My husband and I were shopping in Future Shop last night, and as we were about to leave, a man and a woman had their shopping cart positioned diagonally in the entrance/exit while their child stood in the child seat of the cart and they tried to coax her to sit down. Between the position of the cart and the position of their bodies, they were blocking the entrance/exit and no one could get in or out. They seemed completely oblivious to the people waiting for them to move, and all their attention was focussed on their uncooperative child. This went on for quite some time.
Believe it or not, my intention here is not to criticize them. I know from years of babysitting and teaching Sunday School that dealing with an uncooperative child is very difficult and frustrating, and it's not something I've ever been very effective at. But the whole thing triggered a discussion between me and my husband. He said to me as we finally drove away, "I don't think I could handle that. I just don't have the patience." And I agreed. I admire those who have the strength and the patience to be parents, but I am not one of them. It is probably wrong for me to be this way, and I am probably bad and flawed, but I don't know how to be any different.
Honestly, until the last few years, I had such a miserable life. Although my parents have changed a lot and are good people now, when I was a kid, they were insane. And since I was a highly sensitive and unattractive child, I was not treated well by many of my peers. Not only that, but just about every bad thing that could happen to a person, has happened to me. I don't mean to indulge in a pity-party here, but I have been bullied, raped, beaten, and verbally abused. I have been a victim of robbery, of stalking, of psychological abuse, and of threats (and these are all separate incidents, not just one bad day where a lot of bad things happened). I have also dealt with freakish physical problems and health issues.
But finally, life is happy and peaceful. When God blessed me by bringing my husband into my life, he brought me a peaceful life as well. I am truly happy now. But at the same time, I feel like my mental and emotional energy was drained during all those years of misery, and I just don't have any left. I almost think I could have handled having kids when I was 20, because I was still energetic back then. I wasn't happy, but I was energetic and competent and still somewhat idealistic (in spite of everything I'd already been through). But now, I'm too old. I know most people aren't too old at 33, but because of all I've been through, I am too old already. I just want to enjoy this peace that God has given me. I can't handle anything more. I know that may sound selfish, but I give myself selflessly to my husband every day, so I am not entirely selfish. (I was even willing to try to have children back when it was something my husband thought he wanted.)
So, I don't want kids. To be honest, I don't want anything more than what I have right now. I am content. Some people think that's bad. I should be doing more to contribute to the world, to society, to the future. But any ability I had to contribute to the world has been long beaten out of me. I just want peace now. I just want quiet. I just want to enjoy this life that God has, in His mercy, given to me.
Maybe I am a terrible person (after all, I won't give my mother-in-law the grandchildren she desperately wants), but as I said before, I don't know how to be any different. Does God fault me for this? Maybe He does. But I believe He sees the big picture. He knows what I've been through. He knows the things that have made me the way I am. He knows that I try to live for Him to the best of my ability. He knows that I'm a good wife to my husband, and that at least with my marriage, I'm doing one thing right. He knows my flaws, but he also knows my heart and my intentions. And I believe He is merciful.
Believe it or not, my intention here is not to criticize them. I know from years of babysitting and teaching Sunday School that dealing with an uncooperative child is very difficult and frustrating, and it's not something I've ever been very effective at. But the whole thing triggered a discussion between me and my husband. He said to me as we finally drove away, "I don't think I could handle that. I just don't have the patience." And I agreed. I admire those who have the strength and the patience to be parents, but I am not one of them. It is probably wrong for me to be this way, and I am probably bad and flawed, but I don't know how to be any different.
Honestly, until the last few years, I had such a miserable life. Although my parents have changed a lot and are good people now, when I was a kid, they were insane. And since I was a highly sensitive and unattractive child, I was not treated well by many of my peers. Not only that, but just about every bad thing that could happen to a person, has happened to me. I don't mean to indulge in a pity-party here, but I have been bullied, raped, beaten, and verbally abused. I have been a victim of robbery, of stalking, of psychological abuse, and of threats (and these are all separate incidents, not just one bad day where a lot of bad things happened). I have also dealt with freakish physical problems and health issues.
But finally, life is happy and peaceful. When God blessed me by bringing my husband into my life, he brought me a peaceful life as well. I am truly happy now. But at the same time, I feel like my mental and emotional energy was drained during all those years of misery, and I just don't have any left. I almost think I could have handled having kids when I was 20, because I was still energetic back then. I wasn't happy, but I was energetic and competent and still somewhat idealistic (in spite of everything I'd already been through). But now, I'm too old. I know most people aren't too old at 33, but because of all I've been through, I am too old already. I just want to enjoy this peace that God has given me. I can't handle anything more. I know that may sound selfish, but I give myself selflessly to my husband every day, so I am not entirely selfish. (I was even willing to try to have children back when it was something my husband thought he wanted.)
So, I don't want kids. To be honest, I don't want anything more than what I have right now. I am content. Some people think that's bad. I should be doing more to contribute to the world, to society, to the future. But any ability I had to contribute to the world has been long beaten out of me. I just want peace now. I just want quiet. I just want to enjoy this life that God has, in His mercy, given to me.
Maybe I am a terrible person (after all, I won't give my mother-in-law the grandchildren she desperately wants), but as I said before, I don't know how to be any different. Does God fault me for this? Maybe He does. But I believe He sees the big picture. He knows what I've been through. He knows the things that have made me the way I am. He knows that I try to live for Him to the best of my ability. He knows that I'm a good wife to my husband, and that at least with my marriage, I'm doing one thing right. He knows my flaws, but he also knows my heart and my intentions. And I believe He is merciful.