There are only four reasons that I refuse to commit suicide.
1. I fear my punishment when I go before God for my judgment. I think of the parable of the servant who did not invest the talents his master had given him.
2. I value my body. I would miss being able to do the things I like, which are very few things, but still, I wouldn't be able to do them if I were dead.
3. I don't like pain. I couldnt bring myself to hurt myself intentionally.
4. My mother. She is often the only person who makes me want to keep going on. She can just smile at me and tell me she loves me, and she has no idea the effect it can have on me. I wouldn't want to make her sadder than she is.
I have no friends, no job, and I hate going to college. Every semester I drop one or two classes at least, and I don't tell my mother, who is paying for them. I am such a coward that I get nervous around anyone who is not my family, and to cover it up I try to act indifferent or cool and end up alienating most people. I don't trust people, and I don't allow myself to care for hardly anyone. I hardly ever pray to God anymore, and I don't know why. My moods usually shift between sadness and carelessness. Nothing really excites me, igniting a strong emotion in me in any direction. I'm almost always distracted in class, or when someone is talking to me, who isn't my relative. I find myself starting to not even be attracted to people of the opposite gender anymore. I feel so dead inside sometimes, and then I talk to my mom and she makes me feel wanted. I am so afraid of showing weakness to anyone, although I am willing to tell them what upsets me, just not that I am depressed. Often I can't even cry, even if I want to. I don't know what I want really, except that I want to be loved, and everyone I talk to tells me that I have to take the initiative if I want to make friends. But I'm sick of trying. I don't really have the strength in me anymore to do it (yeah, I know, let God be your strength and all that) and I find myself not knowing how to go about it anyway, since every time I've tried I've failed. I believe I know the answers: God loves me, God has a plan for me, God created me intentionally, I have a place in God's kingdom, etc. But like someone else said on this board, hearing all that doesn't really help if there's no one to hold you and comfort you and understand you and just be there for you.
1. I fear my punishment when I go before God for my judgment. I think of the parable of the servant who did not invest the talents his master had given him.
2. I value my body. I would miss being able to do the things I like, which are very few things, but still, I wouldn't be able to do them if I were dead.
3. I don't like pain. I couldnt bring myself to hurt myself intentionally.
4. My mother. She is often the only person who makes me want to keep going on. She can just smile at me and tell me she loves me, and she has no idea the effect it can have on me. I wouldn't want to make her sadder than she is.
I have no friends, no job, and I hate going to college. Every semester I drop one or two classes at least, and I don't tell my mother, who is paying for them. I am such a coward that I get nervous around anyone who is not my family, and to cover it up I try to act indifferent or cool and end up alienating most people. I don't trust people, and I don't allow myself to care for hardly anyone. I hardly ever pray to God anymore, and I don't know why. My moods usually shift between sadness and carelessness. Nothing really excites me, igniting a strong emotion in me in any direction. I'm almost always distracted in class, or when someone is talking to me, who isn't my relative. I find myself starting to not even be attracted to people of the opposite gender anymore. I feel so dead inside sometimes, and then I talk to my mom and she makes me feel wanted. I am so afraid of showing weakness to anyone, although I am willing to tell them what upsets me, just not that I am depressed. Often I can't even cry, even if I want to. I don't know what I want really, except that I want to be loved, and everyone I talk to tells me that I have to take the initiative if I want to make friends. But I'm sick of trying. I don't really have the strength in me anymore to do it (yeah, I know, let God be your strength and all that) and I find myself not knowing how to go about it anyway, since every time I've tried I've failed. I believe I know the answers: God loves me, God has a plan for me, God created me intentionally, I have a place in God's kingdom, etc. But like someone else said on this board, hearing all that doesn't really help if there's no one to hold you and comfort you and understand you and just be there for you.