Hi, as I'm writing this, my husband is on the plane coming from mexico with his best friends and i'm picking him up in a couple hours. He left 5 days ago, spending 4 nights there. So here's the problem, somehow, he is able to make me feel guilty for going out with my girlfriends one of the nights he's gone.
"Somehow" he is able to make you feel guilty? No, you are allowing him to make you feel guilty. And that's why he keeps making you feel guilty. It's how he controls and manipulates you.
It seems Takers always find Givers. And for some very strange reason, Givers don't seem to mind - at least at first - what Takers take from them. Just going off the bit you've shared, I think you're the Giver and your husband is the Taker. Does he ever act in a truly self-sacrificing way toward you? Does he ever do anything for you that costs him and benefits him in no way whatsoever? Takers make it look like they are giving, but when one looks closer at what they do, it becomes clear that they only give when they benefit in some way. He works hard and supplies for you both, but he would have to work anyway, wouldn't he, to live as he does? And treating himself to 3 trips to Mexico in one year - none of which have included you - is classic Taker behaviour.
I am not allowed to go on girls trips, this is his 3rd time to Mexico in the last 10 months with his buddies. Granted, we've been going through some marital troubles.
everytime i say it's not fair that i'm not allowed, he said it's different cause I'm a girl.
If your husband prefers to visit Mexico three times in one year without you, your marriage is indeed in trouble. But this is how it goes with Takers. As their Giver allows them to take, and take, and take, they grow more and more controlling, and entitled in their attitude, and selfish. A marriage can't be sustained when this sort of selfishness is indulged.
I'm going to assume your husband isn't a Christian, a disciple of Christ, because what you've described of him doesn't suggest God is in the driver's seat of your husband's life. This, though, is probably the biggest problem between you. If God isn't at the core of your lives and relationship to each other, marriage - which is God's institution - isn't going to be the beautiful thing He means it to be. If you want your marriage to be restored, to be the joyful, rich relationship it is supposed to be, and to reflect the excellency of Christ, God must be placed at the center of your lives, where He should be.
So he works really hard, he has his own business, and he tells me that the trips are motivational and that he's refreshed when he's there, and makes him work better.
What is it about being at home with you that doesn't make him feel refreshed? It ought to.
Really, God should be the Source of our "refreshment." In fact, when a man is walking right with God, he becomes a source of refreshment to others. This goes for women, too. Trips to Mexico can't ever be a replacement for God's sustaining, transforming power at work in one's life.
He obviously makes the money, and I just feel bad if I told him that he couldn't go, cause I believe he deserves it. I just don't know how to approach him for making me feel guilty when I'm at home, and he's not here.
This is exactly how it goes between Givers and Takers. Look, at some point, your husband is going to wring you dry. He's just going to keep taking until every bit you have to give is squeezed out of you. And then, your marriage will end. If you don't want this to happen, set some clear and inviolable boundaries with your husband. Get a job, if it will help even things out between you. Most of all, make God the center of your marriage. Pray that God will break in on your husband's life and turn him around. Pray that God will make you a godly woman. And keep praying until He does.
