I wish I was never born...I know I should return to God but don't know how to

[Margaret1022]

Thanks for all the replies (there are soo many after I wake up so please excuse me for not replying to everyone) but I did read every single one of the replies and they were all extremely insightful and it was the first time in the past year that my heart became soft enough to start to acknowledge that God love me and make greater sense about my life...Can't stress how helpful this thread is to me and I'm really glad that I found this website/forum. Before I slept last night I'm starting to believe this is an answer from my prayer last week (where I prayed for a way or insight to return to God) because the thought of looking for a Christian forum just appeared out of nowhere yesterday and I never even know it existed until yesterday night.

Really thankful for all of your support and help and advice and God bless you all!

 

[coffee4u]

Thank you! I am currently seeing a counselor and you're right that I may be depressed.

Please go see a doctor- a GP and tell him or her. A counsellor is good but they can't diagnose a medical condition. My mother's decline was so gradual that my father never saw it until one day she would simply not move from the bathroom. She had to be hospitalized and undergo treatment.

 

[Chris35]

Your right, life is a gift, however the world is perishing and has been perishing for a long time. Its what your seeing everywhere and experiencing

Jesus says come to me and I will give you life.

Now it may seem like you want to die, i been there and thought i did to. I never really wanted to die but realized that i wanted life. Real life, where everyone walks in love. The life that only God can give.

The world doesnt have that, it is perishing. While you may think it is because of life that you want to die, it is the oppisite, it is because the world is wicked and dying, it is drowning in sin, and this is why you dont want to be here.


9And when the Lamb opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of those who had been slain for the word of God and for the testimony they had upheld. 10And they cried out in a loud voice, “How long, O Lord, holy and true, until You judge those who live on the earth and avenge our blood?”11Then each of them was given a white robe and told to rest a little while longer, until the full number of their fellow servants, their brothers, were killed, just as they had been killed.

While this verse has to do with the tribulation itself, i believe it is still very valid. God sees the wickedness, the acts of men, the perishing of the world. He sees his children suffering, those who want good oppressed, so why does a God, full of love bear these things.

It is because of his love that he endures, so that our brothers and sisters, who are yet to come, can come to him, just like we did. If he destroyed wickedness, we wouldnt be here today.

Dont be deceived though, there has been a time appointed for Gods wrath, and the destruction of wickedness on the earth. We must endure until that time, out of love for those yet to come.

 

[Qwertyui0p]

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

'In light of heaven, the worst suffering on earth, a life full of the most atrocious tortures on earth, will be seen to be no more serious than one night in an inconvenient hotel.' - Mother Teresa
'Suffering will come, trouble will come - that's part of life; a sign you are alive. If you have no suffering and no trouble, the Devil is taking it easy. You are in his hand' - also Mother Teresa
Remember it's not your fault if your parents don't change. It is ultimately their choice.

 

[GaveMeJoy]

Hello,
I am so sorry for your pain. I think it’s good to see a counselor. I definitely know what it’s like to feel hopeless and sad all the time. Two years ago my wife decided she didn’t want to be a Christian and she cheated on me and left me for another man; then divorced me and lied to take my kids.

I have been a “Christian” for 20 years but I never had joy. When the bad things happened, I couldn’t pray very well and just felt nothing at times like you say.

one night at 3AM I told God I was always sad. I told him I had no joy, and I couldn’t handle my life being taken away and my kids. I listened to a sermon about joy from Francis Chan.

I finally in my heart felt joy, even though all my life was in shambles. I didn’t believe it would last so I started praying and said God I need to feel this when I wake up, or it’s not real. When I woke up I felt it. So I listened to every single YouTube sermon on Joy, and I read all the scriptures on Joy in suffering daily and fed this and I’ve had it ever since. Now when I lose this joy, I just remember that I have to give it away, nothing and no one can take it!

Here are my verses I hope they are encouraging.
JOY verses


The holy grail of joy verses first!


Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:4-7


salm 90:14 New International Version (NIV)

14

Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,

that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.


Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18


20 However, do not rejoice that the spirits submit to you, but rejoice that your names are written in heaven.”

Luke 10:20


9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. 11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

John 15:9- 11


You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

Psalm 16:11


Psalm 94:19 "When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy."


May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Romans 15:13


I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

Philippians 1:23-26

(Paul says that continuing to inspire progress and joy in the church was one of the only reasons he was still even alive on earth.)


Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.

Habakkuk 3:17-18


And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more GLADLY about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:8-10


When the members of the Sanhedrin heard this, they were furious and gnashed their teeth at him. But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, looked up to heaven and saw the glory of God, and Jesus standing at the right hand of God. “Look,” he said, “I see heaven open and the Son of Man standing at the right hand of God.”

Acts 7:54-56


Then Nebuchadnezzar was furious with Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, and his attitude toward them changed. He ordered the furnace heated seven times hotter than usual So these men, wearing their robes, trousers, turbans and other clothes, were bound and thrown into the blazing furnace. Then King Nebuchadnezzar leaped to his feet in amazement and asked his advisers, “Weren’t there three men that we tied up and threw into the fire?” They replied, “Certainly, Your Majesty.” He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

Daniel 3:19,21,24-25


Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: “For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.” No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:35-39


John 16:20

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy.


So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

John 16:22


John 16:24

Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete.


33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33


1 Peter 5:10

After you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.

James 1:12


Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4


Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice inasmuch as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

-1 Peter 4:12-13

At this time, Emperor Nero was burning the bodies of Christians to light his gardens in the evenings


In fact, everyone who wants to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted,

2 Timothy 3:12



And now, brothers and sisters, we want you to know about the grace that God has given the Macedonian churches. In the midst of a very severe trial, their overflowing joy and their extreme poverty welled up in rich generosity.

2 Corinthians 8:1-2


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed.

Romans 8:18-19


“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.John 15:9-11


Romans 5:1-5 New International Version (NIV)

Peace and Hope

5 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 3 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.


But how is it to your credit if you receive a beating for doing wrong and endure it? But if you suffer for doing good and you endure it, this is commendable before God. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps.

1 Peter 2:20-21


Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.”

Neh 8:10


Psalm 51:12

Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.


Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1–2)


Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."



Psalm 5:11 "But let all those that put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee."

The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all.

Psalm 103:19


Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Romans 12:11-12

So then, those who suffer according to God’s will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.

1 Peter 4:19


Rejoice in the Lord and be glad, you righteous; sing, all you who are upright in heart!

Psalm 32:11


It gave me great joy when some believers came and testified about your faithfulness to the truth, telling how you continue to walk in it. I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

3 John 1:3-4


Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God. (Hebrews 12:1–2)

When your words came, I ate them; they were my joy and my heart’s delight, for I bear your name, Lord God Almighty.

Jeremiah 15:16

 

[InHisLovingArms]

I felt the same as you for a long time in my earlier years. I blamed God for everything, since it seemed that since He created everything that He was therefore responsible for it all. I think it's natural for a lot of young believers to do so. But eventually I grew to realize that it wasn't God who was doing me in at all, it was some of the mindless heartless people I had dealt with, trusted and listened to, as well as my own misunderstanding and lack of knowledge at the time. I still deal with that stuff at times, it's part of the regular ups and downs of life itself.
Ask Jesus for simple stuff, like knowledge and wisdom, understanding and faith. And leave it to Him to accomplish that in you. He won't forget.
Go your way and make the best of your day and know you're loved by God who inspired the words that nothing can separate us from His kind love. And apart from that, be careful to examine what you listen to and ignore the rest, the worldly chatter.
I had to realize that people are going to be mean and insensitive no matter what the subject, God or otherwise. So no matter what I clung to, I was going to be loved by some and hated by others no matter what my likes and dislikes were. So why not choose the best that I can for myself and let the chips fall where they may?
I hope that you find some happiness in your day and learn to laugh a bit. Oh yeah, and remember to give yourself a break, even when nobody else does. Also, sometimes we can be our own worst enemy, and don't have as much to worry about as we might have thought. Do you have enough to eat? A reasonable place to lie down and rest? Some kind of future to look forward to? Sometimes the simple things that we take for granted are enough for today.
And some things just have to run their course.
Guard your heart. And don't swallow anything someone tells you to before really examining it first, words or otherwise. Remember, we can choose the choices we make, but not the consequences. Seek the truth in all things for your own benefit. You do have that right.
May the hope of God in Christ encompass you and you discover an abundance you never thought possible. Amen!

 

[Oseas]

... I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

My dear Margareth

Human advice based only on the spirit of man, with soft words, even kind and loving words, do not replace the Word of God, moreover, compared to the Scriptures, the sweet words of people do not serve anything, they have no Power , they are mere words and do not help and do not point in a good and right direction to overcome the anguishes and torments.

Look, there are a multitude of advices in the Scriptures.

Here goes a good Word for your case specifically, but it is good also for all readers of this topic :

Psalm 77 King James Version (KJV)

1 I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and he gave ear unto me.

2 In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not: my soul refused to be comforted.

3 I remembered God, and was troubled: I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed. Selah.

4 Thou holdest mine eyes waking: I am so troubled that I cannot speak.

5 I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times.

6 I call to remembrance my song in the night: I commune with mine own heart: and my spirit made diligent search.

7 Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more?

8 Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore?

9 Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah.

10 And I said, This is my infirmity: but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High.

11 I will remember the works of the Lord: surely I will remember thy wonders of old.

12 I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings.

13 Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary: who is so great a God as our God?

14 Thou art the God that doest wonders: thou hast declared thy strength among the people.

15 Thou hast with thine arm redeemed thy people, the sons of Jacob and Joseph. Selah.

16 The waters saw thee, O God, the waters saw thee; they were afraid: the depths also were troubled.

17 The clouds poured out water: the skies sent out a sound: thine arrows also went abroad.

18 The voice of thy thunder was in the heaven: the lightnings lightened the world: the earth trembled and shook.

19 Thy way is in the sea, and thy path in the great waters, and thy footsteps are not known.

20 Thou leddest thy people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron.

May our LORD God bless us, and keep us, and gives us His protection - until the day 1.335 - Daniel 12:v.12

 

[Oseas]

Matt.11:v.27-30

Oh 28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

27 All things are delivered unto me of my Father: and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal him.

 

[Steve97]

Thank you..and you are absolutely right. I've been seeing a counselor and she said I may be mild to moderately depressed though I'm not absolutely sure if I have done the tests correctly.

Take the tests again, if you have to. A mild anti-depressant for a set period of time with continued counseling. Continued prayers for you for wisdom and discretion.

 

[Mark Quayle]

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

For what it is worth, none of us Christians quite has it right. Logically none of us are capable of "sounding the depths" of who God is and what he has done. So count yourself in good company.

One the many sad things modern Christianity has done is to make faith, repentance, and wisdom the work of man, not of God. The Bible does not teach that. In fact, it teaches that while our wills are very much involved in all that, it is God in us that does these things --our feelings therefore are pretty much irrelevant as to the reality of them.

Talk to God about it, and don't expect to feel anything. I too have had dry times, and instead of death from them, I found life in simple facts, at once Biblical and logical, that show God to be my life. Among them, the life-renewing fact that we are made for him and not for ourselves. Likewise, there is the fact that he is doing what he did FOR HIS OWN SAKE, more than for ours, and we can certainly count on it that if he is God, he will accomplish whatever he has set out to do from the beginning.

 

[zoidar]

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

There is always hard to give good advice in such matter. I met a woman who lost her husband and all her children in a planecrash. Now she was looking for something, don't know what, peace, hope? Her gaze was blank. I was not a Christian at that time, but the only hope there is, is in our dear saviour, Jesus. I wish I had a chance to talk to her again. She was seeking in New Age for something ... not knowing Jesus was her hope.

 

[Esther2286]

Hi, Margaret, I can certainly relate to what you are feeling and going through. There were times in my life when I really struggled with my feelings and knowing what I believed in. I spent a year reading the Bible when I was confronted by people from another faith, my own faith was being challenged and I needed to know what I truly believed. It helped me to use an Open Bible or one that explains the scriptures more thoroughly. Having my faith challenged really helped me to search out the truth.

I came from a home where the Bible was not taught, my parents did not attend church, and our home was often a hostile environment, and certainly not a house of prayer. When I was young, I felt a pull toward Christ, and even though I made mistakes along the way I continued to seek after the Lord. The enemy of our soul would like for us to be discouraged, give up, and let go of God’s hand, but I know (and believe) that greater is He who is in me, than He who is in the world.

I once heard that God is not upset by our anger, He wants us to bring all those feelings to Him. It is through our confession to Him of these feelings that He can change us.

Have you thought about joining a Bible study, or a women’s group? It has really helped me to be involved with other Christian women who are there to pray with me and help me grow in Christ.

Lord, I pray that you will help Margaret to be encouraged to continue to seek after You. May she be prepared, strengthened, and equipped to not only defend her faith, but to grow in Spirit and in Truth; draw her deep is unto deep and let not her heart be discouraged, and may she be transformed by the renewing of her mind. In Jesus Name. Amen.

 

[dzheremi]

Lord have mercy. Here is a meditation on coming back to God by HH Pope Shenouda III, the recently-reposed Pope of the Coptic Orthodox Church of Egypt. It is in Arabic, but there are English subtitles. I hope meditating on it helps you in some way. May God comfort and strengthen you in your troubles.

 

[lsume]

Good quote from late CH Spurgeon:

“I hear another man cry, “Oh, sir my want of strength lies mainly in this, that I cannot repent sufficiently!” A curious idea men have of what repentance is! Many fancy that so many tears are to be shed, and so many groans are to be heaved, and so much despair is to be endured. Whence comes this unreasonable notion? Unbelief and despair are sins, and therefore I do not see how they can be constituent elements of acceptable repentance; yet there are many who regard them as necessary parts of true Christian experience. They are in great error.
Still, I know what they mean, for in the days of my darkness I used to feel in the same way. I desired to repent, but I thought that I could not do it, and yet all the while I was repenting. Odd as it may sound, I felt that I could not feel. I used to get into a corner and weep, because I could not weep; and I fell into bitter sorrow because I could not sorrow for sin. What a jumble it all is when in our unbelieving state we begin to judge our own condition! It is like a blind man looking at his own eyes. My heart was melted within me for fear, because I thought that my heart was as hard as an adamant stone. My heart was broken to think that it would not break. Now I can see that I was exhibiting the very thing which I thought I did not possess; but then I knew not where I was.
Remember that the man who truly repents is never satisfied with his own repentance. We can no more repent perfectly than we can live perfectly. However pure our tears, there will always be some dirt in them: there will be something to be repented of even in our best repentance. But listen! To repent is to change your mind about sin, and Christ, and all the great things of God. There is sorrow implied in this; but the main point is the turning of the heart from sin to Christ. If there be this turning, you have the essence of true repentance, even though no alarm and no despair should ever have cast their shadow upon your mind.”

There is a struggle and a trap where I often myself in: I start to look at myself, inward, to my emotions or feelings or circumstances and try to determine God's love for me through my own warped lens of experiental existence. My depression and anxiety have made sure that most of the time I simply cannot trust my feelings, as they are at war against me, and they are always fleeting. But I shouldn't look at myself, or my own ability (or inability). I find no answers there, just weakness, confusion, inability and failure. To some extent it can be good to know this, to know from experience how impossible and weak we can be, so that we can learn to simply trust Him, instead of trusting our own confused efforts to get to Him. I should look at Christ instead, how He is perfect for us already.

I shouldn't look at Him as if I had to struggle upwards, against all odds, to get to Him; instead I should look at Him as a savior who comes down to sinners, lowers Himself to our level and actively seeks our hearts. All things are perfected in and through Him. I just have to take it by faith, against every emotion and in the middle of all circumstances. If I'm weak, if I'm sick, or if I'm just a plain old sinner, I have hope through it all regardless if I FEEL hopeful or not. It's not about my ability to believe or act perfectly, it's about practicing faith that goes through all that crap, straight to the source, and grasps Christ. It's not the strength of my grasp, it's who I'm grasping. I know my grasp is weak, but He is not.

I read your opening and fortunately only God can say what is true repentance. The key point I’ve been greatly blessed to see is that if you don’t forgive, you are not going to get forgiven.

 

[Oseas]

Take the tests again, if you have to. A mild anti-depressant for a set period of time with continued counseling. Continued prayers for you for wisdom and discretion.

Nevertheless when the Son of man cometh, shall he find faith on the earth? Luke 18:v.8

 

[Oseas]

It is well with my soul

 

[Isaac Liu]

Although i am not experienced in this and am still struggling myself, try reading "Victory over the darkness" by Neil T. Anderson. It has a lot of realising your identity within Christ, and has helped quite a lot

 

[Bruce Leiter]

I know that God created me because He loves me. However, I can't help but grief about my own existence - I always wish I never existed, or that I died at a very young age, so that I never have to go through the sad things I've encountered in this life.

I see no hope in the world nor my future. I even think it is better to die young than live longer because look at the world today - the economy is bad, the political environment feels like WW3 is coming, the environment is getting worse, virus is spreading...My home country is getting increasingly hostile to Christianity and I'm seriously afraid. I really think it's better to die young so that I don't have to face the horrible future (I'm 22). My mom who introduced me to God and Jesus decided to believe in another god and started to give me crystals that "changes luck and brings fortune". My dad was a Christian when he was younger but in recent years he have became extremely hostile to Christians and after he learnt that I was baptized he always asks and talk about difficult Christian topics to challenge my faith and try to make me stop going to Church (he have read a lot of Christian books and philosophies so it was really difficult to convince him otherwise because he knows the Bible more than I do). It feels like it is impossible for my parents to return to God and it makes me guilty to want to give up.

I also struggles to be moved by sermons. Due to past and ongoing family issues, I learnt to mute my emotions so that I wouldn't be heartbroken. As a result I lost most of my ability to feel emotions. Most of the time I don't have any emotions at all. I analyze different situations and pretend that I'm happy/sad/empathetic because I know it is the appropriate emotion at that time, when I honestly feel nothing. This makes me question the point of going to Church and listening to sermon sometimes because they are like lectures to me and I just can't "connect" or feel repentance or faith like others do. Sometimes I doubt if I really do have faith because honestly all I feel in my heart are emptiness and void and I feel nothing when I repent.(I do sincerely acknowledge I have sinned but again I feel nothing when praying for forgiveness). This makes me worried that I'm just a pretend believer, that I'm not truely repenting, and therefore not forgiven. I have to admit a large part why I believe in God is because I don't want to go to hell, but I don't know how to change this mindset.

Surely God would have known all these pain I have to endure and surely He would know I wish I never existed - Why did He still create me? I may have already killed myself or decided not to care for my health anymore (so that I could die soon) years ago if I didn't believe that I would be sent straight to hell if I suicide. This also makes me feel sad and sometimes angry - Life is like a gift that I didn't want, yet I can't throw it away because it would be ungrateful and I would face horrible consequences. I know I can't do anything about it because I was already born, but I just can't stop being sad about the fact that I had to be born.

I don't know what to do - I strayed away from God early last year after some family crisis which broke me apart (This happened a year after I became a believer and started to grow spiritually). I became angry to God, went back to sinning and eventually went to the point where I was seriously considering suicide. Deep down I know I SHOULD go back to God but mentally I'm so exhausted and tired and is not at all motivated to even pray. What can I do? I did try to return to God several times (by praying or reading the Bible) but again the SEVERE feeling of exhaustion from within prevents me from getting close to God again. The thought of praying instantly makes me mentally exhausted. Aside from that I guess my anger towards God is also one of the factors pushing me away.

Any advice or insight is appreciated. I just can't see a way out myself. Not sure if this topic is too sensitive if so someone please guide me to the right forum to post? Or delete this post. Thank you!

I completely identify with your situation. I'm a retired pastor who spent the beginning of my ministry spiraling into a major depression that I see you are probably in. I was tired all the time, but there was nothing physically wrong with me, since I was in my '30s. Your "family issues" seem to be at the core of your depression, as mine were. I grew up in a very dysfinctional family, and our second son died from leukemia.

However, I buried all my anger about my family and Keith's death in my unconscious mind, because my mom taught me that "big boys don't cry." It seems to me that you need to break free of your parents' control or influence by finding a good Christian therapist who will understand your issues and help you face your anger at your parents and (perhaps) siblings.

I went to two different psychiatrists who meant well but didn't help me. Then, I became a patient at Pine Rest Christian Mental Health in Grand Rapids, Mich. It was there that God used those mental professionals to help me get in touch with the causes of my anger and anxiety.

On top of that, God used my reading of Job (notice Job 3 about your comments here) and the Psalms to teach me to lament, that is, to express my feelings openly and honestly to God in persistent prayers, during which he came close to me. It took 7 1/2 months of 3 or 4 laments a week until God took away my depression (for more than 3 decades now) and one more month before God's peace of Phil. 4:6,7 came (again, to last more than 30 years).

Depression has threatened to come back with that old tiredness a few times, but lamenting again took it away. You are on my prayer list to get to the bottom of your depression and find God's peace. I also suggest that you look for a different church where God's Word is preached and taught clearly with a focus on Jesus' victory for us.

 

[Rescued One]

Many lessons have been very difficult, but most of all they gave me a heart for others. God told me to encourage people who are struggling. He taught me compassion theough years of depression. Help the hopeless.

 

[Redbucket55]

Well the only way to God is through Jesus. I don't have much advice...all I can say is pray for the holy spirit and Jesus to come in your life and start from there....and use your own head ..follow your own heart..etc