I have to get this stuff off my chest. I figure this forum is the best place to vent it, since my experience of you guys so far has been very positive and comforting.
Where do I start? I guess I just need to rant about what this so-called "journey to faith", or more realistically, "plummet into insanity", has done to me recently.
It's like... faith is supposed to be this glorious thing, but to me it just seems like this nexus of contradictions and fears. One minute, you're being told God loves you. The next minute, you're a sinner and going to Hell. One minute, I'm reading that our acts and deeds don't decide whether we go to heaven. The next, I'm scared to order a prawn sandwich in a restaurant because I've read this article about how Christians ought to obey Levitican law because it's God's word.
And worse than that, my life hasn't been enriched recently. It has been destroyed. I haven't started seeing God's splendour in everything and feeling inclined to love people. No, rather, I've come to loathe the world, and treat life with utter indifference. I try to relax, sit back, watch a DVD of my favourite sitcom; yet, suddenly, I realise that the jokes are sexual, that the characters have no religious conviction, that the lifestyle and humour being advocated is what makes modern society hellbound, and I have to switch it off, pace the room, slide into terror again.
I try to read books, but then modern literature is secular, and instead of enjoying the narrative, I'm thinking about discussions I've heard of the end times, how the world has turned from God, and this sick sick thought of Satan's power being behind entertainment creeps into my mind, and I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I look around me and see nothing but fear-inducing sin, a world doomed to damnation according to Christianity. And do I feel saved? Does my heart dance with delight in the Lord? No, I feel sick to my stomach, I wish I was born in a simpler age, and I walk down the street gazing with sadness at everything around me which, Christianity tells me, is a sin. I see girlfriends and boyfriends, loved up, holding hands in the park; normal, happy 21st century couples. And I wonder, is their pre-marital sex going to condemn them to perpetual torment? I chat to gay friends, and bite me lip, wondering, what if? What if they are an abomination? What if my chilled out, tolerent, anti-homophobic attitude is wrong?
My friends ask me if I'd like to go out. I just see meaning in nothing. If all we are truly created for is to live, what, a maximum of 100 or so years, then we have a judgement and go one way or the other for a timescale incomprehensible to our frail human minds; who cares then, if a good movie has come out, or if it's sunny or raining, or anything else? What's the point of comedy, of literature, of music, of dancing, of anything, if we really are just created to spend a couple of decades auditioning for some role of which, ultimately, we're told none of us are worthy. Why would I want to go shopping, or write an essay, or go for a walk, or anything, if ultimately this life is nothing more than a test to decide whether we're going up or down?
And then there's the contradiction of humility and faith. Isn't it a bit self-righteous to proclaim ourselves saved? Then to say "but we're still sinners"... I mean, what? I'm going to continue sinning, whether I come through this half-journey to faith or not. I'm going to continue having sex before marriage. I cannot feel convinced not to. I am going to continue my sarcastic and mildly insulting humour which makes people laugh. I am going to eat ham, and prawns, and wear clothes without checking whether they're made of mixed materials. I'm told to love life, to enjoy the gift the Father gave me; then I'm told that the things which make me happy are a direct rebellion against God.
Why did God give us personalities, if they drive us from him? I am sarcastic. I am daft. I make crude remarks. I enjoy going out, having a bit too much to drink, talking nonsense, taking photos of myself and friends being ridiculous and having a whale of a time, and waking up in the morning groaning at my own silliness. I don't sleep around, and I don't want meaningless sex. However, when I feel a connection with someone, if it's a moment of passion with a friend, or the start of a relationship, sex to me is meaningful. It's a physical expression of attraction. I don't go out and sleep with strangers. I use contraception. By 21st century, average-joe standards, I'm fairly moral sexually. But religion is telling me I'm a vile fornicator, bound for Hell. I don't want to wait until I'm married. I don't only want sex with one person, for procreation. But I'm being told by other people that God wants me to do that. I'm being told that drunkenness is a sin, as is masturbation, as is my general outlook on life; that of a mildly crazy student, making the most of life, being happy, trying to be nice to people and help people, giving change to the homeless, making time for family and friends, smiling at people on the street... you know, being generally loving. But as for the purity and seriousness... it's directly contradictory to my nature.
I have a moral core. I f*ck up sometimes, don't we all. I mean, I'm swearing on a Christian forum now, pretty sure that's not great. But I don't go around trying to ruin other people's careers, or laughing at people's suffering, or being violent, or deliberately insulting people, or refusing to help others, or putting myself before others. I'm generally a very decent person, but that comes from me being happy; and I'm happy because I live my life including the drunken nights, the occasional sexual encounter, the pretty un-PC sense of humour, the sarcasm, the fun of putting on a posh frock and slapping on the make-up and being a bit flirtatious... I mean, if I started wearing ankle-length skirts, no make-up, stopped dying my hair, stopped drinking, took a vow of chastity, spent my days reading Scripture and shunning even the slightest whiff of Heat magazine or Bridget Jones' Diary... sure, I'd be a "good Christian". But I wouldn't be happy. And what's more, I wouldn't be me.
I don't feel like the move to faith would be me accepting Christ. It would feel like me totally denying who I am, and living a lie.
I am a horrid sinner. Aren't we all? I spent most of my adolescence as a militant atheist, mocking Christians, shunning the church, rolling my eyes at it all, doing my own thing... wasn't it St Paul who originally persecuted Christians? Well sorry folks, I'm not writing Letters to the Corinthians or whatever, just Posts to the Forums, which admittedly is marginally less powerful a title. Probably got my references wrong there; ah well. I'm pretty clueless. I'm just utterly bewildered.
I'm told the idea of salvation is "go and sin no more". Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't understand what is and isn't sin. Sex is the biggie for me at the moment; there's so much debate about "porneia" or whatever the word is, and sexual immorality, etc etc, that all I'm thinking is "but is it REALLY immoral, if it's intended as mutual expression of attraction, not just self-gratification at the expense of another?" Drunkenness is another biggie. I'm no alcoholic, but I am a young woman with a student lifestyle, who very much enjoys having a teensy bit too much wine and getting a bit daft and giggly, and cringing at photos the next day. I like to eat shellfish, I love my steak medium-rare, and I do love my bacon sandwiches (usually after aforementioned nights of alcohol...)
Christians talk about rebirth, about starting a new life. Well, I tried it. I went without alcohol for a while, I told myself I'd save sex until marriage now, I stopped fussing so much over my appearance... and did it make me a loving, caring person? No. I became depressed, irritable, and well over the borderline of insanity. My quest to live a pure, Christian life left me sitting, staring blankly into space, my friends and family despairing, trying to get me to take an interest in things which I looked on as worldly and unimportant... my attempts to contemplate morality and scripture instead turned into my constantly convincing myself that I and those around me were damned, my friends began getting irritated with me talking of nothing but issues of doctrine or moral debates between denominations. My sense of humour was lost, my sense of fun turned to guilt and fear over every little action, and the "gift" of life became a burden, as I found myself unable to remain optimistic in a world so far from Christian standards of perfection.
And what do people say to me? "we want YOU back." I am not me. I am a nervous wreck, I am a guilt-ridden mute, I am driving friends away and driving family to despair.
It all seems a bit extreme, I know. And this isn't as simple as "I'm going nuts because I'm being told to stop having sex and drinking". It may sound like that, but those are just a few examples. I've been stressed over everything from Sabbath-keeping to tithing, from homosexuality debates to wondering if those who commit suicide really have done something unforgivable. It's just this constant stream of thinking everything is wrong, that modern society has gone to the devil, and that enjoying myself in the ways that match my (usually) outgoing, quirky, eccentric and energetic personality will mean I'm defying God.
Everything just feels so meaningless. Films, TV, music, politics, books, my career... if all it comes down to is "you're going to die, be judged, spend an eternity there or THERE", I'm sorry, but my couple of decades here in this life suddenly feel so meaningless and terrifying.
This rant hasn't been as coherent as I planned for it to be. Oh well. I'll shut up for now and come back if/when I have something constructive to say.
Over and out.
Where do I start? I guess I just need to rant about what this so-called "journey to faith", or more realistically, "plummet into insanity", has done to me recently.
It's like... faith is supposed to be this glorious thing, but to me it just seems like this nexus of contradictions and fears. One minute, you're being told God loves you. The next minute, you're a sinner and going to Hell. One minute, I'm reading that our acts and deeds don't decide whether we go to heaven. The next, I'm scared to order a prawn sandwich in a restaurant because I've read this article about how Christians ought to obey Levitican law because it's God's word.
And worse than that, my life hasn't been enriched recently. It has been destroyed. I haven't started seeing God's splendour in everything and feeling inclined to love people. No, rather, I've come to loathe the world, and treat life with utter indifference. I try to relax, sit back, watch a DVD of my favourite sitcom; yet, suddenly, I realise that the jokes are sexual, that the characters have no religious conviction, that the lifestyle and humour being advocated is what makes modern society hellbound, and I have to switch it off, pace the room, slide into terror again.
I try to read books, but then modern literature is secular, and instead of enjoying the narrative, I'm thinking about discussions I've heard of the end times, how the world has turned from God, and this sick sick thought of Satan's power being behind entertainment creeps into my mind, and I'm scared, and I'm sad, and I look around me and see nothing but fear-inducing sin, a world doomed to damnation according to Christianity. And do I feel saved? Does my heart dance with delight in the Lord? No, I feel sick to my stomach, I wish I was born in a simpler age, and I walk down the street gazing with sadness at everything around me which, Christianity tells me, is a sin. I see girlfriends and boyfriends, loved up, holding hands in the park; normal, happy 21st century couples. And I wonder, is their pre-marital sex going to condemn them to perpetual torment? I chat to gay friends, and bite me lip, wondering, what if? What if they are an abomination? What if my chilled out, tolerent, anti-homophobic attitude is wrong?
My friends ask me if I'd like to go out. I just see meaning in nothing. If all we are truly created for is to live, what, a maximum of 100 or so years, then we have a judgement and go one way or the other for a timescale incomprehensible to our frail human minds; who cares then, if a good movie has come out, or if it's sunny or raining, or anything else? What's the point of comedy, of literature, of music, of dancing, of anything, if we really are just created to spend a couple of decades auditioning for some role of which, ultimately, we're told none of us are worthy. Why would I want to go shopping, or write an essay, or go for a walk, or anything, if ultimately this life is nothing more than a test to decide whether we're going up or down?
And then there's the contradiction of humility and faith. Isn't it a bit self-righteous to proclaim ourselves saved? Then to say "but we're still sinners"... I mean, what? I'm going to continue sinning, whether I come through this half-journey to faith or not. I'm going to continue having sex before marriage. I cannot feel convinced not to. I am going to continue my sarcastic and mildly insulting humour which makes people laugh. I am going to eat ham, and prawns, and wear clothes without checking whether they're made of mixed materials. I'm told to love life, to enjoy the gift the Father gave me; then I'm told that the things which make me happy are a direct rebellion against God.
Why did God give us personalities, if they drive us from him? I am sarcastic. I am daft. I make crude remarks. I enjoy going out, having a bit too much to drink, talking nonsense, taking photos of myself and friends being ridiculous and having a whale of a time, and waking up in the morning groaning at my own silliness. I don't sleep around, and I don't want meaningless sex. However, when I feel a connection with someone, if it's a moment of passion with a friend, or the start of a relationship, sex to me is meaningful. It's a physical expression of attraction. I don't go out and sleep with strangers. I use contraception. By 21st century, average-joe standards, I'm fairly moral sexually. But religion is telling me I'm a vile fornicator, bound for Hell. I don't want to wait until I'm married. I don't only want sex with one person, for procreation. But I'm being told by other people that God wants me to do that. I'm being told that drunkenness is a sin, as is masturbation, as is my general outlook on life; that of a mildly crazy student, making the most of life, being happy, trying to be nice to people and help people, giving change to the homeless, making time for family and friends, smiling at people on the street... you know, being generally loving. But as for the purity and seriousness... it's directly contradictory to my nature.
I have a moral core. I f*ck up sometimes, don't we all. I mean, I'm swearing on a Christian forum now, pretty sure that's not great. But I don't go around trying to ruin other people's careers, or laughing at people's suffering, or being violent, or deliberately insulting people, or refusing to help others, or putting myself before others. I'm generally a very decent person, but that comes from me being happy; and I'm happy because I live my life including the drunken nights, the occasional sexual encounter, the pretty un-PC sense of humour, the sarcasm, the fun of putting on a posh frock and slapping on the make-up and being a bit flirtatious... I mean, if I started wearing ankle-length skirts, no make-up, stopped dying my hair, stopped drinking, took a vow of chastity, spent my days reading Scripture and shunning even the slightest whiff of Heat magazine or Bridget Jones' Diary... sure, I'd be a "good Christian". But I wouldn't be happy. And what's more, I wouldn't be me.
I don't feel like the move to faith would be me accepting Christ. It would feel like me totally denying who I am, and living a lie.
I am a horrid sinner. Aren't we all? I spent most of my adolescence as a militant atheist, mocking Christians, shunning the church, rolling my eyes at it all, doing my own thing... wasn't it St Paul who originally persecuted Christians? Well sorry folks, I'm not writing Letters to the Corinthians or whatever, just Posts to the Forums, which admittedly is marginally less powerful a title. Probably got my references wrong there; ah well. I'm pretty clueless. I'm just utterly bewildered.
I'm told the idea of salvation is "go and sin no more". Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't understand what is and isn't sin. Sex is the biggie for me at the moment; there's so much debate about "porneia" or whatever the word is, and sexual immorality, etc etc, that all I'm thinking is "but is it REALLY immoral, if it's intended as mutual expression of attraction, not just self-gratification at the expense of another?" Drunkenness is another biggie. I'm no alcoholic, but I am a young woman with a student lifestyle, who very much enjoys having a teensy bit too much wine and getting a bit daft and giggly, and cringing at photos the next day. I like to eat shellfish, I love my steak medium-rare, and I do love my bacon sandwiches (usually after aforementioned nights of alcohol...)
Christians talk about rebirth, about starting a new life. Well, I tried it. I went without alcohol for a while, I told myself I'd save sex until marriage now, I stopped fussing so much over my appearance... and did it make me a loving, caring person? No. I became depressed, irritable, and well over the borderline of insanity. My quest to live a pure, Christian life left me sitting, staring blankly into space, my friends and family despairing, trying to get me to take an interest in things which I looked on as worldly and unimportant... my attempts to contemplate morality and scripture instead turned into my constantly convincing myself that I and those around me were damned, my friends began getting irritated with me talking of nothing but issues of doctrine or moral debates between denominations. My sense of humour was lost, my sense of fun turned to guilt and fear over every little action, and the "gift" of life became a burden, as I found myself unable to remain optimistic in a world so far from Christian standards of perfection.
And what do people say to me? "we want YOU back." I am not me. I am a nervous wreck, I am a guilt-ridden mute, I am driving friends away and driving family to despair.
It all seems a bit extreme, I know. And this isn't as simple as "I'm going nuts because I'm being told to stop having sex and drinking". It may sound like that, but those are just a few examples. I've been stressed over everything from Sabbath-keeping to tithing, from homosexuality debates to wondering if those who commit suicide really have done something unforgivable. It's just this constant stream of thinking everything is wrong, that modern society has gone to the devil, and that enjoying myself in the ways that match my (usually) outgoing, quirky, eccentric and energetic personality will mean I'm defying God.
Everything just feels so meaningless. Films, TV, music, politics, books, my career... if all it comes down to is "you're going to die, be judged, spend an eternity there or THERE", I'm sorry, but my couple of decades here in this life suddenly feel so meaningless and terrifying.
This rant hasn't been as coherent as I planned for it to be. Oh well. I'll shut up for now and come back if/when I have something constructive to say.
Over and out.
