I'm smitten!

[Nater_Tater]

So yeah, after about two years of dating around looking for a girl that interested me, I finally found one. She's a cute red-head girl that I work with. We enjoy the same movies, music, and even video games. We've hung out at her house and watched movies a few times, we've gone to the movies and gone out to eat dinner together a few times as well. I really like the girl and I'm amazed that after all this time being single, I'm actually WANT to be in a relationship with this girl.

Bad thing is, she's already got a boyfriend. See, her family just moved here from a different state and she came with them. She's still with her boyfriend, and talks about him alot when we're hanging out. I really don't know what to do. A part of me wants to keep hanging out with her because she's such an awsome person. But another part of me wants to break things off. If it turns out that she's interested in being more than just friends and makes some kind of move on me, I don't know if I'd be able to resist the temptations. I Seriously don't want to become "the other man" in her life..but I don't want to loose a good friend either.

So what do you all think I should do?

 

[Sketcher]

How long have you known her? It doesn't sound like that long. Let me tell you from experience, cool your jets right now. Everybody seems like they're perfect the first few months you meet them. Only by really getting to know a woman over time do you really know what kind of person she is. She's awesome now, will she be as awesome after getting to know her for 6 months or a year?

 

[jepvc4]

I think you're already on the right track brother. I've been in the same situation, only things got worse, I allowed myself to build up a pseudo-relationship in my head, interpreting things to mean that she had a thing for me, and would go for me if she wasn't already "bound" to her relationship with a long-distance boyfriend. I am still friends with her, but I don't hang out as often with her. I think that your plan to distance yourself is the best move, especially if you feel like you could be at risk for becoming attracted to her and don't want to go through falling for a girl already taken.

 

[Living4Him03]

It's sad to say that some girls, okay many of us, do this. Is her relationship with her boyfriend not going so well? This is my guess. See, sometimes we (not saying this is alltogether a good thing) are unhappy with the guy we are with, want to break up with him possibly, but aren't sure. We want to see that there's something better out there. When we meet that guy that is something better (in this case i'm assuming that's you) we forget about our boyfriend and in some ways wish that you would ask us to break up with our boyfriend so that we can date you instead.

Be her friend and help her sort out whether she wants to stay with this guy or not, but don't make any moves on her and if she tries to make a move on you (well first that isnt ladylike) run away! Seriously, get up and leave and tell her why you are doing so. Distancing yourself, as someone else said, is probably a good idea at this time. It sorta sounds like the two of you have actually been on dates, you just have not called it that. You need to sort things out with her asap and make sure the both of you know that when you hang out it's strictly as friends.

 

[wgjones3]

Harsh as it sounds, it seems to me like she's using you to fill the emotional void left by her absentee boyfriend.

My advice is probably nothing you're going to want to hear. But I'll give it anyway. Just tell her how you feel about her, tell her that you don't want to be the reason anybody's relationship breaks up but you can't just be friends with her either. Tell her that you're feeling things toward her that are only going to cause pain because the circumstances aren't right and since you can't help the way you feel, you just need to put some distance between the two of you until your feelings change. And tell her that if she breaks up with her boyfriend, you'd like to go out with her, but you're not going to ask her to break up with him or chose you over him. Then tell her that you want to be friends and you want to keep in touch but right now circumstances necessitate that you do so from a bit of a distance.

I think if you follow through with that, it will a) let her know you're interested, b) put everybody on a level playing field emotionally speaking, and c) give you time to clear your head and maybe save you from some long-term agony in the form of falling in love with somebody who isn't meant to be.

Just my 0.02 cents, adjusted for inflation.

 

[BlessedVegan]

Why are you all assuming she's doing something negative..ie..wanting to leave her boyfriend, or using the current guy? Maybe she just likes him as a friend and enjoys hanging out with him. Nothing they've done is something that couldn't be done with someone who's just a friend. I don't have any good advice for you, unfortunately. But I don't think she's necacarily unhappy or anything..she's just found a good friend.

 

[wgjones3]

Why are you all assuming she's doing something negative..ie..wanting to leave her boyfriend, or using the current guy?

It's not about right or wrong. The question is, would she be there with the OP if her boyfriend was around? If not, then she's using him as a substitute. If so, then why is she still with the b/f? And if there's no chance of them being together, the OP doesn't need to be buddies with a girl he has feelings for because it's just going to end up causing him some major heartache and quite possible blind him to some very real romantic possibilities that he'd otherwise find.

 

[Singing Bush]

Why are you all assuming she's doing something negative..ie..wanting to leave her boyfriend, or using the current guy? Maybe she just likes him as a friend and enjoys hanging out with him.

I'm inclined to agree. While she may certainly be up to something nefarious, I don't think that is a set conclusion. You certainly can't be sure of that from the description he gave. My best friend in undergrad had a boyfriend who lived 3 or 4 hours away. We were friends for 4 years and though she was a little attracted to me and vice versa, nothing ever would have happened 'cause that's not how we looked at each other. Possibly she's a two timing wench. Possibly she's just a girl who develops friendships better w/ guys.