Infertility and God's plan.

[Peble]

I don't place much faith in doctors saying a person is infertile. Why? My sister was supposed to be barren and unable to have children. She's currently pregnant with her third child. Sarah in Genesis was supposed to be barren and she had Isaac. So doctors are just full of it. I'm supposed to be infertile but yet I have faith that one day God will give me a child also. There's a chance you'll be able to have children also. So my advice is don't give up. If God wants you to have a wife he will give you one. It might not be today or tomorrow but if its in Gods plan he will give you one. I was 28 years old when I met my wife and 29 when I married her. Also if its in Gods plan for you to have children barren or not he will give you one. It'll be at Gods chosen time though and you might not like his answer. I might be 50 years old before I start having children. Doesn't matter though Gods will will be Done.

Thanks for sharing your story. It was very helpful.

 

[Peble]

Peble- why do you not ask God for things? He knows this has crushed you and how much you want children, call out to Him for help and peace. Ask God That He might give you peace and make His purpose for this known to you. You might not understand now why this has happened, but some of the other posters are right maybe He will bless you with fertility again one day or children in another way; or maybe he won't, but either way your life is for His glory. But you can definitely ask for understanding! Draw near to Him Peble! Pray that He would heal you from this deep pain and that in someway you can learn how to glorify Him through it.

I also hope you consider adoption although you don't find it very appealing. It is a beautiful testament to what God has done for us- Jesus saved us and adopted us into his eternal family.

I pray you will draw near to Him through this trial!

I don't because of 2 reasons primarily. Firstly, I do not feel entitled to given that I never really was a good christian and secondly because I believe that God will stick by his plans irrespective of what I ask. Thank you for your friendly and encouraging words.

 

[Peble]

well I'm 10 years older and in the same boat. thought always ne day we could have kids but as time goes on the possibility looks less and less.

Here's what I learned. It's not about you/me. it is about the child. if you/I cant learn to love a child no matter it's origin then at the same time having a child coming from me and loving it... is the wrong kind of love. Or put it simply you are not willing to work on love any deeper than what comes naturally. if this is true then you are not ready/worthy. I know harsh words, but so are no child is worthy of my love unless it comes from my loins. which like it or not is essentially what you said. it is what I said. my sister your age same boat, and she adopted, and has lived in hell with this child for 4 years, then I saw the change. the love she was not willing to give the hard fought love she held back she offered to this adopted child, and now she is prego with her own, after so many different tries/medical procedures and doctors saying it is not possible. There was a selfishness about her that I still have, she gave it up and I've come to terms with it.
I still don't want to adopt and I am ok with no kids. why? because I get to do the things i want to and travel with my wife. if we get wanting the family experience we invite the nieces and nephews over and at the end of the day we are good for another month or so.

In truth God's plan for infertility is to see those children who lost parents from one thing or another a way to grow up in a loving home. if you do not want to be apart of what God has done to provide for those children in desperate need, then you are not in a place/selfish to have a child on your own. Some of us simply are not meant for kids even if you think you are. (by your own admission you are not) So then seek out other ways to serve God. there are many who fall through the cracks full time parents can not manage on their own. try and push past your want and seek to serve God as a big brother or someone who can help a struggling family in some way. (what I did/do)

Thank you for sharing your story. As for adoption I do not find it appealing because I do not feel that adopting a child would mitigate the grief my inability to father a child causes me. I'm sure other people see it differently and that's well and good but for me personally, that's how I feel at the moment. I am not looking for a way to channel my love towards a child. If that was my issue, I am sure that adoption could be an effective solution; however, even in that case, I'd still not opt for adoption probably. I'd rather take up voluntary work instead. There's plenty of children and people in need of love around the world than one can adopt.

 

[Peble]

Hello Peble, I am really sorry about your current situation. Having read the bible cover to cover several times, and learning new and amazing things each time, I have come to the humble conclusion that God can do anything…and I mean ANYTHING! He is the God who sees, the God who heals, and the God who protects. Only God knows His plans for you, but it is not too far or too wide for Him to fix your current problem if it is in His will. So, if you do not feel like you have “the gift of singleness”, then marriage should not be ruled out.


I do have one question that I would like you to consider, though. What is it about adoption that is not “appealing” to you? The only reason that I ask is that there have already been 1,600 abortions today and 60.7 million since 1973. With that many babies being executed because they are not wanted post-natal, is there a need for people willing to adopt?

Thank you for sharing. I'll try to clarify what I exactly meant by "not appealing" at some point. Abortion is in my view murder of the most defenseless, most vulnerable and most innocent, so the figures you've quoted do certainly drive the point home: yes there is need for people willing to adopt and do whatever it takes to save innocent lives.

 

[Peble]

I'm curious now...What prompted you as a single christian guy to go get tested to see if you be sterile?

I've been asked this several times actually. Why is this interesting enough to put it in bold even?
I had a blood test for unrelated reasons and it got me thinking so I got tested and, well, I found out.

 

[Peble]

Then why are you against adoption? The gospel of Jesus Christ is all about adoption.

I never said that I am against adoption. I said that I do not find it appealing as a solution to my problem. I suppose what you meant to ask is: why don't I find it appealing, right? If that is the case, then the answer would be:

For the same reason people who are able to have their own biological children tend to give precedence to having their own biological children instead of adopting, I would think. I think one has to keep in mind that being unwilling to adopt does not necessarily mean that one is unwilling to love children who aren't biologically his/her perhaps just as much as if they were.

 

[mama2one]

As for adoption I do not find it appealing because I do not feel that adopting a child would mitigate the grief my inability to father a child causes me.

sorry, this causes you much grief
it would be good for you to grieve this now

even before anyone adopts, it's important for them to have gotten over dealing with infertility so it doesn't affect bonding/attachment

we don't know why we didn't have kids but my Dr said I was healthy so it may have been my husband but he didn't want to get tested

I never prayed to get pregnant only prayed for a child
and God did answer my prayer as husband eventually came around to the idea of adopting, we both faced our fears about adopting, and God gave us hope to wait 4 plus yrs during the adoption wait

so you just never know what God can do

 

[Peble]

sorry, this causes you much grief
it would be good for you to grieve this now

even before anyone adopts, it's important for them to have gotten over dealing with infertility so it doesn't affect bonding/attachment

we don't know why we didn't have kids but my Dr said I was healthy so it may have been my husband but he didn't want to get tested

I never prayed to get pregnant only prayed for a child
and God did answer my prayer as husband eventually came around to the idea of adopting, we both faced our fears about adopting, and God gave us hope to wait 4 plus yrs during the adoption wait

so you just never know what God can do

I love your story and am very happy for you and your family. I've been told by various people besides yourself that adoption is not a walk in the park and it surly wasn't in your case because of your husband's views on adoption but it worked out for you and now you have a great, happy family. Very happy for you indeed. Thanks for sharing and for your kind words.

 

[JoeP222w]

I never said that I am against adoption. I said that I do not find it appealing as a solution to my problem. I suppose what you meant to ask is: why don't I find it appealing, right? If that is the case, then the answer would be:

For the same reason people who are able to have their own biological children tend to give precedence to having their own biological children instead of adopting, I would think. I think one has to keep in mind that being unwilling to adopt does not necessarily mean that one is unwilling to love children who aren't biologically his/her perhaps just as much as if they were.

I am confused. You are not able to have biological children. You are not willing to adopt. So how does demonstrate love towards children?

Parents choose how much they love their children. If they love (or give precedence to) a biological child more than an adopted child, then they are demonstrating their sinfulness of life in a sin-cursed world. I know adoptive couples who have had biological children and adoptive children and they have a tremendous love for all of their children. Just because a child is adopted, that does not make them a second class child in a family.

And if someone finds adoption unappealing, I struggle to understand how they know the gospel of Jesus Christ. Christians, of all people in the world, should be the greatest proponents of adoption on the planet.

 

[drich0150]

Thank you for sharing your story. As for adoption I do not find it appealing because I do not feel that adopting a child would mitigate the grief my inability to father a child causes me. I'm sure other people see it differently and that's well and good but for me personally, that's how I feel at the moment. I am not looking for a way to channel my love towards a child. If that was my issue, I am sure that adoption could be an effective solution; however, even in that case, I'd still not opt for adoption probably. I'd rather take up voluntary work instead. There's plenty of children and people in need of love around the world than one can adopt.

You asked what God's plan was for the infertile... while I did speak of personal position and my situation my intent was to convey what God expects of us.

Again not about you and me, but we are put in a place to help kids who have no other chance of living in the mother/father structure He has set aside for the ideal growing up experience. That is what God wants. He also used infertility to help us see where our hearts are. what we value the most and who we put first. if it is the need for a child or a desire to serve God./Is god a means to an end or do we seek to serve God in any capacity He directs us/as a adoptive parent or a natural born parent. If we seek a child above all else then I think you have your answer. Why would God give you something that only takes you further away? Rather than saying wait, get your house together before you fill it. he allows you to fill your house where every scrap of time is taken.

Would you allow you child to do something that would hurt them long term even if at the moment it would make them happy? If your children cost you your relationship with God later... then why would God give you what you want now?

 

[AnnaDeborah]

I am confused. You are not able to have biological children. You are not willing to adopt. So how does demonstrate love towards children?

It is always a shock when someone who thought they were healthy and presumably physical capable of having children finds out that they are not. Most people need time to grieve and adjust to this. The 'just adopt' attitude overlooks this grieving process. I have known many couples and individuals facing this kind of news - many of them have gone on to adopt or foster, but I don't know of a single one who has gone "oh, I can't have kids? Great, I can adopt instead!" straight away.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Miracles can happen. WIth that said it is VERY hard to find a woman who wants to marry a man who can't have kids. Even if they are willing to adopt. Its just a natural strong urge in a woman to want kids. Sometimes though they don't realize having kids is not the point of life. My wife at first had a hard time accepting we may not have kids. But over time she accepted it and that not everyone is meant to have kids.

Just pray God puts someone in your life that realizes not having kids isn't the end of the world. Nothings impossible with God.

 

[Peble]

Thanks everyone for your input. It is very helpful.