Why not just have a one night stand and get it over with?
I waited because I thought I might meet my future wife tomorrow... or next week... or next year. Preferably tying the knot by 25. Well guess what? That didn't happen. I even went for years without meeting single available women, let alone Christian women I shared a mutual attraction with. Maybe I would have better spent that time in bars and clubs. Long term relationships filled with intellectual and spiritual integrity? Apparently fiction. <aybe that really worked in the 'good old days', but I just don't see it around me today.
It appears that I've been duped. I've been a sucker and a fool for believing that right would prevail. Or maybe it did, but I was in the wrong. Now I just want to get on with my life. A little older and a little wiser... perhaps. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Sure I've prayed... but it seems clear that in terms of relationships God only helps those who help themselves. Take an honest look at Christian married couples... seriously. In fact, he rewards the promiscuous with marriages and families while I pine alone under the moonlight. Why should this be so?
Can you believe that there are Christians that had lots of premarital sex and yet are already married? Isn't it astonishing that there are people my age with children? Well, I can't wrap my mind around either without a great deal of difficulty. Apparently each of them is a better human being than I. It feels like I'm where I was at 16, while everybody else has grown up. Despite being decent looking, reasonably smart, a highly romantic person, and trying to do the right thing, I have failed as a man. Perhaps due to negligence on the part of those around me, or more likely due to flaws in my own logic. This is very difficult to admit, and causes an emotional reaction that makes it all the more difficult to express. It drains my soul, and leaves me no choice but to stand beside myself and gawk at the wreckage.
Here I am, nearly 31, and all indicators point to the conclusion that I'm not getting any closer to a relationship. I love women, and I've always been a romantic at heart. While a one night stand isn't much, it's something to hold onto. I would like to make some memories to carry with me into the later years. To sit back and think that, perhaps just once, I was fully human, living out my design. Perhaps worthy of the impression of love, despite being unlovable in reality. My imagination is nearly boundless... I'm sure I can make myself think it was something beyond what it seemed. A wild night in Las Vegas may be just the ticket.
After all, I've never felt all dainty and naive like a "virgin" is supposed to be. I don't want just going on a date to be a big deal anymore. I don't want to keep being nervous that I may come on too strong etc. The self-loathing makes me sick. The lip-service Christian women give also makes me sick... they just go for the more experienced guys anyway. Experience brings confidence. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm tired of carrying the cross of being virgin man with erotic energy (pardon my explicitness) that simply has nowhere to go. In the long run, God will forgive. Goodness knows he made me.
Sure I'll probably contract AIDS from my lone sexual experience and die, or maybe the very next day I'll meet a would-be girlfriend who will leave me because of this action. But without even a pretense of love, life is empty and cold. It may be worth the risk.
So, why not? Can anyone offer a convincing reason why I shouldn't scrap this "male virgin" BS and just get on with my life? It's seriously cramping my style... especially at 30. There were opportunities to lose this burdon in the past... though at the time I thought I was being a strong man for not giving into temptation. Maybe that was a mistake. I have been very blessed with health and life, so maybe I should enjoy it before my hormones fade and/or I become too bitter, self-absorbed and warped by loneliness.
(FYI: Allowing myself to entertain certain possibilities has helped prevent me from making the mistakes in the past. Please do not interpret this post as an emphatic statement that I will definitely have sex before marriage. Also, please pardon the typos and grammatical errors... this is an emotional subject for me, and my proofreading is probably suffering for it.)