Just some personal thoughts about my life...

[RunnerGirl]

Oh, I just thought of another one. I've never bowled and it's because I'm afraid I'll be a failure at it. Back in college I was very active in my church college group. The students would always go bowling. I'd go with but I'd just sit and watch.

It's just too bad we all don't live in the same corner of the world -- we really should take you bowling!!!

This thread has been so enlightening. Although I see a lot of differences between me and "you guys" (Im very extroverted, love being around people and noise, and would go go go all the time if I could...), I see SO many similarities between you all and my hubby (we balance each other out - he's taught me to chill). I think I will pick up that book on the introverted mind. I know a bit about the subject because the MA degree Im finishing is actually in Psychology. (Im working on getting my license to practice psychotherapy. ) Hmmm, maybe I could add working with childfree couples into my specialty...

Oh, and off topic, but I wanted to share that I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and freaking out and woke up in a panic. I think my subconscious mind is finally on board with "we DON'T want a baby!!!"

Happy Friday!
-annie

 

[Epoh99]

It's just too bad we all don't live in the same corner of the world -- we really should take you bowling!!!

Thanks for the laugh. Your comment made me laugh out loud.

 

[bluebug83]

Oh wow, Bluebug83, do I ever know what you mean! That's not me either! I'm simply incapable of that kind of thing. But I recently saw a book on Amazon that I'm eager to read called Evangelism for the Rest of Us: Sharing Christ within Your Personality Style . It'll be interesting to see what it has to say!

Wow, I need to check that out! I've toyed with the idea of writing a book someday about how introverts can serve God, once I'm a little wiser and have some content in mind

One book I had a therapist recommend to me was The Introvert Advantage:

http://www.amazon.com/Introvert-Adv...8918549?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1173482652&sr=1-1

It's honestly been so long since I read it that I can't remember much about it, but I do remember liking a some of the stuff in there.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

I'm glad though that you are happy with things. That is wonderful!

Thank you!

Orchard, I enjoy reading your posts and you are a blessing to all of us!

Thank you!

I think I'm a great amateur at certain things, but I would make a lousy professional. That's just not my strength. And as soon as something is "for real", for money or for school etc., it scares the hell out of me.

I could have written this! I've even said this very thing to my husband.

And I even excel at uni - it's a comfort to know I'm not the only excellent student who doesn't want a career! People always assume that I'm stupid or unintelligent because I haven't graduated yet - no, there are other stumbling blocks, but my brain works fine, thank you very much!

I'm the same way. I always did well in school (academically, anyway... the social aspect was another matter). To be perfectly honest, I have an IQ that puts me into the "gifted" category, so I'm certainly not intellectually deficient either, in spite of my lack of achievement in life, and in spite of the fact that I often come across as stupid when I speak to people. (I communicate far better in writing than I do in speaking.)

But in spite of my high IQ, I often feel like I'm only intelligent enough to be aware of how much I don't know.

By the way Orchard, interesting that your husband is a physicist. My brother has a PhD in nuclear physics (I don't understand a single thing of his research!) - he's now making a career change to teaching (physics) because of major RSI he couldn't do the computer work anymore.

My husband's field is theoretical atomic and molecular physics. I don't have an aptitude for physics, but I've learned a lot just by listening to him talk about his work. It is very interesting. He's hoping to get a permanent faculty position at a university, so that he can do both research and teaching. Well, he's actually doing research and teaching right now as a postdoctoral fellow, but that's not permanent. We have no security or stability yet.

What surprises me is that so many childfree people here have so many things in common - and not only that, but they are uncommon things to encounter in day-to-day life.

I'm amazed by that too! It's something I've been noticing and thinking about for a while, actually.

I think that explains why many people don't understand the childfree: we are uncommon, and either being childfree is a result from our (rare) personalities or there is another relationship between the two. People always assume towards their own character, towards their own world/life/etc. That's why they assume you will get bored when you're a SAHW (especially without kids) - THEY would get bored so they assume you will. They want or have kids, so they assume you want them and if you don't, there's something wrong with you. They work hard in their careers to pay for the mortgage, cars, expensive holidays, kids, expensive hobbies (nothing wrong with that BTW), and they assume that you do or want to, too - so if you don't, you're a slacker.

Well said. I think you nailed it.

I have a big fear of failure. If I don't know that I will succeed, or even be one of the best at something, I would rather not try it at all. That's how my lack of ambition manifests in my life.

I'm the same way. But I think I have a fear of success too. I don't want to be looked down upon, but I don't want to be envied, either.

It's all a perception thing, how other people perceive me, but more importantly how I perceive other people perceiving me.

That's my problem right there. I actually think that my self-esteem is fairly healthy... as long as I'm left alone and don't have to talk to other people! But as soon as I'm around other people, even though I may not think I'm an idiot or a loser, I become aware that they think I'm an idiot or a loser.

I also feel that way about my appearance. I look in the mirror, and I think I look fine, but then I'll be with other people and they'll make comments about my weight or how short I am or how I look about 12 years old (?!) and I start feeling freakish and ugly.

It's that whole self-esteem thing. It happened again last night at my home fellowship group.

What happened at your home fellowship group?

Here's an example: my in-laws (whom I have lots of trouble with) love playing card games. I don't know how to play any of the card games and they're constantly trying to get me to play. I won't join in since I don't already know the games and don't want to be the worst player out there. I also get super nervous while watching Wheel of Fortune on TV. I'm very good at figuring out the puzzles BUT when I'm watching it with other people and we're all trying to figure out the puzzle I get very anxious because I want to be the first one to get it so badly! Those are just a couple of things that I think are so stupid but I'm afraid to fail at.

I'm the same way. I avoid playing games, because I feel stupid and embarrassed if I lose. But I also feel horrible if I win, because if I win, it means someone else has lost, and then my empathy kicks in and I feel bad for the person who has lost. I just can't play games.

I think I will pick up that book on the introverted mind. I know a bit about the subject because the MA degree Im finishing is actually in Psychology. (Im working on getting my license to practice psychotherapy.) Hmmm, maybe I could add working with childfree couples into my specialty...

Oops. I feel embarrassed now! I have no formal education or training in psychology, and here I am explaining introversion to you! Please forgive me. I just get carried away talking about subjects that are close to my heart.

Oh, and off topic, but I wanted to share that I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and freaking out and woke up in a panic. I think my subconscious mind is finally on board with "we DON'T want a baby!!!"

lol

Wow, I need to check that out! I've toyed with the idea of writing a book someday about how introverts can serve God, once I'm a little wiser and have some content in mind

That's a great idea. I think you should write a book on that topic. I'd read it.

By the way, I actually just ordered the evangelism book last night. I'll let you know what I think of it after I read it.

 

[snoochface]

What happened at your home fellowship group?

My insecurity reared its ugly head.

It's probably stupid, and I feel a little self-conscious about it, but... I trust you guys.

I've only been a Christian for about 3 years (this month, in fact) but in that time I feel like I have grown a lot. I love to learn the Bible, I listen to Bible lessons on my iPod or on the radio all the time, and I feel like I've learned a lot. I still have a long way to go, but I've come far enough that I have my own feelings, beliefs, and opinions about certain issues.

That's background information because I am in a home fellowship group with a bunch of lifetime Christians. They were raised in church, they grew up with doctrine - Southern Baptist doctrine, at that - being pounded into their heads, and... I'm not sure how to word this. I don't relate to them, really. I feel like I'm a lot more down-to-earth than they are. And because I haven't been taught what to believe, and only believe what I think the Bible supports, I don't believe some of the things they believe (at least not now - I am totally okay with having my mind changed if it can be shown to be supported by scripture, my husband has done it a bunch of times.)

Anyway. I'm having a hard time explaining this. Because I am pretty anti-organized-religion, and they are all hard-core Southern Baptists, I sometimes question the things they believe because, in my reading of the Bible, I don't see what they see to support their beliefs. And, I think I have a fresh perspective on some issues because I'm still new at all this and haven't been in church my whole life, learning how to speak "Christianese" and to believe things just because it's "what we believe".

But when I bring things up, I feel like I am always the odd man out. My husband tends to believe the same things I do, but he's not outspoken and willing to confront like I am. So last night was just one more time - one more of many - that an issue came up where I felt completely differently from everyone else, and was outspoken about it.

I'm afraid I come off as opinionated, which I guess I am, but I get the feeling that they think every time we talk about stuff, I'm the voice of dissension. I'm the "trouble-maker", I'm the one who comes across as negative, because I'm always the one who disagrees.

It's not about big stuff. Last night, it was more than usual - three different issues where I was alone (with my husband, who always eventually speaks up to support me, but still... just us). But even when it's small things, I feel like I'm really leaving a horrible impression, and they aren't getting to know the other side of me. I go home and analyze everything to death, I go over every single word I said in my mind, how they responded, how it may have looked on their end, and I sometimes just hate myself for even speaking up. Yet, I can't seem to help it, because when I see something I think isn't right, I feel compelled to not just go along with the pack.

This is why I have such horrible social anxiety, LOL. I can't get through a fellowship meeting without stressing for three days later over all the things I may have said wrong.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Because I am pretty anti-organized-religion, and they are all hard-core Southern Baptists, I sometimes question the things they believe because, in my reading of the Bible, I don't see what they see to support their beliefs.

Well, I guess it won't surprise you by now to find out that we have yet another thing in common. I have the same issue. Although I've been a Christian for a long time, and I grew up being taught about Jesus, we were never big church goers (at least, not for long periods of time, but that's kind of a long story). So I'm usually coming from a different place than the people whose only experience of Christianity has been through, and at, church. I've always been one to read the Bible for myself, and have a personal relationship with God (in the true sense), rather than being a blind follower of the church. So at home group meetings, I always have the same kind of issue, where other people are spouting all their righteous churchy Christianese, while I'm trying to bring things back to what the Bible actually says (which I happen to be very knowledgable about, since I have a lot of time on my hands to read). I went through a time in my twenties when I was very outspoken about things, and it did not go well. It's gotten to the point where I try not to speak up anymore because it's not even worth it.

 

[Epoh99]

...But when I bring things up, I feel like I am always the odd man out. My husband tends to believe the same things I do, but he's not outspoken and willing to confront like I am. So last night was just one more time - one more of many - that an issue came up where I felt completely differently from everyone else, and was outspoken about it.

I'm afraid I come off as opinionated, which I guess I am, but I get the feeling that they think every time we talk about stuff, I'm the voice of dissension. I'm the "trouble-maker", I'm the one who comes across as negative, because I'm always the one who disagrees.

... I go home and analyze everything to death, I go over every single word I said in my mind, how they responded, how it may have looked on their end, and I sometimes just hate myself for even speaking up. Yet, I can't seem to help it, because when I see something I think isn't right, I feel compelled to not just go along with the pack...

Everything you wrote above, Snooch (I hope you don't mind that I keep abbreviating your name, I feel like I kind of know you now so I just call you Snooch. ) I could have written 100%.

My husband and I were in a Young Marrieds class and the class actually broke up partly because of me. My husband and I are the same way as you and your husband--he's quiet and reserved, I'm outspoken and loud. Every Sunday in class there was some issue that I had to speak out about (once I got the nerve to say something, see before saying anything in class I get really nervous and my heart starts beating really fast) and I was the only one saying anything. One Sunday we got into a huge discussion about Calvinism. The teachers weren't saying anything and I was the only student "arguing" with the other students. My husband after class said he agreed and couldn't believe what the other class member were saying but it was a little late as everyone else already thought I was a trouble maker (or at least that's what I think they thought). Two couple left the class because of that discussion and a couple weeks later the class disbanded.

A few months ago a Young Families class was started and of course every single week somehow the attention was drawn to me and I would be the only one with a certain opinion. We quit going to that class and now go to a large class where there are no discussions. The teacher just teaches.

Of course after every incident I would rehash it over and over AND OVER in mind. I'd worry and fret and feel sick to my stomach all over again. Even now in ministry when we have meetings it seems like I'm the one always stirring things up but when things are wrong and the ministry is suffering I feel I need to mention it because everyone else looks the other way. But then I look like the bad guy and I start fretting all over again.

Don't feel stupid and self-conscious! I understand!!!

 

[snoochface]

Man, I wish y'all lived near me, or I lived near you. Can you imagine the kind of home-group -- or heck, even small community church -- we could put together??

I feel really blessed to have stumbled upon a group of people who get each other the way we all do. More and more, I'm amazed at the similarities between us. I've always felt like the outsider, but I don't here.

You know, all this could be God's way of encouraging us, letting us know he does have a purpose for us, that he made us this way for a reason. He uses the outspoken ones, the ones who search scripture for truth, the ones who aren't afraid to speak up when they see something wrong -- he's using us. And being able to encourage and support each other here, and just to have found all these similarities between us all, is a gift.

Now I'm going to sleep before I gush myself into tears.

Oh, btw, I call myself Snooch all the time, so feel free!

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Man, I wish y'all lived near me, or I lived near you. Can you imagine the kind of home-group -- or heck, even small community church -- we could put together??

That would be wonderful!

I'm just thankful that the internet exists, and we can use it to find like-minded people to share with and find mutual support and acceptance. This forum is such a blessing.

 

[lin1235]

the whole thing triggered a discussion between me and my husband. He said to me as we finally drove away, "I don't think I could handle that. I just don't have the patience." And I agreed. I admire those who have the strength and the patience to be parents, but I am not one of them. It is probably wrong for me to be this way, and I am probably bad and flawed, but I don't know how to be any different.

Actually, I disagree. I think it's fantastic where someone recognises that they won't be able to handle having kids, and hence chooses not to have kids. The world is filled with unhappy kids who are the result of couples not being able to recognise that in themselves, and then having kids whilst unable to provide in the kids' needs. Even if your choice not to have kids had no basis in the bad experiences you've had - in fact, even if you've had the best childhood and life ever, and you recognised that having kids would be a bad choice for you, then I say kudos to you. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you wrong. It makes you mature enough to decide for yourself, regardless of what others may or may not expect.

 

[Epoh99]

Actually, I disagree. I think it's fantastic where someone recognises that they won't be able to handle having kids, and hence chooses not to have kids. The world is filled with unhappy kids who are the result of couples not being able to recognise that in themselves, and then having kids whilst unable to provide in the kids' needs. Even if your choice not to have kids had no basis in the bad experiences you've had - in fact, even if you've had the best childhood and life ever, and you recognised that having kids would be a bad choice for you, then I say kudos to you. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you wrong. It makes you mature enough to decide for yourself, regardless of what others may or may not expect.

If there was an award for best post from a non-childfree I would nominate this post. Thank you for your very compassionate words.

The part of your post I bolded describes me exactly! Your understanding is appreciated!

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Actually, I disagree. I think it's fantastic where someone recognises that they won't be able to handle having kids, and hence chooses not to have kids. The world is filled with unhappy kids who are the result of couples not being able to recognise that in themselves, and then having kids whilst unable to provide in the kids' needs. Even if your choice not to have kids had no basis in the bad experiences you've had - in fact, even if you've had the best childhood and life ever, and you recognised that having kids would be a bad choice for you, then I say kudos to you. It doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you wrong. It makes you mature enough to decide for yourself, regardless of what others may or may not expect.

Thank you so much for saying this! I wish everyone were as understanding and tolerant as you are.

God bless you.

 

[snoochface]

So, you know that home fellowship group I was talking about? There's a new, older couple who have only been coming for a few months, so I don't know them very well yet. I think they mean well, but maybe don't have a lot of social skills? Anyway, she made me feel really bad tonight by asking, in all seriousness, and with a big happy grin on her face, "So, do you just stay home and play all day then, since you don't work?"

I know she didn't mean it to sound like it did, but it boggles my mind sometimes how little people think before they speak.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

So, you know that home fellowship group I was talking about? There's a new, older couple who have only been coming for a few months, so I don't know them very well yet. I think they mean well, but maybe don't have a lot of social skills? Anyway, she made me feel really bad tonight by asking, in all seriousness, and with a big happy grin on her face, "So, do you just stay home and play all day then, since you don't work?"

I know she didn't mean it to sound like it did, but it boggles my mind sometimes how little people think before they speak.

Oh no. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't help thinking that when people say things like that, even if they say it lightheartedly, there's actually a bit of resentment there. She might wish she could be in your shoes, but it's not feasible for her, so she comes out with these snarky little comments.

Do you mind if I ask how you replied? I never know how to reply to things like that. It almost seems like there's no right way to answer.

 

[snoochface]

Oh no. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can't help thinking that when people say things like that, even if they say it lightheartedly, there's actually a bit of resentment there. She might wish she could be in your shoes, but it's not feasible for her, so she comes out with these snarky little comments.

Do you mind if I ask how you replied? I never know how to reply to things like that. It almost seems like there's no right way to answer.

I don't mind, and you're right, there is no right answer, not one that sounds right to me anyway. No matter what I say, or how I say it, I feel like I'm either coming off as defensive, smart-alecky, or downright snarky.

I was a little taken aback, which probably showed in my face, and I hesitated a second before I answered. I just said, "Well, I stay home all day, but I'm not playing -- I'm working."

She actually followed that up with, "Oh, what do you do then?" I wanted really badly to get my point across, so I started out by saying that I do volunteer work for the church, and I work with the seniors, and I was about to go on and itemize the zillion other things I do so she'd get the point that I do work, but she interrupted me. She asked me what I did with the seniors, and then I got so side-tracked it was pointless to try to go back. I did try to summarize by saying at the end, "So no, I'm not playing, I do work all day" but her attention had already moved on to something else.

Sorry, Orchard, I feel like I'm derailing your thread with my little pity party here

 

[Amélie Unbound]

I don't mind, and you're right, there is no right answer, not one that sounds right to me anyway. No matter what I say, or how I say it, I feel like I'm either coming off as defensive, smart-alecky, or downright snarky.

I was a little taken aback, which probably showed in my face, and I hesitated a second before I answered. I just said, "Well, I stay home all day, but I'm not playing -- I'm working."

She actually followed that up with, "Oh, what do you do then?" I wanted really badly to get my point across, so I started out by saying that I do volunteer work for the church, and I work with the seniors, and I was about to go on and itemize the zillion other things I do so she'd get the point that I do work, but she interrupted me. She asked me what I did with the seniors, and then I got so side-tracked it was pointless to try to go back. I did try to summarize by saying at the end, "So no, I'm not playing, I do work all day" but her attention had already moved on to something else.

Sorry, Orchard, I feel like I'm derailing your thread with my little pity party here

No, you're not derailing the thread at all! First of all, needless to say, the thread has evolved a bit since the first post, and what happened to you is completely relevant to what we're discussing here.

It makes me a bit angry that you were put in the position of feeling you had to justify yourself to that woman. Why do people do that to others? And what business is it of hers anyway? I always start doing the same thing you did, trying to explain my life to people, but I resent that I have to.

I think if anyone accused me of playing all day I would be really frustrated, because I've never been one to play. I've always been a very serious-minded person, even as a child! Most of what I fill my time with is serious stuff (reading, studying, etc.). There's little I hate more than being misunderstood. People can think what they will of me, and if they think less of me because of my faults, so be it... as long as what they're thinking is the truth. Does that make any sense?

Anyway, hugs for you, for having to go through that tonight.

 

[Epoh99]

...in all seriousness, and with a big happy grin on her face, "So, do you just stay home and play all day then, since you don't work?" ...

Man, Snooch, sorry that happened to you. I truly don't understand how people can be so thoughtless.

... I can't help thinking that when people say things like that, even if they say it lightheartedly, there's actually a bit of resentment there...

Great point, Orchard. I agree but never think of that when it happens to me. I get irritated and flustered when I guess I should feel sorry for the person.

...It makes me a bit angry that you were put in the position of feeling you had to justify yourself to that woman. Why do people do that to others? And what business is it of hers anyway? I always start doing the same thing you did, trying to explain my life to people, but I resent that I have to...

I am just like you and Snoochface. I've lived my whole life feeling like I have to justify my decisions (like working at a job that is below my education and abilities), my education (I was homeschooled), and even my name (all growing up people would say, "You mean you like your name?"). People need to just live and let live.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Great point, Orchard. I agree but never think of that when it happens to me. I get irritated and flustered when I guess I should feel sorry for the person.

Don't get me wrong, I get irritated and flustered too! Feeling like I know what's fueling a comment like that doesn't make it any less of an assault, or any easier to deal with.

I am just like you and Snoochface. I've lived my whole life feeling like I have to justify my decisions (like working at a job that is below my education and abilities), my education (I was homeschooled), and even my name (all growing up people would say, "You mean you like your name?"). People need to just live and let live.

I feel like I have to justify my name too! In my case, it's my married last name. I took my husband's name, and that apparently shocks people, because it's very long and hard to spell (for some people), and is therefore considered to be undesirable. People have told me I should have just kept my very simple and common maiden name. I get comments on it all the time, even from clerks when I'm renewing my driver's license, and other people like that.

 

[snoochface]

I've given up on the whole name thing. My given-name is unusual and hard for a lot of people to spell or pronounce (although I don't really understand why, it's phonetic) so ever since high school I have used a nickname. Most people don't even know my real first name, unless they see it on my license or some other official document.

I get so tired of justifying every little thing to people who think if you're not just like them, there must be something wrong with you.

Thanks, guys, for your support and understanding. It means a lot to me.

 

[Amélie Unbound]

Wow, I need to check that out! I've toyed with the idea of writing a book someday about how introverts can serve God, once I'm a little wiser and have some content in mind

I've finally read the book I mentioned previously, Evangelism for the Rest of Us: Sharing Christ Within Your Personality Style.

It talked about how we introverts can use our particular strengths, such as communicating our faith in writing rather than in speaking, and ministering to others within our long-term friendships rather than feeling we have to preach at every single stranger who crosses our path.

I thought it was really good. In fact, it said a lot of the things that I've been saying and thinking for years, and advocated the lifestyle that I'm already living.

So I guess I didn't really learn much from it, but it did confirm to me that I'm okay.