Loneliness is a chink in my armor

[Jamdoc]

You don't understand the fellowship of Christ's sufferings. If you did you wouldn't be talking as if loneliness is such a drag.

Yeah I don't understand how loneliness is a positive at all, not when it causes suffering, boredom, and leads me to sin.
1 Corinthians 7:9
That's what Paul is referring to, that some people who have those desires and cannot control them, it's better for them to marry than to be lonely with that desire and burn in passion which leads to sin.

 

[Jamdoc]

@Jamdoc

You are not a eunuch. You don't want to be one. Eunuchs choose celibacy over marriage. They struggle but offer themselves cheerfully. They see the gift in it to be greater. You are not seeing that. You are suffering in your giving. It is you who is humiliating eunuchs or thinking that's what they are getting. That is not what Jesus got in heaven. He got His name written over all creation. That's the monument on the wall of God's house. Everyone knows His name. He is glorified above all. You are saying it's a shame, it's a loss, it's a joke. I don't see how that is. People thought so and took Him for a joke. They did not know what they were saying.

I know it's painful. But it's not wasted. It won't last. Soon you master the sin that is crouching at the door. If marriage is what you want then seek it in truth and in spirit. It is better to die seeking and believing than never seeking and believing. No one is unlovable. He will join us all together and unto Himself. In one marriage is all creation married at once. It's a greater intimacy that will bring forth much life than you can ever imagine.

Not all Eunuchs chose it. The ones that God was addressing in Isaiah had been made Eunuchs by the Babylonians and they suffered because they thought of themselves as "a dry tree" They wanted sons and daughters but couldn't because of their situation, they'd been castrated.

 

[GospelS]

Not all Eunuchs chose it. The ones that God was addressing in Isaiah had been made Eunuchs by the Babylonians and they suffered because they thought of themselves as "a dry tree" They wanted sons and daughters but couldn't because of their situation, they'd been castrated.

@Jamdoc I pray and hope that you are doing better.

Do you believe that God would love you the same if you were the only believer? Do you believe that His love is personal for each believer? Do you believe that nothing can come between God's love and you?

 

[Jamdoc]

@Jamdoc I pray and hope that you are doing better.

Do you believe that God would love you the same if you were the only believer? Do you believe that His love is personal for each believer? Do you believe that nothing can come between God's love and you?

Good things can come, just not everything I've ever wanted.
God's sovereign, He makes the decisions, not me, and He's not obligated to make me happy. I'm obligated to serve Him.

and yes, I do.
and one of the reasons why is because I believe God Himself can be lonely. I can empathize with lonely, we can both empathize with being lonely, and that is a connection. Our emotions like the rest of us, are in the image of God, and we know that God can be angry, God can laugh, and as Jesus, God was a man of sorrows.
Here Jesus was, walking on earth, surrounded by followers, but nobody really knew Him. Nobody was like Him. Not even His closest disciples could truly understand Him, they constantly misunderstood His parables and the things He said to them. I believe God is truly the loneliest being to ever exist, even when being a trinity.
That is why all of this, that is why there is redemptive history in the first place, that is why we wre being reconciled to Him. So that we can truly know and understand Him, and be a family for Him, and like 1 man can find that companionship and a person that understands them and loves them in a single person, their spouse, a single believer could, after the restoration of all things, know and understand God the way He wants to be known and understood, as He knows and understands us.

1 Corinthians 13:12

12 For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.

So if I was the only believer, Jesus would still have died for me, because I'd be the only person to understand Him in that case. I'd die for someone if I thought they truly understood me and loved me, knowing I'd see them again, sure. and I'd rather die and cease existing if the alternative was just being alone forever.
So I don't understand everything, but I do understand that.
Still doesn't make me personally Jesus' wife though.

 

[GospelS]

Good things can come, just not everything I've ever wanted.
God's sovereign, He makes the decisions, not me, and He's not obligated to make me happy. I'm obligated to serve Him.

and yes, I do.
and one of the reasons why is because I believe God Himself can be lonely. I can empathize with lonely, we can both empathize with being lonely, and that is a connection. Our emotions like the rest of us, are in the image of God, and we know that God can be angry, God can laugh, and as Jesus, God was a man of sorrows.
Here Jesus was, walking on earth, surrounded by followers, but nobody really knew Him. Nobody was like Him. Not even His closest disciples could truly understand Him, they constantly misunderstood His parables and the things He said to them. I believe God is truly the loneliest being to ever exist, even when being a trinity.
That is why all of this, that is why there is redemptive history in the first place, that is why we wre being reconciled to Him. So that we can truly know and understand Him, and be a family for Him, and like 1 man can find that companionship and a person that understands them and loves them in a single person, their spouse, a single believer could, after the restoration of all things, know and understand God the way He wants to be known and understood, as He knows and understands us.

1 Corinthians 13:12


So if I was the only believer, Jesus would still have died for me, because I'd be the only person to understand Him in that case. I'd die for someone if I thought they truly understood me and loved me, knowing I'd see them again, sure. and I'd rather die and cease existing if the alternative was just being alone forever.
So I don't understand everything, but I do understand that.
Still doesn't make me personally Jesus' wife though.

Thanks for sharing.

Do you believe that God calls you His temple/church, that your body is His dwelling place and He lives in you and with you when you give yourself to Him?

Do you believe that God loves you through people? Meaning, when someone loves you, it is God loving you through that person. And when someone hurts/harms you, it is the enemy/devil trying to hate you through that person.

Do you believe God lives in you and loves others through you? Meaning, when you love someone you are also loving God in that person since that person is in the image of God.

 

[Eftsoon]

Presently being lonely all the time (between the virus (and being of a vulnerable population to it) and being disabled, being able to fellowship at all is excessively hard). Is a vulnerability that Satan likes to prey on me with, and while I can easily deny myself temporarily, his absolute favorite tool in his arsenal is Matthew 22:30 and the promise that I'll always have that loneliness forever.
He just stabs me with it over and over and I always bleed.
How can a verse of the word of God be like poison to me?!
But that's the way it gets used. It makes me depressed, it makes me get bored and tired of everything and lose interest in everything, which makes me susceptible to a host of sins. Coveting. seeking worldly distractions, being easily led into pornography, lust, overusing mmj to get high, if I had alcohol I'd probably be using that too, things I don't want but when I'm in that hole and I'm bleeding, I reach for anything, anything that will take my mind off of that wound and that sharp verse that gets stabbed into me just mercilessly. I reach for God first but the attacks keep coming, until I reach for a sin, then the attacks stop while I have to deal with the guilt that I brought on myself.
It's a test I fail over and over and I don't know how I can fix that weak spot. No amount of prayer or reading the bible has worked, because it's a bible verse that's being weaponized against me in the first place. "You want that? well too bad, Jesus says you'll never have it"

I try to convince myself maybe the verse doesn't mean what it says. That's what I want to believe, but other christians, pastors, people here, all affirm it means what it says, which lets it remain a weapon against me. It makes me wish I'd skipped those chapters of the synoptic gospels but I know that that is wrong too, because I should love the truth, even a painful truth. It can't be good that it can just be used as an onramp to bring me low by Satan.

It isn't a weapon my friend. Look at it differently. Marriage and the whole business of loving here on earth is a shadow of all that we'll experience in heaven. That verse points to that reality. In Heaven there won't be any need for those things because we'll have the genuine article.
Romantic love is absolutely awesome, sure, but the fellowship and unity in heaven is on a different level.
You can marry and fall in love - remember that Song of songs is at the heart of the bible! Just remember that it's a prelude for the real thing. That doesn't detract from its sweetness - it's supposed to add to it.

 

[Jamdoc]

Thanks for sharing.

Do you believe that God calls you His temple/church, that your body is His dwelling place and He lives in you and with you when you give yourself to Him?

Do you believe that God loves you through people? Meaning, when someone loves you, it is God loving you through that person. And when someone hurts/harms you, it is the enemy/devil trying to hate you through that person.

Do you believe God lives in you and loves others through you? Meaning, when you love someone you are also loving God in that person since that person is in the image of God.

To the first question yes, otherwise I wouldn't even be able to talk to Him.
to the second question, I don't view it that way, not directly. I think that we reflect His love but it's not like we're possessed and our will is taken out of the picture. I think we love others because He loves us. But loving someone else is ultimately a choice that we make, without being able to make the choice on our own we cannot love. That's another reason for all of this that has happened, because without the free will to choose, nobody can truly love God. Sure you can make basically robots programmed to love you, you can make them do nothing but worship you and sing praises to you on end, and they can never get bored of it.... but what's the real point? They're programmed that way, they're just executing a program and doing a purpose. So to truly love, they have to have free will, and they have to be able to choose to hate you if they want, and choose to love you instead.
and it goes even further than that. Some forms of love are obligated. Like family. It's a strong love, a secure love, you know they'll never stop loving you, but it's a narrow love. They're obligated to love you because you're related to them. Brothers and sisters in Christ as well, we're obligated to love each other, it's a secure love, but it's a narrow love that hinges on one thing: that we both love Jesus. We don't even really know each other, outside of the fact that you love Jesus and I love Jesus, could we truly say that we love each other? Probably not.
In philia, friendly love, it's freely chosen, there's no obligation, so you love your friends because you enjoy spending time with them specifically, and because of things about them, however, it's not a secure love, friends stop loving each other over rather fickle changes.
Romantic love, is also freely chosen, there's no obligation to love until the covenant is established at marriage. So it is (at least should be, if divorce is not an option) both a secure love but also a (for lack of better terms) broader love in that while you chose that 1 person out of everyone else in the world, now you're bound to them and can't break away just because they change something about themselves, you have to reconcile.
In that way the love between God and us is like that. It's not romantic love, but it is closer to romantic love than other kinds of love. There is some obligation for God to love His creations, God does love everyone, but that's an obligated love like family. Nothing can make God not love you, but it is love that hinges on one thing, He created you.
To be elected, and adopted into the family of God... God has actually chosen you out of other people, and loves you specifically for who you are, and in turn, you have chosen Jesus, without obligation, and love Him for who He is. So it is like a covenant, and God has already reconciled you to Him even though you've done things that make Him angry.
So it is that secure obligated love but also that freely chosen personal and intimate love.
But it is not exactly Romantic love.

It isn't a weapon my friend. Look at it differently. Marriage and the whole business of loving here on earth is a shadow of all that we'll experience in heaven. That verse points to that reality. In Heaven there won't be any need for those things because we'll have the genuine article.
Romantic love is absolutely awesome, sure, but the fellowship and unity in heaven is on a different level.
You can marry and fall in love - remember that Song of songs is at the heart of the bible! Just remember that it's a prelude for the real thing. That doesn't detract from its sweetness - it's supposed to add to it.

It's more an analogy to the real thing, because love with God is not Romantic love.
I still completely miss out on that.
I still completely miss out on what it's like to have a woman choose me above every other person in the world, or me choosing them above everyone in the world.
I expect that I'll only be loved by other people out of obligation.
I haven't done anything to warrant anyone else loving me, and nothing about me is particularly lovable.
Maybe I'm just one of those people the Lord throws in people's path to test a person's capacity to love by throwing an unlovable person in their path.
I don't know.

 

[Eftsoon]

To the first question yes, otherwise I wouldn't even be able to talk to Him.
to the second question, I don't view it that way, not directly. I think that we reflect His love but it's not like we're possessed and our will is taken out of the picture. I think we love others because He loves us. But loving someone else is ultimately a choice that we make, without being able to make the choice on our own we cannot love. That's another reason for all of this that has happened, because without the free will to choose, nobody can truly love God. Sure you can make basically robots programmed to love you, you can make them do nothing but worship you and sing praises to you on end, and they can never get bored of it.... but what's the real point? They're programmed that way, they're just executing a program and doing a purpose. So to truly love, they have to have free will, and they have to be able to choose to hate you if they want, and choose to love you instead.
and it goes even further than that. Some forms of love are obligated. Like family. It's a strong love, a secure love, you know they'll never stop loving you, but it's a narrow love. They're obligated to love you because you're related to them. Brothers and sisters in Christ as well, we're obligated to love each other, it's a secure love, but it's a narrow love that hinges on one thing: that we both love Jesus. We don't even really know each other, outside of the fact that you love Jesus and I love Jesus, could we truly say that we love each other? Probably not.
In philia, friendly love, it's freely chosen, there's no obligation, so you love your friends because you enjoy spending time with them specifically, and because of things about them, however, it's not a secure love, friends stop loving each other over rather fickle changes.
Romantic love, is also freely chosen, there's no obligation to love until the covenant is established at marriage. So it is (at least should be, if divorce is not an option) both a secure love but also a (for lack of better terms) broader love in that while you chose that 1 person out of everyone else in the world, now you're bound to them and can't break away just because they change something about themselves, you have to reconcile.
In that way the love between God and us is like that. It's not romantic love, but it is closer to romantic love than other kinds of love. There is some obligation for God to love His creations, God does love everyone, but that's an obligated love like family. Nothing can make God not love you, but it is love that hinges on one thing, He created you.
To be elected, and adopted into the family of God... God has actually chosen you out of other people, and loves you specifically for who you are, and in turn, you have chosen Jesus, without obligation, and love Him for who He is. So it is like a covenant, and God has already reconciled you to Him even though you've done things that make Him angry.
So it is that secure obligated love but also that freely chosen personal and intimate love.
But it is not exactly Romantic love.



It's more an analogy to the real thing, because love with God is not Romantic love.
I still completely miss out on that.
I still completely miss out on what it's like to have a woman choose me above every other person in the world, or me choosing them above everyone in the world.
I expect that I'll only be loved by other people out of obligation.
I haven't done anything to warrant anyone else loving me, and nothing about me is particularly lovable.
Maybe I'm just one of those people the Lord throws in people's path to test a person's capacity to love by throwing an unlovable person in their path.
I don't know.

It's not quite an analogy. It's a different relationship. There's more continuity than that. At any rate, God is love, and if we can trust him,He will flood and inundate us with that love. 'In Him we live and move and have our being'. I don't know what the future holds romance-wise, but I know that God's love always overflows, and people who overflow with that love attract other people in a similar condition.

 

[Jamdoc]

It's not quite an analogy. It's a different relationship. There's more continuity than that. At any rate, God is love, and if we can trust him,He will flood and inundate us with that love. 'In Him we live and move and have our being'. I don't know what the future holds romance-wise, but I know that God's love always overflows, and people who overflow with that love attract other people in a similar condition.

I think that God expresses love to different people in different ways, for some people sure they're happy happy joy joy because God always showers them with affection and blessings.
Other people.. God is disiplining them like a parent, it's for their own good, but it doesn't exactly incite joy.
Other people, and at times I feel very much included in this, God puts obstacles and hardships on them, in order to condition, train, and teach. Again, it's not something you enjoy and doesn't incite joy and happiness in a person. But you understand it's for your own good.
You might have the doting Father, I have the disciplining Father working me like a drill instructor.
I know it's all for my good but sometimes I want to be doted on too.

 

[Eftsoon]

I think that God expresses love to different people in different ways, for some people sure they're happy happy joy joy because God always showers them with affection and blessings.
Other people.. God is disiplining them like a parent, it's for their own good, but it doesn't exactly incite joy.
Other people, and at times I feel very much included in this, God puts obstacles and hardships on them, in order to condition, train, and teach. Again, it's not something you enjoy and doesn't incite joy and happiness in a person. But you understand it's for your own good.
You might have the doting Father, I have the disciplining Father working me like a drill instructor.
I know it's all for my good but sometimes I want to be doted on too.

But, He is doting on you. He is giving you what you need to enter His presence. Anything less would be deprivation.
The lavish displays are not what you need at this point, though they may come later

 

[Jamdoc]

But, He is doting on you. He is giving you what you need to enter His presence. Anything less would be deprivation.
The lavish displays are not what you need at this point, though they may come later

Being beaten is not really doting.. (beaten in the sense of like a boot camp drill instructor, that's what it's called, they don't lay a hand on you but they make your own body beat itself to discipline you, it in turn makes you stronger, but it's not enjoyable at all at the time, that is kind of the point, nobody likes doing 8 count body builders until they can't move anymore)

 

[Eftsoon]

Being beaten is not really doting.. (beaten in the sense of like a boot camp drill instructor, that's what it's called, they don't lay a hand on you but they make your own body beat itself to discipline you, it in turn makes you stronger, but it's not enjoyable at all at the time, that is kind of the point, nobody likes doing 8 count body builders until they can't move anymore)

It sounds like the object of your focus is the pain. The problem with the analogy you've drawn is that the drill instructor is a totally impersonal, loveless figure.There is no love in this picture. Ask God to give you the grace to keep your focus on Him. This is all that's required.

 

[Jamdoc]

It sounds like the object of your focus is the pain. The problem with the analogy you've drawn is that the drill instructor is a totally impersonal, loveless figure.There is no love in this picture. Ask God to give you the grace to keep your focus on Him. This is all that's required.

It's a little hard to explain since it's first hand knowledge. Drill instructors don't hate you, they do care about you, even when it seems like they absolutely hate your guts, they are doing what they need to do to make you succeed, that is what they want, for you to succeed, and be prepared for a hostile environment where people DO hate your guts.
They have to be the bad guy.
It's kind of like a teacher to student relationship, with a scowling tough guy facade. Teachers do love their students, and have shown this by laying down their lives for their students in crisis.
So no, it's not loveless at all. It's just a tough love.

An event that helped me see through this facade is actually kind of a striking experience for me that I'll always remember. When I was in boot camp, they had 3 drill instructors (well we called them RDC's Recruit Division Commanders)... you had your positive, motivating leader, your cool calm and collected leader, and then your bad cop beats you yells at you and seems like he hates your guts leader. They work as a team to train you.
I got sick one morning, I woke up with chills (infections run rampant in that setting all those people close together, sleep deprived weakening the immune system etc), and went to sick call, got diagnosed with bronchitis and put on antibiotics and made SIQ (sick in quarters), when I got back, I got the red cross emergency message for me, it was delivered by the "Bad Cop" leader, but when he saw my face change when he notified me of the red cross emergency message and where to go.. he got compassionate. It was the first hint that the "bad cop" was all an act for training, but he actually did care, and that this same guy who whenever the "good cop" hyped up how good of a recruit I was, he'd always tear me down with an insult... actually did want me to succeed and cared about me.
It was a miserable day that day, just really rainy and dreary, I was sick, and I knew it was bad news like everything told me that. They had the message delivered by a chaplain (another way you just know it was bad news), my grandfather had died, so I was being recommended for emergency leave to go to the funeral. So when I got back, the 3 RDC's were arranging for me to go home for the funeral, then we had to go get more vaccinations, but because of my fever, they weren't giving me the vaccination and were going to cancel my plans to go home for the funeral.
It was the bad cop, the lowest ranked RDC out of the 3, that escorted a commissioned officer (well above his paygrade) into an office, closed the door, and through the blinds I could see him yelling at the officer, gesturing with his hands. He was fighting for me, advocating for me. The officer relented, and I was going to get to go home.
It was the bad cop RDC that helped me put on my dress uniform for the flight home, straightened out my neckerchief... it was.. fatherly. Even though he wasn't that much older than I was, he was only about 30 or so.
and I suppose I realize now, how much of a window that was into my relationship with God.
He tears me down when I become proud, He beats me when I disobey or don't do something exactly right, He trains me in the ways I should go with sternness, and He scowls at me instead of smiles most of the time. But He's also going to bat for me when it counts, advocating for me, shaking His fist in Satan's face when Satan's trying to take me somewhere I don't want to go using legalese.

... All that from an "impersonal" and "loveless" figure.

Sometimes it's odd how you can see the grace of Christ in completely unexpected scenarios and how things can seem so coincidental yet piece together so brilliantly and perfectly just to show you a facet of Christ in a tangent way.
if I hadn't gotten sick, on that specific day, I wouldn't have seen a guy I thought hated my guts advocating for me and showing that he really cared.

 

[GospelS]

To the first question yes, otherwise I wouldn't even be able to talk to Him.
to the second question, I don't view it that way, not directly. I think that we reflect His love but it's not like we're possessed and our will is taken out of the picture. I think we love others because He loves us. But loving someone else is ultimately a choice that we make, without being able to make the choice on our own we cannot love. That's another reason for all of this that has happened, because without the free will to choose, nobody can truly love God. Sure you can make basically robots programmed to love you, you can make them do nothing but worship you and sing praises to you on end, and they can never get bored of it.... but what's the real point? They're programmed that way, they're just executing a program and doing a purpose. So to truly love, they have to have free will, and they have to be able to choose to hate you if they want, and choose to love you instead.
and it goes even further than that. Some forms of love are obligated. Like family. It's a strong love, a secure love, you know they'll never stop loving you, but it's a narrow love. They're obligated to love you because you're related to them. Brothers and sisters in Christ as well, we're obligated to love each other, it's a secure love, but it's a narrow love that hinges on one thing: that we both love Jesus. We don't even really know each other, outside of the fact that you love Jesus and I love Jesus, could we truly say that we love each other? Probably not.
In philia, friendly love, it's freely chosen, there's no obligation, so you love your friends because you enjoy spending time with them specifically, and because of things about them, however, it's not a secure love, friends stop loving each other over rather fickle changes.
Romantic love, is also freely chosen, there's no obligation to love until the covenant is established at marriage. So it is (at least should be, if divorce is not an option) both a secure love but also a (for lack of better terms) broader love in that while you chose that 1 person out of everyone else in the world, now you're bound to them and can't break away just because they change something about themselves, you have to reconcile.
In that way the love between God and us is like that. It's not romantic love, but it is closer to romantic love than other kinds of love. There is some obligation for God to love His creations, God does love everyone, but that's an obligated love like family. Nothing can make God not love you, but it is love that hinges on one thing, He created you.
To be elected, and adopted into the family of God... God has actually chosen you out of other people, and loves you specifically for who you are, and in turn, you have chosen Jesus, without obligation, and love Him for who He is. So it is like a covenant, and God has already reconciled you to Him even though you've done things that make Him angry.
So it is that secure obligated love but also that freely chosen personal and intimate love.
But it is not exactly Romantic love.

God came down and became a child that He may love you and have your heart. He is your Father and yet He is willing to come down and be born in you as your son that you may receive Him, that He may know you and help you. Christ must be born in every person in order to save them. Then we become sons of God because of Christ in us.

I think you need to recognize this Child Jesus born in you and learn to love Him first, meaning, you must learn to love yourself first that you may be able to love others. What I see is that you do not love the image of God in which you are made. I understand you have shortcomings and weaknesses. The devil is telling you that there's nothing good about you and that you are not really lovable. So you couldn't even love yourself and you don't see any chance that you can be loved by others. Thus, you are not able to receive any love as you feel undeserving. You think you are not good and resourceful for anything, not even God. This is your real disability and it's a sin. It's causing you not to be thankful, praise, and worship God. So you don't enjoy worshipping Him. This is not a real relationship with God. You are believing satan's lies who accuses God that He is mostly harsh towards you. So you don't feel like worshipping God with all your heart as you see no good in the image of God in you. You don't really want to be made well since you feel undeserving. You are afraid of losing your life to Jesus and that He might replace you with Himself. So you are trying to withhold giving up your everything to Him. The truth is unless you don't know who you really are. Jesus asks and takes your life but He gives it back to you after repairing you. You are afraid He might remove certain things from you. You don't trust that He will retain your good things in you. You are afraid of not having the things you like anymore. You are causing all the pain to yourself, not God.

Unless you see this Jesus who is born in you and wanting your attention and care, you will feel unlovable and undeserving of any love. Because there's nothing good about us apart from Jesus. It's Jesus in us who makes us worthy. God loves His Son who lives in you, and you must start loving Him too. You think God loves you because He is obligated as a Father. This is not how God loves us. To you a child is born, to you a son is given. Son of God became your Son, of man. Make Him yours. If you can love children, you can love this Child in you too. Who cannot fall in love with a child, without being obligated? It becomes easy to love yourself in the right way when you see this Child Jesus in you and focus on Him. Begin with appreciating the good things about you and thanking God for them, all the time.

 

[Jamdoc]

God came down and became a child that He may love you and have your heart. He is your Father and yet He is willing to come down and be born in you as your son that you may receive Him, that He may know you and help you. Christ must be born in every person in order to save them. Then we become sons of God because of Christ in us.

I think you need to recognize this Child Jesus born in you and learn to love Him first, meaning, you must learn to love yourself first that you may be able to love others. What I see is that you do not love the image of God in which you are made. I understand you have shortcomings and weaknesses. The devil is telling you that there's nothing good about you and that you are not really lovable. So you couldn't even love yourself and you don't see any chance that you can be loved by others. Thus, you are not able to receive any love as you feel undeserving. You think you are not good and resourceful for anything, not even God. This is your real disability and it's a sin. It's causing you not to be thankful, praise, and worship God. So you don't enjoy worshipping Him. This is not a real relationship with God. You are believing satan's lies who accuses God that He is mostly harsh towards you. So you don't feel like worshipping God with all your heart as you see no good in the image of God in you. You don't really want to be made well since you feel undeserving.

Unless you see this Jesus who is born in you and wanting your attention and care, you will feel unlovable and undeserving of any love. Because there's nothing good about us apart from Jesus. It's Jesus in us who makes us worthy. God loves His Son who lives in you, and you must start loving Him too. You think God loves you because He is obligated as a Father. This is not how God loves us. To you a child is born, to you a son is given. Son of God became your Son, of man. Make Him yours. If you can love children, you can love this Child in you too. Who cannot fall in love with a child, without being obligated? It becomes easy to love yourself when you see this Child Jesus in you and focus on Him. Begin with appreciating the good things about you and thanking God for them, all the time. He is with you, in you. You are not alone.

I don't think the "Child Jesus" analogy is accurate at all, sorry.
I will never teach Jesus things
I will never discipline Jesus
I will never be right and Jesus be wrong
Where exactly in scripture are you getting this idea?
We're the child in the relationship, not Jesus.

 

[GospelS]

I don't think the "Child Jesus" analogy is accurate at all, sorry.
I will never teach Jesus things
I will never discipline Jesus
I will never be right and Jesus be wrong
Where exactly in scripture are you getting this idea?
We're the child in the relationship, not Jesus.

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given. Isaiah 9:6. Jesus is in your heart and soul. You love Him. You read the word of God, which is milk and honey, and let Him grow in you that your mind may be transformed like His.

The truth is you don't know who you really are. Jesus asks and takes your life but He gives it back to you after repairing you. You are afraid He might remove certain things from you. You don't trust Him with your everything. You are afraid of not having the things you like anymore. You are causing all the pain to yourself, not God.

 

[Jamdoc]

For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given. Isaiah 9:6. Jesus is in your heart and soul. You love Him. You read the word of God, which is milk and honey, and let Him grow in you that your mind may be transformed like His.

The truth is you don't know who you really are. Jesus asks and takes your life but He gives it back to you after repairing you. You are afraid He might remove certain things from you. You don't trust Him with your everything. You are afraid of not having the things you like anymore. You are causing all the pain to yourself, not God.

Well, scripture says there won't be several things I like.
so I wouldn't call those beliefs unfounded.
I trust what scripture says, that doesn't mean I like all of it.
But I don't get to make the decisions.
I don't get to tell God "hey I like beaches, they're where I'm happy"
God said "no more seas" so.. that's that.
I have to be happy about that?

 

[GospelS]

He tears me down when I become proud, He beats me when I disobey or don't do something exactly right, He trains me in the ways I should go with sternness, and He scowls at me instead of smiles most of the time. But He's also going to bat for me when it counts, advocating for me, shaking His fist in Satan's face when Satan's trying to take me somewhere I don't want to go using legalese.

Well, scripture says there won't be several things I like.
so I wouldn't call those beliefs unfounded.
I trust what scripture says, that doesn't mean I like all of it.
But I don't get to make the decisions.
I don't get to tell God "hey I like beaches, they're where I'm happy"
God said "no more seas" so.. that's that.
I have to be happy about that?

What I see you describing is a devil masquerading as an angel of light. If you are not being doted and beaten most of the time, I'm really worried and afraid for you. God's discipline is not like that. I don't blame you. I will plead God for you. You are in a dangerous place. I'm sorry. You can reject everything I said but I request you one thing- the devil is hearing your prayers and deceiving you, if possible, leave the place where you are now, or look for a different church and ask God for the Holy Spirit. Thanks for your patience in hearing me. I really appreciate it.

 

[Jamdoc]

What I see you describing is a devil masquerading as an angel of light. If you are not being doted and beaten most of the time, I'm really worried and afraid for you. God's discipline is not like that. I don't blame you. I will plead God for you. You are in a dangerous place. I'm sorry. You can reject everything I said but I request you one thing- the devil is hearing your prayers and deceiving you, if possible, leave the place where you are now, or look for a different church and ask God for the Holy Spirit. Thanks for your patience in hearing me. I really appreciate it.

I believe in scripture.
to be honest I've been worried about you because a lot of your ideas about God, are not in scripture, a God that is both male and female, and now seeing God as your child, that you raise and teach and discipline. None of that is biblically supported.

Yes, God does chastise and scourge.
Hebrews 12:5-8
Yes, God does allow bad things to happen to people even when they try to live Godly. Job, David, Jeremiah, Elijah are the biblical examples, and I'm pretty sure there are many others that weren't prophets who endured hardships and and God didn't just give them everything they wanted.

 

[Eftsoon]

It's a little hard to explain since it's first hand knowledge. Drill instructors don't hate you, they do care about you, even when it seems like they absolutely hate your guts, they are doing what they need to do to make you succeed, that is what they want, for you to succeed, and be prepared for a hostile environment where people DO hate your guts.
They have to be the bad guy.
It's kind of like a teacher to student relationship, with a scowling tough guy facade. Teachers do love their students, and have shown this by laying down their lives for their students in crisis.
So no, it's not loveless at all. It's just a tough love.

An event that helped me see through this facade is actually kind of a striking experience for me that I'll always remember. When I was in boot camp, they had 3 drill instructors (well we called them RDC's Recruit Division Commanders)... you had your positive, motivating leader, your cool calm and collected leader, and then your bad cop beats you yells at you and seems like he hates your guts leader. They work as a team to train you.
I got sick one morning, I woke up with chills (infections run rampant in that setting all those people close together, sleep deprived weakening the immune system etc), and went to sick call, got diagnosed with bronchitis and put on antibiotics and made SIQ (sick in quarters), when I got back, I got the red cross emergency message for me, it was delivered by the "Bad Cop" leader, but when he saw my face change when he notified me of the red cross emergency message and where to go.. he got compassionate. It was the first hint that the "bad cop" was all an act for training, but he actually did care, and that this same guy who whenever the "good cop" hyped up how good of a recruit I was, he'd always tear me down with an insult... actually did want me to succeed and cared about me.
It was a miserable day that day, just really rainy and dreary, I was sick, and I knew it was bad news like everything told me that. They had the message delivered by a chaplain (another way you just know it was bad news), my grandfather had died, so I was being recommended for emergency leave to go to the funeral. So when I got back, the 3 RDC's were arranging for me to go home for the funeral, then we had to go get more vaccinations, but because of my fever, they weren't giving me the vaccination and were going to cancel my plans to go home for the funeral.
It was the bad cop, the lowest ranked RDC out of the 3, that escorted a commissioned officer (well above his paygrade) into an office, closed the door, and through the blinds I could see him yelling at the officer, gesturing with his hands. He was fighting for me, advocating for me. The officer relented, and I was going to get to go home.
It was the bad cop RDC that helped me put on my dress uniform for the flight home, straightened out my neckerchief... it was.. fatherly. Even though he wasn't that much older than I was, he was only about 30 or so.
and I suppose I realize now, how much of a window that was into my relationship with God.
He tears me down when I become proud, He beats me when I disobey or don't do something exactly right, He trains me in the ways I should go with sternness, and He scowls at me instead of smiles most of the time. But He's also going to bat for me when it counts, advocating for me, shaking His fist in Satan's face when Satan's trying to take me somewhere I don't want to go using legalese.

... All that from an "impersonal" and "loveless" figure.

Sometimes it's odd how you can see the grace of Christ in completely unexpected scenarios and how things can seem so coincidental yet piece together so brilliantly and perfectly just to show you a facet of Christ in a tangent way.
if I hadn't gotten sick, on that specific day, I wouldn't have seen a guy I thought hated my guts advocating for me and showing that he really cared.

EDIT .I misread it on the first round.

The analogy is really strained. God doesn't need to masquerade. There's no deception, and He isn't capricious