letting go of the past

[heavenliejediofthebeach]

ok people...about two months ago i broke up with my bf of 18months who i thought i loved but i realized it was just "stronge feelings."
anyways..the first four and five months were ok when we were together..he was very sweet and caring and would defend me over the littlest things..
but then he changed..he started siding with my dad all the time and was always acting out his temper..he even hit me once...he kept telling me i was so lazy and needed to look for a job(even though i was(and i do have a job now)and was always yelling and screaming at me..he even acted such as a parent would

well i am over him but not how he has treated me..i cant go a day without even thinking about iit..hes scared me to where if i do think i could ever be lucky to find another guy that would want me, that he would just act the way my ex did..so yeah im a bit scared to talk to guys...
and he tries to chat with me..he keeps saying sorry for the way he treated me and i do forgive him because i was blessed to as where i forgive easily(..its just the forgeting part i have trouble with)he wants to talk as friends but i said it was too awkward and he thinks that he has done something wrong...

i just wish i could go a day without thinking of it

can anyone help?

 

[MrsGnomeCrusher]

I am so sorry you had to go through and experience that. The thinking about him will lessen to every other day to every once in awhile. My last boyfriend I was with--we broke up in August 2000. I still think about it now and again. First you have sadness and your heart is broken. Then it usually moves onto anger. Then I was able to come to peace with my anger. But no matter how hard I try to think otherwise, the hurt is still there.

First thing you need to do is work on yourself. Don't even think about another guy or being in a relationship. He did some major damage to you. Although he physically hurt you, he did more emotional damage than anything. You need to repair you. I wish I had the tool kit to help you as I'd be okay. My last ex wasn't the only man to hurt me in my life, but I think he was the one to put the icing on the cake, so to speak. I have not been able to get close to a man or trust one since. I've locked myself up and slowly learning how to unlock that door.

You ex sounds very controlling and I think it was for the best that this relationship ended. You will see that eventually, although right now you probably just feel pain and hurt. Plus you'll hate everyone telling you that. Now he's trying to talk to you and saying he's sorry, but these are situations that I see so many women in. They "love" him so they go back only for it to happen again, but worse . . . and they continue in this cycle. I'm not saying that he IS like that, but from what you posted, there are a lot of warning signs to indicate that this won't just go away.

If you need to break off contact with him totally--do it. Don't feel bad. Do what you need to do for you. Get yourself back on the right track. If you want to do something for him, I would suggest pray for him. You have a relationship with God. Go to Him. I'm pretty sure He'll lead you in the right direction.

 

[looksgood]

I am sooo sorry about what you went through. It hurts me deeply to hear about how some men treat women. I mean that from the bottom of my heart...it hurts me. You like all women are worth soooooo much more than that. Gaurd your heart. I promise you not all men are like that. Being a man myself I think that should count for something. Cause I am NOT like that. I understand your hurt. But in time I am sure you will heal. When the right man does come along...you will be able to trust him with your heart. And he will trust you with his.

In time it will be ok. Just know that God loves you. And not only that...but there is probably someone out there right now who is thinking of you. Even if he doesnt know you yet.

 

[Phrasedefina]

I hate guys like that.....they **** me off more than anything else. Right now, I have a girl that I love very much that is in a relationship similar to yours. I swear if I ever see that *insertlonglistofvulgaritieshere* anywhere, well you can imagine what I have the desire to do.


You and him are now broken up so the good thing is that your out of it now. But, listen...NO ONE has the right to bring you down. You should not forgive him outwardly, it will just cause you to be drawn to him again. I know that its difficult to do, but you have to give him the message that you don't want anything to do with him anymore. I am sure you are very beautiful and very very very desireable. There are tons of fish in the sea that would love to date you, and many of them can love you too. If thats not all, look in the mirror and think about the amazing creatures we are that God has created. It's simply beautiful.....God created you and all of us here, could anyone ever accomplish such a task besides him? He loves his children not just because of who we are and what the Bible teaches us, but also because he MADE us. And he MADE you....he says you are the most beautiful thing in his eyes.

 

[seangoh]

Very sorry to hear that. one good way of forgetting it is to stay away from him. Try to develop your self-esteem and confidence too. I think this has much to do with how your bf/husband treats you next time.

 

[TheDatelessLoserX2]

I have no previous experience from which to offer advice, but I will say one thing, any man that hits a woman is no man at all. No woman deserves to be hit. People that do that give all use "decent" guys a bad name, and I get a little tired of a few bad apples ruining it for the rest of us.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

I've always found Deuteronomy 31:8 (I think) to be very helpful when I'm trying to move forward with my life.

"The Lord Himself has gone before you and will be with you. He will nevr leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged."

Meaning, whatever's next, God already went ahead of you and checker it out, so it's safe. ANd if you get worried, that's cool, because He'll be going through it with you.

 

[Lia]

(((heavenlieisland))) big hugs for you.
God will heal your wound bit by bit. I know it'll be hard to forget but God will make things better, I promise. It will take time, though. Seek God and pour out your heart before him..your pain and past. Your future does not have to be a reflection of your past. Don't worry. It will get better. There will be someone who will adore you, love you, cherish you more in your future. Have hope, faith and strong confidence in God.

Don't talk to him as friends now, I suggest.. your heart is not ready to start friendship with your ex. Just focus on building up your self esteem first and healing your wound. God loves you & bless you, sweetie

 

[jenptcfan]

There's no need for you to try to remain friends with him. If you've forgiven him (and you say you have), you've done what you're supposed to do. Now stay away from him. Tell him that you've forgiven him for the way he's treated you, but that it would be unhealthy for you to have anything more to do with him.

God has a plan for this area of your life, and it's a good plan. Give Him time to heal the wounds you have suffered through this relationship. You've been hurt deeply, and it just takes time to work through that kind of hurt.

 

[Stanfi]

As has been said, I am also sorry to hear what you have been through. I also agree that you need to give yourself time to heal, and that may take a while. It doesn't happen over night. Spend time with God, and avoid people and places that irritate your emotional wounds.

Many times, I think that emotional cuts take more to heal than physical ones.

Also throwing him in the "Letting Go Barrel" may help. That is why it was started to try to help us let go of the past.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

A man could be everything you ever dreamed of and more. But the second he hits you it's over. Period. Physical abuse and verbal/emotional abuse are immediate disqualifications for the dating game. He could apologize for a year with tears and flowers and promises. Sure you can forgive him. But this will have to be a lesson I hope he learns for the next girl he dates cause he put himself forever out of your picture. Ok. I had to get that out.

When you grow close to someone, even when the situation isn't as messed up as this, it gets confusing after you break up. I think the healthiest thing you can do, especially in your case, is to cease all contact. I'm so glad you got away from this guy. But even when two people break up and nothing bad happened I will tell them to not talk to each other. It brings healing faster. It keeps from opening the wounds and sensitive things that need time to heal and move past. The more quickly this happens, the greater chance you have of remaining friends in the long run, odd as that may sound.
But I don't see any obligation on your part to ever see or talk to this guy again.

 

[Out of the Flames]

A man could be everything you ever dreamed of and more. But the second he hits you it's over. Period. Physical abuse and verbal/emotional abuse are immediate disqualifications for the dating game. He could apologize for a year with tears and flowers and promises. Sure you can forgive him. But this will have to be a lesson I hope he learns for the next girl he dates cause he put himself forever out of your picture. Ok. I had to get that out.

When you grow close to someone, even when the situation isn't as messed up as this, it gets confusing after you break up. I think the healthiest thing you can do, especially in your case, is to cease all contact. I'm so glad you got away from this guy. But even when two people break up and nothing bad happened I will tell them to not talk to each other. It brings healing faster. It keeps from opening the wounds and sensitive things that need time to heal and move past. The more quickly this happens, the greater chance you have of remaining friends in the long run, odd as that may sound.
But I don't see any obligation on your part to ever see or talk to this guy again.

You are the wisest, coolest 4 year old I know.

Anyway, I did date someone once that was physically abusive to me ONCE. That was all it took. I have forgiven him at this point, but I will probably never forget him and I doubt I will ever speak to him again.

When physical abuse comes into play, the offender can be sorry six ways from sundown, but it's usually better for everyone involved to cease all contact. It's better for your emotional state if you don't see the person.

 

[Spicy McHaggis]

There's no need for you to try to remain friends with him. If you've forgiven him (and you say you have), you've done what you're supposed to do. Now stay away from him. Tell him that you've forgiven him for the way he's treated you, but that it would be unhealthy for you to have anything more to do with him.

I would take it a step further if he's been abusive. Don't burn bridges, take off and nuke them from orbit.

 

[klewlis]

It is definitely wise to cease contact with him, so that your heart can be protected from further damage.

There is NEVER an excuse for physical abuse, and the victim never deserves it. Even without the physical abuse, he was emotionally abusive and that is also unexcusable.

You don't have to be afraid of future relationships--now you can use what you have learned to find the warning signs and stay away from similar types of guys.

And when you find yourself wondering if you deserve something better, YOU DO. Repeat to yourself, "I am a daughter of the King and deserve to be treated as such!".

 

[heavenliejediofthebeach]

thank you for all your advice, i havent talked him for several weeks but i did have a bad with dream about him..it just hurts alittle because he claimed he loved me yet two days after we broke up he was already seeing a new girl, broke up with her and is with a new girl...ahhhh

 

[Mr.Cheese]

*hug*

 

[Mr.Cheese]

lol.
Yeah. Cheese years are a little different from people years.

 

[dailybread1978]

There's no need for you to try to remain friends with him. If you've forgiven him (and you say you have), you've done what you're supposed to do. Now stay away from him. Tell him that you've forgiven him for the way he's treated you, but that it would be unhealthy for you to have anything more to do with him.

God has a plan for this area of your life, and it's a good plan. Give Him time to heal the wounds you have suffered through this relationship. You've been hurt deeply, and it just takes time to work through that kind of hurt.

I absolutely agree. I do believe "All things work together for good for them that love God". But of course, we cant deny the feeling that you've gone through. Im sorry for that. And it will really take time.... We will pray for you sister...