I'm so sad

[Sam48]

24June I lost my mom of lungcancer. Months I've been thinking 'she'll come back' and i'm still waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm angry at God for taking away my only stable factor, my mom. Even though she never protected my from my abusive father, she loved me and she cared, she didn't know about my father~ he made her hollow like he tried me.

My mother~she was my best friend and support... she was there when I had to face after 20 years what my father had done to me.... together we realised that after his death we didn't need him and became stronger.

Now I'm on my own. I'm scared and frightened: I've never had a loving,safe invironment and I've learned that you better break your own glasses before someone else does.

I'm scared to trust, to hope for a future. Everything i ever had, is taken away; destroyed.

I KNOW Jesus loves me... He is my greatest support, I know this will make me stronger but I'm griefing, for everything I've lost~all I'd never had.

Why?! All this pain, sickness, abuse, losses, rape; I'm on my own and in so much pain. Please, can you understand my desperation?

*cries*

 

[Snowyyy]

Please don't be depressed. I hope and pray that things change soon making you a happy person.

 

[Sam48]

Hon, I'm not depressed... only overwhelmed by all those emotions. You're an angel.! (((hugs)))

 

[TeacherOfTheLight]

24June I lost my mom of lungcancer. Months I've been thinking 'she'll come back' and i'm still waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm angry at God for taking away my only stable factor, my mom. Even though she never protected my from my abusive father, she loved me and she cared, she didn't know about my father~ he made her hollow like he tried me.

My mother~she was my best friend and support... she was there when I had to face after 20 years what my father had done to me.... together we realised that after his death we didn't need him and became stronger.

Now I'm on my own. I'm scared and frightened: I've never had a loving,safe invironment and I've learned that you better break your own glasses before someone else does.

I'm scared to trust, to hope for a future. Everything i ever had, is taken away; destroyed.

I KNOW Jesus loves me... He is my greatest support, I know this will make me stronger but I'm griefing, for everything I've lost~all I'd never had.

Why?! All this pain, sickness, abuse, losses, rape; I'm on my own and in so much pain. Please, can you understand my desperation?

*cries*

I feel grief for your loss. It is hard to lose thoes associations our minds have made to certain emotions.

Just trust in what brings you peace. Follow the decisions that bring you that peace. In time you will create new positive associations to certain emotions that will fufill you and make you whole.

You seem optimistic, I have no doubt that you will find what you seek. Seek with a pure heart, and no harm can befall you.

 

[Sam48]

Yes, I try to be lighthearted but sometimes my mask falls of and I cry... I tend to link crying to weakness while I know that in fact crying is a sign of strenght because you make yourself vunerable.

 

[TeacherOfTheLight]

Yes, I try to be lighthearted but sometimes my mask falls of and I cry... I tend to link crying to weakness while I know that in fact crying is a sign of strenght because you make yourself vunerable.

Indeed it is. You have much wisdom. Making yourself vulnerable is a sign of strength. How do you learn to walk if you don't first fall down.

Just ensure that you do learn from your vulnerable state, rather than makeing it your focus.

At the same time, do not deny the emotions you feel, but embrace them.

 

[satrunstar]

praying for you

 

[Luther073082]

I feel sorry for you as you where abused and have lost your loving parent early.

The first question is if you are doing alright financially speaking?

If you are alright financially I think you need to call upon some friends if you have any and if you do not go out and make friends.

I'm also wondering if you are doing alright when it comes to recovering from the abuse. Does the abuse itself still affect you? If it does then I would recommend going tand seeing someone and talking about it with them.

Do you have any siblings? If not any aunts and uncles or cousins? Maybe you could talk with your cousins a bit. Especially you where an only child then any cousins or aunt's and uncles should be rallying around you right now.

If you want to talk about it further, PM me and I'll give you one of my IM addresses and sometime when I'm off work we can talk about it a bit.

I'll pray for you.

 

[QuakerOats]

24June I lost my mom of lungcancer. Months I've been thinking 'she'll come back' and i'm still waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm angry at God for taking away my only stable factor, my mom. Even though she never protected my from my abusive father, she loved me and she cared, she didn't know about my father~ he made her hollow like he tried me.

My mother~she was my best friend and support... she was there when I had to face after 20 years what my father had done to me.... together we realised that after his death we didn't need him and became stronger.

Now I'm on my own. I'm scared and frightened: I've never had a loving,safe invironment and I've learned that you better break your own glasses before someone else does.

I'm scared to trust, to hope for a future. Everything i ever had, is taken away; destroyed.

I KNOW Jesus loves me... He is my greatest support, I know this will make me stronger but I'm griefing, for everything I've lost~all I'd never had.

Why?! All this pain, sickness, abuse, losses, rape; I'm on my own and in so much pain. Please, can you understand my desperation?

*cries*

I understand. The loss of someone close to you is always tough, but feeling overwhelmed is a natural response to it, especially given all that you've been through. One of the things that tends to help people is talking about it, or writing it down-getting it all out, and off your chest. You've done that here to some extent, so hopefully you're feeling a bit better. If not, perhaps a close friend might be able to lend an ear?

I know how you must be feeling-anger, sadness, desperation, denial...perhaps even guilt. I haven't lost my mother-not to death, anyway-but she lives in a home for the mentally ill, and she's often 'not there,' so to speak. She and I have had many issues over the years, including verbal and physical abuse. I lost a younger sister back in '99, and that really set things awry for our entire family. If you want, or need to talk, just pm me, and I'll be glad to lend an ear.

 

[plum]

I identify a bit with you in that I also lost a parent to cancer much too early (I was 20). I sometimes still feel so lost without my father's guidance and steady spirit. It's really okay to be terrified, sad, angry, overwhelmed... it sucks. But it's really okay to feel. Just don't shut down your emotions like I did. I was too afraid to feel things as strongly as you seem to.

It takes courage to move another step along the path without someone with you. I hope God will show you His love and care in very practical ways.

 

[danstar]

your in my thoughts and prayers, i hope you come thru all this well

 

[HunnyBee]

24June I lost my mom of lungcancer. Months I've been thinking 'she'll come back' and i'm still waiting for me to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm angry at God for taking away my only stable factor, my mom. Even though she never protected my from my abusive father, she loved me and she cared, she didn't know about my father~ he made her hollow like he tried me.

My mother~she was my best friend and support... she was there when I had to face after 20 years what my father had done to me.... together we realised that after his death we didn't need him and became stronger.

Now I'm on my own. I'm scared and frightened: I've never had a loving,safe invironment and I've learned that you better break your own glasses before someone else does.

I'm scared to trust, to hope for a future. Everything i ever had, is taken away; destroyed.

I KNOW Jesus loves me... He is my greatest support, I know this will make me stronger but I'm griefing, for everything I've lost~all I'd never had.

Why?! All this pain, sickness, abuse, losses, rape; I'm on my own and in so much pain. Please, can you understand my desperation?

*cries*

My heart goes out to you. Life is unfair, that's for sure. We might not understand why life brings so much pain, but that pain does not have to be in vain. Some people become bitter and distant as a result of that, but don't let that happen to you. It's through our struggles and problems that we strengthen and grow in our walk with the Lord, and when other people see the light in you that shines it becomes a living testimony. I'm praying for you and my PM box is always open. It's important that you talk about it and don't keep everything on the inside.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I am saying a prayer for you right now

 

[Sam48]

I feel sorry for you as you where abused and have lost your loving parent early.

The first question is if you are doing alright financially speaking?

If you are alright financially I think you need to call upon some friends if you have any and if you do not go out and make friends.

I'm also wondering if you are doing alright when it comes to recovering from the abuse. Does the abuse itself still affect you? If it does then I would recommend going tand seeing someone and talking about it with them.

Do you have any siblings? If not any aunts and uncles or cousins? Maybe you could talk with your cousins a bit. Especially you where an only child then any cousins or aunt's and uncles should be rallying around you right now.

If you want to talk about it further, PM me and I'll give you one of my IM addresses and sometime when I'm off work we can talk about it a bit.

I'll pray for you.

I have therapy for the afteraffects of the abuse, every weeks twice; it's hard but usefull.

@ Quaker: thanks for your support

Plum: I'm sorry you had to go through that... yes I miss my moms advice and listening ear a lot.
I only have my 90 years old grandma, financialy I have hired someone to take care of things... the hardest thing is the lonelyness.

Danstar: Thank your for praying and caring.

@ Hunnybee... thank you. I try not to get bittered and I realise I have to go through it to become stronger outta it.

Everyone who replied; thank you so much, for your prayers, kind words and understanding; it really means so much to me.

 

[TryingToLive]

I wont be one of the ones to tell you to not worry or be angry. You need your time to mourn and feel all of the emotions that come along with such a tragedy to be able to come to a point where closure is possible. But please be aware that Jesus is synonymous with the word comfort. Try to bring all your hurt and pain to the Lord. I could only imagine the frustration you feel towards God in a situation like this, but all that I can say is that I will be thinking about you and praying because your story has touched me!

 

[Sam48]

Last evening I cut myself. I had to go to the ER. Today is a new day. I'm going for life again; yesterday I just broke.

 

[Luther073082]

Last evening I cut myself. I had to go to the ER. Today is a new day. I'm going for life again; yesterday I just broke.

You cut yourself on purpose?

Can you go to live with someone for a while. I'm really worried about you dear.

 

[Sam48]

Yes it's hard atm. Yes I cut myself on puprhose; I totally broke... it's less then it used to be a few years ago I needed stitches three times a week and now I hadn't cut for over a month... I just cracked; so much pain inside.

 

[Sam48]

If you interested you can read my testimony... I also recently lost my mother.

 

[Luther073082]

You need someone around you. I wish I could help you with something more then just words. If you where in the US I'd PM you my number so you can talk to me whenever you think about cutting yourself. But if you called me it cost you a fortune from overseas.

Are you sure you have no family at all that could help you through this?

Could you do me a favor and try excersizing regularly if you arn't?

Is there anything I can do to help you?