I'm Overwhelmed

[Morninglife]

I've been constanly and severely depressed for four years, and I can't stay in a place where I don't have a direct source of love. I mean like, I have no objective love on this earth. I know God loves me, but I need to hear an audible voice tell me i'm loved, and see their face and stuff.

I always have to deal with really upsetting thoughts that don't leave me alone. A few years ago, it was these three people that kept doing horrible things, and they were the opposite of everything i wanted to be on the inside, they were evil and they knew it. and they kept telling me I needed to do the things that they were doing. They weren't audible voices, but thoughts that kept repeating and wouldn't go away except on their own. I still get those thoughts sometimes with them, just not nearly as much as a few years ago...

After a while, it moved on to thoughts of them being tortured, and even though they were evil and kept trying to make me evil, I felt so sorry for them and wanted the torturing to stop, but the thoughts were vivid and again wouldn't go away until they did on their own..

And then it moved on to images of Jesus sucker punching me in the face. I thought Jesus hated me, and that was absolute torture to go through... That was started by something a few people said to me when I was here last year under a different name..

And now.. it's scenes of one of those three previously mentioned people (who is a child) being beaten to death in the middle of the night. He keeps saying the same thing and it's terrifying....

If i try to distract myself with a song, The song becomes a trigger for the specific thought I was trying to block out.. If I try to pray it doesn't work because I can't concentrate with children being beaten to death going in my mind or them doing blasphemous things and telling me I need to be like them.

Sometimes even a certain shade of a colour or certain colour combinations are triggers, and make me afraid of them.

at the moment I don't have a steady source of income, and I'm terrified of driving (not to mention very bad at it) so I can't do therapy. I worked up the guts to explain this to my mum last year and she kind of shrugged it off and made it indirectly obvious (sorry if that's just an oxymoron and didn't make any sense) that she didn't think I was serious. She's probably afraid it would make her look like a bad parent.

And now to go ahead and just gild the lily, I ruined what was left of my life by obeying my parents and making a choice I thought God would have wanted me to make. Why am I being punished for obeying God?

And I'm the absolute worst at relationships of any kind. My entire life, even back to preschool, I've only really had one friend at a time and even then I've always valued them notably more than they valued me... I've never ever been the best friend of any of my best freinds. Nobody of the earth truly loves me.

I'm not really expecting anyone to read this whole thing, so don't worry about it if you just skimmed to the bottom.. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed this many characters in one post...

Oh and I'm not expecting a miracle answer because I know there isn't one.. I don't even really know why I'm posting all of this...

 

[pockleberry]

I read your post all the way through cause I thought it was important. I know sort of how you feel I've been depressed for four years as well. I know I am younger than you but I hope that you will read what I write anyway...

I would seriously recomend that you get some prayer because all the thoughts you describe sound very scary and not of God. It sounds like you would really benifit from medication and therepy but if you can't get yourself to get help then there are some things you can do to help yourself. Find someone to talk to even if it is just by email or pm's on here. I know that I can't see you face to face but I do care about you and I don't want you to die, if I can help in anyway I would be more than happy to talk to you, I might understand more than you would expect cause alot of what you have said is similar to my experience...There are people that love you no matter what you feel and I hope that you are able to believe that...

 

[borderliner]

I read the entire post. I know exactly how you are feeling, everything I have gone through is very similar to your post. But you know what? I'm still here. I have had depression since I was about 8. I am now 22. With the right help, it gets better. I promise you that. My best adivce it to tell the world to go star star star itself, and show them you belong here just as much as they do. There are people out there that care, and will give you that love and support, and be there for you, and will call you THEIR best friend. Yeah, you'll get that in heaven, but why not experiance it here on earth too. It is possible, and if you stay alive, you WILL experiance it. Join clubs you enjoy doing. If you love acting, try Drama troupes. If you like biking, set up a group of bikers to go with you. Find something you love to do, your passion, something that makes you glow, and do it with a team, or group of people. You deserve it. You can e-mail me, or PM me anytime. I will be a listening ear if you need it. I give you my word, I will be here for you, but you need to ask. Good luck.

 

[burn97]

Morninglife
I believe strongly in demon/devil oppression. ( mind you i'm not saying possession) Our minds are battlefields, when the devil bombards it with cleverly devised paterns of little nagging thoughts, suspicions, doubts, fears, wonderings, reasonings, and theories. He moves slowly and cautiously, he tells you things about yourself, about other people, about circumstances. Why slowly and cautiously? So that we may become decieved. Remember how he decieved Eve? It wasn't with an outright lie, but by tweeking the truth just enough that she couldn't see what he was doing. It's the same with us. An outright lie could be seen, shown for what it is, but a small one her, a little one there, ect, you see what I'm saying.
Morninglife, you are the son of the King. You're not some nobody. Sucicide is NOT the answer. This life, though it is hard, though it is trying, though it downright sucks sometimes, is a gift from God.
" Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will recieve the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him." James 1:12
Rightnow you are being ' tempted' to end your life Morninglife.
Now, is God, the one that you want so desprately to be with tempting you to do this.
NO! " Let no man say when he is tempted, 'I am tempted by God'; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed." James 1:13-14
Evil, that is what is tempting you. What is evil, or who is evil??? Satan. It is not God's desire for you to die. It is not God who is enticing you to sucide. Why???
" When desire has concieved, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death." James 1:15
God does not bring death Morninglife, he brings life. Sin, evil, the devil, they bring death.

Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall TROUBLE or HARDSHIP or PERSECUTION or FAMINE or NAKEDNESS or DANGER or SWORD? As it is written:
" For Your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."
NO, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us. For I am convinced that neither DEATH nor LIFE, neither ANGELS nor DEMONS, neither the PRESENT nor THE FUTURE, nor any POWERS, neither HEIGHT nor DEPTH, nor ANYTHING else in ALL CREATION, will be able to separate us from the LOVE of GOD that is in Christ JESUS our LORD." Romans 8:35-39
His love for You Morninglife, is neverending.
You think that you're alone?? You have millions of brothers and sisters through Christ. We are ONE family.
God has a purpose for you, and He has a plan for your life. You have to trust that He will guide you into that plan.
Don't do anything that will seperate you from the Lord.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

It sounds like you may have OCD. I can't say that for sure because I am not a doctor, but I'd be willing to bet that OCD is what you have. If I were you, I would try talking to your parents again. The fact that you pretty much have a plan of how you would end your life means this is pretty serious. Maybe write your parents a letter if talking isn't getting the point across. Tell them that you are so troubled by these thoughts that you are having suicidal ideations. Now saying something like that might cause you to end up in the hospital, but that's where help is, so that isn't necessarily a bad thing, right?

Here are some good links for a starting point on reading up on OCD:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/OCD

http://www.psychguides.com/oche.php

http://www.ocfoundation.org/what-is-ocd.html

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/HealthInformation/ocdmenu.cfm

Also, I have anxiety about driving, too. I stopped driving for over a year after having a bad wreck. I have been going to therapy since March of last year (someone else drives me there) and that has helped to gradually get me back into driving. Right now, I don't drive far at all, so I still do not have a job and I still have to mainly depend on other people to get me places. I know of other people who aren't able to drive due to anxiety, so trust me, you aren't alone.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Also, if your parents still do not take you seriously, here are some resources for people you can call about the suicidal feelings:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide#External_links

 

[Morninglife]

^ I forgot to mention though that my parents also can't really afford medication for me. If I ended up in the hospital, I would only make us go bankrupt. Do you think it would be a waste of time to only look into therapy or whatever?

 

[Dungbeetle]

^ I forgot to mention though that my parents also can't really afford medication for me. If I ended up in the hospital, I would only make us go bankrupt. Do you think it would be a waste of time to only look into therapy or whatever?

If you are posting from Britain, therapy and medication are free on the NHS. Please try to get some help. You are very young. Your life will improve. Give yourself a chance, please. Young people often have mental health problems between the ages of 16 and 24 but things improve after that. I know from experience. Your life will improve as you get older.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

Morninglife, I just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. I really believe you should see a doctor about these triggers too - they'll be able to help.

 

[oat02351]

I've been constanly and severely depressed for four years, and I can't stay in a place where I don't have a direct source of love. I mean like, I have no objective love on this earth. I know God loves me, but I need to hear an audible voice tell me i'm loved, and see their face and stuff.

I always have to deal with really upsetting thoughts that don't leave me alone. A few years ago, it was these three people that kept doing horrible things, and they were the opposite of everything i wanted to be on the inside, they were evil and they knew it. and they kept telling me I needed to do the things that they were doing. They weren't audible voices, but thoughts that kept repeating and wouldn't go away except on their own. I still get those thoughts sometimes with them, just not nearly as much as a few years ago...

After a while, it moved on to thoughts of them being tortured, and even though they were evil and kept trying to make me evil, I felt so sorry for them and wanted the torturing to stop, but the thoughts were vivid and again wouldn't go away until they did on their own..

And then it moved on to images of Jesus sucker punching me in the face. I thought Jesus hated me, and that was absolute torture to go through... That was started by something a few people said to me when I was here last year under a different name..

And now.. it's scenes of one of those three previously mentioned people (who is a child) being beaten to death in the middle of the night. He keeps saying the same thing and it's terrifying....

If i try to distract myself with a song, The song becomes a trigger for the specific thought I was trying to block out.. If I try to pray it doesn't work because I can't concentrate with children being beaten to death going in my mind or them doing blasphemous things and telling me I need to be like them.

Sometimes even a certain shade of a colour or certain colour combinations are triggers, and make me afraid of them.

at the moment I don't have a steady source of income, and I'm terrified of driving (not to mention very bad at it) so I can't do therapy. I worked up the guts to explain this to my mum last year and she kind of shrugged it off and made it indirectly obvious (sorry if that's just an oxymoron and didn't make any sense) that she didn't think I was serious. She's probably afraid it would make her look like a bad parent.

And now to go ahead and just gild the lily, I ruined what was left of my life by obeying my parents and making a choice I thought God would have wanted me to make. Why am I being punished for obeying God?

And I'm the absolute worst at relationships of any kind. My entire life, even back to preschool, I've only really had one friend at a time and even then I've always valued them notably more than they valued me... I've never ever been the best friend of any of my best freinds. Nobody of the earth truly loves me.

I'm not really expecting anyone to read this whole thing, so don't worry about it if you just skimmed to the bottom.. I'm not even sure if I'm allowed this many characters in one post...

Oh and I'm not expecting a miracle answer because I know there isn't one.. I don't even really know why I'm posting all of this...

You have a freind ....now, ........me. Any time you would like to chat if you're feeling down or just want to chat.. oh uh also no matter how you go about it, you have to find a way to see a doctor and let them know. Letting my doctor know was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I know it feels like noone loves you but, that is your depression speaking. It took me a long time to realize it but, it's true. As for your Mom turning a blind eye, I really think you need to sit down and talk to her. yup, I read it all

 

[Morninglife]

Thanks pockleberry, borderliner, burn97, maycontainnuts, dungbeetle, steffi, and oat02351.

Sorry for the long and dramatic post. I guess I kind of poured it all out in one shot there...

I haven't forgotten about you guys and I really appreciate your support and stuff. Thanks so much everyone...

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

We're here any time you'd like to pour it all our Morninglife . How are things going?