Just Vent A Little...With Questions That Need Answers (Same as in other forums)

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

Sometimes I just really hate how my mind thinks. Like, I know that I'm attractive, and so are others. However, I have a hard time letting myself accept that it's ok for my bf to find others attractive. I mean, I know that is normal, just my mind struggles with it because of my low self esteem. I tell myself that it is normal, but I get angry inside. Somehow my mind says that if others are attractive, then I can't be. I know this isn't true....but it causes such conflicts. It's a paronia. Just like I can't understand how there are people who are afraid of clowns, most people can't understand this. It is very difficult for me though....I'm trying hard to work on this...yet I don't understand...women tell me that their boyfriends/husbands don't look at other women. Yet, I'm unsure of what this means. Does this mean that they don't notice that the women that they see every day in stores, etc, are attractive? Do they not notice when other women are attractive? What's the difference between looking and just noticing? Or is there one?

 

[Singing Bush]

I've only known one guy that I can say with any amount of confidence that would not "look at other women." And by that phrase I mean he wouldn't even just naturally linger his gaze slightly longer at a woman he found physically attractive than any other woman. He just seemed to have very little physical response to the visual female for whatever reason (and that was always just a little bit off to me... but I digress.) Anyway, whenever I hear women say "Oh my man doesn't look at other women" I usually think they're either in denial or using a much more involved definition of the phrase. My experience is obviously somewhat limited, however, and it may entirely be true that there is a class of male that just doesn't even "look at women" as a knee jerk response. I tend to believe they're called "eunuchs" though.

 

[plum]

I don't think it's the full and total truth when someone says their man doesn't even look at any other women. They might be free from lust, but I wouldn't go so far as to think any straight mankeeps his eyes on the ground all day.

Jealousy is a subtle disease usedby the Evil One, the Accuser. He can use your doubts, suspicions, and fear against you and your relationship even at subtle, seemingly innocent levels. Please be aware that love is not jealous... per 1 Cor 13 (ah that famous chapter!)... but it is truly a good point to hold onto. And Adonai can free you from the agony of jealous fear... and help you grow in trust with your boyfriend.... it can be done!

 

[Sketcher]

It's impossible not to notice that women are attractive. We can however, choose to let our eyes and minds linger on them or not. Lingering of course brings lust in short order. But if your bf does not linger, or fights it when he does for a second or two, you don't have a thing to worry about.

 

[ummidrinkcherrycoke]

Your B/F sounds like an ass and I say that not because of this thread but the others that you've posted. He feeds you all the lines, tells you it's normal and then acts like little girl when you tell him that you don't like some of the things he does. My opinion stays the same dump him. He's a loser.

 

[Apollonian]

If you are frustrated about the way your mind works, and you feel your emotions may be getting in the way. The following link may be helpful and I encourage you to read and apply it:

http://www.mindtools.com/stress/rt/CognitiveRestructuring.htm

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

 

[Bunnaroo]

1) The man who doesn't look is dead. Really! Guys are programmed to appreciate the beauty of God's female creation. I have to echo the other posts. As long as he doesn't linger too long, or start to lust...

2) You are setting up a false dichotomy. I.e. If the other woman is attractive, then I must not be. There isn't an either/or as far as feminine beauty. Now, you have to avoid the next pitfall: "But I'm not a beautiful as she is!" I saw a poster the other day. It showed a hawt swimsuit model in a pose to show off everything she had. the caption read: "Reality Check: At some time, someone, somewhere, has been tired of putting up with her (censored)."
3) If this is only symptomatic of your BF's problems with you, as ummidrinkcherrycola mentioned, you probably need to search for a better match for you. Remember, "dating" is the interview process for the post of Spouse.

 

[BOJAX]

1) The man who doesn't look is dead. Really! Guys are programmed to appreciate the beauty of God's female creation. I have to echo the other posts. As long as he doesn't linger too long, or start to lust...

2) You are setting up a false dichotomy. I.e. If the other woman is attractive, then I must not be. There isn't an either/or as far as feminine beauty. Now, you have to avoid the next pitfall: "But I'm not a beautiful as she is!" I saw a poster the other day. It showed a hawt swimsuit model in a pose to show off everything she had. the caption read: "Reality Check: At some time, someone, somewhere, has been tired of putting up with her (censored)."
3) If this is only symptomatic of your BF's problems with you, as ummidrinkcherrycola mentioned, you probably need to search for a better match for you. Remember, "dating" is the interview process for the post of Spouse.

hahah I've heard that little saying intelligently crafted into a nice little joke. Same punchline.

 

[Singing Bush]

But my husband has never once had so little disrespect for me as to "check out" other women. That is total and completely bunk and disrespect.

I am curious, did he ever "check out" women before he met you?

My husband grew up with a total respect for women from the get go and I think this is important. Too many parents are forgetting to teach their male children respect for women. They assume its something they learn naturally perhaps. My husband managed to learn that respect all on his own (his father was no help, but my husband still managed to learn respect for women anyway) but a lot of guys don't seem to be able to do that without help.

You say this is "respect" as opposed to a simple lack of interest on his part, but how do you know it's "respect?" Has he told you such? Has he consciously made the decision that, though he'd like to, he wont look at an attractive woman with any hint of feeling personal physical attraction himself.

My husband is not dead, nor is he gay, nor is he anything negative.

And hopefully no one would suggest that. I myself am not asking you the questions I am to be critical or hostile, but because as I said, I've only known one guy that I can say with any confidence did not ever "look" at girls. I'm interested to hear about others.

And as an additional question if I may, , what exactly are your definitions of "looking" and "checking out?" Are they synonymous?

 

[Jazake]

I have this friend who I find attractive but were just friends and its gona stay like that. But she tells me once in a while that she finds these other guys are attractive and for some reason deep down it does sorta feel like I am not very attractive or not worth her time you know, I know exactly what you mean. But yea of coarse you just have to pray about it that is the Evil one at work in your and my heart telling you those things and making you jealous. Im sure you are a very attractive girl and obviously your BF thinks so too, but you have know that is the way God designed us to be attracted to the opposite sex, if he continues to lust and pursue that feeling, that is where it becomes wrong. But dont worry about it Im sure you are attracted to other guys also doesnt mean your gonna leave him for those other guys. As long as you keep it within God's plans you wont fail.

 

[Bunnaroo]

Complete and total bunk.

...Especially when taken out of context. The rest of my statement pointed out the differences between seeing, staring at, and lusting after a woman.

For the record, women are not 50% of the population, they are 51% according to the most recent estimates. Guys, we are the minority.

I am glad you have a hubby that is disciplined enough to make you feel as if you are the only woman in the world. You are truely blessed.