Losing my "Virginity"

[4givin]

even though i am very young,
VERY VERY young.
i think it is abbused by the commen teenage use. i think they have sex and loose there virginity now a days, for an act. and just to be cool. i think its good to wait. i plan on waiting untill my marriage. Well i hope so anyways.

 

[savvy24]

u saound like a really cool guy just a lil
bit at a tough point in ur walk with God

Glad to see , u where open to what we had to say on here ...

this is a cool lplace to talk about things

 

[savvy24]

even though i am very young,
VERY VERY young.
i think it is abbused by the commen teenage use. i think they have sex and loose there virginity now a days, for an act. and just to be cool. i think its good to wait. i plan on waiting untill my marriage. Well i hope so anyways.

u can do it jsut make ans keep good boundaries and have guys and peolpe around when ur with a girl u like and make rules for ur self and stick to them

 

[Macrina]

Well, this is the only place where I've shared this facet of my life. Other than my parents (and you all), I don't think anybody else knows... not even my RL friends. It's certainly not something I would bring up on a first, or second, or third date. You're probably right that there are others out there... and I'm thinking that they may be as private about that part of their lives.

Isn't it sad that we live in a society where it is assumed that one will not be a virgin? Isn't it frustrating that doing the right thing has become so rare that we are the ones made to feel like pariahs?

It's nice to hear that there are other late-20s early-30s types out there who have also waited (not that there's anything wrong with those who haven't). Hang in there, and be encouraged that I find it encouraging.

Yes, it is encouraging. I'm with you that it's not that there's anything wrong with dating those who haven't waited -- like I said, I've never had a virgin boyfriend, sad to say -- but it's nice to know that there are others who have faced the same difficult decisions I have and chosen to wait. It makes me think that maybe I'm not such an "old maid" after all.

On that note, there's one thing I'd like to add: It may not be fair to say that guys face a greater challenge in this area. We men are probably less likely to feel coerced into doing something that we otherwise might avoid. There are probably girls out there that aren't virgins, simply because they were pressured into it by their boyfriends. Guys usually do the pursuing, and some women may also feel compelled to have sex with a guy just to keep him from leaving. Additionally, I'd imagine a woman might be more eager to start a family while she's young, and that might manifest itself in stronger urges. If you ask me, it's arguably at least as impressive when a woman has managed to save herself for marriage at our age. (not that we count as 'old' yet)

Ok, that makes sense. I meant that guys face greater challenges in the sense of the "real men have sex" mentality. But yeah, women certainly get more of the "if you love me, you'll do it" lines and related garbage. So we'll call it even, ha ha. Either way, we face social pressures in a big way.

 

[Macrina]

even though i am very young,
VERY VERY young.
i think it is abbused by the commen teenage use. i think they have sex and loose there virginity now a days, for an act. and just to be cool. i think its good to wait. i plan on waiting untill my marriage. Well i hope so anyways.

(emphasis mine)

This is something that you have control over. If you decide now to wait, then you can hold to it. There will come times when you'll want to just "go for it," but if you have made that commitment to yourself, you can hold to it. Don't go in with just the "hope" that you can stay pure... go into it with determination. Know that with God's grace, the choice not to sin sexually is yours. It won't be easy, but it is possible, and it is so, so worth it.

 

[invisiblebabe]

I dunno, I think even if one is forgiven of past sexual experiences, the sexual bond is still there somehow. Isn't that what "one flesh" is all about? At least that's what my friend says, who's had sexual encounters in his past. He regrets it and wishes he would have waited, of course. But anyway, he claims that he can inexplicably "sense" when the one girlfriend he's had sex with is in town, even when they haven't spoken nor seen each other in years. Not to long after the funny feeling he had, he ended up bumping into her since she really was in the area. It's like that bond, no matter how "unstuck" we may think it becomes, is still there somehow.

I can do that with a guy I've never even dated. Just 'cause he can do that too, doesn't mean it's related to having had sex with the person.

 

[chemica]

Isn't it sad that we live in a society where it is assumed that one will not be a virgin? Isn't it frustrating that doing the right thing has become so rare that we are the ones made to feel like pariahs?

Well stated. This really has been the point I have been trying to drive home through this thread.

The hardest part for me has been that society makes you feel you are wasting your life away if you are not having sex. People look at those who try to do the right thing and view them as repressed and unenlightened. I hope we are all able to continue to stay so strong until marriage...don't give up.

 

[joesnow]

I live in hope everyday, I know the Lord is in control of my life by the little markers he leaves me occasionally to remind me of the path.

I'm a 25 y/o vg and feel as though I am into the older half of the single crowd, but I'm not really that old. This hope that I know keeps me going, and I really pray that you, MrKGuy, can experiance that.

Part of the hope thing is that my deep ache for a girl and a family doesn't betray what is planned for me - surely if I am this way and full of compassion for a wife I could be good at it? I also have thought that my girl may be like 4 years younger than me, as is usually the case, an older bloke and younger bird. If that is the case then being a bit older is fine.

All the best to you.

 

[OSUbananaman]

Why not just have a one night stand and get it over with?

I waited because I thought I might meet my future wife tomorrow... or next week... or next year. Preferably tying the knot by 25. Well guess what? That didn't happen. I even went for years without meeting single available women, let alone Christian women I shared a mutual attraction with. Maybe I would have better spent that time in bars and clubs. Long term relationships filled with intellectual and spiritual integrity? Apparently fiction. <aybe that really worked in the 'good old days', but I just don't see it around me today.

It appears that I've been duped. I've been a sucker and a fool for believing that right would prevail. Or maybe it did, but I was in the wrong. Now I just want to get on with my life. A little older and a little wiser... perhaps. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Sure I've prayed... but it seems clear that in terms of relationships God only helps those who help themselves. Take an honest look at Christian married couples... seriously. In fact, he rewards the promiscuous with marriages and families while I pine alone under the moonlight. Why should this be so?

Can you believe that there are Christians that had lots of premarital sex and yet are already married? Isn't it astonishing that there are people my age with children? Well, I can't wrap my mind around either without a great deal of difficulty. Apparently each of them is a better human being than I. It feels like I'm where I was at 16, while everybody else has grown up. Despite being decent looking, reasonably smart, a highly romantic person, and trying to do the right thing, I have failed as a man. Perhaps due to negligence on the part of those around me, or more likely due to flaws in my own logic. This is very difficult to admit, and causes an emotional reaction that makes it all the more difficult to express. It drains my soul, and leaves me no choice but to stand beside myself and gawk at the wreckage.

Here I am, nearly 31, and all indicators point to the conclusion that I'm not getting any closer to a relationship. I love women, and I've always been a romantic at heart. While a one night stand isn't much, it's something to hold onto. I would like to make some memories to carry with me into the later years. To sit back and think that, perhaps just once, I was fully human, living out my design. Perhaps worthy of the impression of love, despite being unlovable in reality. My imagination is nearly boundless... I'm sure I can make myself think it was something beyond what it seemed. A wild night in Las Vegas may be just the ticket.

After all, I've never felt all dainty and naive like a "virgin" is supposed to be. I don't want just going on a date to be a big deal anymore. I don't want to keep being nervous that I may come on too strong etc. The self-loathing makes me sick. The lip-service Christian women give also makes me sick... they just go for the more experienced guys anyway. Experience brings confidence. I'm not getting any younger, and I'm tired of carrying the cross of being virgin man with erotic energy (pardon my explicitness) that simply has nowhere to go. In the long run, God will forgive. Goodness knows he made me.

Sure I'll probably contract AIDS from my lone sexual experience and die, or maybe the very next day I'll meet a would-be girlfriend who will leave me because of this action. But without even a pretense of love, life is empty and cold. It may be worth the risk.

So, why not? Can anyone offer a convincing reason why I shouldn't scrap this "male virgin" BS and just get on with my life? It's seriously cramping my style... especially at 30. There were opportunities to lose this burdon in the past... though at the time I thought I was being a strong man for not giving into temptation. Maybe that was a mistake. I have been very blessed with health and life, so maybe I should enjoy it before my hormones fade and/or I become too bitter, self-absorbed and warped by loneliness.




(FYI: Allowing myself to entertain certain possibilities has helped prevent me from making the mistakes in the past. Please do not interpret this post as an emphatic statement that I will definitely have sex before marriage. Also, please pardon the typos and grammatical errors... this is an emotional subject for me, and my proofreading is probably suffering for it.)

I know i arrived a bit late in this posting. I don't have any advice or beliefs you haven't heard by now in the posts so far. For me, after my 'epiphany' two weeks ago, one of those things in my life i'm not finding happiness is sex. I'm not a virgin but thats a rarity these days, especially with guys. I really respect a guy who's 30 and still a virgin. You have alot more self control than i do. Be proud of it. Sure, being alone isn't any fun, i've been there too. After being with several different girls, sex became routine (yes, i know how bad that sounds, i hate saying it). You go out with a girl a few times then you sleep with her. I guess i thought thats just what was expected. I agree with the others if you've come this far, still the course. You're stronger than any other guy i know right now. Sometimes its hard to be different when everyone around you expects you to always do the norm. Like last night, there's a nice bar near my office and my team usually goes for happy hour after work there. Yesterday was the first time i haven't gone in probably six months. This is a first for me and i'm seeing a change because a new wholesaler just got hired and she is around me age and amazingly attractive. I had just met her and she looked disappointed i wasn't going out with them. I don't know where i'm going with that but just to say to keep the faith. You are alot stronger than 99% of the guys i know. Be proud of yourself.

 

[mina]

I am almost 27 and I know how you feel. I struggle with physical and sexual desire a lot. I am a virgin and it's hard to stay hopeful that God has someone for me when my love life has been almost non existant. And the one person I really really loved and thought I was going to marry is now out of my life so I feel like a loser. I can't offer much advice other than fornication is not pleasing to God in the end. The world's view is a lie. I'm a virgin and I want to marry a virgin ideally- not someone that has experience. I find that quality very attractive in an unmarried man no matter his age. Maybe my opinion doesn't mean much, but I think it's a great thing you are a virgin. It's an incredible and rare quality and your future wife (yes, I do think you will be married, b/c you seem like a good and decent guy) will love you all the more for it. The world's way is never the answer.

 

[knownbeforetime]

Hard for me too... I have 15 niece and nephews and 80% of them were born out of wedlock. Seeing them gets me thinking about how I could just settle for a one-night stand. Part of me thinks that I'm not worthy of a pure, handsome husband and that I should settle for the first guy that shows interest.

But then I realize that I'm a princess. A princess waits for her father, the King, to send for potential suitors to pursue her. The King won't just pick anyone to marry his daughter but he'll find the purest he can find. I'm waiting for my Father to pick my suitor.

That got a little wierd....

Sorry....

 

[JPPT1974]

It can be hard but just put
Your trust in Jesus and let
Him take care of you and only
Focus on Him, then He will lead you
Into doing what is right in Him!

 

[mwb]

The most intimate activity two people can engage in is sex. Everything about it is extremely intimate & personal. If it's not with the right person or rushed into, the relationship is doomed because the feelings that occur as a result of sex will be lost because the rest of the relationship will fall apart.

The amazing thing about our world & the media is that they treat sex as a recreational activity with no feelings. It seems so many of the things that are important & used to have value in society are being beaten down by people with no respect for ideas that represent love & committment & kindness & tolerance for one another.

 

[Fatolia]

Man, I'm only 22, but I can totally relate to how you feel. I'm not gonna get all preachy on you and throw Bible verses at you that contradict what you are feeling. What you are feeling is VALID and does not make you some sort of evil, backslidden Christian.

Maybe you've been a good little Christian all your life, and being nice has made you feel like you've "missed out" on all of the good stuff in life. You're having a "quarter-life crisis," as I call it. I feel you, man. At times, I've felt like ditching this whole niceness carp and buying a Harley.

But maybe I can help give you some new perspective here. I don't believe that you see everything that goes on with these marriages. Sure, since high school everyone around you has been having sex while you've been stuck with yourself, your shower, and your hand--but what goes on behind all that? These "marriages" that these immature people have entangled themselves in are riddled with insecurities and selfishness and fighting. Sure they might have some rocking sex for the first six months, but it's all downhill from there. That's the lure of sin...initial excitement coupled with long term pain...except that people often hide their long-term woes, but brag about their accomplishments, and as a result, all you see is people having rocking sex. If only you knew how much emptiness all of that brings. If only you knew the deep, unspoken scars. That's because it operates outside God's design. When you operate outside of God's design, you're screwed.

You feel lonely, I know, but compare a little bit of the "oh poo" you feel right now to the long term deep hurt you would feel if you go through with what you suggest. You wanna know my solution to weed out those thoughts of the female race? I started a ministry. If you really do focus on God's work, getting laid seems a bit less important.

 

[HoosierCanuck]

But then I realize that I'm a princess. A princess waits for her father, the King, to send for potential suitors to pursue her. The King won't just pick anyone to marry his daughter but he'll find the purest he can find. I'm waiting for my Father to pick my suitor.

That got a little wierd....

Sorry....

Nah, actually I thought it was kind of cool. Never thought of it that way. Of course, the men on here will be asking: do they (Princes) wait for the King to send them Princesses?

I feel the OP's pain as a divorced person. I have the misfortune of knowing what certain things are like and wish I didn't. I don't know what's worse...curiosity of someone who has never been there or having been there and being refused reentry. My experience of marriage itself wasn't pleasant which makes it that much harder for me to not be tempted to 'settle for someone who finds me attractive' just to get the frustration and loneliness out of my system. However, I know it's not that simple. There are risks....pregnancy, disease, among other things that go even deeper. Just going for it is one of the quickest ways people for centuries have screwed their lives.

 

[Echoespeak006]

Hard for me too... I have 15 niece and nephews and 80% of them were born out of wedlock. Seeing them gets me thinking about how I could just settle for a one-night stand. Part of me thinks that I'm not worthy of a pure, handsome husband and that I should settle for the first guy that shows interest.

But then I realize that I'm a princess. A princess waits for her father, the King, to send for potential suitors to pursue her. The King won't just pick anyone to marry his daughter but he'll find the purest he can find. I'm waiting for my Father to pick my suitor.

That got a little wierd....

Sorry....

Very valid point.

 

[FlatpickingJD]

The measure of a man is not whether he has had sex or not. A man is measured by the sum of his life, whether he leaves the world better than he found it.

A man is someone who honors his parents and family, keeps his word, honors his commitments and stands by friends regardless of whether he agrees with the course of their lives or actions.

Virginity should not be a "burden" to be rid of. You have honorable reasons for not having had sex and that, as mwb said, is part and parcel of who you are, what makes you you.

A one night stand won't give you any peace of mind and, honestly, it might make things worse. Trust me on that.

I understand and know your frustration with being unmarried and whether you'll find someone. If you're worried about being in your early 30s and not married, consider this: I'm in my early 40s and not married. You're not alone on that score. You have many avenues available to you to meet women, all of which I know you're aware of, so try to avail yourself of these opportunities.

 

[lunalinda]

Wonderfully put, JD.