Ladies who won't date men who drink, even on occasion

[ThisIsMe123]

Got to talking to this woman online. She's part of our singles group and we got to talking about some of the male church leaders of that group.

She was saying she liked this particular guy (leader) as he was single, but won't date him because he'll like to have a drink on occasion. Her other friend, that's also a leader, won't date the co-leader...same reason. He'll have a beer...on occasion.

"Occasion" being the operative word here.

She said she liked him and wanted date him, but when he ordered a beer...total deal breaker.

I said to her, "You really need to lighten up on your standards"

and she goes, "That's the problem with Christians, they cave on their standards when they should be giving of themselves ENTIRELY to Christ"

Then we got into a debate about the feast at Cana's wedding and how Jesus turned water into wine...and she said "We're not Jesus" and I said, "Well, that just proves it's not a sin" and she said, "To me it is"

The logic that followed didn't make any sense, but she said she'd rather stay single her entire life than to date a man who drinks a beer on occasion.

I have noticed it's always the women who don't drink, but men...they tend to drink, even have a solo beer/wine on occasion.

She said "it kills the Witness" that someone who is coming to Christ as a newcomer, if they see that they have a drink in hand, it'll discredit that person and discredit their belief IN that person being Christian.

Do some of these ladies need to seriously lighten up and realize that drinking, in moderation, is not a sin?

Then, the truth come out....

She went on about how her husband and family members were alcoholics and abuse came of it and that.

So, her dealbreaker is based off a bad experience. Had she not experienced this, then...this wouldn't be an issue. Somehow she is thinking if her new boyfriend has a beer, that it'll lead him to be an abusive spouse, and beating the childrren...in the future.

Although, not sure if you can connect the two, as there's no real logic to this? But can't say I blame her, but isn't this an example of going from one extreme to the next?

But there seems to be a commonality that she and her female friend somehow thinks that any future guy they are crushing on has one beer, will he be assumed to be an abusive husband simply by having one drink?

So, their decision is predicated on the fact they were victims of alcohol abuse that lead to physical abuse of herself and her children and thusly, she won't date a man that even touches alcohol.

It's more PTSD than a Christian decision.

 

[1stcenturylady]

Got to talking to this woman online. She's part of our singles group and we got to talking about some of the male church leaders of that group.

She was saying she liked this particular guy (leader) as he was single, but won't date him because he'll like to have a drink on occasion. Her other friend, that's also a leader, won't date the co-leader...same reason. He'll have a beer...on occasion.

"Occasion" being the operative word here.

She said she liked him and wanted date him, but when he ordered a beer...total deal breaker.

I said to her, "You really need to lighten up on your standards"

and she goes, "That's the problem with Christians, they cave on their standards when they should be giving of themselves ENTIRELY to Christ"

Then we got into a debate about the feast at Cana's wedding and how Jesus turned water into wine...and she said "We're not Jesus" and I said, "Well, that just proves it's not a sin" and she said, "To me it is"

The logic that followed didn't make any sense, but she said she'd rather stay single her entire life than to date a man who drinks a beer on occasion.

I have noticed it's always the women who don't drink, but men...they tend to drink, even have a solo beer/wine on occasion.

She said "it kills the Witness" that someone who is coming to Christ as a newcomer, if they see that they have a drink in hand, it'll discredit that person and discredit their belief IN that person being Christian.

Do some of these ladies need to seriously lighten up and realize that drinking, in moderation, is not a sin?

"Leaders" should never drink for the sake of the weak in the faith. They are held to a higher standard according to James. But in general it is not a sin to have a drink, but it is a sin to get drunk. Paul even advised Timothy to take a little wine for his stomach. And another verse says to give strong drink to those who are grieving. The key is moderation in all things, and not being a slave to it. Drugs on the other hand are more powerful and can get you "hooked" from the first partaking and can stay in your system much longer. You have no witness for days at the least, or forever.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

"Leaders" should never drink for the sake of the weak in the faith. They are held to a higher standard according to James. But in general it is not a sin to have a drink, but it is a sin to get drunk. Paul even advised Timothy to take a little wine for his stomach. And another verse says to give strong drink to those who are grieving. The key is moderation in all things.

Yeah, but when I gave that argument, it was like talking to a brick wall.

 

[Adstar]

Got to talking to this woman online. She's part of our singles group and we got to talking about some of the male church leaders of that group.

She was saying she liked this particular guy (leader) as he was single, but won't date him because he'll like to have a drink on occasion. Her other friend, that's also a leader, won't date the co-leader...same reason. He'll have a beer...on occasion.

"Occasion" being the operative word here.

She said she liked him and wanted date him, but when he ordered a beer...total deal breaker.

I said to her, "You really need to lighten up on your standards"

and she goes, "That's the problem with Christians, they cave on their standards when they should be giving of themselves ENTIRELY to Christ"

Then we got into a debate about the feast at Cana's wedding and how Jesus turned water into wine...and she said "We're not Jesus" and I said, "Well, that just proves it's not a sin" and she said, "To me it is"

The logic that followed didn't make any sense, but she said she'd rather stay single her entire life than to date a man who drinks a beer on occasion.

I have noticed it's always the women who don't drink, but men...they tend to drink, even have a solo beer/wine on occasion.

She said "it kills the Witness" that someone who is coming to Christ as a newcomer, if they see that they have a drink in hand, it'll discredit that person and discredit their belief IN that person being Christian.

Do some of these ladies need to seriously lighten up and realize that drinking, in moderation, is not a sin?

Then, the truth come out....

She went on about how her husband and family members were alcoholics and abuse came of it and that.

So, her dealbreaker is based off a bad experience. Had she not experienced this, then...this wouldn't be an issue. Somehow she is thinking if her new boyfriend has a beer, that it'll lead him to be an abusive spouse, and beating the childrren...in the future.

Although, not sure if you can connect the two, as there's no real logic to this? But can't say I blame her, but isn't this an example of going from one extreme to the next?

But there seems to be a commonality that she and her female friend somehow thinks that any future guy they are crushing on has one beer, will he be assumed to be an abusive husband simply by having one drink?

So, their decision is predicated on the fact they were victims of alcohol abuse that lead to physical abuse of herself and her children and thusly, she won't date a man that even touches alcohol.

Lots of people make their own religion to suit their personal experiences.. Churches are even founded on personal doctrines like abstinence from alcohol.. They add to the word of God personal teachings.. They make a huge error when doing things like that..

 

[ThisIsMe123]

They add to the word of God personal teachings.. They make a huge error when doing things like that..

Exactly, the logic doesn't make any sense, they are trying to tie one thing into something completely unrelated.

"My husband abused me and my kids, because he is a drunk, now if I even SEE a man order a beer, he's an un-date-able Christian."

They assume that whatever guy even touches booze will be their future abusive spouse. That "one drink leads to another."

I said, "Only if they are weak-willed"

 

[1stcenturylady]

Yeah, but when I gave that argument, it was like talking to a brick wall.

You have to leave them to their own conscience, and their own standards. It is not like they are making bad choices. They should be equally yoked with another of like minds.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

It's more PTSD

mixed with erroneous theology, which is probably motived by PTSD.

this coming from someone who has never had a drink and has no desire to do so.

 

[JAM2b]

Just an observation, but it seem to really bother you there are women who don't agree with you or want the same thing you want in life. I don't mean to sound harsh, I've just noticed an underlying theme in the threads you start. Maybe it is because women's personal boundaries limit the number in the pool you can seek a girlfriend from?

It would maybe seem different, if the complaint was against "some people" in general, instead of just women. There are plenty of wounded men, men who don't drink, and men who are content being single.

There are people who do not believe it is right to drink any alcohol at all. It limits the amount of people they can engage with or activities they can be part of, but that is their personal choice. It is OK. Romans 14:1-3 is a good verse for this issue. It's example that is use is food, but I think the same principle applies.

For my personal perspective on the topic at hand, women who won't date someone who drinks:

I'm a divorced mom with an ex who has a history of poor judgement and picking irresponsible friends who behave badly. I had morality clauses added to our divorce decree in order to protect my sons. One of them is that neither of us can consume alcohol or recreational drugs within 12 hours of having possession of the children, cannot allow them to be around others who are currently consuming alcohol or recreational drugs, or who are intoxicated or under the influence of drugs. I literally go years between drinks because I won't risk violating this, and I live in another state from my ex.

For these reasons, I tend to shy away from men who drink because I don't want there to be a slip-up. I don't want there to be a reason for a conflict that can be avoided. I can't imagine any adult feeling OK with being told they can't have a drink, especially if they are responsible people.

After my kids are grown, I'm going to relax my standard, and might even take up wine tasting. But until then, I feel I can't be with someone if alcohol, even a moderate or occasional amount, is an important part of their life.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

You have to leave them to their own conscience, and their own standards. It is not like they are making bad choices. They should be equally yoked with another of like minds.

Well, my frustration stems on the fact that I want a Christian woman, but yet...if they have very stringent standards like this, I may consider a Christian woman that isn't so irrational in what they seek.

I think it DOES make sense that their decision is based on a bad experience (abusive, alcoholic husband)...so perhaps I may be better aligned with a woman that

1. Has never experienced this, at least where booze was the trigger

2. Has a more open mind about things and is flexible in this department.

I think this is why me and many of my Christian friends will explore non-Christian venues and tend to run in more diverse social circles, expanding upon their options. Eventually, they'll wind up marrying someone that is Christian, but more grounded.

I know many Christians that have no qualms with drinking whatsoever, they had abusive ex's, and some of it was even alcohol induced, but they never let it impact their decision in a future mate.

They never made the connection between their past and their future partner.

 

[Cearbhall]

The logic that followed didn't make any sense, but she said she'd rather stay single her entire life than to date a man who drinks a beer on occasion.

Eh, this is the crux of the matter. She doesn't "need" to loosen her standards or lighten up, as you told her. She doesn't need to do anything. She doesn't owe it to anyone to view them as a potential boyfriend, and she doesn't have to back up that rejection with a logical explanation in order for it to be acceptable.

She knows herself, and she knows how she wants to live. She's aware of the effect that this particular standard could have on her odds of finding someone, and she's ok with that. We all have the right to restrict our dating pool however we want.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Just an observations, but you seem to have a problem with women who don't agree with you or want what you want in life. I don't mean to sound harsh, I've just noticed an underlying theme in the threads you start. It would maybe seem different, if the complaint was against some people in general, instead of just women. There are plenty of wounded men, men who don't drink, and men who are content being single.

Thank you for your input, I think my common theme, although repetitive, I think it's because I'm doing so, hoping it would "click" as to why people think the way they do. Also, as I mentioned in this same thread, I have a frustration when I come across a nice woman that COULD be a great future woman in my life, only to not date me, because I drink...in moderation obviously.

The information in your divorce decree did shed some light on this though. Although, perhaps I hadn't been a victim of abuse via alcohol makes me having a harder time understanding? I cannot relate, perhaps? And thuse the underlying theme of my threads?

 

[JAM2b]

I think I have challenged you more that once, and you have remained respectful and open minded. I tend to be blunt. I hope I have not offended you.

FWIW, I think you would be a good person to date because you are thoughtful and willing to listen to others perspectives.

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

cannot allow them to be around others who are currently consuming alcohol or recreational drugs, or who are intoxicated or under the influence of drugs.

So, the child has to be kept indoors all time? Cause I fail to see how one can have control over the citizens who walk on the street. Plenty of people walk home from a restaurant after having consumed alcohol.

 

[Zoii]

Ive seen how guys are when they drink...often loud, too often obnoxious, and too many want to fight. perhaps the person you spoke to knows from experience how men can be when they drink and wants no part of it. And thats her right and she doesnt need to loosen up. You either accept her viewpoint or move on.

 

[JAM2b]

So, the child has to be kept indoors all time? Cause I fail to see how one can have control over the citizens who walk on the street. Plenty of people walk home from a restaurant after having consumed alcohol.

I'm not going to quote the legalese in the divorce papers. We cannot intentionally and knowingly expose our children to people who are drinking. If we notice someone is intoxicated or has a beer, we have to leave with the kids, or have the person leave our home. We are not allowed to take them to places like Applebee's or TGIFridays, where drinks are served. We have to control who they come in contact with, within reason.

Side note, my ex violated this and the other morality clause: no shacking-up.

 

[ThisIsMe123]

Ive seen how guys are when they drink...often loud, too often obnoxious, and too many want to fight. perhaps the person you spoke to knows from experience how men can be when they drink and wants no part of it. And thats her right and she doesnt need to loosen up. You either accept her viewpoint or move on.

I've seen men and women act that way, I shy away from that crowd. But also seen people at sophisticated wine tastings to act mature.

 

[Zoii]

I've seen men and women act that way, I shy away from that crowd. But also seen people at sophisticated wine tastings to act mature.

At home mum n dad might have a glass of wine with dinner. I guess my thoughts are when I have been out w mum n dad or sometimes with friends, and seen guys come out of bars. Its like I wanna just get away from them as fast as I can.

 

[Zoii]

oops sorry everyone I just realized Im in a singles area n shouldn't be posting - sorry.

 

[Lucian Hodoboc]

I'm not going to quote the legalese in the divorce papers. We cannot intentionally and knowingly expose our children to people who are drinking. If we notice someone is intoxicated or has a beer, we have to leave with the kids, or have the person leave our home. We are not allowed to take them to places like Applebee's or TGIFridays, where drinks are served. We have to control who they come in contact with, within reason.

Side note, my ex violated this and the other morality clause: no shacking-up.

I don't know what shacking-up means, but what you said before that seems like a logical fallacy to me.

 

[1stcenturylady]

Well, my frustration stems on the fact that I want a Christian woman, but yet...if they have very stringent standards like this, I may consider a Christian woman that isn't so irrational in what they seek.

I think it DOES make sense that their decision is based on a bad experience (abusive, alcoholic husband)...so perhaps I may be better aligned with a woman that

1. Has never experienced this, at least where booze was the trigger

2. Has a more open mind about things and is flexible in this department.

I think this is why me and many of my Christian friends will explore non-Christian venues and tend to run in more diverse social circles, expanding upon their options. Eventually, they'll wind up marrying someone that is Christian, but more grounded.

I know many Christians that have no qualms with drinking whatsoever, they had abusive ex's, and some of it was even alcohol induced, but they never let it impact their decision in a future mate.

They never made the connection between their past and their future partner.

You could always join the Catholic church. Their priests drink and smoke, so they are very open minded on this. Maybe even too open minded. Just know that you will probably not be able to convince someone to change for you, so you must find someone already like minded with you.