I need help

[~Ivy~]

I feel like maybe I've changed or something, my character hasn't gone up but probably has gone down these last eight months of OCD; I find myself sometimes rebellious towards God perhaps because I've fought so long and am so tired and I do not quite understand why this has happened but I correct myself almost immediately.

Also, I sometimes find myself cursing in my head --usually trying to fight OCD but I'm trying not to do that-- which I never did before OCD, also I find myself perhaps truly having the desire to take risks-- Like wanting to race in a car (Maybe I already wanted to do that); however I know that I wouldn't do that I think if there were other people at risk; however lol I feel like I don't care about risking myself which is bad like I don't care whether I die or not. I already had pride in my skills in school and so sometimes I don't know whether it is my pride or OCD that wants to take a risk and put my skills to the test or something: like I'll be doing a math problem and then a thought comes into my mind that if I get this problem right then I won't have to take a vow and I usually have a compulsion and say no I will not vow that whether or not I get this problem right or wrong.

But then either pride or OCD is pulling me towards taking a risk and I fight it and fight it because I or half of me or maybe just my spirit doesn't want to do that. Maybe my flesh wants to do that? It feels like almost a spiritual battle now but it could be OCD. OCD has hurt my character so much and has revealed stuff about my character that I probably knew but it didn't surface that much because i was usually a pretty happy person. I just don't know. Like I actually feel like I've made a few vows maybe or perhaps have given in to my real or fake desire to take risks.

Like I don't know if I'm fighting sin or OCD now or both. I've feel fake guilt about a fake vow I've vowed before that ended up not being a vow. So now I don't know whether the guilt I'm feeling now and the depression is based upon a fake vow I made. My overall character has gone down so much honestly like I don't know if it's OCD now or not. I used to be a people pleaser and now I feel more selfish or something.

I feel despair and I fear that I'm going to make a vow out of despair. Perhaps I already have. If I've made a vow I think I should keep it. We're supposed to "take up our cross", right? I might've made a vow to not have children which depressed me cause I felt almost 100% sure that I did but actually I'm not quite quite sure. But I'm never 100% sure about anything now haha. I might've sworn never to laugh again which is not a vow I can keep lol cause I laugh a lot. Please pray that the Lord would have mercy upon me.

 

[~Ivy~]

I can relate to you on so many levels and have been through the exact same feelings that you have. First, I want to say that you are not alone and you can get through this with Christ. I know exactly how scary this can be, but God is greater than our feelings.

I will tell you my background information, only because I think it might help you. As I mentioned previously, I had dealt with a type of Harm OCD in the past without even knowing what it was. It would make me so upset and disgusted I would feel like I was going to throw up. Now, years later I am dealing with religious OCD which has been even worse than the previous kind. Regardless of the type of OCD it hit so hard in May that I was having constant panic attacks. Extreme panic attacks to the point where I lost weight, I couldn't eat. My main feelings were those of extreme guilt and fear, it was almost constant until about the end of June. Then I experienced an episode of depersonalization where I felt outside of my body and severe emotion numbing.

It seems as if you are experiencing emotion numbing to some degree. I understand that it makes you feel confused and upset. For me, it was like I still think the exact same way, but my emotions aren't connecting with my thoughts like they normally would. At some points I have felt like I am only quiet little voice in my head. It was like after such extreme panic, my body had enough, and turned the dimmer switch on my emotions. Does this seem similar to you?

One thing I have learned throughout all of this is that God is good and God is greater. I have had to come to the end of myself. I cannot make myself feel physical emotion, even though I know with all my heart that is what I truly want or believe. This is hard for someone who always felt emotions easily and strongly like I had. I know God will heal me in due time.

Through all this I know that I cannot rely on myself, but on the mercy of Christ. Even if I don't know myself, as long as I know the Lord that is enough. Cast all of your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you. The key is to have FAITH through the storm.

Message me anytime!!

1 John 3:20
whenever our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.

Thank you so much. I can totally relate. My feelings I think have come back somewhat; they're irregular. I'm praying for you so much. You're strong God is going to use this for good in your life even if it doesn't seem like it. That verse you put made me tear up. I'm so tired and I don't understand myself anymore but I'm trying not give up. Thank you

 

[Subaru17]

Hi so this is really scaring me: I want to one day have children and Lord willing, will. But today has probably been one ord the worst days; I want to have children but I don't know if my brain is numbing me or something because it feels like I just don't care if I make a vow not to have children or something which scares me.

Also, feelings of wanting to take the vow or feelings that I have made a vow are really really strong and it's scary. Like haha today for the astros game, a thought came into my mind and I didn't even completely think it but the idea was this: If the Astros win the baseball game then I will not vow to not have children and if they lose then I will vow not to have children. I promptly said that even if they won or lost I'm not going to make that vow, Lord willing; and i said that many times but it almost felt like temptation: like something within me was trying and wanting to make that vow; like a split will, like it wanted to take a chance. I almost never take chances and I'm not usually foolish enough to do that; like no! And so it scares me because I feel like I have a split will now. I'll say no I don't want to do that, and I don't; but something within me is like Yes you do; the feelings are really really extremely strong when I have a lot of anxiety; sometimes I don't even know how much anxiety I have and then I'll get up from sitting haveing an anxiety attack and I'll realize how much anxiety I have.

But even when I have less anxiety sometimes I'll feel less interested in having children and not as against not having children. But then the next moment I'll really want to have children one day; I feel like OCD is numbing my desires or something and it scares me cause now I feel like all I have is my will which feels split or is secretly wanting to not have children or something or wanting to take chances. Like all I have now is my voice, and a kind of will? Like I say no you don't want that! and anxiety is there and it's just all so confusing. I just don't understand.

I guess ignore these feelings too? I can't even trust my desires or feelings or anything; this is what it felt like with my hocd and my violent thoughts; and now I'm having less of those. Even they are still there sometimes. I'm scared that I'm going to want to vow it or I that I am wanting take a random risk or that I am wanting to vow it. Do I secretly do or something? Like I don't want to because it's not reasonable at all, I need to plan for the future, I want (or used to want as OCD tells me) children, and I'm pretty sure that I will want to have children. Help!

Hi Ivy,

The good news is all these thoughts and feelings are just OCD, this is not a spiritual or moral dilemma but a mental one. I know exactly what you are talking about and it is 10/10 OCD. 100%
I do not believe that these things are of God.

I have gone through the same exact vow issue as it pertains to pop up vows tied to this or that outcome. If you substitute the Astros for the Redsox or Celtics then it would be identical!

It got to the point where I couldn't even watch a basketball game because every time the ball was in the air i would think " If the ball goes then I vow X" and if the ball doesn't go in "I vow Y"
Or if the ball goes in " then X vow is binding to me" or if it doesn't "X vow is not binding" This is all OCD.

Remember just as soon as you have one OCD issue figured out another will spring up, it is important not to get caught up on each issue but to take on OCD as a whole. I have spent a lot of time fighting symptoms and not focusing on the cause.

Your OCD will take and grab on to whatever fear you have.

An example I use is one day i read on here someone saying " I am just so worried because it feels like I don't even care about God or going to heaven or hell etc"

And boom. Suddenly the next day I feel like I don't care about God or going to heaven or hell. Because my OCD has recognized that as the next thing to torment me with. Its the same reason why people have HOCD. If homosexuality wasn't something that they didn't want they wouldn't feel as if they were. If harming children or loved ones wasn't repulsive to an OCD person they wouldn't be worrying about it

Fear is a liar.

Trust that God knows your heart.

You can beat this

 

[Subaru17]

I feel like maybe I've changed or something, my character hasn't gone up but probably has gone down these last eight months of OCD; I find myself sometimes rebellious towards God perhaps because I've fought so long and am so tired and I do not quite understand why this has happened but I correct myself almost immediately. Also, I sometimes find myself cursing in my head --usually trying to fight OCD but I'm trying not to do that-- which I never did before OCD, also I find myself perhaps truly having the desire to take risks-- Like wanting to race in a car (Maybe I already wanted to do that); however I know that I wouldn't do that I think if there were other people at risk; however lol I feel like I don't care about risking myself which is bad like I don't care whether I die or not. I already had pride in my skills in school and so sometimes I don't know whether it is my pride or OCD that wants to take a risk and put my skills to the test or something: like I'll be doing a math problem and then a thought comes into my mind that if I get this problem right then I won't have to take a vow and I usually have a compulsion and say no I will not vow that whether or not I get this problem right or wrong. But then either pride or OCD is pulling me towards taking a risk and I fight it and fight it because I or half of me or maybe just my spirit doesn't want to do that. Maybe my flesh wants to do that? It feels like almost a spiritual battle now but it could be OCD. OCD has hurt my character so much and has revealed stuff about my character that I probably knew but it didn't surface that much because i was usually a pretty happy person. I just don't know. Like I actually feel like I've made a few vows maybe or perhaps have given in to my real or fake desire to take risks. Like I don't know if I'm fighting sin or OCD now or both. I've feel fake guilt about a fake vow I've vowed before that ended up not being a vow. So now I don't know whether the guilt I'm feeling now and the depression is based upon a fake vow I made. My overall character has gone down so much honestly like I don't know if it's OCD now or not. I used to be a people pleaser and now I feel more selfish or something. I feel despair and I fear that I'm going to make a vow out of despair. Perhaps I already have. If I've made a vow I think I should keep it. We're supposed to "take up our cross", right? I might've made a vow to not have children which depressed me cause I felt almost 100% sure that I did but actually I'm not quite quite sure. But I'm never 100% sure about anything now haha. I might've sworn never to laugh again which is not a vow I can keep lol cause I laugh a lot. Please pray that the Lord would have mercy upon me.

Ivy,

I really do not think this is a spiritual issue. I completely understand feeling rebellious it is not an easy thing to do or life to live to have all these OCD thoughts and fears. As for the compulsive vows, do you think maybe you are using that to try to find out what you are supposed to do or to set a course for your life because you are afraid to actually do what you want to for your life? ( out of fear that it will displease God or break some Vow that you worry you might have made) I have had all those same test OCD vows, like : If i can carry this cup of water across the room without spilling it, I don't have to do X" or if i spill it " I vow X"

The cursing is very normal too, it is a compulsion. I had thoughts that were bad toward God so I used to curse my self instead, but once again it was a mental issue, not spiritual. The two must be separated.

 

[~Ivy~]

Ivy,

I really do not think this is a spiritual issue. I completely understand feeling rebellious it is not an easy thing to do or life to live to have all these OCD thoughts and fears. As for the compulsive vows, do you think maybe you are using that to try to find out what you are supposed to do or to set a course for your life because you are afraid to actually do what you want to for your life? ( out of fear that it will displease God or break some Vow that you worry you might have made) I have had all those same test OCD vows, like : If i can carry this cup of water across the room without spilling it, I don't have to do X" or if i spill it " I vow X"

The cursing is very normal too, it is a compulsion. I had thoughts that were bad toward God so I used to curse my self instead, but once again it was a mental issue, not spiritual. The two must be separated.

Thank you so much No, I'm not scared to actually do what I want for my life because I know that God made all things originally good. God created the bearing of children, He created good food, and all those things; so I know that He is not against it-- He actually calls us to enjoy all these things with thanksgiving. I'm not against it at all; I desire those things but I'm afraid that OCD will take over and trick me into making them or I'll despair (which I do a lot ugh) and make them because I feel like life just isn't worth living or just because of despair sake or something like that or because of my weird maybe real desire to take risks? I do feel my character going down the drain; haha the only thing I perhaps do have by God's grace is perseverance. I curse telling my self that I haven't made a vow-- not sure if that's a compulsion. I think it's a little or a lot spiritual actually because I do have a choice on whether a curse or not but I feel so angry that I do it in my head. Also, you're totally right-- OCD attacks what we fear might happen.

 

[~Ivy~]

Ivy,

I really do not think this is a spiritual issue. I completely understand feeling rebellious it is not an easy thing to do or life to live to have all these OCD thoughts and fears. As for the compulsive vows, do you think maybe you are using that to try to find out what you are supposed to do or to set a course for your life because you are afraid to actually do what you want to for your life? ( out of fear that it will displease God or break some Vow that you worry you might have made) I have had all those same test OCD vows, like : If i can carry this cup of water across the room without spilling it, I don't have to do X" or if i spill it " I vow X"

The cursing is very normal too, it is a compulsion. I had thoughts that were bad toward God so I used to curse my self instead, but once again it was a mental issue, not spiritual. The two must be separated.

Also, I sometimes do have bad thoughts about God and that's not OCD. I'm just angry and bitter sometimes But I still trust Him and I have to keep choosing to too.

 

[Mari17]

Also, I sometimes do have bad thoughts about God and that's not OCD. I'm just angry and bitter sometimes But I still trust Him and I have to keep choosing to too.

Ivy, you remind me a lot of myself during my latest obsession. I think OCD gets us so discouraged and so entwined in our thoughts that we don't really know what to think anymore, and it also makes us feel like we're angry at God because we have a distorted view of what following Him means - we've made it into a huge, bad, scary thing. You know the truth, deep down - that God has given us good gifts, that you desire to enjoy them, etc. The fear that you won't be able to is OCD. I think your OCD is really confusing you right now. Do your best to keep treating your OCD as OCD. I think you will find that as you slowly pull out of this obsession, your mind will clear and you'll be able to differentiate what are your real thoughts/desires and what are OCD's. Are you being consistent with ignoring the anxious thoughts and refusing compulsions?

 

[~Ivy~]

Ivy, you remind me a lot of myself during my latest obsession. I think OCD gets us so discouraged and so entwined in our thoughts that we don't really know what to think anymore, and it also makes us feel like we're angry at God because we have a distorted view of what following Him means - we've made it into a huge, bad, scary thing. You know the truth, deep down - that God has given us good gifts, that you desire to enjoy them, etc. The fear that you won't be able to is OCD. I think your OCD is really confusing you right now. Do your best to keep treating your OCD as OCD. I think you will find that as you slowly pull out of this obsession, your mind will clear and you'll be able to differentiate what are your real thoughts/desires and what are OCD's. Are you being consistent with ignoring the anxious thoughts and refusing compulsions?

I am not because now I feel like or my OCD tells me I should make a risk and vow for risk's sake. I should "live in the moment" because I've been fearing it for so long and i should have freedom and just vow it. Aghhhhh. Maybe I do want have freedom and I've had the chains of OCD so long but I know that I would just regret it in the long run and every time i laugh or something i would have that vow upon my conscience. I tell myself hey that's not freedom you would be putting a law upon yourself. But OCD keeps telling me I should and I'm scared that I'm going to make it ugh. I should just ignore the feeling that I want to? I feel like I'm going to I feel like part of me wants to just do it and just not care and the other part is like NO you will regret it so much. The world tells us to live in the moment and just do it but I know I shouldn't listen to the world.

 

[~Ivy~]

It feels so real. Like I don't care about myself anymore or something. And I want to "be free" and take risks and be rebellious because I've always been the "good child". And honestly perhaps these are real desires but also I know that that is all so foolish and I can be free in other ways. I'd regret my entire life honestly. And yeah maybe I want to know what it feels like to run away and take risks but maybe in more of a fantasy sense. Idk. Maybe it's cause I'm a teen lol. I've never been this way. I feel changed because of OCD. All I know is that yes, these desires seem fun and real and like an adventure but they are not good at all. I just don't know if or when I'm going to give into those desires as far as vows or something. This doesn't feel like just OCD anymore it feels like sin and OCD

 

[~Ivy~]

So, I was trying to ignore and eat goldfish; and then I started fearing that I would vow because of rebellion's sake but I forced down another piece of goldfish and then either I had a thought that okay so you ate that piece of goldfish so if you "vowed" something for rebellion's sake then these following goldfish aren't going to matter as in I can eat the goldfish even with the rebellious fear in my head because I already "vowed" it. Or I said or was scared I actually meant that because I "vowed" It and so now with these next goldfish I can actually vow it because i already "vowed" It which wouldn't make sense but I had so much anxiety so yeah maybe I was illogical. Idk which one because I had so much anxiety while I was thinking. Anyways I might've vowed with the next piece of goldfish that I would not laugh or something and I'm depressed about it.

 

[Mari17]

All right, so let's say you did vow to not laugh anymore. Do you think you should just stop laughing from now on?

 

[~Ivy~]

All right, so let's say you did vow to not laugh anymore. Do you think you should just stop laughing from now on?

Well, I cleared it up; You can't make a vow unconsciously or vow something that you didn't know you were vowing to--that's an accident. But even if I did-- I just don't think I could stop laughing. And I look back and they don't seem like vows anymore. Also update-- yesterday was probably one of the worse days as far as OCD goes I literally would try to ignore the thoughts but there was so much anxiety that I really couldn't and all the false feeling and stuff felt so real and incapacitated me --I just sat a chair for at least an hour and I didn't touch my phone for an hour or so and a lot of other things, also I was super depressed and stuff. But last night, God took a lot of the anxiety away or something because I can ignore the thoughts pretty well. It's the best

 

[christianforumsuser]

Please find remission of sin for the center of your heart
As western medicine addresses symptoms by isolated drugs or bandages or even surgery, eastern med and nutrition does some things for balance and other things.
But the Word of God is very important for you.
I could say something that would hopefully make you smile or feel better but I'd like to enjoy the privilege of helping in a much deeper and truer way than that of carnal flesh. It's written that to Him a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years like a day. But without context this isn't much use to you. God has done so much for us and you really need to find the way to learn and believe. If you're having problems and sin, you should do more and have more than apply the usual daily sacrifices.
You need to learn about the sacrificial system of the Old Testament and the passing of sin onto the Lamb. What use is dressing as a nun

 

[Mari17]

Well, I cleared it up; You can't make a vow unconsciously or vow something that you didn't know you were vowing to--that's an accident. But even if I did-- I just don't think I could stop laughing. And I look back and they don't seem like vows anymore. Also update-- yesterday was probably one of the worse days as far as OCD goes I literally would try to ignore the thoughts but there was so much anxiety that I really couldn't and all the false feeling and stuff felt so real and incapacitated me --I just sat a chair for at least an hour and I didn't touch my phone for an hour or so and a lot of other things, also I was super depressed and stuff. But last night, God took a lot of the anxiety away or something because I can ignore the thoughts pretty well. It's the best

Glad to hear it! There will be ups and downs with OCD, but when it attacks you, keep treating it as OCD!

 

[~Ivy~]

Hey so I feel like I have almost no free will. The OCD is pressing so much that it's like you're bound to fail at some time. I'm trying to ignore but I have so much anxiety again it's really hard. It's like it presses on you and tempts you to take a risk like I said and I think it is me not OCD or a mix. Like I fight it and fight it but it's constantly there and it's like no or very little free will-- I think I have vowed a lot of things. Like it will want to "test my intelligence" and stuff and I have given in because I think that oh I've gotten this chemistry problem right so I think I'll be okay making this vow. And it's my free will perhaps but it's so hard it's a constant battle. And I've failed.

 

[christianforumsuser]

If people realized themselves as desperate sinners destined for hell they might repent
In this life everyone faces some problems
Hopefully people would be spiritually minded and truly see what Scripture says, else they might keep trying to put makeup on and act nice and smile and be happy carnally apart from what God wants people to know and believe.

 

[Mari17]

Hey so I feel like I have almost no free will. The OCD is pressing so much that it's like you're bound to fail at some time. I'm trying to ignore but I have so much anxiety again it's really hard. It's like it presses on you and tempts you to take a risk like I said and I think it is me not OCD or a mix. Like I fight it and fight it but it's constantly there and it's like no or very little free will-- I think I have vowed a lot of things. Like it will want to "test my intelligence" and stuff and I have given in because I think that oh I've gotten this chemistry problem right so I think I'll be okay making this vow. And it's my free will perhaps but it's so hard it's a constant battle. And I've failed.

Hi Ivy, it's a little hard for me to untangle your question from your post. What is it that you're afraid you're going to do? Make a vow? Or you're afraid you have? OCD is a champion at making us confused, so I'm not surprised that you feel that way. It sounds like you're afraid that your OCD is making vows for you against your will?

 

[~Ivy~]

Hi Ivy, it's a little hard for me to untangle your question from your post. What is it that you're afraid you're going to do? Make a vow? Or you're afraid you have? OCD is a champion at making us confused, so I'm not surprised that you feel that way. It sounds like you're afraid that your OCD is making vows for you against your will?

No, I'm afraid I'm actually making vows now because my OCD wants me to take risks and it says stuff like, If you get this next problem right then you don't have to make a vow. But if you don't get this problem right then you will make that vow. So I do have some pride in my intelligence so I think OCD is taking advantage of that and the feeling that I want to is SUPER strong and so I have given in a few times and that makes me sad. Also, OCD doesn't even sometimes say the if then statements it's just a thought with no words and it's so constant especially when you have anxiety and stuff. Then it gets more real and worse. Also, I felt so depressed last night and the OCD made me feel happier but that might just be anxiety too and it also felt fake. Like I don't want to feel happy with OCD and I know that I'm really not. And also, I felt and feel so confused sometimes again lol cause it's making me feel like I want to do all these things and vow. And I also feel like when an idea pops into my head I AUTOMATICALLY sometimes agree with it like my heart or OCD or mind agrees and I feel it but I don't want to also do that's confusing. It's like and extremely strong temptation that makes you fail after awhile. It's only a matter of time before I fail again. And when I feel that I want to vow or be something or do something really strongly I fear that I am going to it and then I get super anxiety ridden. But I'm definitely doing better at ignoring I think. Still failing a lot haha it's a work in progress. I usually "give in" when I think that I got a problem right completely or something and my brain is like hey it's not a risk anymore give in. And it's such a strong temptation I don't give in really often but it's happening at least one time a day now which is badddd. So I think and kinda know that I've made a vow. But Idk if they count completely either.

 

[christianforumsuser]

I'm not a doctor and haven't learned Scripture enough to say much more than suggest really getting on the right path....getting the right heart
Of course symptoms can be treated too

 

[~Ivy~]

Also, I'm not naturally a risk taker but maybe I've changed since OCC