TBH - when I read things like the original post in this thread - they kind of make me wince. People get embroiled in situations and things start getting conflated that are not necessarily related - and as a result feelings compound themselves. People begin to feel overwhelmed by the data coming in - the hurt that it causes - and it all gets lumped together as "one big hurt".
When I was younger - I started to parse things out - because that's what I always discovered helped me get ahold of situations. My way of dealing with issues is to segment things.
Like in the OP - she says things like...
- I've discovered my husband watches inappropriate content
- inappropriate content makes me feel badly about myself - because what he's viewing looks different than how I look.
- My husband is having lunch with someone else
- That person's husband accused them of having an affair and threatened him
- My husband has a history of not owning up to his relationship, due to him not telling an ex girlfriend that he was engaged.
...etc
Conflated together that becomes something along the lines of...
My husband has never been honest about our relationship with other women, and clearly finds me unattractive because he looks at inappropriate content with women that look different than me. That must be what he's truly attracted to, and he likely has started looking for it elsewhere since he's not getting it at home. He has started a relationship with this other woman, which clearly others think is questionable as well, due to the fact he was threatened by this other husband. Perhaps this other husband knows more than I do.
One thing leads to another, supported by the previous thought.
But it's not NECESSARILY true. It COULD be true...but who knows?
The reason I like to segment data out is that it eliminates one thing acting as a foundation for another.
For example - in this story she's telling herself - is the part about inappropriate content true? Do people opt for inappropriate content because it enables them to at least see something that they are longing for and are missing in their lives? Let's say that someone had their ideal woman...does that mean they would never look at inappropriate content because they felt there were missing nothing? Is that why people look at inappropriate content?
I don't think that's necessarily true. I would argue that most guys that look at inappropriate content probably couldn't tell you what they saw 15 minutes after viewing it. A half hour later - they probably don't even remember that they saw it in the first place. They couldn't tell you what color hair she had, what they'd seen, etc. It really is an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of thing.
So ought the fact he's viewed inappropriate content act as some sort of proof that he's not attracted to his wife, and that he's longing for something else? Or just settling? I mean - that is kinda the foundation of her whole belief and feeling, isn't it? She feels badly about herself because of what he's viewed, it takes a toll on their intimacy, and she innately feels that he won't do without and will start seeking those things that he REALLY is attracted to...
That is the foundation of the whole belief, isn't it? And what happens if that foundation isn't exactly accurate? What if he's just simply bored, gets a hankering to have a go at himself and simply looks for a visual cue to get him going? What if that's all it is?
Where does that leave the rest of the chain of beliefs or perceptions?
Then you get other things like the fact that the other hubby confronted him. That could be because the hubby knows something - or it could be because of something else. She doesn't know the hubby.
For example - I've known guys who were getting cheated on that had every right to go confront the other individual IMHO. But, I've also known an Arab guy who would challenge you to a fight if you were talking to his wife and the balance of people in the conversation looked suspect to him.
He was the husband of a coworker of mine. I remember at one Christmas party, a conversation was going on between one employee, her husband, another employee and the Arab guy's wife. Since the male/female balance was off - he started trying to pick a fight with the employee who was seemingly "matched" with his wife in that grouping of people.
I know for a FACT that there was nothing to that perception - but he did it anyhow. He did it to other people as well in other similar situations. So, the possibilities run the gamut.
Who knows...?
For someone's peace of mind, my advice is to always look at things as discrete before coming to conclusions. Things have a propensity of building upon other things - and I don't think it's always productive. Once you have everything segmented out - then you can look at them discretely and come to an informed conclusion.
I suppose you might say that you're putting blinders on if you don't look at things as related to each other - but I don't agree with that either. I had an ex wife I dumped for specific reasons. My tendency to split things up didn't impact upon the fact that there were certain behaviors that left on their own were completely unacceptable to me.
Just my .02