Is it abuse or was I selfish. Christian marriage advice /opinion needed

[Itsahappyday]

Hello
Please give me your opinion on this. Was I wrong?

I ask here because I don't share what happens with my marriage to anyone, except yesterday I shared for the very first time with my neice. So I have her opinion but my husband repeatedly states to me often that my family are losers, that based on their lives and what they accomplished, they are not references

Two nights ago I took the extra pillow that I use to watch tv in bed so that my neck doesn't hurt and put it at the foot of the bed because I was going to sleep. I need a pillow that is fluffy and full and remains upright because I am having a pinched nerve in my neck

My husband who has 5 pillows for his legs and 1 for his head told me me to give it to him. He does suffer from leg pains.

I said to him, but I don't want it to get ruined like the other 2 pillows (we had bought 2 new pillows awhile ago and he uses them for his legs and now they are indented severely in the middle and I can't use them ).

He got super super angry. Note.. When we got married I didn't have much, he had a house, car, etc... So he gave me a lot.

After I said I don't want my pillow to be ruined, he called me bad names, remove his ring, texted me 18 times "ungrateful (my name)" told me to go sleep elsewhere, said he was going to ignore me from now on, etc...

I was so affected by his name calling, over the fact that he denied ever calling me names 3 weeks ago ago (he either has memory issues or lies) that I barely slept and I felt shaky inside all the next day. I was thinking about leaving, not caring that he said no one would believe me if I told them about him (he's super nice to everyone else), the only thing that stopped me was all the good things he was does for the Lord, to spread the gospel, would be destroyed (if people believed me)

Maybe he was extra sensitive that day because I had left my purse in the trunk of the car for the 4 time and had to call OnStar to unlock it. I am super distracted.

He said if the soldiers of king David went to get him water, the least I could have done is given him the pillow. If there was a last piece of pie and he wanted it, he would expect me to as a loving wife's to give it to him. A mother would give her a child the last piece.

He's said many many other women would have been given him the pillow. He said that I am not giving (I make his meals, get his snacks and water/coffee /pop, laundry, clean house, when I go shopping try to buy things he likes, if he wants a treat meal from a restaurant and is working, I go get it). All I do is discounted because he says other women would do it too.

I just tried to explain to him that I didn't want my pillow ruined, indented like the others. If it gets indented, I can't use it.

In hindsight, which I only thought of later, I should have given it to him and then used to one of the extra pillows downstairs but it was late and I didn't think of it at the time.

Another thing that's may have made this worse is that 2-3 weeks after he called me bad names, when we were making love, he kept on asking me numerous times to look in his eyes and tell him I love him. I did but one of the times I I looked away and now he's upset about that too.

So.... Putting aside his behaviour, was I wrong to be reluctant to give him my pillow?

 

[bekkilyn]

No you were not wrong. What you are describing is indeed a form of abuse.

 

[Sabertooth]

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you two?

 

[RaymondG]

How long have you been married?

 

[ChristServant]

I do believe guys think differently to you girls and what your describing is nothing to do with the pillow but something much deeper. His type of behaviour I would call passive aggressive and he seems to have let something build up over time. He clearly feels unloved and is hurting for whatever reason.

If I knew my partner, if I had one that is, would have some relief from pain by me giving them something to help, I would have and replaced it later if it was ruined.

I think instead of going to other people about these things you should try to talk to your husband in a loving manner about his worries and what's going on. Pain can make you short with people, especially if it's ongoing. Remember none of us are perfect and we all need to be loved.


We no longer look to be served. We look to serve and give our lives for others. No longer fight for privilege, influence and status. We esteem others better than ourselves and put their interests above our own.

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him

Peace be with all those in the body of Christ

 

[Dansiph]

He said if the soldiers of king David went to get him water, the least I could have done is given him the pillow.

King David did not ask for the water directly and when his soldiers returned he would not drink it and offered it to God. Your husband's comparison of himself and the situation to King David's is baffling.

More importantly I feel the actions of your husband were very unloving. The selfishness seems to be with him. I think the criciticism of your family and the almost blackmail of removing the ring, name calling etc seem abusive. I've read abusive people try to mentally isolate you. I'm not connected to the situation so I'm just going off what you told us.

 

[thecolorsblend]

Is it really that big of a deal to buy a new pillow?

 

[Dansiph]

texted me 18 times "ungrateful (my name)"

This behaviour seems to come from someone unstable.

 

[Albion]

More of the blame seems to go to your husband, but I'd say that there appear to be festering resentments on the part of both parties that are coming out in these mostly minor conflicts.

If both of you would be willing to sit down with a good counselor, it might help get to the bottom of the unexpressed needs that both of you are feeling.

 

[Dansiph]

Men, I am not married but I feel some things have went over your heads. Texting 18 times? Comparing his wife to a soldier in service of a King? Asking his wife to look in his eyes during intimacy and tell him she loves him numerous times. Would you treat your wives like this? That isn't normal behaviour.

 

[Arc F1]

Hello
Please give me your opinion on this. Was I wrong?

I ask here because I don't share what happens with my marriage to anyone, except yesterday I shared for the very first time with my neice. So I have her opinion but my husband repeatedly states to me often that my family are losers, that based on their lives and what they accomplished, they are not references

Two nights ago I took the extra pillow that I use to watch tv in bed so that my neck doesn't hurt and put it at the foot of the bed because I was going to sleep. I need a pillow that is fluffy and full and remains upright because I am having a pinched nerve in my neck

My husband who has 5 pillows for his legs and 1 for his head told me me to give it to him. He does suffer from leg pains.

I said to him, but I don't want it to get ruined like the other 2 pillows (we had bought 2 new pillows awhile ago and he uses them for his legs and now they are indented severely in the middle and I can't use them ).

He got super super angry. Note.. When we got married I didn't have much, he had a house, car, etc... So he gave me a lot.

After I said I don't want my pillow to be ruined, he called me bad names, remove his ring, texted me 18 times "ungrateful (my name)" told me to go sleep elsewhere, said he was going to ignore me from now on, etc...

I was so affected by his name calling, over the fact that he denied ever calling me names 3 weeks ago ago (he either has memory issues or lies) that I barely slept and I felt shaky inside all the next day. I was thinking about leaving, not caring that he said no one would believe me if I told them about him (he's super nice to everyone else), the only thing that stopped me was all the good things he was does for the Lord, to spread the gospel, would be destroyed (if people believed me)

Maybe he was extra sensitive that day because I had left my purse in the trunk of the car for the 4 time and had to call OnStar to unlock it. I am super distracted.

He said if the soldiers of king David went to get him water, the least I could have done is given him the pillow. If there was a last piece of pie and he wanted it, he would expect me to as a loving wife's to give it to him. A mother would give her a child the last piece.

He's said many many other women would have been given him the pillow. He said that I am not giving (I make his meals, get his snacks and water/coffee /pop, laundry, clean house, when I go shopping try to buy things he likes, if he wants a treat meal from a restaurant and is working, I go get it). All I do is discounted because he says other women would do it too.

I just tried to explain to him that I didn't want my pillow ruined, indented like the others. If it gets indented, I can't use it.

In hindsight, which I only thought of later, I should have given it to him and then used to one of the extra pillows downstairs but it was late and I didn't think of it at the time.

Another thing that's may have made this worse is that 2-3 weeks after he called me bad names, when we were making love, he kept on asking me numerous times to look in his eyes and tell him I love him. I did but one of the times I I looked away and now he's upset about that too.

So.... Putting aside his behaviour, was I wrong to be reluctant to give him my pillow?

Seems pretty petty to me. Give the man his pillow. I would give my wife the pillow without hesitation. If it bothers you to do anything your partner asks something else is wrong. Fix it before it gets worse.

 

[bèlla]

You've answered your question in the OP. But it wasn't the one you posed. You said:

My husband repeatedly states to me often that my family are losers, that based on their lives and what they accomplished, they are not references

and

When we got married I didn't have much, he had a house, car, etc... So he gave me a lot.

and

He called me bad names, remove his ring, texted me 18 times "ungrateful (my name)" told me to go sleep elsewhere, said he was going to ignore me from now on, etc.

and

If there was a last piece of pie and he wanted it, he would expect me to as a loving wife's to give it to him.

You have an inequitable bond. In his mind you owe him. That's the whole of it. The comments about your family and other women echo the same. I'm uncertain if you observed it before you married. But ideologies like his rarely spring up overnight. They're ingrained.

Displays of possessiveness and aggression reinforce superiority. While it can be appealing during lovemaking, the words were meant to wound not entice. The expectation of obedience and accommodation are evident. You should do as he asks because he's deserving.

In my experience, it's difficult to shift deep seeded mindsets like his without the Lord's involvement. It touches the heart of the value system with related incidents that established its presence. Obeisance and control are their aim and it has a complement. They usually choose deferential women or those willing to excuse their actions and accept recrimination in its place.

The energy is two-fold. Force requires surrender or the two will clash. You'd never get along without yielding. If that's already established the desire for more often follows. Power is addicting. That's the heart of your dilemma. He views you as a possession far more than an equal.

Were you wrong to keep the pillow?

Never establish a pattern you don't want to maintain. Old habits die hard. If you've developed a practice of bending and operate out of character, he'll revolt. As he did.

I'm addressing cause and effect in my response. You can't repair what's broken until you understand the behaviors keeping it in place. Change is needed on both ends.

Yours in His Service,

~Bella

 

[A_Thinker]

Hello
Please give me your opinion on this. Was I wrong?

I ask here because I don't share what happens with my marriage to anyone, except yesterday I shared for the very first time with my neice. So I have her opinion but my husband repeatedly states to me often that my family are losers, that based on their lives and what they accomplished, they are not references

Two nights ago I took the extra pillow that I use to watch tv in bed so that my neck doesn't hurt and put it at the foot of the bed because I was going to sleep. I need a pillow that is fluffy and full and remains upright because I am having a pinched nerve in my neck

My husband who has 5 pillows for his legs and 1 for his head told me me to give it to him. He does suffer from leg pains.

I said to him, but I don't want it to get ruined like the other 2 pillows (we had bought 2 new pillows awhile ago and he uses them for his legs and now they are indented severely in the middle and I can't use them ).

He got super super angry. Note.. When we got married I didn't have much, he had a house, car, etc... So he gave me a lot.

After I said I don't want my pillow to be ruined, he called me bad names, remove his ring, texted me 18 times "ungrateful (my name)" told me to go sleep elsewhere, said he was going to ignore me from now on, etc...

I was so affected by his name calling, over the fact that he denied ever calling me names 3 weeks ago ago (he either has memory issues or lies) that I barely slept and I felt shaky inside all the next day. I was thinking about leaving, not caring that he said no one would believe me if I told them about him (he's super nice to everyone else), the only thing that stopped me was all the good things he was does for the Lord, to spread the gospel, would be destroyed (if people believed me)

Maybe he was extra sensitive that day because I had left my purse in the trunk of the car for the 4 time and had to call OnStar to unlock it. I am super distracted.

He said if the soldiers of king David went to get him water, the least I could have done is given him the pillow. If there was a last piece of pie and he wanted it, he would expect me to as a loving wife's to give it to him. A mother would give her a child the last piece.

He's said many many other women would have been given him the pillow. He said that I am not giving (I make his meals, get his snacks and water/coffee /pop, laundry, clean house, when I go shopping try to buy things he likes, if he wants a treat meal from a restaurant and is working, I go get it). All I do is discounted because he says other women would do it too.

I just tried to explain to him that I didn't want my pillow ruined, indented like the others. If it gets indented, I can't use it.

In hindsight, which I only thought of later, I should have given it to him and then used to one of the extra pillows downstairs but it was late and I didn't think of it at the time.

Another thing that's may have made this worse is that 2-3 weeks after he called me bad names, when we were making love, he kept on asking me numerous times to look in his eyes and tell him I love him. I did but one of the times I I looked away and now he's upset about that too.

So.... Putting aside his behaviour, was I wrong to be reluctant to give him my pillow?

I wonder how old you guys are. Would you mind sharing ?

It sounds like both of you are dealing with some pain issues. That can make you cranky ... and make you feel entitled.

I think that I might ask to talk to him and tell that I am sorry I couldn't understand the pain he was going through, but that you were having pain of your own.

You might try to get him to commit with you to having everything that each of you need to sleep comfortably in the room with you before you retire.

You can frame it as we can try to take care of each other ... and see how he responds to that.

I agree that the two of you could use some counseling ...

 

[Dansiph]

Seems pretty petty to me. Give the man his pillow. I would give my wife the pillow without hesitation. If it bothers you to do anything your partner asks something else is wrong. Fix it before it gets worse.

Is demanding a 7th pillow reasonable?

 

[RaymondG]

I find no fault in any of the actions.... But it would be wise to note that the wife states that the husband gave her a lot....houses cars etc.... She knew that the husband had issues with his legs and that using pillows to raise them would help. He asked her to give him a pillow that she was not using at the time to help relieve his pain......She told him no because he might ruin it before her next use.

I think it normal to feel insulted by this. I would give my wife everything she needed to help her relieve pain without any thought of myself. I've know some couples to ignore their own pain to tend to the pain of the spouse. This is not unheard of.

It seems that both parties feel disrespected by the other...and have both resorted to putting themselves and their own feelings above the feelings of their spouse.

 

[Arc F1]

Is demanding a 7th pillow reasonable?

I would give my wife a hundred pillows if she wants them. Wouldn't bother me at all. It's not about reasonable it's about putting your spouses needs above your own.

Hey, I'm a guy I don't know anything. Lol

 

[RaymondG]

Is demanding a 7th pillow reasonable?

When/if you get married, you will be willing to give your spouse anything they desire.....even a 7th pillow for pain management.

 

[Dansiph]

I would give my wife a hundred pillows if she wants them. Wouldn't bother me at all. It's not about reasonable it's about putting your spouses needs above your own.

Hey, I'm a guy I don't know anything. Lol

So, he literally demanded the seventh pillow ignoring his wife's neck pain. To add to his already nice set of five foot pillows and a pillow for the head. The one who is not putting up with his spouse's needs is the husband. What did @Itsahappyday do wrong?

 

[Dansiph]

When/if you get married, you will be willing to give your spouse anything they desire.....even a 7th pillow for pain management.

Yeah exactly so I wouldn't behave like that and hog all the pillows, text 18 times etc. Excusing this man's behaviour is really worrying. Based purely off what is written. This is not normal.

 

[Arc F1]

So, he literally demanded the seventh pillow ignoring his wife's neck pain. To add to his already nice set of five foot pillows and a pillow for the head. The one who is not putting up with his spouse's needs is the husband. What did @Itsahappyday do wrong?

Getting mad over a pillow.