Loneliness

[servantsheart4God]

I remember a post of yours from the Advice forum about shy, quiet guys.... Have you made any progress what that guy, or is he old news?

oh wow...umm.....didn't even think anyone remembered that silly thread!

but no, no progress, actually it got even worse...

 

[PeculiarTreasure]

I think the feeling of loneliness comes from having to much time to waster, or from getting caught up in monotony. Whichever the case, I believe the solution is the same: pursue your hobbies, interests ,etc. Learn a new skill, do things you've always wanted to do!!! Appreciate every good thing you have done, what you are doing, and your career goals or goals in general.

There's not much room for loneliness when you are living a life full of passion.

This is actually what I'm trying to concentrate on. I'm heading back to school this fall so I'm hoping that will help some. Hopefully when I find a job I'll be able to purusue some of my passions. Thanks for sharing!

 

[PeculiarTreasure]

I ahve lots of freinds at my university. I have no hangout freinds here (I do have some I do something with once a month or so)

yes, I am lonely

I admit, I am uncertain how to make freinds outside of work and university

JM

I know what you mean. I don't have many friends either. I do have one and I thank God for her. Sadly we don't get to see each other much. In fact I haven't seen her all summer due to her job. I think this is one reason I'm so lonely. I have no friends or life for that matter.

 

[Crucifix]

I could be one of those "shy, quiet guys" whom she hasn't met yet! J/K!!

 

[CoachR64]

It's hard to be lonely with so many voices in my head to keep me company.

Coach

 

[Crucifix]

Do you feel that your head is like a merry-go-round inside, Coach?

Singing, with all due respect, have you ever thought about seeing someone professionally for your excessive shyness? For me, it's getting to know what my strengths are and being an attentive listener. I can admit when I don't know something and ask for help, be it from a man or a woman. Each of us has something to give. Possibly you need a lot of encouragement. (I know what NOT having encouragement is like - no fun!!)

I want to emphasize that I'm NOT being disrespectful of you or minimizing your feelings. We need to risk.

 

[CoachR64]

I had a girl that really liked me. She was cute, tall, and athletic. A great combination. But, she was so shy that she would barely talk. She wasn't a risk taker at all. To put it bluntly, she was really boring. I couldn't bring myself to date her because she had the personality of a stump.... Now on the other hand, I have dated girls that didn't have her body or looks, but were funny, interesting to talk to, and willing to live life on the edge. Coming out of your shell can really help meet people. Even if it is just friends.

Coach

 

[PeculiarTreasure]

Do you feel that your head is like a merry-go-round inside, Coach?

Singing, with all due respect, have you ever thought about seeing someone professionally for your excessive shyness? For me, it's getting to know what my strengths are and being an attentive listener. I can admit when I don't know something and ask for help, be it from a man or a woman. Each of us has something to give. Possibly you need a lot of encouragement. (I know what NOT having encouragement is like - no fun!!)

I want to emphasize that I'm NOT being disrespectful of you or minimizing your feelings. We need to risk.

It's quite alright! Actually I've been to counseling before for my depression. It did help a lot. I actually looked into it months ago but it's so expensive.

I'm actually hopefully going to gain some friends soon. My church has homegroups (bible study groups) but they won't be having grouplink (the event where you form groups) until the end of August. So I have quite a while to wait yet.



Thanks to everyone for replying. Lots of good advice given. Keep it coming! I'm so glad this thread got bumped up!

 

[Crucifix]

Singing, you just mentioned a MAJOR issue with which I was unaware - depression. That has a major effect on one's self-esteem and it can seem like it's a deep black hole with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Please keep verbalizing your thoughts and keep positive inner affirmations with positive "I" messages describing your abilities. For example, "I AM trying to work at overcoming my depression."; I AM GOING to try soemthing different."; "I AM GOING to have some fun.", etc.

If there is Rx required for you, please don't forget to take that, either. My brother has to deal with depression, so I can empathize with you. Also, "Depression = Unexpressed anger turned inward." Please look at the anger and resentment issues you might have which haven't been addressed. Those are a few thoughts to think about and hopefully help you. F.Y.I.: I'm NOT a licensed counselor, so I stand to be corrected in many areas. I'm just concerned for you.

 

[IseekTheTruth]

How do you deal with loneliness? Not really from not having a SO (although I've been there) but also from not having any/many friends. It's just something I've been dealing with for awhile.

I think... I with certain people like you and I... loneliness will be something that will pop up repeatedly throughout our lifes. I don't say that to discourage hope, however!

Many people question what paul's "thorn in the flesh" actually was... He asked God to take it away over and over... It was likely a physical ailment, but for me loneliness and depression, which often seem to go hand in hand, are far worse than the physical. I've busted up my body... broken my wrist, sprained my ankles, slammed my shins into metal, but the intense, deep, ongoing longing, that hurtful ache, far transcends the pain of any physical ailment.

These things have plagued me for the majority of my adult life... Loneliness and the consequential depression of that loneliness are my "thorns in the flesh". It is that terrible feeling that almost no one truly cares about you, and that you are somehow incompatible with 99.999% of the population... odds that you are not likely to ever overcome in your lifetime.

I'm here to tell you that the first statement (no one caring) is a complete and utter lie formed by, no doubt, satan himself, and that the incompatibility idea, while it might be somewhat truer for some than others, is not so great that one cannot have meaningful friendships.

What I think it ultimately comes down to is a crisis of faith. I have always been a thinker when it comes to the Bible and things... I KNOW it all to be true, there is no question in my mind that God's word is divinely inspired, and literally true (even if not all is true literally). That transition from the head to the heart is where the crisis happens. I know it, but if I really, truly believed it in my heart, I wouldn't be telling myself lies about odds and improbability... About incompatibility and helplessness... about lack of self worth of whatever other stupid lie satan plants in my head.

Strive to not just know it, but believe it, to overcome the lies of Satan and know that God is a god of promises, a God who keeps his promises, always. Our lives are not up to chance, but rather, in the hands of a righteous God who can divinely intervene in a daily way, if we are faithful.

Read Nehemiah and Daniel for examples of how God uses one's righteousness to mold and change circumstances, and how the righteous are blessed for it.

 

[PeculiarTreasure]

Singing, you just mentioned a MAJOR issue with which I was unaware - depression. That has a major effect on one's self-esteem and it can seem like it's a deep black hole with no light at the end of the tunnel.

Please keep verbalizing your thoughts and keep positive inner affirmations with positive "I" messages describing your abilities. For example, "I AM trying to work at overcoming my depression."; I AM GOING to try soemthing different."; "I AM GOING to have some fun.", etc.

If there is Rx required for you, please don't forget to take that, either. My brother has to deal with depression, so I can empathize with you. Also, "Depression = Unexpressed anger turned inward." Please look at the anger and resentment issues you might have which haven't been addressed. Those are a few thoughts to think about and hopefully help you. F.Y.I.: I'm NOT a licensed counselor, so I stand to be corrected in many areas. I'm just concerned for you.

Thanks for your concern. I was in counseling....I guess it's been 5 yrs ago or there about. I'm actually doing a lot better now than I was then. Still struggle from time to time but it's not nearly as bad.

I think... I with certain people like you and I... loneliness will be something that will pop up repeatedly throughout our lifes. I don't say that to discourage hope, however!

Many people question what paul's "thorn in the flesh" actually was... He asked God to take it away over and over... It was likely a physical ailment, but for me loneliness and depression, which often seem to go hand in hand, are far worse than the physical. I've busted up my body... broken my wrist, sprained my ankles, slammed my shins into metal, but the intense, deep, ongoing longing, that hurtful ache, far transcends the pain of any physical ailment.

These things have plagued me for the majority of my adult life... Loneliness and the consequential depression of that loneliness are my "thorns in the flesh". It is that terrible feeling that almost no one truly cares about you, and that you are somehow incompatible with 99.999% of the population... odds that you are not likely to ever overcome in your lifetime.

I'm here to tell you that the first statement (no one caring) is a complete and utter lie formed by, no doubt, satan himself, and that the incompatibility idea, while it might be somewhat truer for some than others, is not so great that one cannot have meaningful friendships.

What I think it ultimately comes down to is a crisis of faith. I have always been a thinker when it comes to the Bible and things... I KNOW it all to be true, there is no question in my mind that God's word is divinely inspired, and literally true (even if not all is true literally). That transition from the head to the heart is where the crisis happens. I know it, but if I really, truly believed it in my heart, I wouldn't be telling myself lies about odds and improbability... About incompatibility and helplessness... about lack of self worth of whatever other stupid lie satan plants in my head.

Strive to not just know it, but believe it, to overcome the lies of Satan and know that God is a god of promises, a God who keeps his promises, always. Our lives are not up to chance, but rather, in the hands of a righteous God who can divinely intervene in a daily way, if we are faithful.

Read Nehemiah and Daniel for examples of how God uses one's righteousness to mold and change circumstances, and how the righteous are blessed for it.

Thanks for this. A lot of what you said hold true for myself too. God bless you!

 

[IseekTheTruth]

You are most welcome. May God bless and uplift you.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Funny this topic came out of the closet again. Resent events have provoked this area of study. Thanks to a good sister here. This is a working theory, so do not take it as law.

I talked to a good sister here and I noticed a pattern in other sisters I talked to. Like this hunger for attention and desire for intimacy. I conciously didn't mean to think like this, and stopped it. I been dealing with this problem for so long that I just didn't label it as a problem like other dysfunctions I came across.

I started google around and I believe I never did conquor loneliness. I only conquore desparate loneliness. Many of the bahaviors that were normal place and bit selfish are accually the syntoms. I think what really got my attention was "Emotions turned inward.".

We all know from past relationships with true love, that when break up that emotional pain can not be suppressed. It builds up and explodes. I didn't really take into consideration of the daily emotions. I starve myself from expressing emotions to others that slowly it gnawls at me or effect my judgement on unconscious level. I believe the void I feel from time to time is the lack of expressing myself to others.

Later I dropped off a file for another floor and walked back. Coworkers I walked by, I said "Hi!". I noticed that I built an invisible wall between my coworkers and myself. I found one coworker that the wall was not totally up but enough that I couldn't express myself without intrest from others.

I think that wall is the dysfunctional thinking or judgement on others that they can not relate to my struggles/problems. As such I don't let myself be who I am at all really unless they express intrest and even then I am caucious.

I am in trials of bringing down the barrier and being myself to anyone. To say what I want to say and do what I want to do.

lol in short, to overcome loneliness is to not be shy.

Part of my ADD studies on efficiency, I found some identifiers that made sense. "Doing it right" vs "Getting it done". I can see how this mentality can play out in loneliness. Person concludes another person can not relate or care about their problems then don't express their emotions other than a "Mask"l. While person who just wants to talk and do not judge fullfill their needs to be themselves. Now person who "Getting it done" may not get complete and utter fullfillment, but does get some relief. While "Doing it Right" person gets no relief and may be too overbearing when someone can relate.

 

[Sindyan]

I read this last night, but I wanted to think about what to say...I was thinking about it during work..but everyone pretty much said everything that really needs to be said.

I understand how almost painful shyness can be at times. It almost hurts to be around people, yet you want to be around them. What has helped me is just saying to myself "I have something to offer", and just doing what I can. What has helped me to overcome shyness is to go talk to other shy people. Since your both shy you understand each other. With one of my friends now, I'm yelling at him "Sexy Beast" across my college campus (Don't worry, i'm not gay long story...) Before...i would never do that...but I can and just laugh at it.

For so long I was alone, and by myself...and i forget how to hang out with people, and have conversations. I'm slowly overcoming it...by hanging out with people, and slowing relaxing. It takes a lot of time, pain, and work...but it's worth it. This summer I finally have come to a time in my life...that i'm overall very joyfully and happy. It's not linked to having a love in my life, which I don't, but because friends care about me, and take care of me.

Oh yeah, i read that your going back to school. Great idea! I joined a Frat...an anti-hazing one...and that has helped me the most. If you are attending a college that has Sorority..find yourself a good Christian one. Also...not all of us are the crazy lets get drunk, and make pledges do dangerous stuff. For some it's brotherhood, and the change to laugh at each other.



God bless you,
Anthony

Just keep fighting..

 

[Crucifix]

"Work", I can relate to what you say. For me, I found that if a person was willing to listen nonjudmentally and allow me to express my emotions by showing me how they expressed their concerns to me (one on one), this has helped me come out of my shell. I still have a long way to go, but when I saw the secretary risk to share some of her story with me or even religious topics (we're both Catholic, so it was easier), the expression of our ideas has helped us out. I've seen policemen mention to me the hurt they have felt in different situations not related to their work and in turn my expression of hurt in a similar area in common has helped.

While I'm not allowed to work, the volunteer work I do is far more therapeutic than wondering if I'm doing "the right thing" or feeling constantly lonely. As I post this now, I'm wondering if "Singing" has ever thought of doing some volunteer work to fill the empty void she feels. There's a lot of truth in the saying that, "in giving of yourself, you receive more than you ever expected." This is a powerful esteem builder for me.

Just my humble opinion on it.

 

[Sindyan]

I think Crucifix has a great idea. When I used to coach Special Olympics... can't because of stupid college, and nursing school....I felt so much more filled and love. Blah...i miss my guys and gals.

-Anthony

 

[Crucifix]

Sindyan, if my exposure to Nursing School is any indicator, they will want you to get involved in some other extra-curricular activity. I had "blown my profs away" when it came to this aspect. I was ultimately teaching them in an area where they would NORMALLY do the teaching b/c it was related to a medical problem about which I am able to speak from first-hand experience. I won't go into any further detail.

 

[servantsheart4God]

wow, i do agree w/ syndyan & crucifix, but just alot of what ALL of us are expressing is really great and helpful stuff for me, and i wasn't even the one that started this thing!

In any case, i feel that we are all on the right track and that's very encouraging. I know that i can look to my cf peers to help me and uplift my spirit .

You all sound like really great individuals that have a healthy idea about being or feeling lonely and know how to combat it. God says in His Word "My people perish for lack of knowledge". Now We just need the courage & faith, huh? But you guys are great. Please keep posting and encouraging eachother, this stuff is really useful for me.

I can comment and respond on just about everyone that has since posted in here, but that would take me forever in a lifetime, but just know that all of you have been a real blessing to me and i'm sure to Singing4MyLord.

Great job guys putting yourselves out there .

As always, God bless & His best to you all.

In His Service,
sh4G

 

[Sindyan]

Aye, I agree completely. The special ed population will be kind of my "speciality" when it comes to nursing school. I have worked in recreation, coaching, and also in group homes. So I don't have the "ahhh all of them are perfect angels" view of them, nor I am terrified of them like so many people are when I take my clients into the public. I'm so used them....nothing weirds me out anymore.

Hopefully, if I can get my clinicals on Mondays that will leave me open tuesdays to coach basketball. I just have fraternity stuff, my bible study, etc and I just have to juggle everything with nursing school becoming my main focus these next two years.

 

[Crucifix]

SH4G, what has just happened as you described in your post is what I said to another CF member about a different topic: "We never know when what we have posted will be of benefit to others, known only by God."

Thanks for the affirmation and please take some time to put your thoughts into words about what you have read. Your opinion counts too!

Sindyan, leave it in God's hands and ask for our continued prayers and support for this. I also wouldn't hesitate to ask if any of the members are nurses who might be able to help your out with the academics OR clinicals! I did and it was a very growing, positive time for me.