It's getting really hard

[chaoticfirefly]

I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I hate my job, I hate this city, I hate this state, I hate this disorder. I hate the fact I get sick easily because of an immune system that doesn't seem to work right, I hate the fact I have little to no friends, and I hate that I know I have deep rooted anger issues that I can no longer control and it just keeps resurfacing over the littlest of things.

I miss my dog, I miss not dreading work every day, I miss being able to swim or get manicure's and pedicure's and I miss the sun.

I don't know what to do anymore. I've talked about checking myself into a psychiatric hospital for awhile but I can't do that because insurance doesn't cover that and I can't afford it.

I'm having struggles with one of my supervisors, like I get she's really sarcastic, and can get kind of mean and that's just her personality but it HURTS. I hate that everyone treats me like I'm stupid, that I'm so easy to insult. I know I'm clumsy and awkward, but I have reasons for these things and if I could only take my medication without fear, I'd be able to do better. I can't even talk anymore without my voice giving out.

I don't feel right in the head. I don't feel like I'm "in reality", like I'm on this planet and watching everyone else live normal lives. Like, I'm the only stuck with paranoid thoughts, terrible insomnia, and a self hatred that runs way too deep that I've deluded myself into thinking, "I'm a terrible person, but at least, I'm better than everyone else." and too sad to function. I almost started crying at work today over a silly thing. I know I should take my meds, but I need to function.

This is getting too hard. My vocational rehab councilor suggested I start seeing a councilor weekly for issues that pills cannot fix so that way, I can make advancements in Vocational Rehab as well but I can't afford anybody. I'm stuck.

Everything aches.

 

[Woven]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Are there no free therapy options? Or what about group therapy sessions? I think it will help tremendously to have somebody to talk to.

Praying that things get better

 

[miss-a]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. It's good, though, that you were able to express what you're feeling. I'm not clear on why you can't take your medication. It sounds like it would help you. Can you talk with your doctor about that.

Please keep us posted. We care.

Prayers for you, friend,
a

 

[Krissy Cakes]

I'm praying for you

Please know I care and hope you get the help you deserve.

 

[RuthD]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you. Praying you feel better soon.

 

[Roseheart]

Praying for you...

 

[Criada]

Love you and praying for you, sister.
Hang in there - you have such a lot to give !

 

[MadamImAdaminChrist]

This sounds terrible. I wish I knew how you were feeling, and I could offer a similar personal experience, but I cannot. I hope you get to see that counselor soon, and that you can find some meds that work for you down the road.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Are there no free therapy options? Or what about group therapy sessions? I think it will help tremendously to have somebody to talk to.

Praying that things get better

thank you.

No. There is cheaper therapy options at the nearby college but it's the students who are the therapists, though they do have staffed licensed psychologists too, but because I'm an anxious driver and a parking pass costs more than what I can afford that lasts for only a semester (200-300$ US dollars), I tend to stay away from the college campus. One of two places where most of our car wrecks happen.

 

[chaoticfirefly]

I'm sorry it's so hard for you right now. It's good, though, that you were able to express what you're feeling. I'm not clear on why you can't take your medication. It sounds like it would help you. Can you talk with your doctor about that.

Please keep us posted. We care.

Prayers for you, friend,
a

There's many reasons. It's mostly because even if they do help, I'm really out of it when I take them and I need to be fully functional at work and during the day since I have to operate heavy machinery if I'm not cashiering and because I help out at the Humane Society and take care of animals.

Other times, it's because it's a 50/50 chance they'll work (they're sleep aids/anti depressants and I also have to take anti anxiety medication), so when they don't work, I'm up all night and feeling like I did weed and incredibly depressed because I'm too tired and can't sleep, so I spend the entire time crying. Or cranky. Or worse numb-feeling.

I've spoken to my psychiatrist last time about it, and even called him and all he did was up the dosages more. So I quit taking them, deciding that I'd rather just be depressed, and not be able to sleep and be horribly anxious than deal with the side effects because I'm scared and impatient for things to work. I know it's not a snap of fingers, take these meds and they'll work right away but I'm too scared to deal with the side effects.

And thank you

 

[chaoticfirefly]

And everyone else, thank you. I appreciate all of your guys' support. I keep going back and forth, and have started just the anti-anxiety meds because I need to go to work without having a panic attack or calling in so often. The "out of it" feeling isn't so bad if I just take them alone at least.