector.

This verse is the verse I have been thinking a lot about lately. There is a certain procedure that Jesus Himself gave us to deal with difficult relationships where a person is wronging us. And it is not "if they trespass against you, just put up with it and let them abuse you, because nobodys perfect and we have to love eachother unconditionally, so just look the other way and dont hold them accountable for their behavior". Because thats what Ive been told all my life. No, it says that we 1. Confront them about how they are mistreating us, 2. If they dont listen, we bring other people along to talk to them too, 3. If they still dont listen, we bring them to the church, 4. If they still dont listen, we treat them as if they were unbelievers. If your mom is anything like my dad, she will not listen to anybody. And what does the Bible say about unbelievers?

2 Corinthians 6
14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:

“I will live with them

and walk among them,

and I will be their God,

and they will be my people.”

17Therefore,

“Come out from them

and be separate,

says the Lord.

Touch no unclean thing,

and I will receive you.”

18And,

“I will be a Father to you,

and you will be my sons and daughters,

says the Lord Almighty.”

Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Sometimes the only possible way to live at peace with someone is to try our best to avoid them, because they will always find a way to start conflict with us. If being around somebody is causing you to hate them, I would say keep your distance so you can go on loving them.

These are my thoughts lately anyway. Im taking a Christian conflict resolution class, and I will let you know what I learn. I would like to hear your thoughts on these verses.

 

[Ken Rank]

Do I have to call my mom? If so, how often?

My mom is 74-yrs old, and she lives in another state. We have never had any major fights, but that is because I try to placate her and never confront her. She lives alone and is healthy. She is mean, critical, self-centered, controlling and actually lies a lot. We see each other 3-4 a year, and after *almost* every visit, I am upset for at least a week trying to recover from her "subtle" digs, blatant rude remarks, negative reply to everything, and critical spirit.

I have never wanted to talk to her on the phone because of the above things I mentioned. Also, I really am not and never have been a "phone" person. Now, if she needed me I would drop anything and everything and be there. I spent many days with her helping her recover from knee replacement, and I took her to cataract's appts.

Unless she really needs me, I rather NOT talk to her, but every few months. Recently, I let 2 1/2 weeks go by without calling her and she left me a mean voice mail and told me "it was sad I was too busy to call her" and it's not fair that my sister has to be the one to check on her.

I am not a busy person at all, I simply don't like her and I don't like the way she treats me or anyone, and the more I am around her, the more I dislike her. She thinks senior citizens can do and say whatever they want, and should express discontent in stores, restaurants, anytime and place.

SO............. do I have to call per her expectation because I am commanded to honor and love? Am I supposed to let her impose her will on me? Am I suppose to subject myself to her nasty personality?

Realize.. she can drive, she has friends, money, etc.. I am not talking about an old frail unhealthy women here.

Thanks for your time reading this and I appreciate your thoughts.

The idea of "honoring parents" means to place a great weight (value) on them. Obviously this is not monetary... it is a weight or value of love, respect, appreciation, and distinction. How that manifests itself is truly between you, your heart, and God.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

I can totally understand where you are coming from. My dad is just like your mom. And ive been wrestling with the same kinds of questions over the past few days especially.

You are really lucky to be living by yourself now. Im unfortunate enough to still be living at home, with no ability to be on my own.

All my life, Ive heard that "honour your parents" verse quoted to me as a reason for why I should do everything my parents say. And ive heard "love your neighbour" and "forgive others" used to excuse my dads bad behavior.

This is not as easy as it may sound, and if you have been in a position with parents like ours, youll understand just how difficult and sometimes even impossible it is to just put up with it and still maintain peace.

I would like to give just one example of the kind of issues ive had with my dad, and keep in mind these are not isolated incidents, but part of ongoing DAILY problems. Yes, daily my dad yells at us about anything he can find to get angry about and demands his own way.

When I started a jewelry business, my dad would try to run everything. He would get extremely angry and throw a temper tantrum if I even had ONE piece of jewelry not placed on the table in the order he thought they should be in. At one time, he even ordered $1000 worth of jewelry without telling me and then demanded I pay him back. I tried to return it, (it was really bad stuff made of plastic), but he went to the post office and retrieved it when he found out. He kept doing this over and over to keep me "in debt" to him, so I never became financially independent.

I had this business from the time I was 18-21 and I made great money at it-sometimes $1000 a day-but I eventually gave it up because it was just too stressful to have to deal with my dad interfering with it. For instance, he told me that I had to put up these big, ugly 1/2 off signs, and tell people the jewelry was half off as part of a marketing scam. I told him I didnt want to do that because it was deceitful. The jewelry was not half off. It was a lie. He wouldnt give up on this, EVEN after the fair director told me that they werent going to let me sell there anymore unless I removed the signs. He kept calling me asking me if the signs were up. He even sent people to my booth to make SURE id put them up. And when he got the report that they werent, he called me in a rage, yelling that he would disown me if I didnt put up the half off signs.

In this situation, do you think it would be Biblical for me to cave to his demands and lie to the public for the sake of "honouring my father"?

Acts 5:29
Peter and the other apostles replied: "We must obey God rather than human beings!"

So here we have an example of one exception to the "obey your parents" rule. Lets look at some other verses about what God wants us to do:

Proverbs 22:24-25
Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hot-tempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare for yourself.

Matthew 18
15Moreover if your brother shall trespass against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone: if he shall hear you, you have gained your brother.

16But if he will not hear you, then take with you one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

17And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto you as a heathen man and a tax collector.

This verse is the verse I have been thinking a lot about lately. There is a certain procedure that Jesus Himself gave us to deal with difficult relationships where a person is wronging us. And it is not "if they trespass against you, just put up with it and let them abuse you, because nobodys perfect and we have to love eachother unconditionally, so just look the other way and dont hold them accountable for their behavior". Because thats what Ive been told all my life. No, it says that we 1. Confront them about how they are mistreating us, 2. If they dont listen, we bring other people along to talk to them too, 3. If they still dont listen, we bring them to the church, 4. If they still dont listen, we treat them as if they were unbelievers. If your mom is anything like my dad, she will not listen to anybody. And what does the Bible say about unbelievers?

2 Corinthians 6
14Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? 16What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said:

“I will live with them

and walk among them,

and I will be their God,

and they will be my people.”

17Therefore,

“Come out from them

and be separate,

says the Lord.

Touch no unclean thing,

and I will receive you.”

18And,

“I will be a Father to you,

and you will be my sons and daughters,

says the Lord Almighty.”

Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

Sometimes the only possible way to live at peace with someone is to try our best to avoid them, because they will always find a way to start conflict with us. If being around somebody is causing you to hate them, I would say keep your distance so you can go on loving them.

These are my thoughts lately anyway. Im taking a Christian conflict resolution class, and I will let you know what I learn. I would like to hear your thoughts on these verses.

Wow, and thank you! I'm not sure why some verses get elevated above others! I'm not sure why words like "honor" are interpreted/applied so differently.

I have told my husband that I don't want to become like her and that it frightens me that I might.. just as verse says Proverbs 22:24-25. I'm so sorry that your father couldn't support you in kind, respectful ways -- it sounds like you were really good at jewelry store. Thanks for sharing that.

 

[Gwen-is-new!]

You don't HAVE to do anything, BUT....... when your mother dies, will you feel elated or sad? I reckon you will feel sad, she has ALWAYS been your mother and the only mother you will ever have had, love her or loathe her. However "What you reap, so shall you sew" When YOU get old, who knows what a crabbed old woman you will be? God ALSO says in the commandments - NOTE they are NOT 'suggestions' but 'COMMANDMENTS' Honour your father and mother; and then HE gives a reward for doing so - that your days may be long on the land the Lord your God gives you. When your mum dies, maybe initially you will be relieved that you don't have to visit her any more or have to listen to her again, BUT through time, the bad memories will dissipate and the happier memories will come to the fore, THEN guilt will also come because you DIDN'T do more for her when she was around. The choice is YOURS.

Thanks for your reply. Like I've said, there is nothing I wouldn't do for her -- physical health wise. We actually bought a house big enough for her to live with us some day. When we told her, she said in her mean tone "I will NEVER live with my children".

If I neglected her in her weak, unhealthy, physical pain days, of course I would feel bad. This is not the scenario, and I will do as the bible says and take care of her - get her dressed, tie her shoes, spoon feed her, wipe her butt if I have too - all of that I would do without a doubt. This is not what I am referring to in this thread- We are absolutely not at that stage yet. I am talking about not subjecting myself to a mean women or belittles, berates me and causes me and everyone else around her frustration - who ruins every event with her negative and critical spirit.

As far as memories when she passes - if we go on like this, ALL I will have is bad memories of her bad behavior and mean words playing over and over in my head when she's gone.

 

[FireDragon76]

My parents are only a little younger but they are just getting out of touch with what is healthy behavior. They get cranky and set in their ways, and talk about politics way too much (which stinks because we are so different politically). It's hard for me to be around them, I confessed this to my pastor a few weeks ago. He just said, your duty is to bury your parents beyond that, pray for them.

I'm a bit worried because I'm trying to avoid politics for Lent, but later tonight I have to see them.

 

[MonstersvsMartyrs]

Wow, and thank you! I'm not sure why some verses get elevated above others! I'm not sure why words like "honor" are interpreted/applied so differently.

I have told my husband that I don't want to become like her and that it frightens me that I might.. just as verse says Proverbs 22:24-25. I'm so sorry that your father couldn't support you in kind, respectful ways -- it sounds like you were really good at jewelry store. Thanks for sharing that.

Thank you. I know, I always wonder that myself. For instance, you hear the verse about children obeying parents a lot-but you dont often hear the one directed at fathers:

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Its a very real concern, studies have shown that narcissistic personality disorder is passed down through families-children learn it from their parents. Not everybody copes with difficult parents this way, though. But most people are affected negatively in one way or another. It might be a good idea to see a counsellor or therapist to work out any unresolved issues.

 

[Blade]

I always..TRY to look at everything as "what if it was me". So with my mom I treated her like I would want to be treated. I would want my kids to call do what ever. So I did for years till she went home. No she would not call me.. anyway more to it. One time I confronted her about it.. very nice. She stopped talking to me. No cards nothing. Lasted about a year. So I wrote a letter no name so she would have to open it. She called that time..but said.. never wanted to talk about it. We each see life differently. We know we expect to be treated a certain way.

So I did what made her happy not what I wanted. So I never got what I wanted. Lol... nor did I really want it. A love for her came from Him. Or I would have wrote her off and go on with life. Sad but true. But to give is the ANSWER! Your so much more blessed when you GIVE! Thats what GOD always does. GIVE GIVE GIVE.. we in this world take and its about me me me. So treat her and all how YOU want to be treated. Not for a reward.