I need help..

Endeavourer

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Your insinuation of cheating(with no evidence) and your advice to dwell on the cheating and to dedicate her life to searching out and finding wrong doing will cause a great deal of stress and heart ache to the OP'er. She should dwell on the good in her life and focus on herself. Cast your cares on ME and take no thought for tomorrow, Jesus said. You are advising her to forget about the Lord and handle things herself......this is a path to destruction.

She need to be happy with herself. Then she can effectively move forward in the future, whether her husband wants to move with her or not.

This is terrible advice for a woman who is in an abusive marriage and it will cause her to lose her health.

Being cheated on in a marriage is abuse. To be happy she needs to change her situation and not accept a cheating husband. A person should not wait out the other spouse's addiction to an extramarital sexual partner - they need to take steps to protect themselves from it and facilitate its end.

Jesus does not tell us to dwell in persecution but to flee it. He also tells us that if we are not willing to work for what we need, we will not be able to be filled (he who will not work should not eat). God tells us to take a stick and beat out a covenant with death; sitting around is forgetting about the brain and feet God gave her to deal with her life.

Casting your cares upon Jesus and taking no thought for tomorrow is grievously misapplied advice to this OP's situation. Would you do that (and only that) if your house were burning down? If your child were deathly ill? if your home was under a threat you could avoid?
 
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RaymondG

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@RaymondG and @Tropical Wilds what do you two think about her (somehow) confronting the issue of the inappropriate content that she *did* find evidence of him viewing? If it's habitual....that does destroy his ability to love. Brain, Heart, World | Fight the New Drug

---------->Sure, inappropriate content is fake, but what’s wrong with a little harmless fantasy? The problem is, inappropriate content isn’t harmless at all. Studies show that viewing inappropriate content makes consumers more critical of their partner and less satisfied with their romantic relationship and sex life. Not only does inappropriate content impact romantic relationships, but inappropriate content influences the ways individuals view themselves, as well their friends, family members, and others around them. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, inappropriate content also changes the ways that individuals view the hobbies and passions they used to love!~Full article: How inappropriate content Kills Love
I believe she should decide what she wants for herself and get it. If she doesnt want a man that watches it, she should not have a man that watch it. The issue is that she is not in a position right now of self love. She needs to be with someone even if that someone is hurting her. When she can be happy with herself and happy alone, she will then be in a better position to demand what she wants and get it.

There are many men who will give her what she wants....or she can be happy alone.....yet if she remain content, or feel that she doesnt deserve better , she wont get better. I believe her husband will shape up, when she is ready and happy to ship out.
 
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Endeavourer

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Your insinuation of cheating(with no evidence) and your advice to dwell on the cheating and to dedicate her life to searching out and finding wrong doing will cause a great deal of stress and heart ache to the OP'er.

With **NO** evidence? Have you been reading her posts?

What kind of evidence would you need short of this to believe it is highly likely an affair is occuring?
 
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Endeavourer

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This doesn't sound like any kind of marriage that I would be happy with, or allow.

The problem with this is....we can't coerce another person into loving us.

We can't - but we certainly are not obligated to accept or allow the benefit of a marriage to a spouse who is cheating on us. We can certainly take measures to save our marriage in spite of the cheating and/or walk away from it if the cheater won't stop.

I would not accept or allow being treated that way. In no way does the Bible encourage me to, either.
 
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Endeavourer

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I believe she should decide what she wants for herself and get it. If she doesnt want a man that watches it, she should not have a man that watch it. The issue is that she is not in a position right now of self love. She needs to be with someone even if that someone is hurting her. When she can be happy with herself and happy alone, she will then be in a better position to demand what she wants and get it.

There are many men who will give her what she wants....or she can be happy alone.....yet if she remain content, or feel that she doesnt deserve better , she wont get better. I believe her husband will shape up, when she is ready and happy to ship out.

So your advice to her is to sit around and do nothing to save her children's home or marriage until she is so disgusted that she decides to be happy for herself and ends the marriage?

This is some confusing (and as I have said before, damaging) advice! I can't find anything in my Bible that supports it.

Much better to know what your problem really is, ASAP, so you can get to fixing it. As they say, a stitch in time saves nine. You are advocating her to wait until 9 stitches are needed and then throw out the marriage! The faster affairs are broken up, the more likely a marriage can be saved.

I'm advising her to find out what the truth of her life is so she can take action to resolve her situation and hopefully, perhaps save her marriage.
 
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RaymondG

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Being cheated on in a marriage is abuse. To be happy she needs to change her situation and not accept a cheating husband. A person should not wait out the other spouse's addiction to an extramarital sexual partner - they need to take steps to protect themselves from it and facilitate its end.
I agree with everything here.....and I told the OPer the step to take and that this should not be accepted. you dont agree with my way, so you dismiss everything i say.

Jesus does not tell us to dwell in persecution but to flee it. He also tells us that if we are not willing to work for what we need, we will not be able to be filled (he who will not work should not eat).
I agree, yet you are tell her to dwell in it...search it out.....wallow in it......and I am telling her to do the opposite. Come out, and separate yourself from it! And trust me.....snooping and stalking is easy.....letting go and letting God? Now that is difficult......Im not saying that my advise is easy..... If the OP want easy....she should follow you.

Casting your cares upon Jesus and taking no thought for tomorrow is grievously misapplied advice to this OP's situation. Would you do that (and only that) if your house were burning down?
In the past I wouldnt do it......I tried to take care of things myself and failed.....it wasnt until I let go that God stepped in and healed the land.

And guess what....since God took over...I had no one to thank But Him....not my good works, not my snoop....it was all Him.
 
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RaymondG

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So your advice to her is to sit around and do nothing to save her children's home or marriage until she is so disgusted that she decides to be happy for herself and ends the marriage?

This is some confusing (and as I have said before, damaging) advice! I can't find anything in my Bible that supports it.

Much better to know what your problem really is, ASAP, so you can get to fixing it. As they say, a stitch in time saves nine. You are advocating her to wait until 9 stitches are needed and then throw out the marriage! The faster affairs are broken up, the more likely a marriage can be saved.

I'm advising her to find out what the truth of her life is so she can take action to resolve her situation and hopefully, perhaps save her marriage.
I understand that trusting in God is not in your vocabulary. You have to fix things yourself or they wont get fixed. This is not true for everyone. But I encourage you, like the woman with the issue of blood, to do all that you can....spend all your time and money....let the doctors do all that they can.......but you willl only get worse....until you touch the Hem.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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She SHOULD have a problem with trust! Her husband is likely cheating on her.

I’m not saying she shouldn’t. I’m saying if she does, then she should deal with that trust issue. Sneaking around to see if she can catch his sneaking around won’t work; she will make herself nuts as he simply beats her with his experience (if he is cheating).

If she confronts him, the most likely result is that he will continue the affair but just hide it better, and then she is giving up more time and years of her life in misery, the victim and pawn of a merciless, extramarital addiction.

So... She should waste time and be miserable while she looks to find proof of something that, even if she finds it, won’t be enough for her? Playing games, being a detective, trying to manipulate him, sneaking around and trying to catch him sneaking around so as to justify her feelings is a passive aggressive, degrades and makes unimportant how she feels, and it does nothing to help the problem she has right now.

She had a problem, she’s justified to feel like she does. She doesn’t need to wait until she has proof of a bigger problem, she can act this very second and get help for the problem she actually has this very second. Trying to catch him is a Pandora’s Box of paranoia that will make her less able to coherently fix the problem she has, and it puts him in an unwinable situation. Simply, he will be guilty until proven guilty for something he may or may not be doing and ignoring the actual problem in her marriage she knows about and can do something about.

Her best outcome is to find proof and then engage in a strategic plan to break up the affair (addiction) so she can have the opportunity to decide if she wants her husband back.

Proof is a red herring. If she finds it, it won’t be enough. It will be the justification she uses for the rest of her life and marriage to continue investigating her husband. If she doesn’t find it, she will never say “oh good, he’s not having an affair” and stop. She will go through his work email, if she finds nothing she will escalate and go through his personal email, if she finds nothing she will assume he has a secret email and raid his Facebook, if that turns up nothing then she’ll look at his other social media. Then she will say “I haven’t checked his work email in awhile, maybe he got sloppy and left something there...” and check it again. She will go through phone records that are months old, try to sneak access to his phone... She will assume by finding nothing he must be hiding it and will look harder. She won’t assume he’s innocent. And if she finds something, she will keep looking to find more.

She starts a cycle that will never end.

She has the opportunity right now to decide if she wants him under these conditions. She doesn’t need the excuse to justify her value, she already has it. She’s in this situation because of his erratic, untrustworthy behavior. Erratic, untrustworthy behavior as a response won’t fix it. She can’t manupulate him or play games to get what she wants out of him. She can’t trick him into choosing her if he’s choosing to go outside of the marriage or trick him into being more invested. There’s no roadmap or calculated steps to win him back. There’s just her and him, and her saying “this behavior is baloney and I’m not dealing with it anymore because I And our marriage deserve way better.”

She can be a paranoid manipulator trying to out deceive somebody she thinks is deceiving her, or she can do something that makes clear that the behavior she sees now is hurting her and them.
 
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Endeavourer

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I agree, yet you are tell her to dwell in it...search it out.....wallow in it......

Who said to wallow? Your advice of sitting around without any cares for tomorrow is wallowing. My advice is to find the proof so she can go fight the affair. No wallowing in my advice whatsoever. In fact, delaying and wallowing does more to guarantee her marriage cannot be saved because the longer the affair continues the harder it is to save the marriage.

In the past I wouldnt do it......I tried to take care of things myself and failed.....it wasnt until I let go that God stepped in and healed the land.

Yet that is not the advice found in the Bible for every situation. Just because something worked out one way for you does not mean that is God's new advice for everyone else. There are many, many places in the Bible where we are told to use the means God gave us diligently while we look to him for help.

Secondly, you are a man and the OP is a woman. This works WAY different if it's the man cheating or if its the woman cheating. Women are not as strong as men and men respond differently to a woman's pursuit than women respond to a man's.

Actions that have been proven to be successful for saving marriages after affairs are different if the man is cheating or if the woman is cheating. Men are able to maintain a pursuit of a woman who is cheating for a much longer term than a woman's health can withstand. First she is not as strong physically so she will develop stress related illnesses and second, a needy woman pursing a man is a turnoff for a man, whereas a man's pursuit of a woman is an encouragement to a woman.

And guess what....since God took over...I had no one to thank But Him....not my good works, not my snoop....it was all Him.

This may have been your unique experience but it is not guaranteed to work for everyone else and particularly not for a woman. I don't know your story other than you have been cheated on 2x by your wife and you pursued her until your situation turned around the second time. This plan won't work for a woman.

The most successful way to save marriages with affairs is to find out about the affair ASAP and stop it.
 
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Endeavourer

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So... She should waste time and be miserable while she looks to find proof of something that, even if she finds it, won’t be enough for her?

I didn't advise that. I told her to find one piece of evidence that would prove the affair and I believe I specifically said it didn't need to be extensive but it did need to be conclusive enough to convince a jury. You are twisting and adding to my words.

Playing games, being a detective, trying to manipulate him,

I never advised manipulating or games - but to simply to find evidence of a situation that seems to be all but obvious. Her husband is the one playing games and manipulating her. He's the one degrading her. She doesn't have to accept this. She can find the evidence and then take appropriate action to resolve her problem.

She had a problem, she’s justified to feel like she does. She doesn’t need to wait until she has proof of a bigger problem, she can act this very second and get help for the problem she actually has this very second.

Her problem will never be solved if she hides from it. She deserves to know the truth about her life, and whether or not she is having sexual relations with a man who is unfaithful to her. By extension, she is at risk from disease from every partner that some woman who sleeps around has had sex with.

Proof is a red herring. If she finds it, it won’t be enough.

That would be against my advice, wouldn't it? I told her to find conclusive proof; that it didn't need to be extensive but it did need to be conclusive. I didn't say to find proof and then keep finding more proof.

She has the opportunity right now to decide if she wants him under these conditions.

She doesn't know what conditions these are. It sure looks like he's cheating but she hasn't found a communication that would convince an average jury - apparently because of all the people on this board who are advising her as if her husband is not cheating on her! What I read was enough to convince me because I have seen enough of these situations to know for certainty what is always going on when this nature of correspondence is found.

Erratic, untrustworthy behavior won’t fix it. She can’t manupulate him or play games to get what she wants out of him. She can’t trick him into choosing her if he’s choosing to go outside of the marriage or trick him into being more invested.

I am certainly not advising her to be erratic or untrustworthy. I'm advising her to find out her truth so she can fight for her marriage (if she still wants it) and her children's home.

There’s no roadmap or calculated steps to win him back. There’s just her and him, and her saying “this behavior is baloney and I’m not dealing with it anymore because I And our marriage deserve way better.”

There actually is a roadmap that has proven to have the best shot of success when applied to 10,000's of couples. For the couples in the data set, the ones who did not follow the roadmap generally didn't recover their marriage, or stayed together but with an even worse marriage.

She can be a paranoid manipulator trying to out deceive somebody she thinks is deceiving her, or she can do something that makes clear that the behavior she sees now is hurting her and them.

Yes, she can find the truth and then take appropriate actions based on the truth.
 
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RaymondG

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Who said to wallow? Your advice of sitting around without any cares for tomorrow is wallowing. My advice is to find the proof so she can go fight the affair. No wallowing in my advice whatsoever. In fact, delaying and wallowing does more to guarantee her marriage cannot be saved because the longer the affair continues the harder it is to save the marriage.



Yet that is not the advice found in the Bible for every situation. Just because something worked out one way for you does not mean that is God's new advice for everyone else. There are many, many places in the Bible where we are told to use the means God gave us diligently while we look to him for help.

Secondly, you are a man and the OP is a woman. This works WAY different if it's the man cheating or if its the woman cheating. Women are not as strong as men and men respond differently to a woman's pursuit than women respond to a man's.

Actions that have been proven to be successful for saving marriages after affairs are different if the man is cheating or if the woman is cheating. Men are able to maintain a pursuit of a woman who is cheating for a much longer term than a woman's health can withstand. First she is not as strong physically so she will develop stress related illnesses and second, a needy woman pursing a man is a turnoff for a man, whereas a man's pursuit of a woman is an encouragement to a woman.



This may have been your unique experience but it is not guaranteed to work for everyone else and particularly not for a woman. I don't know your story other than you have been cheated on 2x by your wife and you pursued her until your situation turned around the second time. This plan won't work for a woman.

The most successful way to save marriages with affairs is to find out about the affair ASAP and stop it.
You are right, you dont know my situation, so dont assume. God can handle any situation regardless of gender......althought maybe your god cant. He works for job situations, financial, marital, you name it.....nothing is impossible for Him.

Maybe this is why we disagree....we dont serve the same god. I encourage you to continue in your ways, until you can consider that there may be a better one.
 
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RaymondG

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Your insinuation of cheating(with no evidence) and your advice to dwell on the cheating and to dedicate her life to searching out and finding wrong doing will cause a great deal of stress and heart ache to the OP'er.

With **NO** evidence? Have you been reading her posts?

What kind of evidence would you need short of this to believe it is highly likely an affair is occuring?

I told her to find conclusive proof; that it didn't need to be extensive but it did need to be conclusive. I didn't say to find proof and then keep finding more proof.

I told her to find one piece of evidence that would prove the affair and I believe I specifically said it didn't need to be extensive but it did need to be conclusive enough to convince a jury


You are so all over the place that it is mind boggling.
 
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Endeavourer

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You are right, you dont know my situation, so dont assume. God can handle any situation regardless of gender......althought maybe your god cant. He works for job situations, financial, marital, you name it.....nothing is impossible for Him.

Maybe this is why we disagree....we dont serve the same god. I encourage you to continue in your ways, until you can consider that there may be a better one.

More insults I see.

My God tells me to not give empty words to people while pretending to help them.

James 2:
14What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? 15If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, 16And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? 17Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.


My gratitude to Him is unwavering for removing the blinders I had and revealing the more full counsel of his Word to me (after suffering for many years under filters similar to what you are purporting), after I waited and waited when instead I could have taken profitable action to address my situation before my health deteriorated.
 
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RaymondG

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More insults I see.

My God tells me to not give empty words to people while pretending to help them.

James 2:
14What doth it profit, my brethren, though a man say he hath faith, and have not works? can faith save him? 15If a brother or sister be naked, and destitute of daily food, 16And one of you say unto them, Depart in peace, be ye warmed and filled; notwithstanding ye give them not those things which are needful to the body; what doth it profit? 17Even so faith, if it hath not works, is dead, being alone.


My gratitude to Him is unwavering for removing the blinders I had and revealing the more full counsel of his Word to me (after suffering for many years under filters similar to what you are purporting), after I waited and waited when instead I could have taken profitable action to address my situation before my health deteriorated.
It is only insulting if you feel you have the wrong god. Why cant I have the wrong one? Im willing to consider that... lest I crucify our lord like the religious of old, who felt Jesus' sayings were un-biblical. I will never be so right that everyone elses view as wrong if they disagree with me.

Again I dont want you to change anything you believe unless you feel lead to.

I dont find trusting in God to be such a negative thing. But there is nothing wrong with trying everything else first....God will still be there waiting for us to .....stand still and see.
 
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Tropical Wilds

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Endeavourer, I’ll be honest... When it comes to issues of affairs you take a scorched earth approach and you deliver this viewpoint with a level of... Let’s say I nflexibility and hyper oversensitivity... To any disagreement of your approach that it makes you difficult-to-impossible to discuss these things with you. You see attacks were there are none, you are easily offended, you accuse people of things while doing exactly what you accuse them of, and you bombard threads with repeated and back-to-back posts that choke out any other discussion besides your own and that of the Apostle Dr. H.

I think we all get that you have a “your way or the highway” approach (and that highway leads straight to the infallible and beyond reproach Dr. H) which isn’t an issue in and of itself as many posters are the same, but the level of your being aggressively confrontational and relentless about it is exhausting. It makes participating in these discussions not a free exchange of tactics and dialogues, but a wall of posts that copy and paste a sentiment of somebody a majority of posters have said repeatedly they at best dislike/disagree with and at worst find actively offensive and destructive.

Maybe before diving into these threads and responding, personally acknowledging you find this topic deeply triggering and then revising your posts to be less of a commercial for Dr. H and/or claiming your way is the best way/only way/the failproof/successful way may be the way to go. The level of congestion this adds to threads is an active deterrent to participating or sharing anything in these forums and threads. You simply leave no space, physically with your posts and in terms of free exchange of ideas, for anybody but you and the doctrine of Dr. H.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I'll just say as someone who had a MASSIVE, almost many times a day inappropriate content addiction the past (and it still rears its head on rare occasions), I wish I could go back in time when it all started and said "Looking at this magazine of National Geographic perversely will lead you down a DARK and damaging path! Don't do it!".

Its an addiction that you feel helpless in. Even more so because you know telling anyone will make them think different of you. And marriage wise it will mess with your head on what is "normal" when it comes to sex. While the good news is I have recovered from alot of that damage done to my brain. The down side is I'm still left having a difficult time getting.... excited but my wife. At least at first.

I pray for anyone whos looked at inappropriate content (man or woman) and pray they will stop before its to late.
 
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Endeavourer

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Endeavourer, I’ll be honest...

I came to acknowledge the wisdom gleaned by Dr. Harley's research the hard way, after fighting against it for almost 2 years, but yet, unfailingly the behavior patterns researched in his very large body of data proved to be correct - over and over again. The predictability of the next turn in my marriage was uncanny. I became somewhat infamous in the marriagebuilder community for one of the hardest people to persuade they had encountered.

One of the reasons I was so hard to win over was my very strong filters surrounding my understanding of God's word. It wasn't until there was almost nothing left of me that I had no choice to proceed, finally, according to the increasingly glaringly obvious advice I was being given by a VERY patient community. Once I proceeded with the advice, my situation resolved within several months in a way that was clear to me that nothing else would have worked. In retrospect, I was able to see how completely wrong my filters had been as my eyes were opened to how ALL of Scripture is applicable to these situations, not just the typically quoted "wait and pray" verses. I realized how damaging this ignorance had been to my health and how it didn't allow me to claim the dignity God has for all of his children, including his daughters. How it prevented me from taking effectual action. I spent several years on the journey of analyzing how my previous filters were not in accordance with the full counsel of Scripture. In fact, there is a TON of counsel in Scriptures urging effectual action in the face of trials and adversity.

Since then, I have been involved as a volunteer, either directly or as a first hand witness, to applying the methods and patterns identified in this research (which is focused on what has worked and what hasn't worked in 10,000's of couples) when helping several hundred couples who have experienced infidelity in their marriage.

Those who refuse to apply the methods either a) linger in a marriage of betrayal until the affair is so entrenched that the wayward spouse leaves the marriage for the other partner or b) are back some time later because they have realized that in spite of the wayward spouse's promises, the affair did actually continue on -like we were telling them it was - and they experienced another devastating discovery of it so were back for help to follow the methods this time.

Additionally, I've spent hundreds of hours researching the archives of 1,000's more couples' journeys through infidelity and the same was true very consistently through each of their experiences.

Of those who apply the methods identified by research, many of them recovered their marriage unless the affair had been going on for too long. Of those who didn't, they exited the marriage with the peace of mind knowing that they had done everything they could do that would have recovered their marriage.

This peace of mind which prevents you from tormenting yourself with doubts when faced with the pain of the children, is invaluable. It frees the betrayed spouse to focus on the children and create a better environment of support for their pain rather than spend energy tormenting themselves that the pain of the children could somehow have been prevented by them. These methods help them distance themselves from the wayward spouse in a way that preserves their health and sanity.

In this volunteer work, we have become sensitive to certain "tells" in the narratives of the original posts where even if the betrayed spouse has NO idea the problem in their marriage is an affair, we can often pinpoint that it is. Nearly every time we identify these patterns and the betrayed spouse is finally willing to investigate, they do find an affair.

In this OP, I picked up those signals immediately and was not surprised by the further confirmations - in fact, I expected them. However, I recognize that most people are not as tuned into the "tells" so advised her to get evidence/proof that is so conclusive it would convince a jury. Even here on this board of people wanting to provide marital advice, the clue of her husband wanting to meet alone with a woman he was growing a relationship with is not convincing. Rather than have her make accusations she could be talked out of, it would be far better to have her get evidence that would be conclusive to everyone else.

The initial accusation is the one that has the most impact. I'm certain, based on her story, that there is more to find that even an addict (her husband) would not be able to talk her out of. Addicts are very persuasive and very good at gaslighting. My advice to get more proof was for HER safety, not because I have any doubts.
 
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DZoolander

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TBH - when I read things like the original post in this thread - they kind of make me wince. People get embroiled in situations and things start getting conflated that are not necessarily related - and as a result feelings compound themselves. People begin to feel overwhelmed by the data coming in - the hurt that it causes - and it all gets lumped together as "one big hurt".

When I was younger - I started to parse things out - because that's what I always discovered helped me get ahold of situations. My way of dealing with issues is to segment things.

Like in the OP - she says things like...
  • I've discovered my husband watches inappropriate content
  • inappropriate content makes me feel badly about myself - because what he's viewing looks different than how I look.
  • My husband is having lunch with someone else
  • That person's husband accused them of having an affair and threatened him
  • My husband has a history of not owning up to his relationship, due to him not telling an ex girlfriend that he was engaged.
...etc

Conflated together that becomes something along the lines of...

My husband has never been honest about our relationship with other women, and clearly finds me unattractive because he looks at inappropriate content with women that look different than me. That must be what he's truly attracted to, and he likely has started looking for it elsewhere since he's not getting it at home. He has started a relationship with this other woman, which clearly others think is questionable as well, due to the fact he was threatened by this other husband. Perhaps this other husband knows more than I do.

One thing leads to another, supported by the previous thought.

But it's not NECESSARILY true. It COULD be true...but who knows?

The reason I like to segment data out is that it eliminates one thing acting as a foundation for another.

For example - in this story she's telling herself - is the part about inappropriate content true? Do people opt for inappropriate content because it enables them to at least see something that they are longing for and are missing in their lives? Let's say that someone had their ideal woman...does that mean they would never look at inappropriate content because they felt there were missing nothing? Is that why people look at inappropriate content?

I don't think that's necessarily true. I would argue that most guys that look at inappropriate content probably couldn't tell you what they saw 15 minutes after viewing it. A half hour later - they probably don't even remember that they saw it in the first place. They couldn't tell you what color hair she had, what they'd seen, etc. It really is an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing.

So ought the fact he's viewed inappropriate content act as some sort of proof that he's not attracted to his wife, and that he's longing for something else? Or just settling? I mean - that is kinda the foundation of her whole belief and feeling, isn't it? She feels badly about herself because of what he's viewed, it takes a toll on their intimacy, and she innately feels that he won't do without and will start seeking those things that he REALLY is attracted to...

That is the foundation of the whole belief, isn't it? And what happens if that foundation isn't exactly accurate? What if he's just simply bored, gets a hankering to have a go at himself and simply looks for a visual cue to get him going? What if that's all it is?

Where does that leave the rest of the chain of beliefs or perceptions?

Then you get other things like the fact that the other hubby confronted him. That could be because the hubby knows something - or it could be because of something else. She doesn't know the hubby.

For example - I've known guys who were getting cheated on that had every right to go confront the other individual IMHO. But, I've also known an Arab guy who would challenge you to a fight if you were talking to his wife and the balance of people in the conversation looked suspect to him.

He was the husband of a coworker of mine. I remember at one Christmas party, a conversation was going on between one employee, her husband, another employee and the Arab guy's wife. Since the male/female balance was off - he started trying to pick a fight with the employee who was seemingly "matched" with his wife in that grouping of people.

I know for a FACT that there was nothing to that perception - but he did it anyhow. He did it to other people as well in other similar situations. So, the possibilities run the gamut.

Who knows...?

For someone's peace of mind, my advice is to always look at things as discrete before coming to conclusions. Things have a propensity of building upon other things - and I don't think it's always productive. Once you have everything segmented out - then you can look at them discretely and come to an informed conclusion.

I suppose you might say that you're putting blinders on if you don't look at things as related to each other - but I don't agree with that either. I had an ex wife I dumped for specific reasons. My tendency to split things up didn't impact upon the fact that there were certain behaviors that left on their own were completely unacceptable to me.

Just my .02
 
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Endeavourer

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My way of dealing with issues is to segment things.

Like in the OP - she says things like...
  • I've discovered my husband watches inappropriate content
  • inappropriate content makes me feel badly about myself - because what he's viewing looks different than how I look.
  • My husband is having lunch with someone else
  • That person's husband accused them of having an affair and threatened him
  • My husband has a history of not owning up to his relationship, due to him not telling an ex girlfriend that he was engaged.
...etc

Yes, this is great methodology.

For the purpose of my posts, I didn't touch the inappropriate content issue because it's an entirely different segment (issue) at the moment. The affair is the house burning down and the inappropriate content is the patio furniture. It is conflated a bit in the OP's mind but the inappropriate content and her self image is the least of her worries at this moment. Her self image is contributing to a building overall instinct, but it is smoke and not the fire.


I suppose you might say that you're putting blinders on if you don't look at things as related to each other - but I don't agree with that either. I had an ex wife I dumped for specific reasons. My tendency to split things up didn't impact upon the fact that there were certain behaviors that left on their own were completely unacceptable to me.

This is where the rubber meets the road. Conflating everything into a giant hazy smoke ball instead of segmenting them out confuses a person into not facing towards the actual fire ==> which is that certain behaviors, segmented out, are completely unacceptable (the fire).

In a sense, conflating things is putting the blinders on. Segmenting them provides a clearer view.

And, encouraging a person to wait until the smoke clears to see what's left ("wait and pray") disempowers them from taking productive action to identify or segment those certain behaviors that are unacceptable - and then to get out the hoses to put the fire out.

In your case, that resulted in a justifiable divorce, a divorce that Scripture gave you every right to proceed with. In fact, if you hadn't, you'd probably be reliving the same quagmire day to day, and have experienced many more discovery days. Sometimes a divorce is the definition of success.

At certain moments, waiting and praying is a good thing - such as after chemo has been applied and you are prayerfully waiting to see if it eradicated the cancer. However, waiting and praying without taking chemo is likely the certain death of the patient.
 
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