just kiddin'

[ron4shua]

God is Watching

Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples. It read, "Take only one, God is watching."

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies, "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."

 

[ron4shua]

God the Parent

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to God's kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam asked.

"Don't eat the Forbidden Fruit." God replied.

"Forbidden fruit? We got Forbidden Fruit?

Hey, Eve..we got Forbidden Fruit!"

"No way!"

"Where?"

"Don't eat that fruit!" said God.

"Why?"

"Because I am your Creator and I said so!" said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the 'First Parent' asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Eve answered.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"DID so!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own...thus the pattern was set, and it has never changed.

 

[ron4shua]

Letters To God 2

Dear God,
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.� - Bruce

Dear God,
If we come back as something - please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.� - Denise

Dear God,
My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha.� - Danny

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - Larry

Dear God,
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. � - Sam

Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.� - Dean

Dear God,
I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Brad

Dear God,
Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Ron

Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they?� - Marsha

Dear God,
If You watch me in Church Sunday. I'll show You my new shoes.� - Mickey

Dear God,
I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Chris

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So, I bet he stole Your idea. - Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want You to know that. I am not just saying that because You are God already. - Charles

Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (but I am not going to tell You who I am)

 

[ron4shua]

Letter To God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those theives at the Post Office.

 

[visionary]

Letter To God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check.

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few quid. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office.

No good deed goes unpunished.

 

[visionary]

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time, they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

 

[visionary]

 

[ron4shua]

Praying mind & body , prostrated before our Stone. HalleluYAH .

 

[visionary]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not rung in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with a main computer, he phoned the employee's home number and was greeted with a child's whisper, 'Hello?'

'Is your Daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes', whispered the small voice.

'May I speak to him?'

The child whispered 'No.'

Surprised and wanting to talk to an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?'

'Yes.'

'Well may I speak to her, then?' Again the small voice whispered 'No.'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman.'

Wondering what the police would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak to the policeman?'

'No, he's busy,' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,' came the whispered reply.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background coming down the phone, the boss asked 'What's that noise?'

'A helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What's going on there?' demanded the boss, now really apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team has just landed a helicopter.'

Alarmed, concerned, and a little frustrated, the boss asked 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 'ME!'

 

[visionary]

 

[ron4shua]

This story comes from the Hebrew Talmud . It's more tongue in cheek truth than funny but I think it's worthy enough to pass on . I've dabbled in both the Babylonian and Jerusalem Talmuds months on end & have never stumbled on this story . Pastor David Curtis used this as starter to his closing lines , " Believers , we have great power to influence others with the words we speak . May our influence be to build them up and not tear them down . "
Brother David claims reference ;
Paul Lee Tan , Encyclopedia of 7,700 Illustrations , Assurance Publishers , # 6387 , p. 1422.

A King sent two jesters on an errand , instruction them , " Foolish Simon , go & bring me back the best thing in the world . And you , Silly John , go & find for me the worst thing in the world ."

Both clowns were back in short order , each carrying a package . Simon bowed low & grinned .
" Behold , Sire , the best thing in the world .
" His package contained a tongue .
John snickered & quickly unwrapped his bundle .
" The worst thing in the world , Sire .
" Another tongue !

" Believers , we have great power to influence others with the words we speak .
May our influence be to build them up and not tear them down . "

 

[Yusuphhai]

A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church.
I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away.

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic.
I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"

 

[IgnatiusOfAntioch]

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

This might help: Mystery of Israel & Church : Association of Hebrew Catholics

 

[visionary]

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you… I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test isn't too hard.

Life was a big enough test as it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today an d Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.

How about the next one?' asked St. Peter, 'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve?, Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind. ...but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. , l

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME
ANDY TALKS WITH ME
ANDY TEL LS ME I AM HIS OWN

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: 'Run Forrest, run.'

 

[MWood]

A child needs a Mothers love most when he deserves it least.

A Mother never quite leaves her children at home, even when she doesn't take them along.

If at first you don't succeed, do it like your Mother told you.

 

[visionary]

What is a cow that just had a calf?
Decaffeinated

 

[visionary]

 

[ron4shua]

What Would Jesus Drive?

Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?

A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.