Issue with 12 year old son

THE W said:

same with having sex with hookers and....jumping off cliffs. if everyone else is doing it, no problem.

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Yeah right - everybody has sex with hookers and jumps off cliffs.

Stacymom2son said:

I don't see masturbating as a son. I'm a single mom and we all have needs . The question is how do I tell me son to not do this in the shower as I know , well he is beginning puberty so I don't want to come across his mess one day .

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I understand. I'm not sure how you can approach this. It seems like it should be common sense on his part. Maybe just make a little hint about how you're the one who has to clean the house, including the bathroom, and ask him to please be considerate of you in that regard. Perhaps you could put it in a hygiene/cleanliness context instead of a sexual one.

Stacymom2son said:

So it seems that I'm overreacting to this situation . I guess it's hard on me to realize my son is growing up but I'm still having a very hard time knowing my son is masturbating and I'm sorry to say but I'll be very upset and angry if I come across his mess on the floor. Should I just explain to touch in his room and not in the shower but then I'm telling him that I know he is masturbating and I'll embarrass him .

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((Hugs)) It is so hard when our sons start becoming men. I would not mention anything about masturbation if I were you.

I never mentioned anything sexual (besides the birds & bees talk and to be respectful of girls, of course) to my son because I never wanted to embarrass him. He grew up to be a wonderful Christian young man and we have mutual respect and love as mother and son. I feel very blessed. I'm thankful now that we never had an awkward situation like that arise (because I never had to share a bathroom with him and once he was old enough he cleaned his own bedroom and bathroom).

You sound like a wonderful mother, I wish all the best for you!

Stacymom2son said:

So it seems that I'm overreacting to this situation . I guess it's hard on me to realize my son is growing up but I'm still having a very hard time knowing my son is masturbating

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This is understandable; it´s similar as when thinking of your parents having sex as a child, isn´t it?

and I'm sorry to say but I'll be very upset and angry if I come across his mess on the floor. Should I just explain to touch in his room and not in the shower but then I'm telling him that I know he is masturbating and I'll embarrass him .

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I think there isn´t a one fits all approach to this. A lot depends on whether and how sex has been talked about in your family until now. If it has been treated like a delicate subject, suddenly talking about it here is likely to embarass him. Whereas when it has been treated as a natural thing all the time, you may just want to add "no masturbation in the shower" to the board with the family rules.

Stacymom2son said:

Should I be open about masturbation and let him know it's normal as his body developes

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YES!

And emphasize that it allows him to control his sex drive, rather than being controlled by it.

You know, he could have just been taking a long shower and not doing anything..Reread your post. You say you saw he had an erection then you assumed you knew what He was doing.
Being a man, and have lived through that very awkward time in my life. I didn't start doing the M until I was in my late teens. But I still would have the natural raising of the flag, every morning, every day, night and when the wind blew. Not because of sexual arousal, most of the time. Not that I didn't have that issue. But it would happen in the middle of math class at school sometimes...quite embarrassing.
what I'm trying to say. Is he could have just had and erection. That's all. It's quite natural especially at that age, He's coming into His young man stage of His life.
You should talk to him, Try to get into his life a little more. Remember, teens today, know more about sex, than we did. They are inundated with it at every turn. Television, games, books, and most importantly peers.
Now that you noticed that he has erections, is now the time for you to come to terms with your son growing up and you need to have the talk with him.
Find out if he is or has done the M. Your teen expects you to be forward about it. Just not specific. Explain that you notice He's growing up and becoming a young man. Don't just blurt out..."oh, hun, I saw that you had an erection, we need to talk about some things."....LOL...you do that, the conversation is over before it begins.
Let him know that you understand, being an adult doesn't make you an expert, but because of experiences thru life you understand that He is growing up.
Understand things about yourself first. Know your beliefs biblically about how God expects us as Christians should live and uphold ourselves to God's standards. Let your son know this. Don't preach to him, use stories, use someone that He looks up to as a man for an example, if he has one that is.
Remember, he's going to come into the conversation, with knowledge you may not or refuse to think He knows. Most likely if you know, he knows. Teenage years don't mean stupid, just hard headed, willful, arrogant and striving to make their own life. Just not stupid.
Most important: Pray, before, during and after the conversation.

Stacymom2son said:

It's more about him masturbating at 12

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That is a typical age to start. Those pangs start kicking in about then. (of course they get stronger and stronger for the next few years)

and he is masturbating in the shower that we both share which grosses me out

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The shower seems to be a pretty good place for many guys. No need for a separate lube, (which can be as messy as the product of the act) since soap works just fine; and the "stuff" all rinses down the drain.

If you do not want it done in there, where then?

smithed64 said:

Most important: Pray, before, during and after the conversation.

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Amen and amen.

Stacymom2son said:

I don't see masturbating as a son.

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As a "son?"

Are you saying you do not see "M" as a "sin;" or that you cannot picture your son doing that deed?

quatona said:

I think you can be sure he´s never been so thorough in leaving things clean as when he has masturbated.

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Not necessarily.

We had my nephew living with us when he was an older teen (not having had children yet it was a shock to suddenly be feeding a teen boy and sometimes a friend too! Lol) and my realization came one day when I found a (used) condom in the shower.

Oh dear, this is my first realization to wonder if perhaps he wasn't alone! But I am pretty sure he was - as I recall he didn't have a girlfriend and we were probably there during the shower. But it grossed me out terribly finding it on the shower windowsill and having to dispose of it ...

Stacymom2son said:

I am ok with masturbation, it's normal thing to do . What I am shocked is he is only 12 and the fact he is masturbating in the shower where I also shower and I will be very upset and angry if I find evidence . I appreciate everyone providing feedback, it's not easy being a single mom .

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All the more reason to have a talk with Him. He's a teenager, not a monster...LOL..I hear from mine all the time and they talk to me about just about everything now. It wasn't easy at first. But I showed them that they weren't children i.e. toddlers who need daddy to hold their hand... I gave them just a little respect for being a teenager. Yeah, I know give them an inch they'll take a mile. But that's up to you if that happens.
One of biggest lesson I ever learned about living and raising a teen was from a teen.
My now ex wife. Has a Son, Turned out to be an awesome young man. Even though while he was a teen, I wanted to hang him by his toes, many times.
He told me that I didn't punish him, enough. And because I didn't, it made it look like I didn't care for him enough.
So, I changed it. I didn't go nuts or anything. I just didn't give him as much rope to run with as I had been.
But that was from a teenager. They aren't stupid. They know what they want, they just don't always know or understand how to go about it.
We as parents, it is our job to train them, to teach them, to punish them, to help them, and to understand where they are coming from. The only way to do that, is to get into their heads. Watch the shows they watch, if you don't regulate what they watch already. Play the games the play. Ask them what their doing, but not in the parent way. To them the parent way is "Ok, he/she wants to know what I'm doing to stop me from doing it" No don't do that. They have to experience life, we are to protect them while they are. Not to hinder them from doing so.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying let your teen do whatever he or she wants. That's not reality. If you see that they are going to run into trouble in something...assess the trouble, If you see they can handle it, let them.
I say all this, to say. Speak to your son, as if he was a man. Not a child. Be frank, be stern, but be mom.
You wouldn't let your husband or boyfriend do this would you? not without telling them how you feel about it. Then do the same with your son, but be mom of course. He wants to know that you trust him. He wants to know that you know that he isn't stupid or careless. Show Him you don't.
Do It with the love of a Child of God first, then as a mother. Because that Love that God has placed in you to be a mom, is greater than any love you could even muster for your son.
Don't be afraid, just be mom. it's not against the law to be a friend to your teen. Show Him you can do that. And you'll be surprised at the outcome. But you have to be a friend on his terms. Not yours. Remember, it's not like it was when you were a teen, but don't forget that you were a teen at one time.

Stacymom2son said:

Should I be open about masturbation and let him know it's normal as his body developes

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Generally, I would answer "yes". However, this appears to be the worst moment starting to do this.
Now, maybe if you want to start talking about sexuality, it would be a good idea to start talking to him about your own rather than his?

That's what I did...

"Do it in private, and clean up any mess"

Stacymom2son said:

Should I tell my son masturbating is healthy but he should use something for his cleanup

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Absolutely.

And talk to him about the "guilt" feelings that often accompany it. It is not true guilt - but may be an empty feeling since sex is supposed to be a shared experience.

Stacymom2son said:

So let me guess this straight no one here ever masturbated. Everyone seems to be against it . God wants us to receive pleasure and if your single " yes single" why is it such a bad thing .

I can see why it is for my son who is only 12 but everyone acts like the world is crashing down.

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I for one think that masturbation is ok, healthy and normal.

I'm a single mother looking for advice on to how to approach my son .
Some reason , I'm just lost for words talking to my son about masturbating

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I understand that, but I would also like you to understand that it´s hard to give a one-fits-all advice here.
I guess (correct me if I am wrong!) that the reason why you are lost for words is: You aren´t used to talking about sex-related things in person, and even less to your son. The two of you have no common culture in talking about sex-related stuff, so this is going to be a first - and the fact that it starts with a problem is not a very helpful setting. And that´s also the reason why you are afraid talking about it might embarrass him. (If sex had been normal part of your conversations before, I would give the advice: Just tell him "in case you touch in the shower, I want you to clean up the mess afterwards" - just like you would do in case he´s messing around when cooking).

So I think it might be an option to first establish a relaxed culture of talking about sex (in order to let him know that you don´t feel sex related things aren´t embarrassing), before you bring up the actual issue.