Is it selfish

[Manna]

I will admit I don't know how to parent (I guess no one does until they have a child). I have read tons of books on it. I try my best, but I have nothing to model after.

We do have rules. I just pray every day that God guides me with decisions I have to make concerning Taylor. She is a basically good child. She gets A's in conduct most of the time. She does her school work and for the most part what she is told, thank God.

I am just not very good with discipline.

I think any parent on here will admit that even after HAVING kids, none of us knows how to parent...lol. I feel like once I've got things under control, we turn to a new chapter and I have to start all over again!

 

[Laurie919]

I think any parent on here will admit that even after HAVING kids, none of us knows how to parent...lol. I feel like once I've got things under control, we turn to a new chapter and I have to start all over again!

That is what I am fighting now. We are in a very new chapter in life. It is very hard. I am fighting damage I have done by trying to be her friend instead of her mom.

Tay is very strong willed. When she was barely one, I had bought a timeout chair for her. I put her in it the first day we bought it, walked away for the whole 60 seconds I was leaving her in it. When I came back she had a screw driver trying to take it apart. She isn't your average child.

 

[JulySheMustFly]

I think any parent on here will admit that even after HAVING kids, none of us knows how to parent...lol. I feel like once I've got things under control, we turn to a new chapter and I have to start all over again!

That is sure how it is for me. Just as I think I've prepared myself for what comes next or finally figured out what to do right now everything changes.

 

[heart of peace]

Laurie, I think you could benefit from having a neutral third party come in to assist your dynamic with your daughter. Not that I advocate the concept behind Supernanny, I find it to be a show that harms us more than helps us as a society, but the concept of a parenting "expert" to come in to help create some new guidelines might be what you need. First of all, being a single parent, you don't get that benefit from having 2 parents able to instill boundaries and to take over when the other one is at a loss if necessary. Secondly, at this point, she knows what to expect from you and she is old enough to know how far she can push you and even disregard your rules.

So, a neutral third party might be a good way to go before she reaches the age of accountability and from the sounds of it, she may be there sooner than most children.

 

[beccasmommy]

I just go with my husbands need to be the provider for our family. I have a job, a job I love dearly and could work full time if I wanted but, we feel that our children deserve the right to have a parent around most of the time (except date night or whatever) My husband is the provider for our family and I help him with what he needs to get his job done such as meals and clean clothes not glamorous but still worthy

 

[Meshavrischika]

How do you decide who is going to be home with the kids and doesn't each parent deserve equal time with the children?

My DH stayed at home with Randi because I earn more money, and he is more domestic and sensitive to her wants/needs (he's more intuative in other words). It worked well for us. I love having a SAHH. He was great in that role. Now that she is older and we have grandma near by (well, adopted grandma) she stays with her during the day while we both work.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

I will admit I don't know how to parent (I guess no one does until they have a child). I have read tons of books on it. I try my best, but I have nothing to model after.

We do have rules. I just pray every day that God guides me with decisions I have to make concerning Taylor. She is a basically good child. She gets A's in conduct most of the time. She does her school work and for the most part what she is told, thank God.

I am just not very good with discipline.

YOu know though--in the long run....your love for your daughter is so, so evident..I think any missteps you make along the way--they'll just be little speed bumps in the road. All of your posts are just so full of your devotion to Taylor....

LOL- and join the club I'm not very good with discipline either....like you I'm kinda making it all up on the fly having had a kinda crazy upbringing---and I suck at it--even having my husband around consistenly to work t it with me....I totally can't imagine doing it all on my own. Hang in there! You'll work it all out and get into the groove of this newest season of your and Tays life...

 

[Laurie919]

Laurie, I think you could benefit from having a neutral third party come in to assist your dynamic with your daughter. Not that I advocate the concept behind Supernanny, I find it to be a show that harms us more than helps us as a society, but the concept of a parenting "expert" to come in to help create some new guidelines might be what you need. First of all, being a single parent, you don't get that benefit from having 2 parents able to instill boundaries and to take over when the other one is at a loss if necessary. Secondly, at this point, she knows what to expect from you and she is old enough to know how far she can push you and even disregard your rules.

So, a neutral third party might be a good way to go before she reaches the age of accountability and from the sounds of it, she may be there sooner than most children.

That isn't a bad idea. My sisters pastor or his wife would be great for this. They have 6 wonderful children.

 

[Laurie919]

YOu know though--in the long run....your love for your daughter is so, so evident..I think any missteps you make along the way--they'll just be little speed bumps in the road. All of your posts are just so full of your devotion to Taylor....

LOL- and join the club I'm not very good with discipline either....like you I'm kinda making it all up on the fly having had a kinda crazy upbringing---and I suck at it--even having my husband around consistenly to work t it with me....I totally can't imagine doing it all on my own. Hang in there! You'll work it all out and get into the groove of this newest season of your and Tays life...

I really pray I am not screwing her up for life. Why don't they come with an instruction manual.

 

[ShannonMcCatholic]

LOL! But you know--all my instruction manuals mysteriously disappear. I know I save them all--but they are all in some unknown place.

Just remember that Jesus will perfect our imperfect efforts when we ask Him...and that love covers a multitude of sins. And it is so apparent that you just love that girl of yours up to the moon and back, Laurie.

There's something really cool I think about learning at the same time as someone who is teaching us...you two learning to set and recongise boundaries together--is likely something she'll really appreciate looking back.

I never cared so much that my mom was kinda psycho--I only cared that she never owned up to it, or apologized for flying off the handle, or seemd to try to make any efforts to do better--while insisting that I try to do better. If she had just tried and made it clear that she was learning and trying to grow along with me---I think things would have turned out very differently for us.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I really pray I am not screwing her up for life. Why don't they come with an instruction manual.

When I feel the need for an instruction manual..I just find old threads with Shannon's posts in them

From posts of yours that I've seen, Taylor is spoiled with all the clothes and such that you give her, but she doesn't act spoiled and I think that's wonderful. She seems to be a little more mature than an average child her age..which kinda saddens me because I think there should be some innocence and imaturity there at her age, but since she is a little more mature..I don't see why you can't just sit her down and talk with her about rules and how you are her parent and not so much her friend. You can still be her friend, she's always going to need someone to talk to, but you really need to be more of a parent right now.

 

[Laurie919]

When I feel the need for an instruction manual..I just find old threads with Shannon's posts in them

From posts of yours that I've seen, Taylor is spoiled with all the clothes and such that you give her, but she doesn't act spoiled and I think that's wonderful. She seems to be a little more mature than an average child her age..which kinda saddens me because I think there should be some innocence and imaturity there at her age, but since she is a little more mature..I don't see why you can't just sit her down and talk with her about rules and how you are her parent and not so much her friend. You can still be her friend, she's always going to need someone to talk to, but you really need to be more of a parent right now.

She is very spoiled and I know it. I try to make up for things she is missing in life, like grandparents, family, her dad. He hasn't spoke to her in two months. I know buying her things won't make that better, but it is the only thing I know to do to try to make it better.

She is a very good kid though. I said she was selfish, but she really isn't. The reason I had said that was because someone had given me a really nice Dooney & Bourke purse and she got mad that I didn't give it to her. I didn't understand that. Especially since we share everything, so if she needed to use it she is more than welcome to. I just figured it was too big for her. Plus she has a couple D & B wristlets that aren't hand me downs so they are nicer than what I have.

Then she had made a comment about our last shopping trip that I got more than she did. I explained to her that everything I bought was on sale so I got 15 shirts for what she paid for one pair of shorts, flipflops and shirt from Abercombie.

The other day though she won a t-shirt and she got it in an adult large so we could both share it. So, she isn't really selfish.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

Well..ok maybe acts slightly spoiled..ya know wanting the purse someone gave you and complaining about you getting more while out shopping. My sister does that sometimes (she's 14) and mom just explains to her "it's not always about you, you can't always have everything you want. I work hard for my money and sometimes I like to buy me things that I want or need"...which she rarely does. My mom is always buying for my brother and sister..but they're so used to it that they're not appreciative anymore. Maybe that's Taylor's deal. Stop buying her so much all the time..from what you've said she has more than plenty..things that she may never get around to wearing. It's definatly time for her to be "cut off" for a while. It'll suck for you for awhile because I'm sure she'll be mad...but it'll be well worth it in the long run..and remember just because she's mad doesn't mean that she's stopped loving you. I think some people have that kind of mindset that if someone is mad at you then they must not love you anymore...that's usually how I think...so maybe that's what you're doing. I don't know...I've only been a parent for 2 years so I don't know what I'm doing either I hope everything works out for you and Taylor tho

 

[Laurie919]

Well..ok maybe acts slightly spoiled..ya know wanting the purse someone gave you and complaining about you getting more while out shopping. My sister does that sometimes (she's 14) and mom just explains to her "it's not always about you, you can't always have everything you want. I work hard for my money and sometimes I like to buy me things that I want or need"...which she rarely does. My mom is always buying for my brother and sister..but they're so used to it that they're not appreciative anymore. Maybe that's Taylor's deal. Stop buying her so much all the time..from what you've said she has more than plenty..things that she may never get around to wearing. It's definatly time for her to be "cut off" for a while. It'll suck for you for awhile because I'm sure she'll be mad...but it'll be well worth it in the long run..and remember just because she's mad doesn't mean that she's stopped loving you. I think some people have that kind of mindset that if someone is mad at you then they must not love you anymore...that's usually how I think...so maybe that's what you're doing. I don't know...I've only been a parent for 2 years so I don't know what I'm doing either I hope everything works out for you and Taylor tho

We are saving her child support from now until school starts in the fall to buy her school clothes. So basically unless we see something "we just have to have" we won't be buying clothes. She has more than enough for the season we are in. The only thing she will get is a new swim suit since the only place she can wear one of the ones she has is in the backyard ALONE or with me.

I very rarely buy for myself too, it is just something about being a mom lol. The only reason I bought what I bought was because I was starting a new job and needed clothes for it. My last job was dressy this one is jeans. I didn't have jeans and casual clothes that fit without falling off. So, I had to get something to wear.