In need of rescuing...

[pentecostal girl]

Hello, friends! I've been a self injurier for abbout 3 years now, but I was clean for about a year of it....until recently. I had a few moments of weakness and the bad part is I'm a worship leader! I feel so guilty about it since I am in a role of leadership in my church. I feel so inadequate to be placed in that position.

Anyway, We have recenty undergone a HUGE change in our church and it hurt a family horriby. One of them was my best friend. She was distraught and it makes the situation even worse because I'm a pastor's daugther. Anywho,let me start from the beggining.... My family and I lived in Arkansas for 7 years. I loved it there. I was in college, I had tons of good friends, and I was about to move in an apartment.... then I got the news that my dad was trying out for a church and he would like for me to be there. So, I went... and a few days later my dad got a phone call that the church would like to have him as there new pastor. I was devastated. My world had shattered.

So, we moved here and I was so upset that I decided not to go back to school and decided to work full time. I was depressed and didn't have anyone to talk to. I didn't have any friends, until I started working with the youth leader at our church. She was my hero. She helped me so much. When I had urges to hurt myself, she was there. All I had to do was text here and she would stay up with me all night until I fell asleep. She was and is my best friend. She was part of the family that got hurt. She quit working with youth, I quit as well, and she was so hurt that she couldn't even come back to our church. This happened months ago and she is still hurt. We are a growing church and I understand that people can't always hang with change very well, and that is why she was hurt... plus some other things but I'd rather not go into all the details. It's a long story. Anywho, she left our church and I'm hurt so bad for her. I still don't know what to do.I'm in church everytime the doors are open, plus some. Even in the midst of hurt, I still kept going and worshipping God. I prayed, fasted and cried many night... but still felt nothing. It seems like God is blessing everyone else but me. Why? He feels so far away and I feel so alone. I don't know what do do anymore. All I do is cry and my best friend hardly has time to talk to me. I think it's hard for her too because it reminds her of our church. Why has God taken her away from me? I don't understand.I have nothing. I know alot of this probably doesn't make any sense because I'm writing as the thoughts come to mind, so sorry. I guess I just don't know what to do anymore or who to turn to. I feel so lost and alone.

 

[NoddaProbBob]

I understand some of what you're going through.
I've been SIing for about 4 years now. I know your feelings of 'why has God taken this person or this person away'. This is tough to struggle with and I have many times. The hurt is fresh and so much is going through your head and your first question is why?
But sadly no one but God has the answer to this, and you just have to wait and see in his time.
I know it may not be the answer you're looking for. Its frustrating because you feel helpless and you wish you had an immediate answer. I've known this frustration. But the only answer is to keep praying and being faithful and wait for God to reveal himself.
I've been through alot and sometimes I constantly was crying and praying and asking myself why God wasn't saving me.
But he has saved me. God provides and saves in his time. And in the end he will be there to hold you and carry you through it all.
Remember this. It's helped me too.

"Footprints in the Sand" (part of it)

" 'Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way. I don't understand why, when I needed you most, you would leave me...' The Lord replied, 'My precious child. I love you and would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you saw only one set of footprints...It was then, that I carried you.' "