I need help..

[RaymondG]

Yes, this is great methodology.

For the purpose of my posts, I didn't touch the inappropriate content issue because it's an entirely different segment (issue) at the moment. The affair is the house burning down and the inappropriate content is the patio furniture. It is conflated a bit in the OP's mind but the inappropriate content and her self image is the least of her worries at this moment. Her self image is contributing to a building overall instinct, but it is smoke and not the fire.




This is where the rubber meets the road. Conflating everything into a giant hazy smoke ball instead of segmenting them out confuses a person into not facing towards the actual fire ==> which is that certain behaviors, segmented out, are completely unacceptable (the fire).

In a sense, conflating things is putting the blinders on. Segmenting them provides a clearer view.

And, encouraging a person to wait until the smoke clears to see what's left ("wait and pray") disempowers them from taking productive action to identify or segment those certain behaviors that are unacceptable - and then to get out the hoses to put the fire out.

In your case, that resulted in a justifiable divorce, a divorce that Scripture gave you every right to proceed with. In fact, if you hadn't, you'd probably be reliving the same quagmire day to day, and have experienced many more discovery days. Sometimes a divorce is the definition of success.

At certain moments, waiting and praying is a good thing - such as after chemo has been applied and you are prayerfully waiting to see if it eradicated the cancer. However, waiting and praying without taking chemo is likely the certain death of the patient.

You seem to be mixing mans wisdom with God's, and they dont mix well. The woman with the issue of blood didnt mix. She let the Dr do all that they could do and spent all her money first.....and then she tried God. It sounds like you would have told her to go to Jesus while continuing to spend money and go to the Dr.

I suspect that the reason you are successful at times is because you can convince people of wrong doing. And what a man thinks in his heart, so is he. When you convince someone to believe in something....it will eventually happen.....they can even be totally convinced (it becomes true to them) even when it is physically false.

I see nothing wrong with this. But this is a christian site....so you have to expect to see some spiritual answers......which arent just a cloak from man's wisdom to follow.

All who ask receives, says the bible......If you have not, it is because you Asked not........even if you thought you did ask.... Asking the Father in Heaven, is different from asking an earthly father. And the "wait and pray," you mention, is the type that you interpreted in your mind....and therefore fails.. But it could not have been the truth of the Bible....cause Jesus never fails.

Again, trust in the Dr...if it fails or you get worse.....Try Jesus.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

I came to acknowledge the wisdom gleaned by Dr. Harley's research the hard way, after fighting against it for almost 2 years... TL;DR

Since it sounds like you feel there is no space in these discussions for any others besides you and Dr. H and you’re unapologetic for it or your behavior, these forums may not be a great fit for you. We are a collaborative community of diverse people with wide-reaching experiences who seek out dialogue. This is not a singular stage for Dr. H and his disciples to preach his word and free advertising.

Frankly, considering the degree you preach if him, your false claims at his 100% effectiveness, your confrontational attitude to anybody who challenges you or him, and the degree to which you link to him and his site and the decidedly alarming content that is found there, it’s more than bordering on cultish at this point.

 

[DZoolander]

In your case, that resulted in a justifiable divorce, a divorce that Scripture gave you every right to proceed with. In fact, if you hadn't, you'd probably be reliving the same quagmire day to day, and have experienced many more discovery days. Sometimes a divorce is the definition of success.

Definitely is long process - with other things to be considered even further down the road. Like, what to do then?

For example - after I divorced - I waited about 2 years before even starting to date again...then another couple before even starting to take anything seriously. Was about 6 years until I met my wife.

How long did it take you to move on, get remarried, etc?

 

[mkgal1]

The affair is the house burning down

.....except we don't know if there even IS an affair in this case.

 

[RaymondG]

.....except we don't know if there even IS an affair in this case.

If she is successful in convincing the OPer that there is one....there will be one. Whether it only exist strongly in her head, or if the snooping and accusations she is encouraging finally pushes the guy to another woman. And she is good at convincing.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

The fact that OP is at a point where his behavior could indicate there is one and her trust is being damaged is enough of a sign that it’s time to get help and deal with the issue. Once she starts down the road to investigating, nothing good will come of it regardless of he’s cheating or not.

 

[mkgal1]

Right. I just think the whole issue needs to be framed as a trust issue. That's what's broken.

 

[Endeavourer]

Definitely is long process - with other things to be considered even further down the road. Like, what to do then?

For example - after I divorced - I waited about 2 years before even starting to date again...then another couple before even starting to take anything seriously. Was about 6 years until I met my wife.

How long did it take you to move on, get remarried, etc?

My long process had taken place already from within the marriage. Having the police show up at my door looking for my xH due to actions with a minor gave the process quite a shove off. This was 15 years before the divorce. I'd say my process lasted 15 years. The main reason I didn't end the marriage with this event was because I didn't want my children to be scarred with the stigma since kids can be very cruel. Another family that I know had a similar situation except the dad went to jail and all of their children today are troubled adults. My kids witnessed them being taunted about their dad and it was so sad.

In retrospect, I should have divorced the xH then without exposing that the actions were with a minor. The marriage was already a shambles by then because he would outburst ferociously at least once a week. I was so panicked about the story getting out that it didn't occur tome that I could just tell the relevant part leaving out detailed information about who with. To me the two were conflated, and in that crisis, I didn't think to segment them out.

So, you didn't have this looooong, slooow motion wreck within your marriage. But that's probably why when my divorce happened I was so done - and my health was taking a hit from the stress - so I had no choice but to force him to either stop his outbursting behaviors or to separate. My affections had been abused for 25 years and they didn't exist for him anymore.

I met my husband about 6 weeks after the divorce was final. I fell in love with him almost immediately but knew better than to get married too quickly, before issues have a chance to come up and be flushed out, so we waited for a year.

I had hoped to be single for several years before looking too seriously, but that wasn't meant to be. By the time we married, I couldn't WAIT to run down the aisle.

I'm so glad that you found a wife that you seem to be very happy with. Kudos to you two, and best wishes for your future!

 

[DZoolander]

Thank you!

Yeah, it is a bit of a different situation. A number of things happened in mine, I saw where it was going, didn't want that, she had no desire to change, etc. So, I nipped it in the bud and told her to leave, filed for divorce the day after, twiddled my thumbs for the 6 month minimum waiting period, and was done with it.

I didn't really WANT it at the moment...but didn't really see another option with the way things had played out. So, I just took my time and enjoyed my single-hood.

I can see how it would be different if the situation had gone on for years and years - and they'd spent the whole time poisoning whatever feelings I might have had.

 

[DZoolander]

The whole process and subsequent few years definitely made for some interesting times though.

Like I also got the marriage annulled in the Catholic church (that was where the marriage had happened)...but I'm not Catholic. They don't just hand out annulments - especially when the petitioner isn't Catholic himself - so that was an interesting process.

Then I had cut contact with her for a few years - and suddenly I get a call from her asking for my advice on whether or not she ought date an actively bisexual guy...lol Didn't listen to my advice and married him (I'm sure you can imagine what my advice was.) So I was kinda amazed that I'd even be asked that.

Then there was the time that the bisexual guy introduced himself randomly to me at the gym like a year later...and let it be known that he'd be "interested" hahahaha That flew over really well.

Then I told her don't bother me any more. That stuck for about another 7-8 years...but nowadays I'll receive a random note on FB once a year or so telling me how her family is doing and saying "Merry Christmas" or the like. I'm ok with that - because I do like knowing how her family is doing - it's been nearly 20 years or so - and she's said nothing stupid since.

 

[tall73]

The fact that OP is at a point where his behavior could indicate there is one and her trust is being damaged is enough of a sign that it’s time to get help and deal with the issue. Once she starts down the road to investigating, nothing good will come of it regardless of he’s cheating or not.

hi,

ive been on this forum for a few months and never really posted anything till now.

My husband and i have been married for close to 4yrs and have a 2yr old daughter. Ive been troubled emotionally and spiritually during the past few months. My husband has been getting very close to his female coworker who is also married to the extent that her husband suspected something and threatened my husband (he told me about this incident himself perhaps just in case i got to hear about it from someone else). When I asked him if there was anything more to this friendship he said he was just helping her out with assignments for her MBA. Well shes dropped out of her MBA but i know he still spends time alone with her at work.
im not even sure that anything really is going on between the two except i know him very well and hes not a very social outgoing person. Just before our wedding an old girlfriend of his came back to town after yrs overseas and they rekindled their friendship going on dates and he would drive her to anywhere she wanted to go. i found out and turns out he hadnt even told her he was engaged.

I dont know how to deal with this situation and only came to this forum because i have no one else to speak to. How do you deal with a relationship that is slowly falling apart? we dont even sit together to have a meal, he prefers to eat alone. We dont even go to church together anymore. I have a fear of being labeled as a nagging wife and dont always complain about this.

Please pray for me and my family.

What is your husband's spiritual background?

Was he previously very active in church?

Have you talked to him about the inappropriate contentography yet?