Loneliness is a chink in my armor

[bèlla]

I've never had any kind of feeling or impression or guidance that I should start a ministry, or start walking and soulwinning door to door, in fact when I've wanted to do something like that I've been afflicted to where I can't walk or go anywhere physically. So because the great commission is doing those things, and I lack the talents and resources and gifts to do them I think "what use am I? what am I supposed to do?" and the only answers that come are watching and waiting.

Jamdoc,

It isn't necessary for everyone to start a ministry or canvas door to door. Your availability opens a window for service that isn't a possibility for others. Computer access enables you to provide correspondence to missionaries and prison ministries. You could offer customer service and intercession or assist with simple tasks. Or work for a Christian entrepreneur and earn a salary. Remote employment is commonplace.

While I mention my purpose I rarely discuss the early days when I received my calling. I wasn't asked to do something I excelled at or had a natural ability to perform. I couldn't sketch or sew. My exposure to the industry was limited to a high school fashion design course (that I switched out of to go healthcare) and what I learned from watching fashion shows and magazines.

I could have launched a personal finance or food blog without a second thought. I know the subjects well. But that wasn't the task. I started at the bottom.

I had to learn:

• How to run a business
• Manage a website
• How to blog
• Marketing and social media
• Photography
• Copywriting
• How to use graphic software
• How to create digital products

We haven't touched the topic yet and the education wasn't free. I bled money left and right and didn't have an income. I wasn't traveling or doing the things others my age were focusing on. Every birthday and Christmas gift I received was for the business. I didn't ask for anything for myself. All my time and resources were handed to God.

My life may sound exciting because I'm heading overseas for school. But the UK requires the cost of attendance and living expenses (defined amount) upfront to receive a visa. There's no payment plan. That's $45K plus the move and rent. I don't have a husband and I'm not raising funds. By the time I've finished I've purchased a house.

But I trust Him. It's a small price to pay for all He's done. I used to be sick and on medication that left me listless and unable to work. It was really depressing. One day I was fine and the next my body broke. They couldn't find the problem for 3 years. Ten milligrams of pain relief is nothing when you're hurting.

I suffered a lot and there were days I wanted to quit. I felt useless. My identity was deeply woven with work and success. Losing that was painful. But I discovered other talents in the process. While I was sick, I spent my time helping others. I'd listen to their problems and encourage and counsel them from my bed. Over time I started mentoring too.

My turning point was inspired by a book Barbara Corcoran wrote called, Use What You've Got. She wasn't the prettiest or brightest. But that didn't prevent her from dominating New York's real estate market. She had everything working against her.

I realized sometimes you have to be your own cheerleader. There are moments when you're the only one who believes in possibilities the naked eye can't conceive. I didn't know at the time I'd be a living testimony. I wasn't aware my transformation would minister to friends and loved ones. But God did.

My secret sauce is giving. I pour into others while waiting for the Lord to fulfill my prayers. I'm paying it forward and sharing what I've learned to smooth the path for someone else. It minimizes the opportunity to dwell on problems. I'm busy serving Him and have little time for brooding or depression.

So use what you've got. Stop focusing on the lack. You may find your rightful place by doing so.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

where'd you get the resources? I don't have much to work with, much less give. I became disabled within a year after graduating from college. So I hadn't had any time to establish a career, and I'm swamped in student loans, but because my disability is a 3 year evaluation, rather than a 5 year evaluation, I can't get loan forgiveness.
and I haven't found any sort of calling or gift to use.
I thought I knew what my calling was but God told me in the a profound and life shattering way "nope, not that". So now I don't know at all.. and ask.. and nothing comes to mind.
except waiting.
I'm afraid to take anything into my own hands.

 

[bèlla]

where'd you get the resources?

Jamdoc,

I worked in a lucrative field and my boss dated someone who retired early. She planted a seed in my mind. I didn't have financial encumbrances like a mortgage, car note, etc. Walking away was easier.

I don't have much to work with, much less give. I became disabled within a year after graduating from college. So I hadn't had any time to establish a career, and I'm swamped in student loans, but because my disability is a 3 year evaluation, rather than a 5 year evaluation, I can't get loan forgiveness.

If you're in a period of waiting communion should be your focus. Prayer and fasting are ideal during that season. You deepen your relationship with Him. The absence of forgiveness may be God's doing because you won't need it.

and I haven't found any sort of calling or gift to use.
I thought I knew what my calling was but God told me in the a profound and life shattering way "nope, not that". So now I don't know at all.. and ask.. and nothing comes to mind. except waiting.
I'm afraid to take anything into my own hands.

Did you keep asking? Or inquire what you should focus on now?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

I worked in a lucrative field and my boss dated someone who retired early. She planted a seed in my mind. I didn't have financial encumbrances like a mortgage, car note, etc. Walking away was easier.



If you're in a period of waiting communion should be your focus. Prayer and fasting are ideal during that season. You deepen your relationship with Him. The absence of forgiveness may be God's doing because you won't need it.



Did you keep asking? Or inquire what you should focus on now?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

There are 2 things that I ask for every day. Healing, and guidance on what to do. I also ask for guidance in where to go in the bible. That I seem to get answered in. But for what to actually do.. nothing comes to mind.

 

[bèlla]

There are 2 things that I ask for every day. Healing, and guidance on what to do. I also ask for guidance in where to go in the bible. That I seem to get answered in. But for what to actually do.. nothing comes to mind.

Jamdoc,

Both questions are related to you. Ask Him how you can be a blessing to others during your season of waiting. Pray about the violence and upheaval we're experiencing in the country. There's so many problems you could fill a pray chart for a month or more!

What are your hobbies and interests?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

Both questions are related to you. Ask Him how you can be a blessing to others during your season of waiting. Pray about the violence and upheaval we're experiencing in the country. There's so many problems you could fill a pray chart for a month or more!

What are your hobbies and interests?

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

I don't even know my hobbies and interests anymore, my activities are really limited, things I used to like to do I can't do anymore and most the things I still can do are just vanity.

 

[bèlla]

I don't even know my hobbies and interests anymore, my activities are really limited, things I used to like to do I can't do anymore and most the things I still can do are just vanity.

Jamdoc,

Do you suffer from clinical depression or is your lowness the result of your circumstances?

How do you spend your day?

In John 5:5 Jesus encounters an invalid who spent 38 years in that condition. He asked him a question. Few would do the same. They would assume the answer is such and such based on human logic. Not divine input.

But the Spirit of Wisdom resided within Christ and He addressed the problem. He asked the man, “Do you want to get well?”

Because well is more than physical healing. You can have a healthy body and a broken mind, a broken heart, and a broken spirit. But when you’re made well everything is put in order.

The man’s answer is telling. It gets to the heart of the problem. He didn’t say he wanted to be well or ask for healing. He recounted his dilemma.

He was so immersed in the problem he didn’t realize he was talking to the Problem Solver.

Jesus never touched him. He didn’t say your faith has made you whole. There’s no mention of his character until later on.

He told him to pick up his mat and walk. To the naked eye the malady seemed physical. But the real sickness was inside of him.

At some point we reach the fork in the road and must consider the same. Do we want to get well? Or is our sickness feeding something that encourages us to stay put.

We remain in the muck and mire and continue behaviors that are detrimental to our welfare. We ignore the still small voice beckoning us come out; you’ve dwelt there long enough. We grow comfortable with our captivity and languish as the years pass.

When we run out of excuses we’ll walk into our blessing.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[Jamdoc]

Jamdoc,

Do you suffer from clinical depression or is your lowness the result of your circumstances?

How do you spend your day?

In John 5:5 Jesus encounters an invalid who spent 38 years in that condition. He asked him a question. Few would do the same. They would assume the answer is such and such based on human logic. Not divine input.

But the Spirit of Wisdom resided within Christ and He addressed the problem. He asked the man, “Do you want to get well?”

Because well is more than physical healing. You can have a healthy body and a broken mind, a broken heart, and a broken spirit. But when you’re made well everything is put in order.

The man’s answer is telling. It gets to the heart of the problem. He didn’t say he wanted to be well or ask for healing. He recounted his dilemma.

He was so immersed in the problem he didn’t realize he was talking to the Problem Solver.

Jesus never touched him. He didn’t say your faith has made you whole. There’s no mention of his character until later on.

He told him to pick up his mat and walk. To the naked eye the malady seemed physical. But the real sickness was inside of him.

At some point we reach the fork in the road and must consider the same. Do we want to get well? Or is our sickness feeding something that encourages us to stay put.

We remain in the muck and mire and continue behaviors that are detrimental to our welfare. We ignore the still small voice beckoning us come out; you’ve dwelt there long enough. We grow comfortable with our captivity and languish as the years pass.

When we run out of excuses we’ll walk into our blessing.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

It's a result of circumstances, physical disabilities, pain. The loneliness and depression result from a combination of that, and the limits to the physical activities I can do, being unable to be employed. I'd be fine mentally if I could get up and get out, be around people, work, feel like I'm doing something, exercise, go out in nature, all those things. But when it's a physical struggle and sometimes very painful struggle to get from one room to another, and I just spend most of my days in a chair, on the internet, playing games, watching movies or tv, and reading, wanting to do more but being unable to, that drives it all.

I think hey, maybe I'll take some of the vain, escapist entertainment out of my life.. okay, did that.. now.. I can't find enough things to do just to occupy the time much less anything productive.

as for John 5:5 I don't think that man had a "it's all in your head" problem the way you do. The answer he seemed to give to Jesus to me was "I want to, but I'm unable to, I need help, but nobody will help me"

 

[bèlla]

Jamdoc,

I didn’t say it was all in his head. I said the problem lay inside of him.

“Afterward Jesus found him in the temple and said to him, “See, you are well! Sin no more, that nothing worse may happen to you.”

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[GospelS]

Presently being lonely all the time (between the virus (and being of a vulnerable population to it) and being disabled, being able to fellowship at all is excessively hard). Is a vulnerability that Satan likes to prey on me with, and while I can easily deny myself temporarily, his absolute favorite tool in his arsenal is Matthew 22:30 and the promise that I'll always have that loneliness forever.
He just stabs me with it over and over and I always bleed.
How can a verse of the word of God be like poison to me?!
But that's the way it gets used. It makes me depressed, it makes me get bored and tired of everything and lose interest in everything, which makes me susceptible to a host of sins. Coveting. seeking worldly distractions, being easily led into pornography, lust, overusing mmj to get high, if I had alcohol I'd probably be using that too, things I don't want but when I'm in that hole and I'm bleeding, I reach for anything, anything that will take my mind off of that wound and that sharp verse that gets stabbed into me just mercilessly. I reach for God first but the attacks keep coming, until I reach for a sin, then the attacks stop while I have to deal with the guilt that I brought on myself.
It's a test I fail over and over and I don't know how I can fix that weak spot. No amount of prayer or reading the bible has worked, because it's a bible verse that's being weaponized against me in the first place. "You want that? well too bad, Jesus says you'll never have it"

I try to convince myself maybe the verse doesn't mean what it says. That's what I want to believe, but other christians, pastors, people here, all affirm it means what it says, which lets it remain a weapon against me. It makes me wish I'd skipped those chapters of the synoptic gospels but I know that that is wrong too, because I should love the truth, even a painful truth. It can't be good that it can just be used as an onramp to bring me low by Satan.

Attraction, marriage, and reproduction have a greater meaning and expression in a spiritual context. It not male male for those who are males, and female male for those that are females. That would be a bias. Pray that God will give you insight into that. And tell Satan that Jesus said people neither marry nor are given in marriage but He did not say there won't be any intimacy and procreation. A father fathers and desires to create more children.

 

[Jamdoc]

Attraction, marriage, and reproduction have a greater meaning and expression in a spiritual context. It not male male for those who are males, and female male for those that are females. That would be a bias. Pray that God will give you insight into that. And tell Satan that Jesus said people neither marry nor are given in marriage but He did not say there won't be any intimacy and procreation. A father fathers and desires to create more children.

Marriage is the only relationship where that level of intimacy, and procreation, are blessed. All other forms are sin.

 

[Tone]

No, I don't deserve a wife, especially not in my current state

Abba Yah please Breathe Your Holy Breath mightily into this brother's life and raise him up to have the desires of his heart, in Yahshua ha Mashiach. Amen.

 

[GospelS]

Marriage is the only relationship where that level of intimacy, and procreation, are blessed. All other forms are sin.

Yes. That’s how it ought to be in a fallen world, as for humans are concerned.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

Loneliness isn't a chink in your armour. If Jesus was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief then you're in good company.

 

[Jamdoc]

Loneliness isn't a chink in your armour. If Jesus was despised and rejected by men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief then you're in good company.

it's a chink in my armor because it makes me more vulnerable to sin was what I meant. It's a place to tempt me through

 

[Jamdoc]

and it really is not helping now that I'm officially the target of what seems like every joke in the world. The 40 year old virgin. The pathetic excuse of a man.

 

[GospelS]

@Jamdoc

They joked about Jesus too. Humiliated and mocked. They dressed Him in a scarlet robe. They placed a crown of thorns on his head. They put a staff in his hand, then struck him with it. They jeered at Jesus, saying “Hail, King of the Jews.” They parted his garments and cast lots.

Their jokes made a joke of themselves. Don't listen to the enemy. Don't speak yourself into their lies.

 

[Jamdoc]

@Jamdoc

They joked about Jesus too. Humiliated and mocked. They dressed Him in a scarlet robe. They placed a crown of thorns on his head. They put a staff in his hand, then struck him with it. They jeered at Jesus, saying “Hail, King of the Jews.” They parted his garments and cast lots.

Their jokes made a joke of themselves. Don't listen to the enemy. Don't speak yourself into their lies.

Yeah but it also in a way feels like the butt of a joke in heaven too. You know what the "reward" for eunuchs is in heaven according to Isaiah 56? A monument and a name. Your virginity is immortalized, the last thing you want to be known for is the source of your name that everyone will know you by, and you'll have a monument that is a big sign. It's something that, I'm ashamed of, that I'm not proud of, that I don't want people to know about me, and the only reason I even mention it here is because nobody here personally knows me. I never bring it up in person, I just let people assume that I'm not.
It's like twilight zone. one of the most embarrassing things in your life is given a highlighter by the Almighty Himself so that EVERYONE will know and EVERYONE can make a judgement about you just knowing that about you as one of the first and maybe only things they know about you.

You know what it tempts me to do? To go to a prostitute, to get rid of that so that at least it won't be this first thing that people will know about me.
But I know that'll end up being worse for me, God would make sure that chastisement would be extra bad in some way. So I won't.
But it still makes me very ashamed. It's one thing to know myself, and be ashamed in myself, it's another thing entirely to know that one day, EVERYONE will know, and I'll even have a name attached to it, a big fat "LOSER" sign to make that humiliation public.

 

[GospelS]

@Jamdoc

You are not a eunuch. You don't want to be one. Eunuchs choose celibacy over marriage. They struggle but offer themselves cheerfully. They see the gift in it to be greater. You are not seeing that. You are suffering in your giving. It is you who is humiliating eunuchs or thinking that's what they are getting. That is not what Jesus got in heaven. He got His name written over all creation. That's the monument on the wall of God's house. Everyone knows His name. He is glorified above all. You are saying it's a shame, it's a loss, it's a joke. I don't see how that is. People thought so and took Him for a joke. They did not know what they were saying.

I know it's painful. But it's not wasted. It won't last. Soon you master the sin that is crouching at the door. If marriage is what you want then seek it in truth and in spirit. It is better to die seeking and believing than never seeking and believing. No one is unlovable. He will join us all together and unto Himself. In one marriage is all creation married at once. It's a greater intimacy that will bring forth much life than you can ever imagine.

 

[( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)]

it's a chink in my armor because it makes me more vulnerable to sin was what I meant. It's a place to tempt me through

You don't understand the fellowship of Christ's sufferings. If you did you wouldn't be talking as if loneliness is such a drag.