I would rather talk to someone in person about this but I don't really have anyone I trust right now. My mother raised me Christian and I still call myself Christian but I haven't been to church in five years and I've never been to church in my area since I moved. My mom always told me that God is the only one that can and will protect me from demons and evil spirits. I never really believed in them when I was younger and closer to God. I never had them in my life then, but I think I have attracted some kind of evil spirit since my faith has lapsed.
I went through some really bad stuff in my twenties, they started off amazing when I got engaged to my high school sweet heart on my 21st birthday. I know it was wrong and against God's word but I had sex with him that night and it was both of our first times. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and we were already married in our hearts even though we weren't legally married yet. I had a weird lump on my private parts and went to the doctor. She ordered a biopsy and I found out I had cancer a week before Christmas that year.
My fiance was supportive initially, but when we found out how severe it was I told him I wanted to get married right away instead of waiting to plan my dream wedding. He said that he didn't wanna marry me in case I died and he wouldn't want to spend his life alone. Our relationship ended the moment he said in my heart. He was just a stranger after that, but we stayed together. I ended up having to get a complete hysterectomy, both my ovaries removed, a radical vaginectomy and a lot of my outer genitals removed including my [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Back to back surgeries taking more and more each time because it was already so severe when we caught it plus chemotherapy was almost more than I could take.
I was very depressed then and I started to lose my faith and become angry at God for letting this happen to me. I was angry at my fiance for not supporting me. The final straw was when I had my vaginectomy. He said I wasn't a woman anymore and I could never give him kids and he deserves better from his wife. I went to the hospital for chemo and when I got home he had packed all his stuff and left. I tried to salvage the relationship but I haven't seen him in person since I left that morning. That was 6 years ago.
I haven't dated since, no man would want me when I can't have kids or have sex with him like a normal woman. My doctors offered me reconstructive surgery but the risks were so high, the results won't be perfect or even passable in most cases, I'll have to go through more pain of highly invasive surgery and it won't even feel the same. There's no benefit for me in it. I just don't want to suffer anymore.
This gets to the part where I think I attracted an evil spirit. I was walking my dog a week ago in the park and I came across a young teenage couple... Having relations. I stared at them longer than I should have and all I could think about was that I wanted to be able to do that again more than anything. That night I had the weirdest dream, it almost felt like I was awake but someone was touching me. Not sexual at first. Just hands touching me all over, more than just two hands and I couldn't move. Many hands just laying on me not moving. The next night I felt like I was being groped and kissed. The third night it got really explicit.
I looked online and all sources said it was sleep paralysis and just a hallucination and it's normal, but last night I KNOW I WAS AWAKE. I know it was real! I woke up to my dog barking and I put him outside to pee and went back to bed. I was on my phone for a bit and laid back down to go back to sleep. I felt someone touching me. I see the blankets move and my night shirt move too like a weight is on it, but there's nothing there. I kissing me and putting their hands on me, it felt like my finance touching me even though there's nothing down there to touch anymore. I wanted to fight back but I can't.
I'm scared to go to sleep tonight. I got my Bible out and was reading verses out loud but I still feel this presence in my house. I know it's going to happen again tonight and I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I told my friend that something paranormal is happening and I needed to stay over her place until I know what to do but she's an atheist and said for me to just suck it up and deal with it because it's not real. I know this is my fault for being angry at God and not wanting his protection and I brought it on myself but I don't want this.
I went through some really bad stuff in my twenties, they started off amazing when I got engaged to my high school sweet heart on my 21st birthday. I know it was wrong and against God's word but I had sex with him that night and it was both of our first times. I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and we were already married in our hearts even though we weren't legally married yet. I had a weird lump on my private parts and went to the doctor. She ordered a biopsy and I found out I had cancer a week before Christmas that year.
My fiance was supportive initially, but when we found out how severe it was I told him I wanted to get married right away instead of waiting to plan my dream wedding. He said that he didn't wanna marry me in case I died and he wouldn't want to spend his life alone. Our relationship ended the moment he said in my heart. He was just a stranger after that, but we stayed together. I ended up having to get a complete hysterectomy, both my ovaries removed, a radical vaginectomy and a lot of my outer genitals removed including my [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Back to back surgeries taking more and more each time because it was already so severe when we caught it plus chemotherapy was almost more than I could take.
I was very depressed then and I started to lose my faith and become angry at God for letting this happen to me. I was angry at my fiance for not supporting me. The final straw was when I had my vaginectomy. He said I wasn't a woman anymore and I could never give him kids and he deserves better from his wife. I went to the hospital for chemo and when I got home he had packed all his stuff and left. I tried to salvage the relationship but I haven't seen him in person since I left that morning. That was 6 years ago.
I haven't dated since, no man would want me when I can't have kids or have sex with him like a normal woman. My doctors offered me reconstructive surgery but the risks were so high, the results won't be perfect or even passable in most cases, I'll have to go through more pain of highly invasive surgery and it won't even feel the same. There's no benefit for me in it. I just don't want to suffer anymore.
This gets to the part where I think I attracted an evil spirit. I was walking my dog a week ago in the park and I came across a young teenage couple... Having relations. I stared at them longer than I should have and all I could think about was that I wanted to be able to do that again more than anything. That night I had the weirdest dream, it almost felt like I was awake but someone was touching me. Not sexual at first. Just hands touching me all over, more than just two hands and I couldn't move. Many hands just laying on me not moving. The next night I felt like I was being groped and kissed. The third night it got really explicit.
I looked online and all sources said it was sleep paralysis and just a hallucination and it's normal, but last night I KNOW I WAS AWAKE. I know it was real! I woke up to my dog barking and I put him outside to pee and went back to bed. I was on my phone for a bit and laid back down to go back to sleep. I felt someone touching me. I see the blankets move and my night shirt move too like a weight is on it, but there's nothing there. I kissing me and putting their hands on me, it felt like my finance touching me even though there's nothing down there to touch anymore. I wanted to fight back but I can't.
I'm scared to go to sleep tonight. I got my Bible out and was reading verses out loud but I still feel this presence in my house. I know it's going to happen again tonight and I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I told my friend that something paranormal is happening and I needed to stay over her place until I know what to do but she's an atheist and said for me to just suck it up and deal with it because it's not real. I know this is my fault for being angry at God and not wanting his protection and I brought it on myself but I don't want this.