I wish I didn't have to live

[nolongerithatlive]

There are only four reasons that I refuse to commit suicide.

1. I fear my punishment when I go before God for my judgment. I think of the parable of the servant who did not invest the talents his master had given him.

2. I value my body. I would miss being able to do the things I like, which are very few things, but still, I wouldn't be able to do them if I were dead.

3. I don't like pain. I couldnt bring myself to hurt myself intentionally.

4. My mother. She is often the only person who makes me want to keep going on. She can just smile at me and tell me she loves me, and she has no idea the effect it can have on me. I wouldn't want to make her sadder than she is.

I have no friends, no job, and I hate going to college. Every semester I drop one or two classes at least, and I don't tell my mother, who is paying for them. I am such a coward that I get nervous around anyone who is not my family, and to cover it up I try to act indifferent or cool and end up alienating most people. I don't trust people, and I don't allow myself to care for hardly anyone. I hardly ever pray to God anymore, and I don't know why. My moods usually shift between sadness and carelessness. Nothing really excites me, igniting a strong emotion in me in any direction. I'm almost always distracted in class, or when someone is talking to me, who isn't my relative. I find myself starting to not even be attracted to people of the opposite gender anymore. I feel so dead inside sometimes, and then I talk to my mom and she makes me feel wanted. I am so afraid of showing weakness to anyone, although I am willing to tell them what upsets me, just not that I am depressed. Often I can't even cry, even if I want to. I don't know what I want really, except that I want to be loved, and everyone I talk to tells me that I have to take the initiative if I want to make friends. But I'm sick of trying. I don't really have the strength in me anymore to do it (yeah, I know, let God be your strength and all that) and I find myself not knowing how to go about it anyway, since every time I've tried I've failed. I believe I know the answers: God loves me, God has a plan for me, God created me intentionally, I have a place in God's kingdom, etc. But like someone else said on this board, hearing all that doesn't really help if there's no one to hold you and comfort you and understand you and just be there for you.

 

[Bowser]

Hello fellow struggler,

Write down my email address and get in touch with me.

I have msn messenger, and you can email through my profile

 

[lostangel]

I'm sorry to hear that your struggling. I know it doesnt seem like it but if you pray, and read your bible it really helps everything out!

 

[Bowser]

I'm sorry to hear that your struggling. I know it doesnt seem like it but if you pray, and read your bible it really helps everything out!

Amen, sister.

It's absolutely amazing how the good book greatly helps us in our struggles.

 

[Deacon]

Also my door is open if you would like to talk. I am an ordained minister in my church, so I can be of any assisstance let me know.


God Bless

 

[Hopeful]

it takes one in the same situation to really understand...i understand

my advise and the only thing keeping me here is that Job in the bible faced worse, much worse and he came through, you will get through this in Jesus name, if that didnt help, how about this? really tight

 

[Mr.Cheese]

You mentioned your mom. Where's your dad?
What's your family situation like?

 

[nolongerithatlive]

My dad is married to a woman who won't allow him to see me without her permission, and then she has to be there when he does. If he stops by my house, he's not allowed to come inside because she might find out. I haven't talked to him in awhile because I am so sick of her, and no matter what I say to him, it changes nothing. When I used to visit them, he would call me beforehand and tell me how to act around her, like "Ask her how she's doing" (which I always did anyway, but apparently listening to her ramble for ten minutes about people she hates at work isn't long enough), or "Thank her again" for something that HE bought me, and he always added at the end, "Do it for me.". I had always been nice to her, and had even gone places with just her because my dad wanted me to, but every time after I left, she would give my dad hell for the way I had supposedly acted. I forgave her in my heart over and over, but things just kept getting worse and now I don't go over there anymore, because it hurts me when I do. God is my father now.

The worst part is that my dad has never wanted to be Christian because he's had so many bad experiences with them, and this woman who calls herself Christian is married to him now, being a daily example of "Christianity" to him.
After marrying him after TWO MONTHS of dating, she had him move into a much bigger house in a new neighborhood, and she sold her car (which was nice to begin with) and had him buy her a brand new one with all the amenities. She doesn't want my brother or I to have keys to the new house because she's afraid we'll steal something, but when she and my dad went on vacation we got keys to feed the cats and water the plants. My dad has been constantly saying that if "something" happens to him we should go into the house to get his stuff. Somehow, she found out about that and freaked out, demanding to get the keys back. My brother gave his, but I refuse. My dad was also always saying things to my brother and I when she wasn't around, and making us promise "not to tell her". Then somehow she'd find out, give him hell, and we were to blame. I am so sick of her. I used to want my dad back, but now I've consecrated him to the Lord.

My mom is single and I live with her. I can't pity my dad because he's digging his own grave.

 

[Iddie4him]

I would like for you to email me or pm me immediately, I have been thru this for years myself, PLEASE CONTACT ME.....

 

[Blindfaith]

I too am open for you to contact . I've been there and understand how you're feeling {{{{HUGS}}}}

The situation that you're in is really rough precious one - your stepmother reminds me of Cinderella's stepmother . Not only will I be praying for you dear heart, but for your dad as well & for his wife to have a change of heart.

Have you been to the Dr to discuss all of this? It sounds like you're going through a Depression, and it might be beneficial if you talk to the Doc.

Take care and God Bless you,
Blindfaith

 

[paul becke]

I can't advise you like these good people who have been through similar trials and outrages, but one thing I would presume to advise you, NolongerIthat live, is to try to separate all this stuff from your studies. And as soon as ever you can, begin trying to do whatever you have to do to in every situation of your daily life, to the very best of your ability. Even if it's just sweeping the floor.

That kind of thing is common-sense to most people, but it wasn't to me. Perhaps some things had come too easily to me, but when I was given that advice, it immediately turned my life around. With God's grace, you'll be doing it for the glory of God, as well your own spiritual and mental wellbeing.

Remotivated and sensing that you are winning the battle against plummeting morale, you will realise what a sad pair they are; and that it's more their problem than yours. What comes round, goes round. You have a life of your own to lead. Maybe your Dad, needs to know that you can lay down the law too, and won't tolerate his weakness any more than his new wife does in relation to what *she* perceives as his weakness, i.e. loving his children. It takes two to tango.

Why should that person be allowed to disrupt your studies and life prospects, not to speak of adding to your mother's trials?

 

[cyberwing]

Dear Precious Lamb,
I am sorry I cannot be there to comfort you in person but you will find friends here who do not ask anything in return. Unfortunately there are many frauds out there masquarading as Christians but living they way THEY want, using manipulation to make people do things THEIR way. IF you read The Word though, Jesus warns us about such as these. HE tells us to look at the fruit of those that claim to follow Him and THEN make up our minds who is a follower of Jesus.
As I have said over and over on this board, I can call myself a car and even go stand in the garage but that does NOT make me one!!! Neither does calling oneself a Christian make you one. It is a LIFESTYLE of Intimate relationship with JESUS that makes one a Christian. This intimate relationship is what truly changes the heart.
I am so dreadfully sorry this woman has manipulated your father into destroying his relationship with you and your brother. If you read the Word of God you will understand clearly that this 'manipulation of others' is witchcraft and is strictly forbidden. God gave man free choice and therefore we must also respect man's choices.
You have done the right thing in loving and honoring your father but your stepmother has no right to treat you the way she has. Pray for her and bless her in any way you can (you thereby heap hot coals upon her head if she doesn't repent of her ways!!!) You see she is not smart enough to realize she is being manipulated by our enemy, satan. We wrestle not with flesh and blood but with powers and principalities, it says in Ephesians. "Bless them that curse you and pray for them that despitefully use you!" Jesus told us, (this protects you from their wickedness!!!)
Now, as to your misery, dear precious lamb you are not alone! Read some of the older threads, we have at least seven or eight here on CF in your similar situation!!!
I grieve that you are in such a horrible situation. I wish I could be there give you this in person, {{{BIG HUG}}} Since I'm not I'll send it via The Holy Spirit! If you need someone to rant to about things, please feel free to PM anytime. This is a temporary situation dear one, it will not be forever. Things change. Right now the darkness is around you and you are having trouble seeing the Light but hang onto those who have struggled through the same darkness and have regained the Light (JESUS) for once this happens the dark is never quite so bad again, for you know HE is there with you, as He has always been.
Feel free to PM anytime. I would be glad to help and you have several others here that are anxious to help you too. I'd say you have found a few people who care about you, nolongerithatlive! You see we do really care because Jesus has taught us how precious EACH of His lambs is! Each has a vital purpose in His vast tapestry we call this life!
We are here for you. {{{hug, hug, hug}}}
~Cyberwing