Losing Faith

[Giantsbran1227]

I converted to Orthodox Christianity 4 years ago. For the first few years, the church was my life. I was there 3-4 days a week, and heavily involved in all activities/charity work. Even when not at church, I'd be reading Orthodox texts and scripture. It was my entire life and I was on fire for Christ.

Then slowly that fire began to dampen. Right now I feel as if it is almost dead. I no longer know what I believe and question whether or not I still am a Christian and not an atheist. I'm not sure what caused this change in me. Perhaps I got got a bit too heavily into Orthodoxy too quickly, and got burnt out. Whatever it is..... I've become extremely conflicted.

I've been reading alot of science texts lately and quite frankly it seems to answer all the questions I have about the world we live in. Yet with the church, so much is left unanswered and I feel I can't go on any longer with blind faith. I truly want to believe in Christ and the afterlife but the rational side of me gets in the way.

Any advice from someone who has gone through this?

 

[jckstraw72]

well i would certainly suggest that you stop reading these science texts that are tempting you away from faith. even if they seem to explain everything, they certainly can't offer you any kind of fulfillment. sometimes God seems to withdraw from us to give us a time of struggles through which we can grow more - don't waste this opportunity. Continue to pray even when you're not sure or when it feels stale. Continue to go to Church, to fast, etc - you won't find any answers by giving up. And try to find some way of regularly serving others without expecting anything in return.

 

[ArmyMatt]

personally I have not gone through that, although I have had dry spells where the Church seems like a chore and I roll through the motions. it's periods like these where real spiritual growth happens. it's be great if Church was awesome 24/7, but then our faith would be shallow and really superficial. I think the fact that you desire to believe shows that your heart is still Christian.

remember it's okay to not know and ask God why? it's okay to have doubts because that just means that when you get the answer, you will be more galvinized in your faith.

 

[Giantsbran1227]

well i would certainly suggest that you stop reading these science texts that are tempting you away from faith. even if they seem to explain everything, they certainly can't offer you any kind of fulfillment. sometimes God seems to withdraw from us to give us a time of struggles through which we can grow more - don't waste this opportunity. Continue to pray even when you're not sure or when it feels stale. Continue to go to Church, to fast, etc - you won't find any answers by giving up. And try to find some way of regularly serving others without expecting anything in return.

I'm not someone who can have blind faith in something and be content with that. I am very analytical. To dispel science texts simply because they won't make me feel happy is ridiculous. I'd rather be miserable but feel as if I've stayed true to myself, rather than believe in something just for the emotional gratification it may bring me.

 

[ArmyMatt]

I'm not someone who can have blind faith in something and be content with that. I am very analytical. To dispel science texts simply because they won't make me feel happy is ridiculous. I'd rather be miserable but feel as if I've stayed true to myself, rather than believe in something just for the emotional gratification it may bring me.

I don't think jckstraw was saying that. you can be analytical, and no one is saying you should avoid science books because they make you unhappy or don't bring you emotional gratification (which, by the by, are neither of what he said. he said fulfillment, which is very different). he is saying keep from stuff that tempts you away, which I bet is not ALL science stuff you read. I imagine 99% is not the kind of stuff that tempts you, and even for the stuff that is, just go moderate during this trial. it will pass.

 

[jckstraw72]

i didn't mean stop being interested in science, and i didn't mean to never read a science text again, but if there is something that is tempting you to lose faith in God then obviously you need a break from that, to give yourself time to be rejuvenated in your faith. i understand the struggle with wanting something more than blind faith. but our God can and does reveal Himself to people and i would encourage you to humbly ask Him for and to seek for such an experience that would solidify your faith in Him.

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

I converted to Orthodox Christianity 4 years ago. For the first few years, the church was my life. I was there 3-4 days a week, and heavily involved in all activities/charity work. Even when not at church, I'd be reading Orthodox texts and scripture. It was my entire life and I was on fire for Christ.

Then slowly that fire began to dampen. Right now I feel as if it is almost dead. I no longer know what I believe and question whether or not I still am a Christian and not an atheist. I'm not sure what caused this change in me. Perhaps I got got a bit too heavily into Orthodoxy too quickly, and got burnt out. Whatever it is..... I've become extremely conflicted.

I've been reading alot of science texts lately and quite frankly it seems to answer all the questions I have about the world we live in. Yet with the church, so much is left unanswered and I feel I can't go on any longer with blind faith. I truly want to believe in Christ and the afterlife but the rational side of me gets in the way.

Any advice from someone who has gone through this?

I have seen similar things in converts to Orthodoxy as well as Judaism. They want to, at the beginning, to become "super" Orthodox or a "super" Jew. It is new to them and they want to jump in and show they are "true" believers. Yes, they burn out. I have also seen it go the other way. These converts start telling non-converts what is right and wrong and start acting like the religion police. Have you spoken to your Priest about it? What was it at first that drew you to Orthodoxy? What was it that made you first fall in love with Orthodoxy? Is that still there?

 

[Cappadocious]

Are you reading 'science texts' as in peer-reviewed scholarly work?

Anyway, it is normal to stop feeling "infatuation" feelings after having been at church for a while. The infatuation feeling is to get us interested, then when we're interested, we begin work.

 

[E.C.]

I'm recovering from a particularly difficult time where, yes, I did wonder if God does exist and all that.

The thing about science, is that it does explain the world in a very human understanding. It does NOT disprove God's work. "Scientists" who try to do so are not scientists, but rather are people who are angry at, what they see to be, corrupt human-made institutions (like one of my friend's and her view of the Roman Catholic Church). There is a line that separates science and religion and it is foolish, in my opinion, to cross the two.

Anyway, this phase I had of extreme doubt lasted almost two months ago. Without going into too much forum-inappropriate detail, some things happened which basically brought my world to a crash and now I'm going back to church.

A few things have happened. One, I've realized that I need to get my act together, grow up and do things that make me happy. Two, I've realized that I can not function as a human being without the Church. I tried for the last two months and it does not work. I was at my most miserable without the Church. I don't like being miserable. The only difference between two months ago and now was that I wasn't going to church for that two months.
It was effecting my happiness as a human being and all I needed to do was ask myself "what's different?"

 

[rusmeister]

For me, the story of my life is a huge dry spell.
It is those pesky apologists, Lewis and Chesterton, that have shown me the emptiness and deadness of NOT believing. They leave me with no choice. If I stop believing, I go back to square one, page one of "Mere Christianity", so to speak.

In other words, I am left in the position of the apostle Peter when he says "Where can we go, Lord? You have the words of eternal life."

That's what keeps me going in the face of complete dryness. The realization that there is nowhere else to go, that no other philosophy or science could be true, regardless of how I feel.

 

[GregConstantine]

I'm not sure if some of the stuff being said here (as sincerely as they may be, and I'm not trying to disparage that) is very helpful to someone in the OP's position. I've been in a similar place more than once, and quite frankly, some of the stuff "religious" people said to me was not helpful at all. If anything, it made me pull back even more.

To the original poster, if you'd like, feel free to pm me

 

[truthseeker32]

Read philosophy, particularly philosophy of science and philosophy of religion.

 

[Joseph Hazen]

Happens to everyone at times, I expect. For me, I had to come to realization that using God as a means of explaining the universe was an immaturity I had to get over. It is called "God of the Gaps" and it's not the purpose of God.

 

[Jb9]

I converted to Orthodox Christianity 4 years ago. For the first few years, the church was my life. I was there 3-4 days a week, and heavily involved in all activities/charity work. Even when not at church, I'd be reading Orthodox texts and scripture. It was my entire life and I was on fire for Christ. Then slowly that fire began to dampen. Right now I feel as if it is almost dead. I no longer know what I believe and question whether or not I still am a Christian and not an atheist. I'm not sure what caused this change in me. Perhaps I got got a bit too heavily into Orthodoxy too quickly, and got burnt out. Whatever it is..... I've become extremely conflicted. I've been reading alot of science texts lately and quite frankly it seems to answer all the questions I have about the world we live in. Yet with the church, so much is left unanswered and I feel I can't go on any longer with blind faith. I truly want to believe in Christ and the afterlife but the rational side of me gets in the way. Any advice from someone who has gone through this?

Yo I feel ya man. Dang how did I come across someone that's undergoing what I'm in? Bro this wave of doubts came upon me right after I decided to quit smoking pot and all that worldly stuff and strive to love a life for Christ. And man this doubt was suppressing me from believing the truth I was so scared and frustrated that I might lose Christ and to be frank, His salvation. Like at the climax of the deception stage I was in, I even started to doubt His existence. And I prayed in frustration and desperation mixed with fear and a hint of anger at myself. Realized then that the doubt was shot at me by the devil. Boy how did I not think of that. Listen to me man, i don't know what you're going through and it probably is painful spiritually and you're confused, but let me tell you this. God is alive and He is the true Alpha and the Omega. Consider this as a trial dude (James 1) and do not give up. The devil is trying to pull you to hell with all his craftiness of his world. Do Not be deceived yo. Our savior Jesus warned us about deceptive human tradition (read Colossians 2:8). Anything that pulls you astray from Christ is of their father, the devil. And the devil is really good at it. Hang onto the Word of God. Cuz it is the only truth that can save you.

 

[HalupkiMonster]

MANY of us go through this same thing. I notice it's especially intense for people who convert to Orthodoxy before age 20.

I converted at age 14. I was full of zeal, and a bit naive (I was just a kid.)

I went through a phase of a sort of atheism (more Christian agnosticism in retrospect,) even of liberal Christianity and a need to explore my Jewish roots. But I went back.

This is different for everyone, however I think that you need to do what I had to - make your faith a part of your life as an adult. This can be a big task, but one that one needs to do as a convert young adult.

 

[Chesterton]

I'd suggest an experiment: go and sin. Steal something, or promise to help a friend and then break your promise, anything like that. Then consult the science texts to see if they can adequately explain the guilt you feel. I know what they have to say.

Read more science. Get down to the fundamental important stuff - morality, cosmology, free will, art, etc. At bottom, science doesn't have adequate answers. The answers they attempt are always more fantastic than religious answers.

 

[Memento Mori]

I think it's very easy to lose one's faith for non-intellectual reasons. You said you believe your scientific reading is invalidating religious claims, and I will let others address that, but from what you said, the original and more basic cause for your loss of faith was not scientific but spiritual. I will guess that when you couldn't maintain your first zeal, you became lukewarm, you drifted in your practices, your attention turned to other things, etc. Faith can't live in these conditions, and so if I've accurately described you, it's no wonder you're in straits.

None of this is to say that you shouldn't deal with the questions which have recently come up. "Real" doubts should be dealt with to your satisfaction. But I think it is also helpful to remember how this might have come about. Sometimes the reasons to disbelieve come after and not before disbelief.

 

[HalupkiMonster]

I'd suggest an experiment: go and sin. Steal something, or promise to help a friend and then break your promise, anything like that. Then consult the science texts to see if they can adequately explain the guilt you feel. I know what they have to say.

As dangerous as it is, I must second this.

One of the things that was a real stumbling block in my journey was the thought I wanted to believe in that my struggles were part of who I am - mine to indulge in, and why not, if I'm not physically hurting anyone but myself?

I went and indulged. It was the most terrible thing I've ever felt in my entire life. For a while, I was happy and confident in the knowledge that I knew what was good for me and everything. I did horrible things. I forgot God. I knew, in my mind and heart, that he was real, however denying my belief in Him made me feel modern and intellectual (I never, however, lost belief in Christ as God, I just wanted to drop it - it was even more confusing to go through than it is to read.)

Over time, I realized I wasn't Orthodox, but I needed something, so I looked to the Episcopal Church. That place is empty. I was better off with nothing.

Over time, I came to the realization that many here have. There is nothing else. The Orthodox Christian Faith is where it begins and ends. What's more, it is so much a part of who I am that I can not be away from it. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not.

I went through a long and painful process of owning up to my actions and rejoining the Church. There was a little service Father did to restore me to communion, after I had to abstain from receiving Holy Communion for six months.

In retrospect, it was good for me to go through this. Converting as teenagers and practicing our Orthodox Faith is a strange and unique experience. Many times, we're outcast by the "cool kids" because of our faith, and even in our own families. Because of this, we don't really get the chance to engage in certain things, and confront certain parts of ourselves that we would have had we grown up without Orthodoxy.

Like I said, this taught me just how much I need the Church. The Church is all there is for me. She is my family and my support. Without Her, I could not possibly make it through my life. I have nothing else to live for. If my struggles turn into accepted norms that I'm encouraged to embrace and indulge in, why stay alive? Where is the struggle we were put here for, and how on earth would be have any hope for salvation?

Coming to the realization that there's no point to anything in my life without the Church, and the further realization that I don't care if I'm seen as overly zealous or falsely pious, I've made peace with the fact that I am an Orthodox Christian, and try as I might to find it, there is nothing else for me in this world.

 

[rusmeister]

As dangerous as it is, I must second this.

One of the things that was a real stumbling block in my journey was the thought I wanted to believe in that my struggles were part of who I am - mine to indulge in, and why not, if I'm not physically hurting anyone but myself?

I went and indulged. It was the most terrible thing I've ever felt in my entire life. For a while, I was happy and confident in the knowledge that I knew what was good for me and everything. I did horrible things. I forgot God. I knew, in my mind and heart, that he was real, however denying my belief in Him made me feel modern and intellectual (I never, however, lost belief in Christ as God, I just wanted to drop it - it was even more confusing to go through than it is to read.)

Over time, I realized I wasn't Orthodox, but I needed something, so I looked to the Episcopal Church. That place is empty. I was better off with nothing.

Over time, I came to the realization that many here have. There is nothing else. The Orthodox Christian Faith is where it begins and ends. What's more, it is so much a part of who I am that I can not be away from it. I can't pretend to be someone I'm not.

I went through a long and painful process of owning up to my actions and rejoining the Church. There was a little service Father did to restore me to communion, after I had to abstain from receiving Holy Communion for six months.

In retrospect, it was good for me to go through this. Converting as teenagers and practicing our Orthodox Faith is a strange and unique experience. Many times, we're outcast by the "cool kids" because of our faith, and even in our own families. Because of this, we don't really get the chance to engage in certain things, and confront certain parts of ourselves that we would have had we grown up without Orthodoxy.

Like I said, this taught me just how much I need the Church. The Church is all there is for me. She is my family and my support. Without Her, I could not possibly make it through my life. I have nothing else to live for. If my struggles turn into accepted norms that I'm encouraged to embrace and indulge in, why stay alive? Where is the struggle we were put here for, and how on earth would be have any hope for salvation?

Coming to the realization that there's no point to anything in my life without the Church, and the further realization that I don't care if I'm seen as overly zealous or falsely pious, I've made peace with the fact that I am an Orthodox Christian, and try as I might to find it, there is nothing else for me in this world.

I can only say that I wish my nephews and nieces (and my older son, who is twenty) would learn what you have already learned. The sadness and brokenness of "heterosexual" sin and divorce have scourged my birth family, and I would that they realized what you already do.

Each of us here is offering different things to the OP. I say to take anything that helps and leave what doesn't without offense.

All science has a governing philosophy of life, a cosmic philosophy of assumptions that are not themselves scientific. Turning to "science" only means accepting whatever unproved and unprovable worldview the scientists you turn to hold.

 

[snowpumpkin]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm in a similar boat except my struggles are with Orthodoxy itself and not with faith in God in general. I've been Orthodox for five years struggling with it for three. It is a horrible state to be in.

I've come to realize that I wasn't fully prepared to enter the church. I was brought in by two wonderful priests who just happen to not be great cathecists. They are both cradle Greeks, one an immigrant. I feel like I was taught orthodoxy by native speakers and was living their version of the faith. Then along came our American convert priest who learned orthodoxy by the book in seminary and everything just got screwy on me. I was in love with Orthodoxy and went from no confession and taking communion a few times a year like I was taught my Greek immigrant godmother to feeling incredible guilt when the new priest showed up and started going on and on about constant confession and constant communion. It has been a bad three years and I can't honestly say that I would have converted if the current priest was there when I started attending the church. But now that I am inside Orthodoxy officially, I feel stuck.

Anyway, about science. I love it myself and love learning about the natural world. For me though, science had the opposite affect. The more I learn about the human body, or space or anything really, the more I believe in God. For me, the bigger the universe gets, the bigger God gets. It amazes me when non-believing people can look at the world and not see a creator, a designer. I think it takes even more faith to believe that all of this world fell into place just by chance. Believing in a creator is easy.

I don't really know what to tell you except to share my experiences with you. Mother Gavrilia said that God works in two ways, He makes things happen and He allows things to happen. So one of those two things is going on in your life, but either way God is still there. None of us can say how God is currently working in your life right now. Maybe he is allowing you to fall away to bring you back stronger later. Maybe there is a lesson that He wants you to learn elsewhere. Maybe He needs you somewhere else right now. We don't know. All I can suggest is to keep taking to God through it all. It doesn't need to be flowery Orthodox prayers. Just talk to Him like He is your diary inside of your head. Just talk to God and don't give up on Him. He is not giving up on you, even if you can't feel Him anymore.