I need help..

[Zollie@88]

hi,

ive been on this forum for a few months and never really posted anything till now.

My husband and i have been married for close to 4yrs and have a 2yr old daughter. Ive been troubled emotionally and spiritually during the past few months. My husband has been getting very close to his female coworker who is also married to the extent that her husband suspected something and threatened my husband (he told me about this incident himself perhaps just in case i got to hear about it from someone else). When I asked him if there was anything more to this friendship he said he was just helping her out with assignments for her MBA. Well shes dropped out of her MBA but i know he still spends time alone with her at work.
im not even sure that anything really is going on between the two except i know him very well and hes not a very social outgoing person. Just before our wedding an old girlfriend of his came back to town after yrs overseas and they rekindled their friendship going on dates and he would drive her to anywhere she wanted to go. i found out and turns out he hadnt even told her he was engaged.

I dont know how to deal with this situation and only came to this forum because i have no one else to speak to. How do you deal with a relationship that is slowly falling apart? we dont even sit together to have a meal, he prefers to eat alone. We dont even go to church together anymore. I have a fear of being labeled as a nagging wife and dont always complain about this.

Please pray for me and my family.

 

[Tolworth John]

we dont even sit together to have a meal, he prefers to eat alone. We dont even go to church together anymore

Be blunt and at breakfast ask him what time he will be home as dinner will be on the table shortly after he gets home.
On Sunday ask him is he coming to church, if not why not.
Remind him of his role as spiritual leader to his family.

 

[RaymondG]

Seems that you set the tone for the marriage when you went along with the marriage even after the incidents with the Ex girlfriend. It gave the message that this sort of thing was ok with you. Now, if you want things to change, you may have to demand that they change and be ready, willing and able to leave if they dont. If you are not ready, willing and able to leave....do nothing until you are.....or else it will be just like the situation before marriage.

 

[mkgal1]

Praying for you, Zollie. I do believe that you should bring this up with him (instead of living in this purgatory of doubt and confusion). I don't have advice for you right now....but I'm praying for the wisdom in just HOW to bring this up will be given to you. I do know most people don't respond well to demands (or obligations)....maybe more of "I really want this [your expectations and desires--maybe something like "for us to be more of a team"] for our marriage and family.....is that what you also want also?" may be best.

 

[Endeavourer]

Don't ask him if he is having an affair. If he is (and it sounds like he is) the affair will just go further underground and will be harder for your to find.

Can you look around to see if you can access what the nature of his communications with this other person is without raising his suspicions that you might be on to him?

While you are checking this out, just carry on as normal as possible so he doesn't realize you suspect anything. He'll just make it harder for you to find if he does.

 

[Dave-W]

On Sunday ask him is he coming to church, if not why not.

Make that Saturday. She is SDA.

 

[RaymondG]

Don't ask him if he is having an affair. If he is (and it sounds like he is) the affair will just go further underground and will be harder for your to find.

Can you look around to see if you can access what the nature of his communications with this other person is without raising his suspicions that you might be on to him?

While you are checking this out, just carry on as normal as possible so he doesn't realize you suspect anything. He'll just make it harder for you to find if he does.

This may not be the way to go to become a mature, confident, independent woman. She should not waste time snooping, when she could spend it loving, supporting and caring for herself.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

hi,

ive been on this forum for a few months and never really posted anything till now.

My husband and i have been married for close to 4yrs and have a 2yr old daughter. Ive been troubled emotionally and spiritually during the past few months. My husband has been getting very close to his female coworker who is also married to the extent that her husband suspected something and threatened my husband (he told me about this incident himself perhaps just in case i got to hear about it from someone else). When I asked him if there was anything more to this friendship he said he was just helping her out with assignments for her MBA. Well shes dropped out of her MBA but i know he still spends time alone with her at work.
im not even sure that anything really is going on between the two except i know him very well and hes not a very social outgoing person. Just before our wedding an old girlfriend of his came back to town after yrs overseas and they rekindled their friendship going on dates and he would drive her to anywhere she wanted to go. i found out and turns out he hadnt even told her he was engaged.

I dont know how to deal with this situation and only came to this forum because i have no one else to speak to. How do you deal with a relationship that is slowly falling apart? we dont even sit together to have a meal, he prefers to eat alone. We dont even go to church together anymore. I have a fear of being labeled as a nagging wife and dont always complain about this.

Please pray for me and my family.

HI you are in a very tough spot and I feel for your pain. Make a counseling appointment with your pastor. See if he is willing to have a talk with your husband or invite him over for dinner and see if he can tactfully address the issues. I will be praying for you both.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Well at first when I was reading I was thinking "Can't really tell if hes up to anything, its probably nothing.". But then you said he eats alone, doesn't even go to church. Seems odd. Not saying its anything to do with that woman of course. Could just be maybe hes bottling up feelings about something. Have you checked his phone, PC...etc for evidence of any kind? inappropriate content. Maybe message to people.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to eat or go to church with you? Obviously I wouldn't directly ask if hes cheating because that will make things worse. You sort of will have to be a detective and look around and piece together what is doing on. Once you know, then you can figure out how to approach it.

Obviously I'd recommend counseling since he seems to be distant from you. If he asks why you want counseling just tell him you're just feeling a bit lonely since he doesn't spend time with you anymore.

 

[Zollie@88]

Praying for you, Zollie. I do believe that you should bring this up with him (instead of living in this purgatory of doubt and confusion). I don't have advice for you right now....but I'm praying for the wisdom in just HOW to bring this up will be given to you. I do know most people don't respond well to demands (or obligations)....maybe more of "I really want this [your expectations and desires--maybe something like "for us to be more of a team"] for our marriage and family.....is that what you also want also?" may be best.

Thank you so much for your prayers and advice.

 

[Zollie@88]

Well at first when I was reading I was thinking "Can't really tell if hes up to anything, its probably nothing.". But then you said he eats alone, doesn't even go to church. Seems odd. Not saying its anything to do with that woman of course. Could just be maybe hes bottling up feelings about something. Have you checked his phone, PC...etc for evidence of any kind? inappropriate content. Maybe message to people.

Have you asked him why he doesn't want to eat or go to church with you? Obviously I wouldn't directly ask if hes cheating because that will make things worse. You sort of will have to be a detective and look around and piece together what is doing on. Once you know, then you can figure out how to approach it.

Obviously I'd recommend counseling since he seems to be distant from you. If he asks why you want counseling just tell him you're just feeling a bit lonely since he doesn't spend time with you anymore.

i discovered by accident that he does look at inappropriate content and i told him that makes me uncomfortable and not confident in my own appearance because of the images he looks at. This has affected our intimacy in a way.

I actually did check through his work emails and all i found was them asking each other what time to meet up or him asking if she was alone in her office so he can come over and say hi... Ive asked that we eat together as a family and he agreed but it only lasted a few days.

 

[Endeavourer]

i discovered by accident that he does look at inappropriate content and i told him that makes me uncomfortable and not confident in my own appearance because of the images he looks at. This has affected our intimacy in a way.

I actually did check through his work emails and all i found was them asking each other what time to meet up or him asking if she was alone in her office so he can come over and say hi... Ive asked that we eat together as a family and he agreed but it only lasted a few days.

Great job at finding this. It indicates there is certainly something going on, but in order to take the next step of resolving that situation, keep looking for a piece of evidence that would convince a jury. Based on what you have written so far, I give it a 99.5% probability that there is something more specific to be found. Save a copy of what you found.

Can you access his personal emails? He may be quite restrained on what he says in a work email given that his IT people can easily read it and in many work environments, his manager would have access to his emails.

You just need any documented communication, whether written or verbal, and it doesn't need to be extensive -just conclusive. Once you have that, you'll have proof of the truth and can take the next steps to break up the affair and stop this madness in your life. Save a copy of what you find.

When you find it, don't confront him and don't indicate that you know anything. Carry on like normal. Instead, there is a strategic and sequential pattern of actions that has been proven to be most likely to break up an affair. Something this important needs a logical (not emotional) plan of action. Crying and pursuing wives are very unattractive to men who are in an affair, so those very natural reactions are unlikely to help you.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Playing detective/warden is a very dangerous game to play. Having seen it played out dozens of times, it starts rolling downhill pretty rapidly and I’ll be honest, more people don’t bounce back from that than do. It creates an unwinable dynamic where you resort to what you accuse him of, further compromising trust, and it creates an insatiable paranoia that will be all-consuming.

If your trust is so broken that you would work behind his back to “catch” him like this, it’s best to say so and get help, not resort to sneaking and spying and the like. Whatever you find or don’t find will never, ever be enough to satisfy the problem and heal trust. It’s a Pandora’s Box that only makes you more and more paranoid, your trust issues will be totally unresolved and unchecked, he is put in an unwinable position, and your mental stability takes a nosedive.

Don’t play detective, don’t manipulate him with games like 180 or similar... View the compulsion to want to check on him in such a way as a symptom of the big problem (trust) and get help. The answer to compromised trust and manipulation isn’t to just be better at manipulation and mind games. It’s to be honest. There is no trick or plan in the world that can dupe a person into staying in a marriage or being more trustworthy.

 

[RaymondG]

Use your snooping time to get closer to God and make yourself happy. The more you are happy alone with yourself, the less whatever your husband is doing will affect you... You will realize that you can be happy alone and your husband will have no choice but to change before you decide to actually be alone. But as long as you sit and be unhappy alone.....it will be hard to get anyone to sit and be unhappy along with you.

 

[Endeavourer]

If you want to continue your life as it is being lived today, protect the perpetrators by not finding evidence of their conduct.

If you want a change, find the evidence so you can make the change.

It all boils down to whether you want to live as the lowest person on the totem pole in a three way intimate relationship, or whether you want your husband exclusively for yourself and your children.

The advice of 'just pray' falls short of Biblical counsel - God expects us to diligently pursue the means we have to better our lives and not to just wait and pray. He didn't tell the Israelites to just wait and pray for their promised land; he told them to get into Canaan and conquer it. The Proverbs 31 woman would certainly NOT sit back to watch a calamity engulf her home and children; she would be busy protecting her household.

 

[Endeavourer]

Use your snooping time to get closer to God and make yourself happy. The more you are happy alone with yourself, the less whatever your husband is doing will affect you... You will realize that you can be happy alone and your husband will have no choice but to change before you decide to actually be alone. But as long as you sit and be unhappy alone.....it will be hard to get anyone to sit and be unhappy along with you.

This doesn't sound like any kind of marriage that I would be happy with, or allow.

It is dangerous advice for a woman to follow because if she tolerates this type of situation for very long her health will be damaged, possibly permanently.

Women's health is damaged from stress much faster than men's health is - you can't use whatever you tolerated in your marriage as a guide for what she could/should because her body is not as strong as yours.

Further, when someone is in a covenant with death, God's instructions are to take a stick and beat it out, not to try to find comfort in a bed that's too short or covers that are too narrow. God's counsel is wonderful and works excellently; I highly recommend it.

 

[Endeavourer]

Playing detective/warden is a very dangerous game to play. Having seen it played out dozens of times, it starts rolling downhill pretty rapidly and I’ll be honest, more people don’t bounce back from that than do. It creates an unwinable dynamic where you resort to what you accuse him of, further compromising trust, and it creates an insatiable paranoia that will be all-consuming.

If your trust is so broken that you would work behind his back to “catch” him like this, it’s best to say so and get help, not resort to sneaking and spying and the like. Whatever you find or don’t find will never, ever be enough to satisfy the problem and heal trust. It’s a Pandora’s Box that only makes you more and more paranoid, your trust issues will be totally unresolved and unchecked, he is put in an unwinable position, and your mental stability takes a nosedive.

Don’t play detective, don’t manipulate him with games like 180 or similar... View the compulsion to want to check on him in such a way as a symptom of the big problem (trust) and get help. The answer to compromised trust and manipulation isn’t to just be better at manipulation and mind games. It’s to be honest. There is no trick or plan in the world that can dupe a person into staying in a marriage or being more trustworthy.

She SHOULD have a problem with trust! Her husband is likely cheating on her.

If she confronts him, the most likely result is that he will continue the affair but just hide it better, and then she is giving up more time and years of her life in misery, the victim and pawn of a merciless, extramarital addiction.

Her best outcome is to find proof and then engage in a strategic plan to break up the affair (addiction) so she can have the opportunity to decide if she wants her husband back.

 

[RaymondG]

This doesn't sound like any kind of marriage that I would be happy with, or allow.

It is dangerous advice for a woman to follow because if she tolerates this type of situation for very long her health will be damaged, possibly permanently.

Women's health is damaged from stress much faster than men's health is - you can't use whatever you tolerated in your marriage as a guide for what she could/should because her body is not as strong as yours.

Further, when someone is in a covenant with death, God's instructions are to take a stick and beat it out, not to try to find comfort in a bed that's too short or covers that are too narrow. God's counsel is wonderful and works excellently; I highly recommend it.

Your insinuation of cheating(with no evidence) and your advice to dwell on the cheating and to dedicate her life to searching out and finding wrong doing will cause a great deal of stress and heart ache to the OP'er. She should dwell on the good in her life and focus on herself. Cast your cares on ME and take no thought for tomorrow, Jesus said. You are advising her to forget about the Lord and handle things herself......this is a path to destruction.

She need to be happy with herself. Then she can effectively move forward in the future, whether her husband wants to move with her or not.

 

[mkgal1]

@RaymondG and @Tropical Wilds what do you two think about her (somehow) confronting the issue of the inappropriate content that she *did* find evidence of him viewing? If it's habitual....that does destroy his ability to love. Brain, Heart, World | Fight the New Drug

---------->Sure, inappropriate content is fake, but what’s wrong with a little harmless fantasy? The problem is, inappropriate content isn’t harmless at all. Studies show that viewing inappropriate content makes consumers more critical of their partner and less satisfied with their romantic relationship and sex life. Not only does inappropriate content impact romantic relationships, but inappropriate content influences the ways individuals view themselves, as well their friends, family members, and others around them. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, inappropriate content also changes the ways that individuals view the hobbies and passions they used to love!~Full article: How inappropriate content Kills Love

 

[mkgal1]

This doesn't sound like any kind of marriage that I would be happy with, or allow.

The problem with this is....we can't coerce another person into loving us.