Is it selfish

[tiredwalker]

DH and I have the same earning power. When it came to the decision as who would be with the kids, it was really easy. My husband (much to my pleasure) stated, "I can't bring a child into the world an let someone else raise him/her so we can have more money."

I am the mother, so I'm going to stay home. It may not sound progressive, but my DH is admittedly ignorant as to how to care for a little baby, and he is depending on me to show him how. Besides, he said that he would feel like he handed over his manhood for me to keep in his purse if he stayed home while I went to work.

If/when the money we saved runs out, I'll go back to work and just work an opposite shift until we can save up enough money again. Once the kids are all in school, I'll go back to teaching.

Both of my parents worked full time while my sis and I were growing up. They worked opposite shifts, so we would never be in daycare. I honestly would have rather we lived in an apartment with less things if my parents could have been home at the same time on occasion. Weekends were such a great treat.

 

[£amb]

I work part time at my church's preschool while my children are in school so I wouldn't say I'm totally a SAHM. But I am home when they get home. There are many stay at home dads that come through the Preschool so to me it's not an unusual thing to see.

I worked full time after my first son was born, and we put him in a daycare. God blessed us with a wonderful place to put him, but after awhile, we didn't like him being in there from 7 until 4pm. We prayed continuously for God to open a door financially for us so I could stay home. It was a decision that we made as a couple. After much time of prayer, we saw God's hand work. My husband started moving up in his company. Financially God has blessed my husband more than we prayed for and we are humbled. My husband is making more than enough even if I was working full-time again. His career, financially, is more guaranteed at "climbing the ladder" than my career would of been so it was a no brainer to have him remain at work. I am able to be home with the kids and on the weekends he gets to have his fun with them as well.

 

[Sign Of The Fish Burger]

Well this is still up in the air, but ideally, I will be the one staying home with our child when he/she comes. HOWEVER, unless God provides some sort of financial miracle of humungous proportions it won't be happening.

I would stay home for several reasons: 1- DH makes double what I make, 2- I have the breasts therefore I shall be feeding the little one 3- it's not his "thing".

DH is 100% absolutely fine with me staying home instead of him, and he is working very hard in order for that to happen (working 2 jobs) however it just seems very unlikely right now. So 3 months after the baby is born I'll be going back to work and the bub will be in daycare.

Not my ideal, but until we can get this house sold (the market has to change first) we have no other option.

 

[cobweb]

Selfish?

I was a SAHM for 5 years. Now I work part-time retail nights and weekends when my husband is home because I have no other choice.

When I quit my job to stay home I was making roughly the same pay as my husband. Now, 10 years later, I make about 1/7 what he does per year. I will probably never have a viable career (and I am ok with that) and I can't go back to school.

I have a special needs child that actually does worse the more hours I work. That child also requires a lot of medical co-pays that we couldn't afford if I didn't work.

... but you can bet I would stay home with my kids again in a heartbeat if I could. Whether anyone thought that was selfish wouldn't even cross my mind.

 

[Laurie919]

Selfish?

I was a SAHM for 5 years. Now I work part-time retail nights and weekends when my husband is home because I have no other choice.

When I quit my job to stay home I was making roughly the same pay as my husband. Now, 10 years later, I make about 1/7 what he does per year. I will probably never have a viable career (and I am ok with that) and I can't go back to school.

I have a special needs child that actually does worse the more hours I work. That child also requires a lot of medical co-pays that we couldn't afford if I didn't work.

... but you can bet I would stay home with my kids again in a heartbeat if I could. Whether anyone thought that was selfish wouldn't even cross my mind.

When I say selfish I mean that you (not you but the stay at home parent) gets to spend more time with the children. Don't both parents deserve equal time?

If a parent is working more than one job when do they get to see the children?

Your case is also different than the norm. If I were in your situation I would be at home also. You are a very special person to handle what you do. God bless you for that.

 

[cobweb]

When I say selfish I mean that you (not you but the stay at home parent) gets to spend more time with the children. Don't both parents deserve equal time?

If a parent is working more than one job when do they get to see the children?

Your case is also different than the norm. If I were in your situation I would be at home also. You are a very special person to handle what you do. God bless you for that.

What both parents deserve doesn't really matter. The facts were that he had more earning potential and I had the boobs.

My case may not be the norm, but I'm nothing special. I have no choice in the matter and I think most parents would do whatever they could to take care of their kids.

I desperately wish that I could stay home with my boys(and they would be much better off... especially my son with special needs). Unfortunately I couldn't afford to give him what little therapy we do unless I work. Apparently we aren't rich enough to get him the care he needs, but that is a whole other debate.

 

[Redguard]

Hi.

No selfishness involved in the decision.

BTW, I think it's too bad that the thread had to start off so dramatically. I guess I wasn't privy to the previous threads that lead up to this one.

Anyway, we discussed this, albeit not TOO seriously. No matter the outcome of the conversation, I think it was already understood that Mrs. Redguard would be the one to stay home with the kids.

There are a few factors that help make this decision.

1. Our laws would allow both of us to receive Unemployment Insurance for the full year taken off for Maternity/Paternity leave. But only Mrs. Redguard (being the mom) would be eligible to receive a "top-up" from her company. For those of you who don't know, a top-up is a financial suppliment given to employees who go on maternity leave. It looks at the amount that you're receiving for unemployment insurance (which can only be a maximum of $423/week) and gives you the extra amount that would bring you up to X% of your salaried income (X is usually 85-90%) for Y number of weeks (Y, in Mrs. Redguard's case, being 16 weeks). The financial benefit that she's eligible for is just one of the reasons why she's at home. Compound that with the fact that I simply make more than she does.

2. As others have mentioned... she has the "food".

3. I'm not embarassed to say this, but there are societal pressures that influence our decision. She would be afraid of being labeled as the "bad uncaring mother" for having a husband at home with the baby while she was at work. And I would be afraid of being labeled at the "fruity peculiar husband" who is likely too lazy or incapable of supporting his family financially, and thus left to stay home.

Since both of us already feel a sense of fulfillment in our current roles, we think our arrangement is just fine.

4. She's just plain better at it. Simple as that.


Whenever we discuss these things, we usually bring up examples of people we know who've sorta reversed roles, and stuff like that. I told her of a meeting that I had at work where a guy I was working with from another company was being replaced temporarily by a temp because he was going away for a few months on Paternity Leave. When I told her about the snickering and gigglin that people made (both men AND women) upon hearing that, she wasn't suprised at all.

That's how we made our decision though. It's by no means a code by which others should make theirs. Every family has their own situation and should do what works best for them.

 

[Laurie919]

16 weeks of leave must be awesome. I was only off two weeks with Taylor and that was without pay.

 

[Redguard]

16 weeks of leave must be awesome. I was only off two weeks with Taylor and that was without pay.

It's more like 52 weeks of leave.

The 16 weeks is when the company pays you on top of the UI so that you can maintain an income level for the first few months.

 

[Surrender2Win]

It's kind of a ridiculous question to begin with...a person staying at home with their child, whether mom or dad, is far from selfish. In fact, it's pretty selfless if you ask me. As a stay at home parent, my entire day is built around my children. I don't just sit around all day and paint my toenails, eating bon bons while watching Regis and Kelly (that sounds nice though!). How about a lunch hour? I don't get those alone, or even a 15 peaceful break. I can't even sit here and type this message without getting interrupted at least twice. I can't even go to the bathroom in peace... I need to constantly think about the needs of my children at about every moment of my day...how in the world could anyone possibly believe that to be selfish?

 

[Laurie919]

It's kind of a ridiculous question to begin with...a person staying at home with their child, whether mom or dad, is far from selfish. In fact, it's pretty selfless if you ask me. As a stay at home parent, my entire day is built around my children. I don't just sit around all day and paint my toenails, eating bon bons while watching Regis and Kelly (that sounds nice though!). How about a lunch hour? I don't get those alone, or even a 15 peaceful break. I can't even sit here and type this message without getting interrupted at least twice. I can't even go to the bathroom in peace... I need to constantly think about the needs of my children at about every moment of my day...how in the world could anyone possibly believe that to be selfish?

I needed to reword the question but could not change the title.

What I am asking is more is it selfish to expect one parent to work more than one job so that you (not you you) can be home with the children.

 

[Surrender2Win]

I needed to reword the question but could not change the title.

What I am asking is more is it selfish to expect one parent to work more than one job so that you (not you you) can be home with the children.

You can change the title if you edit it and then go advanced.

For us, the question of if its being selfish has never entered either my husbands or my mind. There are not expectations that he will work more then one job...we do what we gotta do. I've offered at times to get an evening job...he doesn't want me too...he said HE would get another job if we needed the money that bad.

The quality time my husband spends with our children is what counts, not the quantity.

 

[£amb]

When I say selfish I mean that you (not you but the stay at home parent) gets to spend more time with the children. Don't both parents deserve equal time?

If a parent is working more than one job when do they get to see the children?

Your case is also different than the norm. If I were in your situation I would be at home also. You are a very special person to handle what you do. God bless you for that.

I understand the underlying question and I think both parents deserve equal time, but in todays society it's not going to happen. A parent, whether it's the dad or mom (or both), is going to have to work to support the family. It's a sacrifice that the husband and wife will have to discuss and not go in blindly. There are spouses who willingly work more than one job to support the family so the other spouse can stay home with the children. My brother is one of these people. He works 2 jobs so his wife can stay home with the children. It's a sacrifice they've discussed and the children know this as well and understand. He spends his time with them on the weekends, and nights so he's not losing time with his children. But there are times where this doesn't happen because of work, and he and the children know the sacrifices he makes to support them.

I believe the time you spend with your children should be about the quality of time, not the quantity of time....

 

[Laurie919]

It let me change it on the first post, but it didn't change it every where.

 

[heart of peace]

I needed to reword the question but could not change the title.

What I am asking is more is it selfish to expect one parent to work more than one job so that you (not you you) can be home with the children.

I'm confused now. You are asking if a married couple [who are both adults] who have agreed on the decision of one of the spouses staying home with their children while the other spouse goes to work and if necessary getting a second job and if the sah spouse is selfish? Do you even realize how little sense that makes? How can a mutually agreed upon decision be seen as selfish?

 

[Surrender2Win]

It let me change it on the first post, but it didn't change it every where.

yeah, that's weird! I'm sure I have done it before , but just tried it on an old thread that I started and it didn't change...so I guess if you want it changed then ask a mod.

 

[Laurie919]

............

 

[Leanna]

It's more like 52 weeks of leave.

The 16 weeks is when the company pays you on top of the UI so that you can maintain an income level for the first few months.

I think that's wonderful and Canada's system really helps the family! If I lived in Canada I would be tempted to return to work just so I could get that maternity leave with the second child too.

It's kind of a ridiculous question to begin with...a person staying at home with their child, whether mom or dad, is far from selfish. In fact, it's pretty selfless if you ask me. As a stay at home parent, my entire day is built around my children. I don't just sit around all day and paint my toenails, eating bon bons while watching Regis and Kelly (that sounds nice though!). How about a lunch hour? I don't get those alone, or even a 15 peaceful break. I can't even sit here and type this message without getting interrupted at least twice. I can't even go to the bathroom in peace... I need to constantly think about the needs of my children at about every moment of my day...how in the world could anyone possibly believe that to be selfish?

For us, the question of if its being selfish has never entered either my husbands or my mind. There are not expectations that he will work more then one job...we do what we gotta do. I've offered at times to get an evening job...he doesn't want me too...he said HE would get another job if we needed the money that bad.

The quality time my husband spends with our children is what counts, not the quantity.

If anyone is genuinely curious how my husband ended up working so much at this period in our life, I have a PM box and would be glad to share how God has provided us with this opportunity although it is currently hard work for the two of us.

 

[coffeegal]

like others have said- i have the milk for the babies.

i'm also lucky that my husbands hours for the past few years have allowed him to work full time and still be very involved in the kids lives in the evening as he is home by 2pm.

 

[Adela]

When I say selfish I mean that you (not you but the stay at home parent) gets to spend more time with the children. Don't both parents deserve equal time?

If a parent is working more than one job when do they get to see the children?

How could it be selfish if it's what two people agree to do together? Selfish implies you are doing something for yourself only.

You could perhaps ask is it intentionally unfair, but not selfish.

Also, I don't know if this is true for anyone on here, but I've heard a lot of moms say that when their husbands come home the kids are so excited to see them. They think dad's the greatest thing and mom's just mom because she's been there all day.

A lot of times the at home parent works constantly but gets very little recognition.