It's my first date

[MacFall]

What did happen to you?

Getting called a creep, told "please don't touch me", stuff like that. One girl even said "ew" and walked quickly away.

The one that really sticks out in my mind, though, is the last time I ever tried initiating physical contact with a girl. It was with a close friend in whom I had begun to take a romantic interest. We were on a long car ride, in the back seat together, and after a while I reached out to hold her hand. She didn't resist or pull back, but she just sort of froze up and stared straight ahead until I stopped touching her hand. Then she wouldn't talk to me any more after that.

One of the last times we spoke, a few weeks afterwards, I asked her about it and she denied even remembering it. That's what hurt most of all - that she found my touch so repugnant that she wouldn't even call it to mind.

Since then I've never touched a lady, even in the most brotherly, platonic way, without being invited. And not counting hugs from relatives and old ladies, I've only been invited twice in the past six years - once when a lady friend gave me a hug after I gave her my old car, and twice if you count the time that a young lady was walking alone with me through the woods at night and she got scared of an animal noise and grabbed my arm.

 

[leothelioness]

Blind post:

A kiss on the first date doesn't have to be passionate or anything. Just a simple peck or kiss on the cheek will do.

As far as the movie thing goes, I think that's usually good after you've got to know each other since you can't talk in a movie theatre and first dates are for finding out as much about that person as possible.

 

[leothelioness]

Getting called a creep, told "please don't touch me", stuff like that. One girl even said "ew" and walked quickly away.

The one that really sticks out in my mind, though, is the last time I ever tried initiating physical contact with a girl. It was with a close friend in whom I had begun to take a romantic interest. We were on a long car ride, in the back seat together, and after a while I reached out to hold her hand. She didn't resist or pull back, but she just sort of froze up and stared straight ahead until I stopped touching her hand. Then she wouldn't talk to me any more after that.

Did she know that you were romantically interested in her? More importantly, did she reciprocate said interest? If not I can certainly understand her reaction and I don't think she wanted to hurt your feelings which is why she didn't pull away and denied remembering the incident later.

Advice to the guys, though, don't try to escalate things with a girl if she hasn't first reciprocated interest.

 

[MacFall]

Did she know that you were romantically interested in her? More importantly, did she reciprocate said interest? If not I can certainly understand her reaction and I don't think she wanted to hurt your feelings which is why she didn't pull away and denied remembering the incident later.

If she wanted to avoid hurting my feelings she shouldn't have lied about it. That, to me, says that it was too horrible a memory to talk about. There's no way she couldn't have known, since I had told her, and no - she hadn't reciprocated interest openly. She said something like "I'll have to think about that". But she didn't take any steps to change our relationship. In fact she called me to go on the trip in question.

Back then, I was naive enough to believe that meant she liked me back. Now I know better.

Advice to the guys, though, don't try to escalate things with a girl if she hasn't first reciprocated interest.

Yep, that's the lesson I learned from that incident. And for me, that means "don't escalate things with a girl - period".

I am very happy for Ukrania and I'm sure he will fare better than I have. But from my past experience I am bound to advise extreme caution in initiating any physical contact, however slight.

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

So I have a first date coming up - I would consider it my first date ever. It should be fun - we're doing the dinner and a movie thing. While I've hung out with a lot of girls before, usually I've known them for awhile beforehand, and I wouldn't really classify them as dates. This is a bit different as we met on a dating site and are obviously therefore both looking for a relationship.

So let's say I really like the girl and want to show that. What do you think is an appropriate show of attraction? Would most girls kiss on the first date if it went well? If so, would a girl be expecting a lot on a first kiss? Admittedly I've never kissed a girl before, so I might not be terribly good at it, or (the horror) downright awful. Also at the movie, would most girls be fine with having the guy put their arm around her during a first date? I'm also assuming that paying for the meal is a must, right? Or am I off on that. Anyway, I'm a novice at this stuff so help a guy out. Thanks.

Congrats buddy!

I'd hold off on the first date kissing if in doubt, that can be pretty variable. I'm generally a no on that front but plenty have no problem--if she's really wanting to go for it, she'll initiate. Best to play it safe.

Arm around the girl/movie hand holding can be quite nice. Play it cool though in case she feels awkward--make a joke out of it. I remember one instance.. "Hey, I was going to tell you that my hands were cold as a way to get you to hold them, but I figured I'd just go for it." *grabs hand*

Also, you don't have to pay. Many would appreciate the offer, some would act offended if you didn't (probably not the good type). Some offer to pay for it all.. those are called "keepers".

Good luck!

 

[leothelioness]

If she wanted to avoid hurting my feelings she shouldn't have lied about it. That, to me, says that it was too horrible a memory to talk about. There's no way she couldn't have known, since I had told her, and no - she hadn't reciprocated interest openly. She said something like "I'll have to think about that". But she didn't take any steps to change our relationship. In fact she called me to go on the trip in question.

I don't think she lied to you, it's just that she was caught in an awkward situation by having the incident brought up again. What exactly does one say in that position? I likely would have reacted the same way.

And saying, "I'll have to think about that," is pretty much a girl's way of saying, "No". I don't think guys really understand just how awkward we feel when a guy is interested in us and we don't feel the same way, so cut us some slack.

Back then, I was naive enough to believe that meant she liked me back. Now I know better.

See, that was a learning experience.

Yep, that's the lesson I learned from that incident. And for me, that means "don't escalate things with a girl - period".

No, it just means make sure she likes you before you try putting the moves on her. Guys are the same way with girls they don't like. It's human.

 

[MacFall]

No, it just means make sure she likes you before you try putting the moves on her.

Sure. And she doesn't.

 

[Im_A]

One thing that I've seen on her profile is that "touch is my main love language." So I think she would definitely be fine with touching during the date and probably a kiss at the end if I am, in fact, really attracted to her (I don't know yet). Since I'm a novice at these things it does add a bit of pressure. After all, to follow through with her analogy, I don't want to be deficient at her main language.

If it is a new language to be learned, if she wants you, she has to let you become comfortable with it. Learning a new language time remember and there's nothing wrong with having to learn a new language.

It never changes even after you have gotten past your first date. Kind of the beauty of it in my opinion.

 

[Ukrainia]

I'm thinking I'm not going to do much planning for this date. We've already decided on a movie (we know what movie we're seeing) and dinner (which we've discussed but is undecided) afterwards. The main reason why, is I'm not terribly familiar with the area she lives in (although I spent some of my college years near there so I'm not completely unfamiliar either) so I have no problem asking her for advice on what's good and what's not. So do you think joint planning where we go for dinner is fine in this scenario or would most girls prefer a guy takes control of most of the decisions on a first date?

Also, I'm a guy who almost always dresses uber casually. For me khakis and any shirt that isn't a t-shirt is dressed up so I'm going with that. Any objections?

 

[jamandcrumpets]

For myself: I would always prefer it if a guy is just himself and as relaxed as possible... dressing as you would always do is just a reflection of the real you... Making your dress appropriate to the situation is respectful (movies and a restaurant, no flip flops, etc lol). I'm happy to make a joint decision about the restaurant afterwards - especially if the man doesn't know the area well. So long as you are not indecisive (that can be so awkward)...

I think physical touch is one of my love languages too, but if I've only just met someone for the first time and they come on too strong... it's a real put-off. If it's someone I've been flirting with for a while (and known personally), I would appreciate hand holding and a kiss on the cheek. Hugs are nice too.

Kisses are more for second dates I feel anyway... and that depends on the chemistry too - is there a lot of smiles, eye holding, flirting, etc... if it's still a bit stiff, then it's ok to wait as long as you need... a kiss on the cheek is always a nice greeting/farewell??

Good luck and I hope you have a great date!

 

[K9_Trainer]

I'm thinking I'm not going to do much planning for this date. We've already decided on a movie (we know what movie we're seeing) and dinner (which we've discussed but is undecided) afterwards. The main reason why, is I'm not terribly familiar with the area she lives in (although I spent some of my college years near there so I'm not completely unfamiliar either) so I have no problem asking her for advice on what's good and what's not. So do you think joint planning where we go for dinner is fine in this scenario or would most girls prefer a guy takes control of most of the decisions on a first date?

Also, I'm a guy who almost always dresses uber casually. For me khakis and any shirt that isn't a t-shirt is dressed up so I'm going with that. Any objections?

Honestly I think joint planning works better. Because it involves her, you SHOULD have her input, especially when you don't know her extremely well. It's generally just safer. For example, you wouldn't want to make the decision to take her to a steakhouse if she's a vegetarian. Or see a scary movie if she's terrified of them. Or to a circus if she thinks it's unethical. Collaborating would lead to a more enjoyable date for both of you because you can both avoid things that you don't like and learn more about each other.

So I wouldn't necessarily mind it if he had all the decisions already made, but I think the surprises are best left for later dates when you can surprise her with something you know will make her happy.

 

[HazelWings]

Have fun and be yourself!

 

[Ukrainia]

The date was very underwhelming. For whatever reason we just didn't click. We have quite a bit in common, but even so, from the beginning of the date their were a few awkward pauses and I never had a moment where I thought she was someone I'd really enjoy dating and their was every indication that's how she felt too. Because of our many shared interests, my hopes were high so it is a letdown. Obviously, then I never initiated contact, other than a handshake when we met and a hug afterwards (actually, I think she just wanted to shake again, but I had already initiated the hug motion, so we did end up with the briefest of hugs). I did pay for her movie ticket and for dinner (I paid all but 3 dollars of the tip) because I thought it was the nice thing to do. It wasn't a bad time at all - she's a very nice, kind, and knowledgeable person. It just didn't live up to my expectations as a date that could lead to something more.

 

[BranwenUerchLlyr]

The date was very underwhelming. For whatever reason we just didn't click. We have quite a bit in common, but even so, from the beginning of the date their were a few awkward pauses and I never had a moment where I thought she was someone I'd really enjoy dating and their was every indication that's how she felt too. Because of our many shared interests, my hopes were high so it is a letdown. Obviously, then I never initiated contact, other than a handshake when we met and a hug afterwards (actually, I think she just wanted to shake again, but I had already initiated the hug motion, so we did end up with the briefest of hugs). I did pay for her movie ticket and for dinner (I paid all but 3 dollars of the tip) because I thought it was the nice thing to do. It wasn't a bad time at all - she's a very nice, kind, and knowledgeable person. It just didn't live up to my expectations as a date that could lead to something more.

This could easily describe several first dates with guys that ended up being great for me.

What I'm saying is--be sure there is certainly no chemistry and not just first-date-awkwardness.

 

[jamandcrumpets]

this is where it's a great opportunity to at least make a new good friend!!! this is where it drives me crazy! dates don't always have to end up in marriage! sometimes it's a wonderful friendship... and who knows how that can change your life? it can also take some of the fear out of dating if you don't always have the pressure of required romance! ....???
p.s. I don't mean you when I say it drives me crazy - I mean it for men AND women who go on a date and the pressure and expectations are just so high for a first meeting... I'd love to see people take the pressure off and just enjoy meeting a new person...

 

[HazelWings]

What I'm saying is--be sure there is certainly no chemistry and not just first-date-awkwardness.

^This

Also, good for you for giving it a try! Maybe this girl didn't work out, but now you have a little practice under your belt to try again

 

[white dove]

What area are you from? (if you don't mind me asking)

 

[Ukrainia]

So I found something incredibly bizarre. I went back to the profile of the girl I went on a date with yesterday. And she changed her age on her profile. She used to put her age down as 22 (which I strongly believe is her actual age). Now she has changed it to 25 (later on in her profile she writes "the age I put down may or may not be my actual age" so I guess I wouldn't classify it as an outright lie). She also changed the age in the "What I'm Looking For" section to "guys ages 25 -40" (it used to be something like 23-35, but I don't remember the exact ages). I'm 24.

So this actually hurts a bit. As I said, it wasn't a great date. It was probably below average as far as dates go and I don't think either of us had any desire for a second date. But my assumption, after seeing that she changed her profile age one day after our date, is that she didn't find me mature enough or successful enough as to be someone she'd even consider. Therefore she's now looking exclusively for guys who are older than me. I find it the height of irony that she changed her age on OkCupid to look more mature, yet the act of pretending you are a different age from what you claim is, I think, quite childish.

Maybe their is more to this than meets the eye. But at first glance, this is frusterating to me. I do, admittedly, have many faults, but rarely can one say that immaturity is one of them. The other option is that I have achieved very little (I don't have a job in my field yet, nor do I own property) and she's looking for someone who is a bit more established.

While I won't stay angry about this for long, at the moment I'm legitimately peeved.

Any thoughts on this?

 

[Ukrainia]

What area are you from? (if you don't mind me asking)

I'm from Waukesha, just off I-94.

 

[K9_Trainer]

Sounds like she's the one with the maturity issues. Maybe you weren't what she was looking for, but there was no need to go and change her age or make her desired age range higher.