i wish

[Doctor Strangelove]

God and everything. i still pray and want to believe but deep down i don't really believe

It's okay to have doubts. I know we have a Christian myth where everyone is supposed to be perfect and have perfect faith and happily go on from one victory to the next. You know life is not like that and we are not like that. So, if real life is so messed-up, then what is the point?

Let me know what you think of this:
http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/my-favorite-post-from-michael-spencer

 

[chairforcetsgt]

It's okay to have doubts. I know we have a Christian myth where everyone is supposed to be perfect and have perfect faith and happily go on from one victory to the next. You know life is not like that and we are not like that. So, if real life is so messed-up, then what is the point?

Let me know what you think of this:
http://www.internetmonk.com/archive/my-favorite-post-from-michael-spencer

Amen.

Sorry for all you are going through, Dan. I know you have been a blessing to many, including myself, on the men's forum and I will always consider you a great friend. I'd like to echo everything that has been said here and add that my thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you. You are not a horrible person by any means, even though I realize the kind of things you are going through can definitely warp the mind into thinking you are. You are not alone though, brother. It is obvious there are many people here who are standing by you and praying that you feel better really soon. Please hang in there man. God allowed you to live for a reason, even though you can't see that yet. Praying always.


P.S. I hope you don't mind but I wanted to share this photo you shared with me a few years back. That doesn't look like a terrible man, does it? Your heart was in the right place, Dan.

 

[blackribbon]

so you are going to school to be a nurse? how much school do you have left?

I finish in April...assuming I survive this rotation...I know the information but can't seem to be able to do well on this particular instructor's exams. Very humbling because I have only gotten A's up to this point and I know the material very well. If I don't survive this rotation, I will repeat this class in the fall with a different instructor (get my A) and finish in December. Even if you don't know what you believe, if you could pray for me and my next test (next Friday), I'd appreciate it. For some reason, I think your prayer might make a difference. We are all weak and need people to lean on at times. I am feeling pretty weak and powerless right now.

On your list of meds...the last two meds are to help with pain and muscle spasms...and are very strong pain meds...carisoprodol is a muscle relaxant and fentanyl is an opioid. It is not weak of you to address the pain issues. As nurses we consider pain to be a "vital sign" now and something very important to control and address. However, they do have dependency potential if you take them regularly and can make you drowsy...so use with care.

The second one is sertraline or "Zoloft" and is an good antidepressent and also treats PTSD (which you do have). Consider giving this one a try...it will take 2-3 weeks to get to a level where you will start to feel better but it is the same class as the one I took (SSRI). It can have some side effects like stomach/digestion issues.

The first one (Haldol) is a commonly used drug but let me look up a little more on it. It is a bit messier of a med...and if you tried these meds before, this is the one that probably made you feel the worst and messed with your thinking. If you have made it this far without using this one, then leave that one alone for now.

If you have a doctor, make sure that he knows you are starting the antidepressant at least about 2 weeks into it so that you don't run out without refills available because you need to continue in order to get the best benefits.

The beauty of this is that you are a grownup and can quit the meds if you want to even if you give them a try. If you do try the sertraline, give it enough days to start working unless you have bad side effects (the side effects should calm down also). If you do start and have side effects, ask me and I will let you know if they are ones to be concerned about.

If you are not ready to try the meds, consider getting the herb St John's Wort and taking it 3 times a day. It isn't as strong but will give you a slight idea of what the sertraline could do on a very low level. It doesn't take as long to build up and it doesn't last in the body as long, if you don't like it. Just don't take it when you are taking other medications without checking to make sure it won't interact with them. Do NOT take St Johns with the sertraline...and it will make the fentanyl and carsiprodol not work as well but can be used together. I wouldn't take it with the Haldol either.

I take St John's Wort daily when I am highly stressed out at school (like now)...it doesn't mess with the mind but can take the edge off of the anxiety issues. I have watched it help several other nursing students. The herb is cheap (can be bought at some dollar stores or around $5.00 for a larger bottle at a Walmart) and it doesn't require a prescription. It also has been shown in research to work and be safe (as long as you don't mix it with other medications).

 

[blackribbon]

If you are stuck inside...you might also want to take a Vitamin D supplement. I moved from Texas to a northern state and am very Vitamin D deprived in the winter. I take 2400 mg a day of that. ( I also take hawthorne because I am having a slight high blood pressure issues but I believe they are anxiety related and don't want to get treated until I graduated....I just had to do a paper on this herb and it actually has a lot of scientific evidence to back its value unlike a mess of other herbs. St Johns is another one with evidence to back its claims). I personally hate drugs...but now I take the ones listed to survive.

 

[Dan the Man]

I killed kids just like those ones. that is something you can never be forgiven for.

 

[Dan the Man]

I finish in April...assuming I survive this rotation...I know the information but can't seem to be able to do well on this particular instructor's exams. Very humbling because I have only gotten A's up to this point and I know the material very well. If I don't survive this rotation, I will repeat this class in the fall with a different instructor (get my A) and finish in December. Even if you don't know what you believe, if you could pray for me and my next test (next Friday), I'd appreciate it. For some reason, I think your prayer might make a difference. We are all weak and need people to lean on at times. I am feeling pretty weak and powerless right now.

On your list of meds...the last two meds are to help with pain and muscle spasms...and are very strong pain meds...carisoprodol is a muscle relaxant and fentanyl is an opioid. It is not weak of you to address the pain issues. As nurses we consider pain to be a "vital sign" now and something very important to control and address. However, they do have dependency potential if you take them regularly and can make you drowsy...so use with care.

The second one is sertraline or "Zoloft" and is an good antidepressent and also treats PTSD (which you do have). Consider giving this one a try...it will take 2-3 weeks to get to a level where you will start to feel better but it is the same class as the one I took (SSRI). It can have some side effects like stomach/digestion issues.

The first one (Haldol) is a commonly used drug but let me look up a little more on it. It is a bit messier of a med...and if you tried these meds before, this is the one that probably made you feel the worst and messed with your thinking. If you have made it this far without using this one, then leave that one alone for now.

If you have a doctor, make sure that he knows you are starting the antidepressant at least about 2 weeks into it so that you don't run out without refills available because you need to continue in order to get the best benefits.

The beauty of this is that you are a grownup and can quit the meds if you want to even if you give them a try. If you do try the sertraline, give it enough days to start working unless you have bad side effects (the side effects should calm down also). If you do start and have side effects, ask me and I will let you know if they are ones to be concerned about.

If you are not ready to try the meds, consider getting the herb St John's Wort and taking it 3 times a day. It isn't as strong but will give you a slight idea of what the sertraline could do on a very low level. It doesn't take as long to build up and it doesn't last in the body as long, if you don't like it. Just don't take it when you are taking other medications without checking to make sure it won't interact with them. Do NOT take St Johns with the sertraline...and it will make the fentanyl and carsiprodol not work as well but can be used together. I wouldn't take it with the Haldol either.

I take St John's Wort daily when I am highly stressed out at school (like now)...it doesn't mess with the mind but can take the edge off of the anxiety issues. I have watched it help several other nursing students. The herb is cheap (can be bought at some dollar stores or around $5.00 for a larger bottle at a Walmart) and it doesn't require a prescription. It also has been shown in research to work and be safe (as long as you don't mix it with other medications).

I will pray for your test on Friday. im sure you will do fine.
thanks for the information on the meds. I don't want to take them. I think at least one of them they put else in to mess with your head. maybe I will take the stjohns wort if my aunt can get it from the store where I know it is sealed and not coming from the doctor. and maybe it wont make me feel sick like you said the sertaline can.
i'm embarrassed for acting like a little girl...but I guess I have no dignity left anyway so it doenst make a difference.
thank you for the help.

 

[blackribbon]

There is nothing "little girl" about how you are acting or what you have survived. You didn't "murder" children...you did your job and unfortunately children die in war situations. The Bible is full of war situations where women and children were killed in acts of war. It isn't the same. However, it doesn't make it easier. I am sorry that you have the images in your head that do exist but they are not about you being evil. This world isn't fair.

The fruit cocktail of drugs probably did mess with your head...I mean that is why people do opioids illegally just to alter their conscious. And like I said, I think the Haldol is the one that messed with you the worst. I am not going to push but I do suggest you give the St Johns a chance. And do understand your mistrust of the military system. One day at a time.

And you do have dignity...if you didn't you wouldn't care as much as your really do deep inside. Yes, you live in a very altered world but there is still dignity to be had. That is probably why I am in nursing. I seek to re-establish dignity to every patient I have regardless of their health status. The body is NOT the person inside. I have met some of the most wonderful people in the hospital....and many were dependent on me for some basic needs but honestly, usually I am the one who gets the most out of my limited relationship with them and their families.

I hope you have a decent...or at least acceptable day today. How about a bit of exercise today? It may not be what you could do before but even a little bit on a very low level can move you one step ahead. No different that that spongy kid that shows up to bootcamp and dies after 10 pushups on the first day....he doesn't stay that way for long. Get an adrenaline high today.

 

[dayhiker]

Just got back on CF, got caught up reading about your struggle Dan. I wanted to let you know
I've been praying for you Dan.

I believe you will find a little strength each day and in a year you will know things have improved.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Hey Dan, you know what I wish for you? I wish (not really wish but pray) that you WILL find the strength to want to go on. That you WILL find purpose and meaning in your life and in your situation. That you WILL be reconciled to your family especially your kids. That you WILL come on here and let us help you with your struggles. That you WILL find joy instead of happiness because happiness is fleeting. That maybe someday you WILL inspire others that feel like you feel right now. That you can help others. Maybe that is your purpose?

BTW I loved the picture that your other friend posted of you. You were much happier then. War is hard, but God understands all of it. If you gave your life to Him, He will never leave you or forsake you Hebrews 13:5.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

This guy is inspiring.

- Yahoo Screen

 

[Dan the Man]

There is nothing "little girl" about how you are acting or what you have survived. You didn't "murder" children...you did your job and unfortunately children die in war situations. The Bible is full of war situations where women and children were killed in acts of war. It isn't the same. However, it doesn't make it easier. I am sorry that you have the images in your head that do exist but they are not about you being evil. This world isn't fair.

The fruit cocktail of drugs probably did mess with your head...I mean that is why people do opioids illegally just to alter their conscious. And like I said, I think the Haldol is the one that messed with you the worst. I am not going to push but I do suggest you give the St Johns a chance. And do understand your mistrust of the military system. One day at a time.

And you do have dignity...if you didn't you wouldn't care as much as your really do deep inside. Yes, you live in a very altered world but there is still dignity to be had. That is probably why I am in nursing. I seek to re-establish dignity to every patient I have regardless of their health status. The body is NOT the person inside. I have met some of the most wonderful people in the hospital....and many were dependent on me for some basic needs but honestly, usually I am the one who gets the most out of my limited relationship with them and their families.

I hope you have a decent...or at least acceptable day today. How about a bit of exercise today? It may not be what you could do before but even a little bit on a very low level can move you one step ahead. No different that that spongy kid that shows up to bootcamp and dies after 10 pushups on the first day....he doesn't stay that way for long. Get an adrenaline high today.

I bet nursing is a rewarding profession. I admire all of you who do it.
do I have to take st johsn with food? ive had a problem with getting sick if I do take anything because I cant keep enough food down to take the meds with. I don't ever feel like eating anymore.
I did a little bit of exercise yesterday but I am a weakling and couldn't do much. but I tried.

 

[Dan the Man]

Just got back on CF, got caught up reading about your struggle Dan. I wanted to let you know
I've been praying for you Dan.

I believe you will find a little strength each day and in a year you will know things have improved.

thank you for the prayers. please pray for my two boys to be doing ok. I miss them so much.

 

[Dan the Man]

Hey Dan, you know what I wish for you? I wish (not really wish but pray) that you WILL find the strength to want to go on. That you WILL find purpose and meaning in your life and in your situation. That you WILL be reconciled to your family especially your kids. That you WILL come on here and let us help you with your struggles. That you WILL find joy instead of happiness because happiness is fleeting. That maybe someday you WILL inspire others that feel like you feel right now. That you can help others. Maybe that is your purpose?

BTW I loved the picture that your other friend posted of you. You were much happier then. War is hard, but God understands all of it. If you gave your life to Him, He will never leave you or forsake you Hebrews 13:5.

thank you. I hope maybe I have a prupose because otherwise I don't know why I am still here. but I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. please pray that my sons are ok and that they know I love them even though I will probably never see them again.
yes, I was much happier then. I was always a happy person. I had a really good life and something to live for. even all the times I had to go over there I knew I had my family at home waiting for me and that made me happy. and even through all the bad we experienced in that horrible place I was still able to find some good in it. but now I feel like I am a different person. I don't even know who I am and I am not proud of who I am at all. I never thought id want to be dead but I cant stop thinking about how bad I want that now.

I see you live in Arizona. the last place I was stationed in the states was Yuma. we thought about staying in AZ when I got out...but then I went and screwed everything off and re-upped. anyway. I liked it down there. not so much Yuma but just the state of Arizona, especialy up by flagstaff.

 

[Dan the Man]

This guy is inspiring.

- Yahoo Screen

wow I am impressed. thanks for sharing

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

thank you. I hope maybe I have a prupose because otherwise I don't know why I am still here. but I really appreciate your thoughts and prayers. please pray that my sons are ok and that they know I love them even though I will probably never see them again.
yes, I was much happier then. I was always a happy person. I had a really good life and something to live for. even all the times I had to go over there I knew I had my family at home waiting for me and that made me happy. and even through all the bad we experienced in that horrible place I was still able to find some good in it. but now I feel like I am a different person. I don't even know who I am and I am not proud of who I am at all. I never thought id want to be dead but I cant stop thinking about how bad I want that now.

I see you live in Arizona. the last place I was stationed in the states was Yuma. we thought about staying in AZ when I got out...but then I went and screwed everything off and re-upped. anyway. I liked it down there. not so much Yuma but just the state of Arizona, especialy up by flagstaff.

Dan it makes me so sad to hear you say you want to die. I understand it, I get why you feel this way, but you ARE still here for a reason and we don't know what that reason is but maybe it's to reclaim yourself!

Some things in life, other people cannot do for you. You must choose them yourself. YOU are the only one in charge of you. You are the one that controls or doesn't control your emotions. You CAN choose to become the old, but better you now. You know that right?

The choice is only yours alone. Jesus did everything He could for you on the cross. He paid the debt for everything bad you have ever done, and ever will do. He says to cast your cares on Him because His burden is easy and His yoke is light. He does not want you to continue to wallow in guilt. satan may want that. But not Jesus. Not God.

If you can turn yourself around, think how much glory God would get from that? I'm sure some of your family think you will never change. Even your Aunt and Uncle might think this. But with God's help and maybe our help too with prayers and encouragement, you can get better and by better I mean emotionally better.

Some things are unchangeable. Like your physical condition. But you can be an overcomer if you choose it. We are here for you Dan. You can vent, cry, complain whatever. Get it out! Then start fresh. Moment by moment. Every time you can remember, when you have bad thoughts, say NO to those. When the devil reminds you of how many people lost their lives because of you, remind him that Jesus GAVE His life for you, because He did!

When the bad thoughts come, try to think of a good thought to counter it. Think of your sons. Would you want your sons to give up if they were in your place? Keep trying to write letters. Or just write your thoughts down even if its not a letter.

I have faith that you can do this IF you try. It might start out as a moment by moment process and then it might become less and less.

When they say Attitude is everything, it's kind of true because when you change the way you look at things, it changes how you think. Easier said than done for sure and it might take a long time, but you are worth it!

You may not think so, and I don't even know you IRL, but you are a child of God and He loves you, and because He loves you, so do I!

May the Holy Spirit reveal your worth to you. May He give you peace and understanding and wisdom. May Jesus wrap His loving arms around you and comfort you and help you heal. May He reveal your purpose and give you a passion and drive for life. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

 

[dayhiker]

Dan .. have you heard of Dave Reever?

He got shoot in Veitnam. Here is a youtube of him.

Dave Roever youtube - YouTube

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I remember him!

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

 

[blackribbon]

I bet nursing is a rewarding profession. I admire all of you who do it.
do I have to take st johsn with food? ive had a problem with getting sick if I do take anything because I cant keep enough food down to take the meds with. I don't ever feel like eating anymore.
I did a little bit of exercise yesterday but I am a weakling and couldn't do much. but I tried.

Rewarding and also heart breaking and sometimes just plain gross. But I like it so far.

Usually, the reason you take food with meds is to prevent stomach upset...so what they don't tell you is that a single saltine cracker or a cup of applesauce qualifies as "food" for most meds. Anyway, I don't think food is necessary. Just hydrate ... but that is for good health.

And GREAT!! on the little bit of exercise. It will take time to build your strength back so don't beat yourself up for not being where you were, but pat yourself on your back for stepping forward. ANYTHING that you do is GOOD...and as you know, if you continue, you will get stronger gradually. That's the only way anyone can do it.

Do mini crunches to start building up your core to help with the back pain...even if it is no more than tightening your stomach muscles with no body movement. Hold your head/chin toward your belly button, then turn it so you goal is tightening toward one leg...the same on the other side...(this works all of your stomach)....and as your core muscles get stronger, they will be able to support your spine better. You should feel this both on your stomach and maybe even down your back. It is good...movements don't have to be big to be significant. And continue whatever you started. If your muscles get sore, take a couple ibuprofen pills (Motrin) to help...they help with the pain and also reduce inflammation of sore muscles which allows your muscles to recover faster. And drink water....plenty of water.

Do you have all 4 limbs? Can you sit up unassisted?...and for how long? Did the doctor give you any limitations on movement? Do you have internal organ involvement that is still an issue? And is the cause of your headaches known?

Don't quit...this or anything else positive that you are doing. Your life is still worth living but you need to start taking better care of yourself if you are going to find what your new purpose is. I have seen so many positives in you ... I know you can do it. And if you have days that aren't so good, so what...you just brush those off and keep going forward.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Dan how old are your boys?