just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

Church Signs

1) Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!
2) Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins.
3) Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!
4) An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, "For fast, fast, fast relief, take two tablets.
5) When the restaurant next to the Church put out a big sign that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
6) Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons -- come hear one!
7) Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!
8) Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday.
9) Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world.
10) If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

 

[ron4shua]

Walking on Water

A priest, an evangelist, and a minister were in a row boat in the middle of a pond fishing. None of them had caught anything all morning.

Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He comes back ten minutes later the same way.

Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore. He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.

The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he can walk on water, too. He stands up and excuses himself. As he steps out, he makes a big splash down into the water.

The evangelist looks at the minister and says,"I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were."

 

[ron4shua]

Have Faith My Child

For the umpteenth time Mrs. Youngston came to her pastor to tell him, "I'm so scared! Joe says he's going to kill me if I continue to come to your church."

"Yes, yes, my child," replied the pastor, more than a little tired of hearing this over and over. "I will continue to pray for you, Mrs. Youngston. Have faith - the Lord will watch over you."

"Oh yes, he has kept me safe thus far, only....."

"Only what, my child?"

"Well, now he says if I keep coming to your church, he's going to kill YOU!"

"Well, now," said the pastor, "Perhaps it's time to check out that little church on the other side of town."

 

[ron4shua]

Out Of Gas

A nun who works for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it there was a station just down the street. She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only can he owned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car two men walked by. One of them turned to the other and said: "Now that is what I call faith!"

 

[ron4shua]

Divine Advice

A businessman was in a great deal of trouble. His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide. As a last resort he went to a pastor and poured out his story of tears and woe.

When he had finished, the pastor said, "Here's what I want you to do, put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."

A year later the businessman went back to the pastor and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom- tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket and gave it to the pastor as a donation in thanks for his advice.

The pastor recognized the benefactor, and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.

"Absolutely," replied the businessman.

"You went to the beach?"

"Absolutely."

"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"

"Absolutely."

"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"

"Absolutely."

"And what were the first words you saw?"

"Chapter 11."

 

[ron4shua]

A Very Faithful Woman

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"

Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"

Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"

The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."

The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."

The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

 

[ron4shua]

The Fall

A man named Jack was walking along a steep cliff one day, when he accidentally got too close to the edge and fell. On the way down he grabbed a branch, which temporarily stopped his fall. He looked down and to his horror saw that the canyon fell straight down for more than a thousand feet.

He couldn't hang onto the branch forever, and there was no way for him to climb up the steep wall of the cliff. So Jack began yelling for help, hoping that someone passing by would hear him and lower a rope or something.

HELP! HELP! Is anyone up there? "HELP!"

He yelled for a long time, but no one heard him. He was about to give up when he heard a voice. Jack, Jack. Can you hear me?"

"Yes, yes! I can hear you. I'm down here!"

"I can see you, Jack. Are you all right?"

"Yes, but who are you, and where are you?

"I am the Lord, Jack. I'm everywhere."

"The Lord? You mean, GOD?"

"That's Me."

"God, please help me! I promise if, you'll get me down from here, I'll stop sinning. I'll be a really good person. I'll serve You for the rest of my life."

"Easy on the promises, Jack. Let's get you off from there; then we can talk."

"Now, here's what I want you to do. Listen carefully."

"I'll do anything, Lord. Just tell me what to do."

"Okay. Let go of the branch.""What?" "I said, let go of the branch. Just trust Me. Let go."

There was a long silence.

Finally Jack yelled, "HELP! HELP! IS ANYONE ELSE UP THERE?"

 

[ron4shua]

The Pious Woman

A flood was on its way, forcing everyone to evacuate. The police rowed up to the most pious woman in town and said, "Ma'am, you have to leave this house! People are dying out here!"

The woman replied, "No, I'm not leaving. God has always helped me before, and He will do it again."

So as the water started to rise, she went to the second story of her house. Another boat came by, and the captain yelled, "Ma'am, you have to get on this boat or you're going to drown!"

The woman replied again, "No, God helped me before, and He will do it again."

The water rose even higher. This time she went to the top of the roof, where a helicopter came and hovered overhead. The pilot called into his loudspeaker, "Please climb aboard, ma'am. You are going to drown!"

The women sniffed and again replied, "God is going to save me!"

But the water rose higher, and soon she drowned to death. She went to Heaven, and there she asked God, "Why didn't you save me, O Lord?"

And God replied, "I did help--I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"

 

[ron4shua]

Time and Eternity

A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "how long is a million years?"

God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."

The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"

God answered, "To Me, it's a penny."

The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"

God said, "In a minute."

 

[ron4shua]

The Secret Burden

A much loved-minister of God once carried a secret burden of long- past sin deep in his heart. He had committed the sin many years before, during his Bible school training. No one knew what he had done, but they did know he had repented. Even so, he had suffered years of remorse over the incident without any sense of God's forgiveness.

A woman in his church deeply loved God and claimed to have visions in which Jesus Christ spoke to her. The minister, skeptical of her claims, asked her, "The next time you speak to the Lord, would you please ask Him what sin your minister committed while he was in Bible school." The woman kindly agreed.

When she came to the church a few days later the minister asked, "Did He visit you?" She said, "Yes."

"And did you ask Him what sin I committed?"

"Yes, I asked Him," she replied

"Well, what did He say?"

"He said, 'I don't remember.'"

 

[ron4shua]

God's Omnipotence

A Sunday school teacher was asking her students some questions after a series of lessons on God's omnipotence. She asked, "Is there anything God can't do?"

All was silent. Finally, one boy held up his hand.

The teacher, on seeing this, was disappointed that they had missed the point of the lesson. She sighed and asked, "Well, what is it you think God can't do?"

The boy replied, "He can't please everybody."

 

[ron4shua]

What God Looks Like

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork. As she came to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied,. . . . "They will in a minute."

 

[ron4shua]

Where's God

Two little boys were best friends at church, but they both had a reputation for getting into trouble. One Sunday, one of the boys was home sick, but the other boy, not wanting to let his friend down, was twice as bad as normal.

As he was running through the sanctuary after church, the pastor grabbed him and angrily said, "Where's God?!"

The little boy was frightened and didn't know what to say.

The pastor continued, "I want you to go home and think about it and I don't want you to come back until you can tell me where God is."

The boy went home and called his sick friend on the telephone. "Guess what," he said. "They've lost God, and they're trying to blame that one on us, too."

 

[ron4shua]

Getting a Promotion

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion. "What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Arch-Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Arch-Bishop, it's possible for me to become a full Bishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

 

[ron4shua]

Letters To God

Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? � - Jane

Dear God,
I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying.� - Elliot

Dear God,
Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!� - Eugene

Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does "begat" mean? Nobody will tell me.� - Allison

Dear God,
Are you really invisible or is that a trick?� - Lucy

Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? � - Anita

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?� - Norma

Dear God,
Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?� - Cindy

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around countries?� - Nan

Dear God,
The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land you fool". But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - Edward

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?� - Neil

Dear God,
What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything.� - Robert

Dear God,
Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce

Dear God,
Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. � - Tom

 

[ron4shua]

God Grants a Wish

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me".

The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

 

[ron4shua]

Woops

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies, "I didn't recognize you."

 

[ron4shua]

Memo From God

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help. If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold onto it.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic; Don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work; Think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad; Think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend; Think of the man in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed his children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance; Think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror; Think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness, ignorance, smallness or insecurities; Remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!

 

[ron4shua]

Are You God

One cold evening during the holiday season, a little boy about six or seven was standing out in front of a ore window. The little child had no shoes on and his clothes were mere rags.

A young woman passing by saw the little boy and could read the longing in his pale blue eyes. She took the child by the hand and led him into the store. There she bought him new shoes and a complete suit of warm clothing.

They came back outside into the street and the woman said to the child, "Now you can go home and have a very happy holiday."

The little boy looked up at her and asked, "are you God, Ma'am?" She smiled down at him and replied, "No son, I'm just one of His children."

The little boy then said, "I knew you had to be some relation."

 

[ron4shua]

The First Stone

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them. "What's going on here, anyway?" he asked. One of the crowd responded, "This woman was found committing adultery and the law says we should stone her!"

"Wait," yelled Jesus, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."

Suddenly, a stone was thrown out from the sky, and knocked the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad ... " Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"