I think the ladies can relate to this. So men, you might not want to read this. Yucky period talk.
Had a horrible morning. I've actually been having a couple horrible weeks.
Two weeks ago, my dad had kidney failure. I cried all last week and he finally got to come home. I took him to dialysis this morning. He hasn't lived the best life, but he claims to know The Lord. He said he believed on Him. Continue to pray for him. He's just a really carefree person. I know he really believes and cares about the Lord, but I really feel like he doesn't pay a lot of attention to how he lives his life. Please pray my dad can grow closer to God and go back to church. Also, for his kidneys to heal or for us to find a kidney.
Ladies...
I was told to get screened for PMDD. Never did. I'm sure this is what I am going through. It really stinks. About 10 days before my period, I go bonkers. My thoughts race, I obsess, I get aggravated. I also was told that I could be OCD. I just want to say that after studying these two disorders, I have OCD habits, but this PMDD things has got to be what I am going through! I never really know when I will go through this considering my period is usually three days early or two days late. I get really hateful and its like I get suicidal thoughts. Everything aggravates me. I also have a husband who is on my last nerve every day with or without PMS/PMDD. I always get really rough and think of bashing my head open or shooting myself, but I can't do either. I don't want to. It's just always on my mind. Around a month ago, I hit myself in the head. Like punched myself like 8 times in bed. I was stressing out over my job and then I just felt like punching something. Sure enough, the period came a few days later. In the past, my husband has really said things that hurt me when I am going through this (I also had a kidney, uti, bladder infection going on- extreme pain I thought it was endometriosis) I threw a ceramic I really liked and busted it on the floor after denting the wall with it (guess I am not as powerful in my pitch as I believed). Today, I was telling my mom about how aggravating and uninvolved my husband has been. I started to get a little irritated and I said "sometimes I just want to burst my head open and let him watch me bleed (die)." I feel stress when I say this. Like I can see it in my head happening. I guess that what adds stress to me? Like I can feel stress and anger, but I'm not full blown mad. And it seems like I tend to just exaggerate these thoughts when I talk about it to show people how ticked off I am which I'm not even wanting to show how mad I am. I have no plans to do that. It just comes to my mind when I am mad. My mom said something like "Well if you did something like that do you think you would get into Heaven?" That made me even more irritated because I have heard pastors say that a saved person can go to Heaven if committing suicide. I took it the wrong way like she was telling me I wasn't saved. Which I am. Im just over this monthly thing I go through. I get so irritated and its always suicidal-like thoughts. I also have a bad habit of trying to think "I hate..." and I don't know what I hate! "I hate that for you" I will say when it's something bad happening to someone and all of a sudden I will think "I hate..." and I will stick "my life" in there real quick to finish a thought and I don't have anyone. But when I was aggravated with my mom, I was thinking "I hate.." (and I think I was trying to think about the conversation because I was so over it) and it ended with "her." I just don't hate my mom. I feel a lot of a stress in this time. I always say Again, I don't have intentions of hurting myself, I just got on the topic of thoughts I have had and was a little lippy over my husband who has been driving me nuts lately.
As a teen, I was just miserable. I always said "I wish I was dead." I never really wished that. If I did, I wouldve been wishing that on birthday cakes and praying about it. I had dreams and achieved some of them. I just say these things when I am aggravated out of spite. I used to be scared what if I did die and wanted to? Would that be like suicide because then I did believe that someone who suicided themselves or wanted to die could possibly go there because it was a want and not a God taking you out of this world. I've repented, but I let this stress me out. I kind of feel like it's not that I want to die, but that I feel like I am dying because I go through these really upset, aggravating, stressful cycles and I just want the feelings to leave because I know life isnt that bad.
Why have I been irritated with my husband? He has been talking about divorce lately and he just pushes me away. He said he wed be great friends still if something like that happens between us. It made me overthink all week. I want a baby so bad. We have been trying for 5 years. I have been pushed away from him in bed just trying to snuggle, sex, foster care was brushed off and this IUI I may or may not get isn't really catching his eye either it seems. I told my mom I didn't really wanna make him watch me die, maybe just a divorce. I even have a guy friend that I can't get off of my mind. I kinda regret not giving him a chance. I just feel so bad for him all the time, maybe that's what it is.
So, I just want prayer for my dad, my family, my health, and my marriage. Its just so hard. Its like my mind goes everywhere. I make something out of it and I run with it, like its the truth. Sorting out marriage issues tonight. Advice welcome, judgment can pass.
Had a horrible morning. I've actually been having a couple horrible weeks.
Two weeks ago, my dad had kidney failure. I cried all last week and he finally got to come home. I took him to dialysis this morning. He hasn't lived the best life, but he claims to know The Lord. He said he believed on Him. Continue to pray for him. He's just a really carefree person. I know he really believes and cares about the Lord, but I really feel like he doesn't pay a lot of attention to how he lives his life. Please pray my dad can grow closer to God and go back to church. Also, for his kidneys to heal or for us to find a kidney.
Ladies...
I was told to get screened for PMDD. Never did. I'm sure this is what I am going through. It really stinks. About 10 days before my period, I go bonkers. My thoughts race, I obsess, I get aggravated. I also was told that I could be OCD. I just want to say that after studying these two disorders, I have OCD habits, but this PMDD things has got to be what I am going through! I never really know when I will go through this considering my period is usually three days early or two days late. I get really hateful and its like I get suicidal thoughts. Everything aggravates me. I also have a husband who is on my last nerve every day with or without PMS/PMDD. I always get really rough and think of bashing my head open or shooting myself, but I can't do either. I don't want to. It's just always on my mind. Around a month ago, I hit myself in the head. Like punched myself like 8 times in bed. I was stressing out over my job and then I just felt like punching something. Sure enough, the period came a few days later. In the past, my husband has really said things that hurt me when I am going through this (I also had a kidney, uti, bladder infection going on- extreme pain I thought it was endometriosis) I threw a ceramic I really liked and busted it on the floor after denting the wall with it (guess I am not as powerful in my pitch as I believed). Today, I was telling my mom about how aggravating and uninvolved my husband has been. I started to get a little irritated and I said "sometimes I just want to burst my head open and let him watch me bleed (die)." I feel stress when I say this. Like I can see it in my head happening. I guess that what adds stress to me? Like I can feel stress and anger, but I'm not full blown mad. And it seems like I tend to just exaggerate these thoughts when I talk about it to show people how ticked off I am which I'm not even wanting to show how mad I am. I have no plans to do that. It just comes to my mind when I am mad. My mom said something like "Well if you did something like that do you think you would get into Heaven?" That made me even more irritated because I have heard pastors say that a saved person can go to Heaven if committing suicide. I took it the wrong way like she was telling me I wasn't saved. Which I am. Im just over this monthly thing I go through. I get so irritated and its always suicidal-like thoughts. I also have a bad habit of trying to think "I hate..." and I don't know what I hate! "I hate that for you" I will say when it's something bad happening to someone and all of a sudden I will think "I hate..." and I will stick "my life" in there real quick to finish a thought and I don't have anyone. But when I was aggravated with my mom, I was thinking "I hate.." (and I think I was trying to think about the conversation because I was so over it) and it ended with "her." I just don't hate my mom. I feel a lot of a stress in this time. I always say Again, I don't have intentions of hurting myself, I just got on the topic of thoughts I have had and was a little lippy over my husband who has been driving me nuts lately.
As a teen, I was just miserable. I always said "I wish I was dead." I never really wished that. If I did, I wouldve been wishing that on birthday cakes and praying about it. I had dreams and achieved some of them. I just say these things when I am aggravated out of spite. I used to be scared what if I did die and wanted to? Would that be like suicide because then I did believe that someone who suicided themselves or wanted to die could possibly go there because it was a want and not a God taking you out of this world. I've repented, but I let this stress me out. I kind of feel like it's not that I want to die, but that I feel like I am dying because I go through these really upset, aggravating, stressful cycles and I just want the feelings to leave because I know life isnt that bad.
Why have I been irritated with my husband? He has been talking about divorce lately and he just pushes me away. He said he wed be great friends still if something like that happens between us. It made me overthink all week. I want a baby so bad. We have been trying for 5 years. I have been pushed away from him in bed just trying to snuggle, sex, foster care was brushed off and this IUI I may or may not get isn't really catching his eye either it seems. I told my mom I didn't really wanna make him watch me die, maybe just a divorce. I even have a guy friend that I can't get off of my mind. I kinda regret not giving him a chance. I just feel so bad for him all the time, maybe that's what it is.
So, I just want prayer for my dad, my family, my health, and my marriage. Its just so hard. Its like my mind goes everywhere. I make something out of it and I run with it, like its the truth. Sorting out marriage issues tonight. Advice welcome, judgment can pass.