Just some personal thoughts about my life...

Amélie Unbound

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My husband and I were shopping in Future Shop last night, and as we were about to leave, a man and a woman had their shopping cart positioned diagonally in the entrance/exit while their child stood in the child seat of the cart and they tried to coax her to sit down. Between the position of the cart and the position of their bodies, they were blocking the entrance/exit and no one could get in or out. They seemed completely oblivious to the people waiting for them to move, and all their attention was focussed on their uncooperative child. This went on for quite some time.

Believe it or not, my intention here is not to criticize them. I know from years of babysitting and teaching Sunday School that dealing with an uncooperative child is very difficult and frustrating, and it's not something I've ever been very effective at. But the whole thing triggered a discussion between me and my husband. He said to me as we finally drove away, "I don't think I could handle that. I just don't have the patience." And I agreed. I admire those who have the strength and the patience to be parents, but I am not one of them. It is probably wrong for me to be this way, and I am probably bad and flawed, but I don't know how to be any different.

Honestly, until the last few years, I had such a miserable life. Although my parents have changed a lot and are good people now, when I was a kid, they were insane. And since I was a highly sensitive and unattractive child, I was not treated well by many of my peers. Not only that, but just about every bad thing that could happen to a person, has happened to me. I don't mean to indulge in a pity-party here, but I have been bullied, raped, beaten, and verbally abused. I have been a victim of robbery, of stalking, of psychological abuse, and of threats (and these are all separate incidents, not just one bad day where a lot of bad things happened). I have also dealt with freakish physical problems and health issues.

But finally, life is happy and peaceful. When God blessed me by bringing my husband into my life, he brought me a peaceful life as well. I am truly happy now. But at the same time, I feel like my mental and emotional energy was drained during all those years of misery, and I just don't have any left. I almost think I could have handled having kids when I was 20, because I was still energetic back then. I wasn't happy, but I was energetic and competent and still somewhat idealistic (in spite of everything I'd already been through). But now, I'm too old. I know most people aren't too old at 33, but because of all I've been through, I am too old already. I just want to enjoy this peace that God has given me. I can't handle anything more. I know that may sound selfish, but I give myself selflessly to my husband every day, so I am not entirely selfish. (I was even willing to try to have children back when it was something my husband thought he wanted.)

So, I don't want kids. To be honest, I don't want anything more than what I have right now. I am content. Some people think that's bad. I should be doing more to contribute to the world, to society, to the future. But any ability I had to contribute to the world has been long beaten out of me. I just want peace now. I just want quiet. I just want to enjoy this life that God has, in His mercy, given to me.

Maybe I am a terrible person (after all, I won't give my mother-in-law the grandchildren she desperately wants), but as I said before, I don't know how to be any different. Does God fault me for this? Maybe He does. But I believe He sees the big picture. He knows what I've been through. He knows the things that have made me the way I am. He knows that I try to live for Him to the best of my ability. He knows that I'm a good wife to my husband, and that at least with my marriage, I'm doing one thing right. He knows my flaws, but he also knows my heart and my intentions. And I believe He is merciful.
 

snoochface

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Well, Orchard, you probably know what I'm going to say. You are by far one of the best people I know on this forum, and there is not a damn thing wrong with you. You're not flawed, you're not bad, you're not selfish, you're not any of that -- not anymore than the rest of us are. You have so much good in you, and the irony is I don't think you even know it. :hug:

How anyone could know what you've been through and fault you for not wanting children is beyond me. You have every right to live your life with the peace and happiness that God has blessed you with. Your husband was a gift from God to you, and along with that came the change of heart your husband had about wanting kids. I don't think that was any coincidence. I think that was a gift from God too.

A million :hug: :hug: :hug: to you.
 
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Rebekka

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Well, Orchard, you probably know what I'm going to say. You are by far one of the best people I know on this forum, and there is not a damn thing wrong with you. You're not flawed, you're not bad, you're not selfish, you're not any of that -- not anymore than the rest of us are. You have so much good in you, and the irony is I don't think you even know it.

How anyone could know what you've been through and fault you for not wanting children is beyond me. You have every right to live your life with the peace and happiness that God has blessed you with. Your husband was a gift from God to you, and along with that came the change of heart your husband had about wanting kids. I don't think that was any coincidence. I think that was a gift from God too.

A million :hug: :hug: :hug: to you.
What she said.:amen: I agree 100%!

I'm so so sorry that you had to go through all that, and I totally understand that you just want peace and quiet. I don't think that's selfish at all. People should walk in your shoes and have your memories first before they judge you.

And I feel that way too, very often - I'm not ambitious, I don't want much from life, I just want it to continue the way it is. Bullying and all those other nasty things, and I would think especially rape (which I haven't experienced), can detach a person from society, so it doesn't surprise me that you don't want to contribute to society. I feel like that very often actually.

:groupray:
 
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RunnerGirl

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... So, I don't want kids. To be honest, I don't want anything more than what I have right now. I am content. Some people think that's bad. I should be doing more to contribute to the world, to society, to the future. But any ability I had to contribute to the world has been long beaten out of me. I just want peace now. I just want quiet. I just want to enjoy this life that God has, in His mercy, given to me. ...

Wow, Orchard, you need to give yourself a big hug. You are NOT a terrible person. And I really want to thank you for posting this. I see SUCH a similarity between you and my husband - he had a very difficult childhood and it seems like one thing after another went wrong for him. He has used your exact words with me - he just wants PEACE in his life. I've had a hard time understanding that, but reading your story, it makes more sense. Sometimes we're blind to those we're closest to because we want to deny the pain they went through. So thank you for that. Also, just because youre not having children doesn't mean you're not contributing to society and the world!!! I'd like someone to tell me I'm not contributing to society because Im not having kids just so I could point at their children and thank them for their contribution to our overpopulation/energy shortage/global warming, etc. problems...... (of course, I would never say that to anyone unless I was antagonized first ;) )

Hmmph. Makes me mad anyone would ever make you feel that way.

:hug: Hug.
 
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Amélie Unbound

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Sorry, I didn't mean to abandon my own thread. :sorry: I was just feeling a bit emotional and needed to take a break from it. But thank you, Fuzzymel, Snoochface, RebekkaH, and RunnerGirl for the encouraging words. I needed that.

This forum is actually the best forum I've ever been involved with. The people here are so wonderful and supportive (not to mention intelligent and articulate). It's ironic that a lot of non-childfrees characterize childfrees as being selfish or unloving, when I have seen more love and support and acceptance in this forum than in any other I've participated in. I think we childfrees are a pretty fantasic bunch of people, if I may say so myself. :D


And I really want to thank you for posting this. I see SUCH a similarity between you and my husband - he had a very difficult childhood and it seems like one thing after another went wrong for him. He has used your exact words with me - he just wants PEACE in his life. I've had a hard time understanding that, but reading your story, it makes more sense. Sometimes we're blind to those we're closest to because we want to deny the pain they went through. So thank you for that.

Wow, thanks for sharing this. God works in mysterious ways, and maybe that's why I felt like sharing yesterday. I'm so glad I could (unknowingly) help! :blush:


Also, just because youre not having children doesn't mean you're not contributing to society and the world!!!

Well, actually, there's more to it than just not having children. There's also the fact that I have no career (or even a job right now). Most women have a career and kids, and others choose either career or kids, and here I have neither! It's funny when I meet new people and they say, "What do you do?" When I say I'm a SAHW, they say, "Oh, how many kids do you have?" When I say none, there's this confusion in their eyes, like, "Hmmm, well, what category can I put her in then? She's not a career woman, and not a mom, so what is she? I don't have a box for her!" ^_^

All I want to do is go back to school and learn things, but I can't even do that until we're more settled somewhere. My husband's doing a postdoctoral fellowship right now, and we will likely have to move again when it's finished. But I can imagine myself being a perpetual student, because all I want to do is read and learn.

I guess I should be thankful that at least my husband is contributing to society through his physics research and teaching. I'm the woman behind the man, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those women who thinks that women should stay at home! This is the way it's worked out for me, just because I don't know what I'm doing with myself, but to each her own! I greatly admire those who are out there!

Sometimes I think that this is the way it's meant to be (for us) though. My husband and I are kind of unusual people, and it seems to work well for him to be working and for me to be at home, in spite of the fact that we have no kids. We both have our limitations, and we balance each other out well. For example, he can't drive, so I drive him to work and back each day. He needs me to be available for that. And because his work takes up so much time and mental energy, he's not really capable of household management-type stuff, like remembering to pay bills, etc. Neither one of us is good at multi-tasking. So, he concentrates on his career, and I take care of everything else. It's good that I'm here at home, because I think things wouldn't go well for us if I had a career to focus on too. By me taking care of him and our household, he's completely free to use all his brain power for physics. So in a way, I'm contributing to the world by being a support to him so that he can contribute to the world. To most people, that might sound like a stretch, but it makes perfect sense to us.

And I'm content at home. I don't get bored or lonely. I just enjoy the peacefulness of it.
 
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Epoh99

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Very powerful post, Orchard, and it was very brave of you to share. I think it will touch more lives than you realize. I feel strongly that someone may even just wander through here, read your testimony, and be encouraged or even have his or her life changed. You may never know the impact of what you've posted but you could easily change a life without even knowing it. (I'm not trying to dramatize your post at all but it's something I've experienced on another board I participated on only a couple of times. Something I shared and thought nothing of ended up changing a woman's life. She sent me a PM, we started talking, and actually have become best friends and have visited each other several times.)

I encourage you to keep doing what is right for you and your husband. Who cares what others think if you don't work outside the home or have children. As long as you are doing what God wants you to do and what is right for your marriage you will be blessed. I have spent too many years trying to please others and am working on doing what makes God, my husband, and myself happy. It's tough but as you know we only need to answer to God.

The mindset people have is sad; that if you don't fit into the tiny box they have created you are not worthwhile. You are a contribution to society no matter what others may think! I know that you have impacted several of us on this forum and have been not only a blessing but also an encouragement. I feel that the small things make the biggest impact on society; silent prayer for a stranger you see, a smile to someone that seems troubled, a kind word to a cashier, even paying your bills on time all contribute to and impact society.

Just keep being you, Orchard, we love you and God loves you just as you are! :hug:
 
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RunnerGirl

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...All I want to do is go back to school and learn things, but I can't even do that until we're more settled somewhere. My husband's doing a postdoctoral fellowship right now, and we will likely have to move again when it's finished. But I can imagine myself being a perpetual student, because all I want to do is read and learn....

...I guess I should be thankful that at least my husband is contributing to society through his physics research and teaching. I'm the woman behind the man, I guess. ...

I dont think you need to justify it at all! Being the "woman behind the man" is actually a huge deal. Not to mention, every time you go out into the world you make a contribution - if you smile at someone at the grocery store or are kind to a stranger while on a walk, I see that as making a positive contribution to society. Few enough people are even kind to others these days. Just reading your posts on this forum I think you're a very empathetic kind soul. I'd bet money you've made a big difference in a lot of people's lives that you dont even know about!! And I think it would be great if at some point you could manage to go back to school. Im finishing my Masters degree right now -- it was tough to "go back" after so many years out of university, but Im so grateful I've done it.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing. I've really been thinking about what you said about needing peace in your life. In some ways, I'm not so good at "creating" that peace that my husband needs (after a long day or a hard situation, he really just wants quiet and some time to re-center himself, and it's hard for me to give him that). Im starting to get a better understanding of how that helps him and why he needs it. (Im more of a bounce off the walls kind of person and I used to take it personally that he couldnt handle that sometimes). Ah, it's such a learning process, this whole marriage thing, isnt it?! :p
 
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snoochface

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Wow, Orchard, talk about God working in mysterious ways! :eek: (I'll explain in a minute....)

But first, I totally agree that this is a fantastic forum, filled with awesome, smart, fun, caring, loving Christians. Not to get all sappy or anything, but I love you guys. I always know that no matter what is going on in my life, I will get support here. I can't say that for most other places on the net (the other exception being the Lost sub-forum here on CF -- those folks are fantastic too).

Back to my original point. I want to tell a little story about myself. I will try to keep it short (for me at least) ;)

I am 7 years older than you. I was getting married at age 33, and at the time I was working in a career I'd been in for 11 years (not the one I went to college for, I never used that degree) and I was seriously burned out. I've mentioned this before, but the year I got married was a tumultuous one for me. My dad died four days after the wedding, we had to get my mother Alzheimer's care, my parents' house was sold (the house I grew up in), my own home had to be sold since I'd moved in with my husband, we got a puppy, and I had a falling out with my oldest sister that we still have not recovered from. Oh, and a big huge brouhaha with the Catholic diocese in my area right after my dad's funeral.

In the middle of all that, I could not handle staying in this burned-out career, so my husband encouraged me to quit, work part-time doing admin work, and go back to school. I did that, and after a couple of years I quit working altogether to focus on getting my second degree.

In the middle of all that I got an anxiety disorder. 9/11 happened, I was still sort of reeling from everything that had happened the year before, and it was slow catching up with me, but catch up it did. After I graduated, with a cumulative 4.0 and summa cum laude, I could have - and did, briefly - gotten an awesome job in a new career that I would enjoy.

I did get a job pretty quickly. I was there a week before I quit. They talked me into staying and even set me up to work from home, and I stayed another week and a half before I quit the second time. Giving them two week's notice, I worked that job for just over a month.

I have not gone back to work since. I've dealt with the anxiety issues and I feel like I could work if I wanted to. But I don't really know, at 40 years of age, what I want to do when I grow up. A pastor at my church asked me once what my passion was. The only answer I had was, my husband.

I am passionate about him - I don't mean just in a sexual way, I mean I enjoy looking after him, I enjoy taking care of him, taking care of our home, our bills, managing our life. I'm good at it, I have a routine down, it gives me time to do some volunteer work with our church, run errands, get the shopping done, cook, etc. And me doing all those things means we don't have to do them on our off-time, so we have more time to spend together in the evenings and on weekends. It works for us.

I have the same problem, though, when people ask me what I do. I hate that question because I feel so awkward trying to answer it. I go through the same thing you do, with the follow-up kids question, and then people give me a look like, "Well what do you do with yourself all day?" I think they all think I sit around eating bon-bons all day long, LOL. I have been very insecure about not having a job outside of the house, it's affected my self-esteem, and my sense of self-worth, and when I have to address that question with somebody it just intensifies those feelings because of their reaction.

Granted, I do get a lot more free time, so I can play some too - that's why I get to be on CF a lot. But I work at home, I take care of my husband and my home and our life, and that is an important job. If I'd been working, I wouldn't have been able to just pick up and fly out to Minnesota when my step-daughter needed her family with her, on a moment's notice. We're going to be moving from the east coast to the west coast probably within a year, and me being home allows me to go through years' worth of crap and throw things out, pack things up, simplify the process. All of that is important to us.

The thing is, I don't think I ever saw how important a job it was until I read your post. I started seeing you talk about how you can drive your husband to work and back, and the things you are able to handle for your household, and I was thinking, "Well, that's working right there, and that's important work because it's for your family." And then the light bulb turned on and I was like, "Waaaaaait a minute, I do that too..... and it's important for us and our family, too.... maybe my life isn't this worthless mess I've thought it was all this time."

I need to stop now because I'm short on time, and this is puh-lenty long enough already. I just wanted to let you know, in my verbose and loquacious way (aren't I redundant?), that you have helped me just by starting this thread. And that right there is just more evidence of your value, your goodness, and how cool I think you are. :cool:
 
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RunnerGirl

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Very powerful post, Orchard, and it was very brave of you to share. I think it will touch more lives than you realize...

...I know that you have impacted several of us on this forum and have been not only a blessing but also an encouragement. I feel that the small things make the biggest impact on society; silent prayer for a stranger you see, a smile to someone that seems troubled, a kind word to a cashier, even paying your bills on time all contribute to and impact society.

Just keep being you, Orchard, we love you and God loves you just as you are! :hug:

Okay Epoh, we cross posted and had *exactly* the same thing in mind!! ^_^ It's so true though. We just dont realize how the littlest things in our own world make the biggest difference in someone else's....
 
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bluebug83

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I dont think you need to justify it at all! Being the "woman behind the man" is actually a huge deal. Not to mention, every time you go out into the world you make a contribution - if you smile at someone at the grocery store or are kind to a stranger while on a walk, I see that as making a positive contribution to society.
Agree completely! :thumbsup: I think that God does intend for all of us to contribute to society in some way, but that way is so different for so many people. He also only expects of us what He gives us the gifts to do - to some that is a little, to some that is a lot.

I know I have lamented about a similar kind of thing before, about how I'm very shy and introverted and have anxiety around people I don't know well. It seems like there is so much emphasis on Christianity to go around preaching to every stranger you meet, and that's not me at all.

My husband's had some very encouraging things to say to me about that kind of thing. Like how a long time ago a girl in his class said a harsh one-line comment to him after he said something stupid, and how that was a huge wake up call to change some of the things he said or did for the better. He said doesn't remember her name, but that she'll never know the strong impact that one little thing she said had on him. Or how, you may never go out and become a big preacher like Billy Graham, but you may be a close confidant and supporter of someone that will go out and become the next Billy Graham - without you, what they became wouldn't have been possible (Orchard, this seems to be how you describe yourself to your husband). The movie "It's a Wonderful Life" also comes to mind :)

And I can also understand the need to take a "rest" in life. Though my life experiences haven't been that bad, college did knock a lot of the wind out of me. It's been almost three years, but I still love being able to come home and watch TV and not have to worry about doing homework or anything like that.
 
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Amélie Unbound

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Just keep being you, Orchard, we love you and God loves you just as you are!

Epoh99, thank you, for everything you said.

I feel that the small things make the biggest impact on society; silent prayer for a stranger you see, a smile to someone that seems troubled, a kind word to a cashier, even paying your bills on time all contribute to and impact society.


I dont think you need to justify it at all! Being the "woman behind the man" is actually a huge deal. Not to mention, every time you go out into the world you make a contribution - if you smile at someone at the grocery store or are kind to a stranger while on a walk, I see that as making a positive contribution to society. Few enough people are even kind to others these days. Just reading your posts on this forum I think you're a very empathetic kind soul. I'd bet money you've made a big difference in a lot of people's lives that you dont even know about!!

Thanks, Epoh99 and RunnerGirl. I've never really thought of it that way before, but when you put it like that, I totally see what you mean. I agree that a lot of people aren't kind to each other these days. Maybe most people are too busy and stressed to think about those small kindnesses to others.


And I think it would be great if at some point you could manage to go back to school. Im finishing my Masters degree right now -- it was tough to "go back" after so many years out of university, but Im so grateful I've done it.

RunnerGirl, that's great that you're doing it! Yeah, it's really something I look forward to, but at the same time I know it will be tough. My husband's a great encourager of this dream of mine, and I know he'll be really supportive when the time comes, and that will help a lot.

Anyway, thank you again for sharing. I've really been thinking about what you said about needing peace in your life. In some ways, I'm not so good at "creating" that peace that my husband needs (after a long day or a hard situation, he really just wants quiet and some time to re-center himself, and it's hard for me to give him that). Im starting to get a better understanding of how that helps him and why he needs it. (Im more of a bounce off the walls kind of person and I used to take it personally that he couldnt handle that sometimes). Ah, it's such a learning process, this whole marriage thing, isnt it?!

RunnerGirl I can't help wondering if your husband's an introvert, because he kind of sounds like one. Some introverts act outgoing, and some don't, but how you can really know someone's an introvert is by their need to have quiet time to themself when they need to recharge (sorry if I'm telling you things you already know... this subject is a strong interest of mine). If he is an introvert, the book The Introvert Advantage might help you understand him even better. Introverts' brains are actually wired differently from extroverts'!


Wow, Orchard, talk about God working in mysterious ways!

Snoochface, wow, thank you for sharing everything that you've shared. It sounds like you and I have even more in common than I'd realized! I too got very stressed out when I was in the work force (although I wouldn't call what I was doing a "career"). There have been times when I've wondered if I have an anxiety disorder, but all the reading I've done on the subject leads me to feel that that label doesn't really fit. It's more like I'm just an introvert and an extreme HSP (the description of which fits me perfectly). Although who knows, maybe a doctor would disagree and say that I have an anxiety disorder as well. All I know is I'm happy when I live a quiet, peaceful life, and unhappy and stressed when I'm forced to be out in the world, dealing with people all day.

A pastor at my church asked me once what my passion was. The only answer I had was, my husband.

Snoochface, I can totally relate to that. There are two things I'm good at: Being a good wife, and being a good friend. Oddly enough, in spite of everything I've been through, I seem to excel at relationships. Go figure.

I am passionate about him - I don't mean just in a sexual way, I mean I enjoy looking after him, I enjoy taking care of him, taking care of our home, our bills, managing our life. I'm good at it, I have a routine down, it gives me time to do some volunteer work with our church, run errands, get the shopping done, cook, etc. And me doing all those things means we don't have to do them on our off-time, so we have more time to spend together in the evenings and on weekends. It works for us.

I can totally relate!

I have the same problem, though, when people ask me what I do. I hate that question because I feel so awkward trying to answer it. I go through the same thing you do, with the follow-up kids question, and then people give me a look like, "Well what do you do with yourself all day?" I think they all think I sit around eating bon-bons all day long, LOL. I have been very insecure about not having a job outside of the house, it's affected my self-esteem, and my sense of self-worth, and when I have to address that question with somebody it just intensifies those feelings because of their reaction.

Snoochface, I hate that question too! In fact, it seems like all the questions people ask when they're first trying to get to know a person, zero right in on everything that's (supposedly) wrong with me. There are some great things about me (my self-esteem isn't totally unhealthy; I know what my strengths are), but they're not usually the things people find out from their initial questions!

And I have actually had people ask me what I do all day. One man at church (back in Ontario) said to me, "Seriously, what do you do all day? Give me an itinerary. You get up in the morning and then...?" I was stunned. I could have told him everything I do (make my husband's lunch, drive my husband to work, go to the gym, run errands, spend time online, read, intercede in prayer for others, do laundry, indulge my photography hobby, manage our finances, etc.), but really, was it any of his business?

Honestly, sometimes I find that there's not enough time in the day to do everything I want to. I don't know how other people manage.

I was just thinking, it's funny, when I meet people, I almost never ask people what they do. When I'm getting to know someone, I want to know what they think about things, not what they do. A person's job doesn't define them. So many people are in jobs they don't like or aren't suited for, so I don't think knowing what a person does for a living really tells me a lot about them. I think there are two things that really define a person: What they think, and how they treat other people. Everything else is just extra.

Oh, by the way, I recently met a woman at church who, after she asked what I do and how many kids I have, she asked (with a perplexed look on her face), "Well, do you have any hobbies then?" ^_^ I actually thought that was kind of cool, even though I still felt she was trying to categorize me. But at least that's one question I can answer.

Granted, I do get a lot more free time, so I can play some too - that's why I get to be on CF a lot. But I work at home, I take care of my husband and my home and our life, and that is an important job. If I'd been working, I wouldn't have been able to just pick up and fly out to Minnesota when my step-daughter needed her family with her, on a moment's notice. We're going to be moving from the east coast to the west coast probably within a year, and me being home allows me to go through years' worth of crap and throw things out, pack things up, simplify the process. All of that is important to us.

Snoochface, I can definitely relate to that, since as you know, my husband and I recently moved across country so he could take this job. I single-handedly packed up our belongings and arranged everything for our move. And of course, I single-handedly drove us across three time zones! It made me feel good that I was able to take care of all that so my husband could concentrate on his work right up until it was time to leave. He often works about 15 hours a day, so he just doesn't have time to worry about extra things.

The thing is, I don't think I ever saw how important a job it was until I read your post. I started seeing you talk about how you can drive your husband to work and back, and the things you are able to handle for your household, and I was thinking, "Well, that's working right there, and that's important work because it's for your family." And then the light bulb turned on and I was like, "Waaaaaait a minute, I do that too..... and it's important for us and our family, too.... maybe my life isn't this worthless mess I've thought it was all this time."

It's funny how we'll accept (or even admire!) things in other people that we have trouble accepting in ourselves. (I can think of several instances where I've done that very thing.) I'm glad that you could see value in what I'm doing with my life:blush:, and through that recognize the value of what you're doing in your life too! I'm so glad we can support each other like this!

I need to stop now because I'm short on time, and this is puh-lenty long enough already. I just wanted to let you know, in my verbose and loquacious way (aren't I redundant?), that you have helped me just by starting this thread. And that right there is just more evidence of your value, your goodness, and how cool I think you are.

Thank you Snoochface! :blush: I'm so glad I could (again unknowingly) help!

Oh, and by the way, you may have noticed that I tend to be a bit verbose myself. ;)

I know I have lamented about a similar kind of thing before, about how I'm very shy and introverted and have anxiety around people I don't know well. It seems like there is so much emphasis on Christianity to go around preaching to every stranger you meet, and that's not me at all.

Oh wow, Bluebug83, do I ever know what you mean! That's not me either! I'm simply incapable of that kind of thing. But I recently saw a book on Amazon that I'm eager to read called Evangelism for the Rest of Us: Sharing Christ within Your Personality Style . It'll be interesting to see what it has to say!

Thanks, Bluebug83, for everything you said.

Thank you all for the amazing encouragement. I feel so accepted here. I can't thank you all enough.
 
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Galadriel

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What an intersting thread!

I just want to say, I think it is great that you can have some peace in your life. I mean what could be better than having peace of mind about where you are at in life, and finally to not have to be a wreck because of all the stuff you are getting dragged through.

I know what you mean too about the awkwardness about the question "so what do you do?" I do work, but sometimes its even like thats not enough, its almost like with some people if your schedual isn't jam packed to the max then you are somehow "sloughing off" or something? Then again if you and your husband are a-ok with things, then really it isn't anyone else's business how you go about things. Sometimes people are just so quick to judge.

I'm glad though that you are happy with things. That is wonderful!
 
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Rebekka

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Not to mention, every time you go out into the world you make a contribution - if you smile at someone at the grocery store or are kind to a stranger while on a walk, I see that as making a positive contribution to society. Few enough people are even kind to others these days. Just reading your posts on this forum I think you're a very empathetic kind soul. I'd bet money you've made a big difference in a lot of people's lives that you dont even know about!! And I think it would be great if at some point you could manage to go back to school. Im finishing my Masters degree right now -- it was tough to "go back" after so many years out of university, but Im so grateful I've done it.
That's funny, me too! About going back to uni, I mean. I'm finishing my Masters too! And I agree with the rest of your post and with what the others have said - Orchard, I enjoy reading your posts and you are a blessing to all of us!

Orchard said:
Snoochface, I hate that question too! In fact, it seems like all the questions people ask when they're first trying to get to know a person, zero right in on everything that's (supposedly) wrong with me. There are some great things about me (my self-esteem isn't totally unhealthy; I know what my strengths are), but they're not usually the things people find out from their initial questions!

And I have actually had people ask me what I do all day. One man at church (back in Ontario) said to me, "Seriously, what do you do all day? Give me an itinerary. You get up in the morning and then...?" I was stunned. I could have told him everything I do (make my husband's lunch, drive my husband to work, go to the gym, run errands, spend time online, read, intercede in prayer for others, do laundry, indulge my photography hobby, manage our finances, etc.), but really, was it any of his business?

Honestly, sometimes I find that there's not enough time in the day to do everything I want to. I don't know how other people manage.

I was just thinking, it's funny, when I meet people, I almost never ask people what they do. When I'm getting to know someone, I want to know what they think about things, not what they do. A person's job doesn't define them. So many people are in jobs they don't like or aren't suited for, so I don't think knowing what a person does for a living really tells me a lot about them. I think there are two things that really define a person: What they think, and how they treat other people. Everything else is just extra.
I could have written this! That's exactly how I feel about it!!! I never ask people what they do (usually I don't care - it's not really that important!), and I hate to be asked! Yes that putting people into boxes thing is annoying! I'm a student right now, but I don't have a job on the side, most people assume I do nothing all day. Yawn.

Snoochface, I recognized so much of what you said! My husband is my main passion too. (Others are cats and other animals, reading literary fiction, and cooking - but I don't want to have anything to do with these things on a professional level!) I'm not ambitious at all. I think I'm a great amateur at certain things, but I would make a lousy professional. That's just not my strength. And as soon as something is "for real", for money or for school etc., it scares the hell out of me. (And I even excel at uni - it's a comfort to know I'm not the only excellent student who doesn't want a career! People always assume that I'm stupid or unintelligent because I haven't graduated yet - no, there are other stumbling blocks, but my brain works fine, thank you very much!)

I love this subforum too! We have a wonderful community here!!! :groupray:

By the way Orchard, interesting that your husband is a physicist. My brother has a PhD in nuclear physics (I don't understand a single thing of his research!) - he's now making a career change to teaching (physics) because of major RSI he couldn't do the computer work anymore.

What surprises me is that so many childfree people here have so many things in common - and not only that, but they are uncommon things to encounter in day-to-day life. I think that explains why many people don't understand the childfree: we are uncommon, and either being childfree is a result from our (rare) personalities or there is another relationship between the two. People always assume towards their own character, towards their own world/life/etc. That's why they assume you will get bored when you're a SAHW (especially without kids) - THEY would get bored so they assume you will. They want or have kids, so they assume you want them and if you don't, there's something wrong with you. They work hard in their careers to pay for the mortgage, cars, expensive holidays, kids, expensive hobbies (nothing wrong with that BTW), and they assume that you do or want to, too - so if you don't, you're a slacker.

Etc.

I think that's all I wanted to say right now and I hope that CF won't kick me off as it did ten minutes ago. :)mad: )
 
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snoochface

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I'm not ambitious at all. I think I'm a great amateur at certain things, but I would make a lousy professional. That's just not my strength. And as soon as something is "for real", for money or for school etc., it scares the hell out of me. (And I even excel at uni - it's a comfort to know I'm not the only excellent student who doesn't want a career! People always assume that I'm stupid or unintelligent because I haven't graduated yet - no, there are other stumbling blocks, but my brain works fine, thank you very much!)

Yeah, this is exactly me. I'm the one friends and family come to with all their computer troubleshooting, I'm the one who knows Windows inside and out, I'm the one who can zip together a quick javascript when someone needs something for their website or blog -- I like to say I have just enough knowledge to be dangerous. ;)

But the thought of doing this stuff professionally scares the crap out of me, because even though I know more than the average joe, I don't know near enough to make a living out of it, and there are tons of way more talented and knowledgeable people than me.

I have a big fear of failure. If I don't know that I will succeed, or even be one of the best at something, I would rather not try it at all. That's how my lack of ambition manifests in my life.

And yeah, I think I'm smart enough. But you know, I stand next to people sometimes, and I feel like a total idiot, because I don't live the societal expectation of "normal" women my age. I feel like people look at me as very odd, out-there, outspoken and opinionated, yet without the credentials to back me up.

It's all a perception thing, how other people perceive me, but more importantly how I perceive other people perceiving me. It's that whole self-esteem thing. It happened again last night at my home fellowship group.

What surprises me is that so many childfree people here have so many things in common - and not only that, but they are uncommon things to encounter in day-to-day life. I think that explains why many people don't understand the childfree: we are uncommon, and either being childfree is a result from our (rare) personalities or there is another relationship between the two. People always assume towards their own character, towards their own world/life/etc. That's why they assume you will get bored when you're a SAHW (especially without kids) - THEY would get bored so they assume you will. They want or have kids, so they assume you want them and if you don't, there's something wrong with you. They work hard in their careers to pay for the mortgage, cars, expensive holidays, kids, expensive hobbies (nothing wrong with that BTW), and they assume that you do or want to, too - so if you don't, you're a slacker.

I think that actually explains quite a lot. I notice so many similarities in the people in this sub-forum, our personalities and how we view life, and it's astonishing to me. I think there may be something to what you said, yes. It makes a lot of sense.
 
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Rebekka

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I have a big fear of failure. If I don't know that I will succeed, or even be one of the best at something, I would rather not try it at all. That's how my lack of ambition manifests in my life.
I have a huge fear of failure too. It's exactly the same for me. It's one of the reasons why it's taking me years to finish my degree - I'm afraid it will not be good enough (and anything less than a cum laude is not good enough). I have trouble finishing things even though (no, because) I try to be exhaustive* - I hate leaving things unfinished yet that happens a lot.




*which you might have noticed from my longwinded posts.;)
 
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Epoh99

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Okay Epoh, we cross posted and had *exactly* the same thing in mind!! ^_^ It's so true though....

Great minds think alike! :D

snoochface said:
I have a big fear of failure. If I don't know that I will succeed, or even be one of the best at something, I would rather not try it at all....


Snooch you described me 100%. I have a terrible fear of failure and even stupid things I don't like to try unless I know I can be the best. Here's an example: my in-laws (whom I have lots of trouble with) love playing card games. I don't know how to play any of the card games and they're constantly trying to get me to play. I won't join in since I don't already know the games and don't want to be the worst player out there. I also get super nervous while watching Wheel of Fortune on TV. I'm very good at figuring out the puzzles BUT when I'm watching it with other people and we're all trying to figure out the puzzle I get very anxious because I want to be the first one to get it so badly! Those are just a couple of things that I think are so stupid but I'm afraid to fail at.

Oh, I just thought of another one. I've never bowled and it's because I'm afraid I'll be a failure at it. Back in college I was very active in my church college group. The students would always go bowling. I'd go with but I'd just sit and watch. :doh:

I think RebekkaH made a good point about how unique we all are and how we share unique traits. I lurked but rarely participated in christian forums until this childfree forum came about (thanks to Snooch for getting it for us!). I feel so comfortable with all of you and I know from all of your posts that even if I said something one of you didn't agree with you would disagree lovingly and I would't feel attacked. I think that Orchard and Snooch feeling comfortable to share their testimonies is evidence of this.

:hug: to you all!
 
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