Is it me?

[dorig59]

I'm not resisting what you have to say, I just think you're cautioning him needlessly. I don't think he meant what you think he meant about going in with guns a'blazing, shredding his wife, hurting his child. I think he initially was just telling us in plain language with no censure of what and why he wanted to do.

I certainly agree with the lawyer part, too. You have to be very, very careful there. ONe thing I've noticed about lawyers in the past is that they will often NOT do what they said they were going to do. For example, you go have a meeting with the lawyer, agree on a plan of action, you go away and wait to hear what has transpired......and then you wait and wait and wait, and he never gets back to you. when you finally get him to answer the phone, you find out he hasn't done anything yet. That happened to me several times, and it happened to my husband in the past, too. Sheesh, don't know what that one's all about. A really great lawyer, though, is worth his weight in gold.

 

[FaithPrevails]

I don't see it as cautioning needlessly since he has failed to define exactly what "guns a'blazing" means. *shrug*

 

[marksaysay]

Unfortunately, the primary has been my wife which makes my case even more difficult. I know there are a lot of things that don't look good for me but again, I have to try to do what I can and let God do the rest.

As far as bad-mouthing my wife, I never said that was my plan. I simply stated those things because they expressed the gravity of the situation and my overall motivation to do what is best for my daughter. My plan was to get a lawyer and allow him to direct me on the best direction. That has now been accomplished and I'll just trust my lawyer and pray to God that things will work according to his plan.

Again, I will would never know what would happen if I don't enter the fight. I'm in now and we'll just watch how things unfold.

 

[chaz345]

Ok while I get what Faith and others are saying about fighting "clean" and focusing on your own positives instead of her negatives, with how badly the deck is stacked against fathers in custody matters, and in this case it's compounded by the fact that the kid is a daughter, some degree of fighting "dirty" MAY be necessary. And while I certainly know what slimeballs some lawyers can be, I would go pretty much with what they recommend, especially if they are one who specializes in father's rights in custody matters.

 

[dorig59]

Mark, you might want to think about calling your lawyer on Monday and seeing if you can get at least a temporary joint custody order. I'm telling you, the longer your daughter is primarily in the home of her mother, the less the chance of them giving you custody. They won't want to disrupt her life. but anyway, good luck with it all.

 

[marksaysay]

We talked yesterday about the custody issue and what is necessary to get things moving in the right direction so I'm with you, dorig59.

Chaz, I'm not an expert in these matters but I'm thinking similarly to you. These activities do not look good for a mother raising a daughter and are definitely not ones that I would feel comfortable with her following.

I'm a very inquisitive person and I consider myself very intelligent. I also ask tons of question as an analytical so believe me when I say I'm not planning on doing just anything and I will be cautious if my lawyer tries. I know I have to push the right buttons with the situation being what it is.

 

[marksaysay]

So today is the day my lawyer makes his first appearance at our status hearing. I'm kinda nervous but I still know this is the correct course of action as there are still many things to be settled. Please pray for me...

 

[dorig59]

Good luck, God bless you, I hope things go the way you want. I'm sure there's a long way yet 'til it's all done, but hang in there and let us know what happens.

 

[marksaysay]

Thank you for your encouragement. I will tell you, though, that while I don't believe I'm luck, I do believe in God. Everything is in his hands to bring about what he will.

 

[marksaysay]

Well, here's the update on today's status hearing...(rather long)

It began rather interesting to see her mother and aunt there. Her mother has been her biggest supporter in spite of knowing what she's done. Her aunt (who's very nonconfrontational) has been non-committal and her presence was the biggest surprise because she also knows.

We were asked into the judges chamber where he wanted to know what was still on the table after our failed mediation. Wife said she didn't know. My lawyer stated everything including custody. My wife then gets mad about that and starts asking why. The judge, in a very agitated voice says anyone can fight for custody. She starts outlining how I haven't seen my daughter since June (not true and she knows it) and how she's tried several ways to contact me but I wouldn't respond.

The judge got extremely agitated by that statement since she asked for a protective order, got it granted, but yet admitted to repeatedly trying to contact me. He told her, "This is what you wanted. You didn't want him to contact you and now you're trying to contact him. The order says no contact via email, phone, text, or smoke signal (I so wanted to laugh)." He then tells her she would have to somehow communicate through a third party.

She then tells the judge she wants to utilize the services of a guardian ad litem (child advocate) because my residence was unfit. He replied that it wasn't unfit 10 minutes ago but he still agreed. She also requested that I be analyzed phsychologically (go figure). He stated was she gonna pay for it and she said no.

I have to tell you all the our judge has a known temper throughout the community so that doesn't really help either of us. My lawyer stated that the child advocate might really help because I might be able to tell about why I felt the way I do about custody but they would also probably find out about her boyfriend.

We moved to the courtroom to get things on the record and her mother and aunt came in. The judge ended up kicking them out because her mother was trying to coach her. He then basically yelled at my wife because she seemed to be unwilling to communicate with my lawyer.

He also got mad at her because she suggested that I give her my insurance information (I've been on her insurance for 5 years) but he told her that she couldn't do that because we are still married.

He did have a few words for me stating that I couldn't stop the divorce (I thought right, but God can if he wants). He stated that i was trying to drag things out but no matter what happens, we will get a divorce.

He said that it seems that the two of us are simply trying to hurt one another now when he initially thought, way back in November, that this divorce would be smooth. I shook my head to his notion of me trying to hurt my wife and he asked why I did that. I just told him that I don't want to hurt my wife and that there are details that he's unaware of that cause me to be uncomfortable with my wife raising our daughter for the next 10 years.

He did say that we would have to go back to mediation and that it would possibly be another 3-4 months before any thing will get resolved. My wife wasn't the least bit happy about that. Lawyer said he thinks she may be already trying to get married again. I said IDK but who knows.

Anyways, that's the rather lengthy update.

 

[dorig59]

Wow, you must be tired out from all that. At least you made your intentions known to get custody. That's good. Is the mediation to help you guys get through the divorce or what?

 

[marksaysay]

Yeah, the mediation is to try to get things settled before the judge signs the divorce decree. I'm not really tired and actually feel somewhat indifferent. What I almost got emotional about was his statement about me trying to hurt my wife. That is not and never has been my intent.

 

[FaithPrevails]

Again, I don't disagree that you should pursue custody. But, what happens when you "expose" your wife for the immoral person that she is in the courtroom and try to use it to get custody and your daughter learns of what you say to the judge? What happens if your wife tries to paint YOU as the monster b/c you are trying to take your daughter from her?

These are the types of concerns I am asking you to consider in the process.

Seek the custody, but do it in a Godly way. Do not disparage or discredit your wife, b/c the courts will only see that as a bitter man seeking revenge. Instead, build a case for custody on all the positive reasons why YOU would make the better custodial parent.

Well, here's the update on today's status hearing...(rather long)

It began rather interesting to see her mother and aunt there. Her mother has been her biggest supporter in spite of knowing what she's done. Her aunt (who's very nonconfrontational) has been non-committal and her presence was the biggest surprise because she also knows.

We were asked into the judges chamber where he wanted to know what was still on the table after our failed mediation. Wife said she didn't know. My lawyer stated everything including custody. My wife then gets mad about that and starts asking why. The judge, in a very agitated voice says anyone can fight for custody. She starts outlining how I haven't seen my daughter since June (not true and she knows it) and how she's tried several ways to contact me but I wouldn't respond.

The judge got extremely agitated by that statement since she asked for a protective order, got it granted, but yet admitted to repeatedly trying to contact me. He told her, "This is what you wanted. You didn't want him to contact you and now you're trying to contact him. The order says no contact via email, phone, text, or smoke signal (I so wanted to laugh)." He then tells her she would have to somehow communicate through a third party.

She then tells the judge she wants to utilize the services of a guardian ad litem (child advocate) because my residence was unfit. He replied that it wasn't unfit 10 minutes ago but he still agreed. She also requested that I be analyzed phsychologically (go figure). He stated was she gonna pay for it and she said no.

I have to tell you all the our judge has a known temper throughout the community so that doesn't really help either of us. My lawyer stated that the child advocate might really help because I might be able to tell about why I felt the way I do about custody but they would also probably find out about her boyfriend.

We moved to the courtroom to get things on the record and her mother and aunt came in. The judge ended up kicking them out because her mother was trying to coach her. He then basically yelled at my wife because she seemed to be unwilling to communicate with my lawyer.

He also got mad at her because she suggested that I give her my insurance information (I've been on her insurance for 5 years) but he told her that she couldn't do that because we are still married.

He did have a few words for me stating that I couldn't stop the divorce (I thought right, but God can if he wants). He stated that i was trying to drag things out but no matter what happens, we will get a divorce.

He said that it seems that the two of us are simply trying to hurt one another now when he initially thought, way back in November, that this divorce would be smooth. I shook my head to his notion of me trying to hurt my wife and he asked why I did that. I just told him that I don't want to hurt my wife and that there are details that he's unaware of that cause me to be uncomfortable with my wife raising our daughter for the next 10 years.

He did say that we would have to go back to mediation and that it would possibly be another 3-4 months before any thing will get resolved. My wife wasn't the least bit happy about that. Lawyer said he thinks she may be already trying to get married again. I said IDK but who knows.

Anyways, that's the rather lengthy update.

Based on the portions of your post that I highlighted red, do you understand now why I said the things I underlined/bolded in my post above? Judges have little to no tolerance for this kind of stuff and will usually operate under the assumption that parents are doing it to punish the other spouse. I'm sure it did hurt/frustrate you to hear him say that. But, that's exactly why I linked those sites that gave examples and recommendations of how to pursue child custody effectively. I don't want this to backfire in your face any more than you do.

I hope my intentions are more clear now than they apparently were to you previously.

Yeah, the mediation is to try to get things settled before the judge signs the divorce decree. I'm not really tired and actually feel somewhat indifferent. What I almost got emotional about was his statement about me trying to hurt my wife. That is not and never has been my intent.

The advice that my attorney gave me was to know exactly what I wanted and what I was willing to compromise down to with regards to each issue that was on the table at mediation. It gave me room to negotiate and hopefully not have to negotiate down to a level I didn't want to be at. We weren't able to agree on a custody arrangement, though, so we ended up reverting to the court-ordered model on that.

 

[marksaysay]

Thought I'd add a quick update:

Due to the continued litigation in my divorce/custody case, it became evident I would need a second job. I went to a couple of places on Monday with some promise. On Tuesday, it hit me that I should try a place I'd previously worked 10 years ago since several of the managers and co-workers are still there.

Well, I went as spoke to a manager who told me to fill out an apt. I did. She then told me she would pass it on to the current GM who later came and interviewed me on the spot. She said she would call in the next couple of days. She called me an hour later and told me I could come to orientation THIS SATURDAY. I can start the following week. God is AWESOME!!!

 

[c1ners]

Thought I'd add a quick update:

Due to the continued litigation in my divorce/custody case, it became evident I would need a second job. I went to a couple of places on Monday with some promise. On Tuesday, it hit me that I should try a place I'd previously worked 10 years ago since several of the managers and co-workers are still there.

Well, I went as spoke to a manager who told me to fill out an apt. I did. She then told me she would pass it on to the current GM who later came and interviewed me on the spot. She said she would call in the next couple of days. She called me an hour later and told me I could come to orientation THIS SATURDAY. I can start the following week. God is AWESOME!!!

That's great! I hope this is just the beginning of good things.

 

[marksaysay]

That's great! I hope this is just the beginning of good things.

Well, I got up to go to work and my car didn't start. It's OKAY. Gods preparing me for something to be revealed at a later date.

 

[BlueJay83]

Gods preparing me for something to be revealed at a later date.

 

[dorig59]

A couple problems, though, with having a second job. FOA, the judge is going to want to know how you intend on taking care of your daughter if you get custody. If you're working 2 jobs, how will you be able to do that?

And secondly, if you don't get custody you'll have to pay child support, so you'll be paying more because of making more money. And they'll always want to hold you to the standard you set now.

Just a few things to keep in mind.

 

[marksaysay]

A couple problems, though, with having a second job. FOA, the judge is going to want to know how you intend on taking care of your daughter if you get custody. If you're working 2 jobs, how will you be able to do that?

And secondly, if you don't get custody you'll have to pay child support, so you'll be paying more because of making more money. And they'll always want to hold you to the standard you set now.

Just a few things to keep in mind.

I understand your points, but the facts are that I really need another job anyway for my short-term financial stability (at the least) as well as funding for the continued litigation. It's something that I really put off as long as possible.

We'll just have to see how this affects everything moving forward. I really had no choice.

 

[marksaysay]

Had orientation yesterday for my 2nd job. I'm so ready to start getting my life headed in a new direction starting with getting financially healthy. I know there are some reservations from some about the 2nd job and my custody battle but I have to worry about right now and let tomorrow take care of itself. And right now, I need more money.

A side note:

I got my car fixed yesterday morning just in time to go to orientation and then had a flat tire last night. I guess Satan isgoing to continue to apply pressure but he doesn't realize I know too much about God to turn my back on him. It didn't even bother me. I laughed, changed the tire, and went home.

God is with me and that's enough!