I messed up

[Mountainmanbob]

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.

I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.

I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

If church is too noisy for you it might be a good idea to watch as many of this gentleman's sermons as possible he covers so many subjects in a profound manner.
M-Bob

 

[joshua 1 9]

I certainly don't want any more suffering on top of what I already suffer.

Maybe you would if you saw the reward for your suffering. We have a choice, grumbling and complaining or praise and thanksgiving. We know that God wants us to give Him thanks. We know that His Grace is greater, His comfort goes beyond. He tells us that all things work together for good. Everything He does in our life is a reflection of His love for us and His desire for us to have the very best. Paul tells us: "the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us." Romans 8:18. We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose.

 

[Peggylynn]

Dear Derpytia,
You said, (I don't know how to work all this yet, so I just copied it )"I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him." The prodigal son may not have said "I hate you," to his father, but he abandoned him. The father ran to him, forgave him. In a heartbeat. For always. When a little child screams, "I hate you!" to its mother, we forgive that child. Why? Because she is my child. The force of our love is stronger than our child's angry words. Same way with God.
Sometimes, when I think about God's silence and how I haven't felt His Presence for so long, I think about the time when most of Jesus's disciples left him and turned back. He asked the twelve if they would leave too, and Peter said, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." If I never sense His presence again, I still have the Scriptures that never change, that tell me that Jesus is the way, truth, and life. I'll know His love through the words of this Book that has been validated as true through evidence.
God is not capricious or vindictive, loving us one day and hating us the next. His love is steadfast, never changing, the same yesterday, today, and forever. The Bible says, when my mother and father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up. His plans are for good, and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Hope! All these people speaking to you are speaking truth, and have good things to offer to help you.
I do not attend any traditional type Bible studies either, and while we do gain from hearing others' viewpoints about a topic, I listen online to teachers including Tommy Nelson (Denton Bible Church) Ravi Zacharias, Bill Johnson (Bethel) and just in the past few days- Tim Keller. I listen to him by the hour now. You are loved by God, made by Him, and the Bible says that He dances and sings over you. He knows your name. My daughter, 25, had chronic health issues, attempted suicide in high school, cut herself, and acted out the "misery of being me," in other destructive ways. But, God carries her, and she knows it. He is close to the brokenhearted, doesn't break the weak reed or snuff out the smoldering wick. You can't mess up enough for God to not love you. He is Love. You can't do anything to make Him love you less or more. When you can't hang on anymore, fall into His everlasting arms, He truly is keeping you. I look at other people whose marriages and families and jobs and everything else look so wonderful, and I feel sorry for myself. But Tim Keller said, when those things are taken away, what do you have left? I read about the persecuted church around the world, and how their family members are killed, their jobs and homes taken, they are booted out of their families and villages, yet, if we asked them if they have the favor of God, what would they say? Yes! Because they have Christ. I believe that by the very act of you reaching out to others, that people will start praying for you. Jesus loves you. He truly does.

 

[CodyFaith]

Whenever I see you post all I ever see is one big and wide open caring heart and a genuine person.

If I can see that, a sinful human who Jesus says this of:
Matthew 7:11
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Then how much more does God see of you. How much more does the One who knows every hair on your head care for everything you are.

Trust God. He loves you to pieces. As for people who have everything in life... remember the beggar Lazarus. He had nothing and begged for crumbs from the rich man's table in this life... and yet he is now on Abraham's chest resting, and has eternal life and is in Paradise forever. I'm not saying your life will only ever be suffering like Lazarus's was... and even Lazarus I'm sure experienced beauty here... but just know that for every moment we suffer here, the bread in heaven will taste all the more sweeter. And I'm not talking about actual bread, but I think you know what I mean.

God has plans for you here. He has your whole life planned out. I have suffered at extreme lengths and intensely too... but I've also experienced God's grace in amazing ways, and I know my suffering has had purpose. Yours has too, so just stay close to God because he won't fail you.

 

[Richard12789]

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.

I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.

I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.

I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.

I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

 

[Richard12789]

Well I am sorry you are not feeling well. This is why I joined here after 15 years becoming Christian and choosing to not be a part of organized religion. My childhood and youth made no sense to me on so many levels. I then turned 18 and that ended with me nearly dead. Then slammed in the mental health system for 15.5 years on a medicine that was slowly killing me. My family watching it everyday. I moved countries to avoid having it out with these people to stop the medicine. Then I got slammed within 30 days of giving up a free house for life back on the same medicine in my new country for nearly nine years. I was redefining happiness on the month sometimes and 5 months ago, I stopped waiting on it. I couldn't understand why? I mean why? Am I not a person too? I have never had a speeding ticket as an adult. I felt like a monster. 14 years and 9 months, that is how long I waited to put my foot down, raise my voice, go against the doctors. I am so glad I did what I did. I met a man who put trust into the system and others to make him happy. He is about 80 and waiting still. I caught it, but only just. Here is what is starting to sort it out for me. It will probably make you angry as it did for me. I dropped it though, all of it, and I was so happy at one point, they diagnosed me as bi polar with straight mania. I was like whatever can I be diagnosed as rich, good looking, great at music, and maybe if you have time, smart. Don't worry I worked for 15.5 years to get to happy, that was the goal, I won't let them give me the sad pill. Literally the logic. If you can run in society you are considered normal, no one is normal, and most people aren't happy in society. The mental health community isn't really happy. Just getting shifted to another similar bracket. Ok well I wrote this short thing that helped me out. I wasn't sure I could find something that worked for me. I have for now.

 

[Tom34]

If God hates you, don't follow that God. No one should follow that God that hates people.

I've been in a situation where I don't think God accepts me as I sin continually. And reading these verses makes me even think to leave God even more:

• Revelation 3:15-17 I know thy works, that thou art neither cold nor hot: I would thou wert cold or hot. So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spue thee out of my mouth. Because thou sayest, I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing; and knowest not that thou art wretched, and miserable, and poor, and blind, and naked
• Matthew 6:24 No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.

Then, I choose the world. In my mind, "Let me just taste the world and all the fun in it. Hell fire? I'm gonna face it anyway!. So, why bother with it"

The image of God punishing people with fire make me give up on God.

But...

That is not the God of the Bible.

The God of the Bible understand that human are easily tempted, so Jesus came to the world to be Human and tempted in every way possible and live a perfect life. That's the best thing God can do to prove that He knows what we are facing. His love is endless. Read these verses:

• Ezekiel 18:32 For I have no pleasure in the death of him that dieth, saith the Lord GOD: wherefore turn yourselves, and live ye.
• Ezekiel 33:11 Say unto them, As I live, saith the Lord GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live: turn ye, turn ye from your evil ways; for why will ye die, O house of Israel?

And there are many more. I brought these up because these are spoken together with the warnings of the destruction of Jerusalem. Even to destroy, God gives us infinite time to change. I trembled when I read them. I have the wrong picture of God all this time! God is love.

Think of Noah's day. Preaching 120 years. Think of the Israelites journey. Myriad of miracles shown. Think of Sodom, how Abraham negotiate with God. Think of Judas. Jesus gives him hints that he knows what he is planning to do.

The God that we serve is God of Love. He is like the father who is looking from afar of for his Son and kill a fatted calf for the celebration. Do not worry of the thoughts that God will not accepts you because that far from God. Heaven will rejoice for one soul that call upon God.

Cheers.

 

[Danielwright2311]

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.

I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.

I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

The most well-known people in history have had hard lives and messed up marriages and health issues or mental problems, God choose them they did not choose God.

 

[Richard12789]

The most well-known people in history have had hard lives and messed up marriages and health issues or mental problems, God choose them they did not choose God.

Yep that is how I feel mate. I don't know why, I grew up atheist was super into the Beatles peace and love, then at 18 just saw something I couldn't unsee in life, and now it is there for me. I went three years or so getting my degree thinking yep just about to walk out of this...oh dear the things we tell ourselves! Another reason I found happiness on my own. Good advice Daniel!

 

[fat wee robin]

Well I am sorry you are not feeling well. This is why I joined here after 15 years becoming Christian and choosing to not be a part of organized religion. My childhood and youth made no sense to me on so many levels. I then turned 18 and that ended with me nearly dead. Then slammed in the mental health system for 15.5 years on a medicine that was slowly killing me. My family watching it everyday. I moved countries to avoid having it out with these people to stop the medicine. Then I got slammed within 30 days of giving up a free house for life back on the same medicine in my new country for nearly nine years. I was redefining happiness on the month sometimes and 5 months ago, I stopped waiting on it. I couldn't understand why? I mean why? Am I not a person too? I have never had a speeding ticket as an adult. I felt like a monster. 14 years and 9 months, that is how long I waited to put my foot down, raise my voice, go against the doctors. I am so glad I did what I did. I met a man who put trust into the system and others to make him happy. He is about 80 and waiting still. I caught it, but only just. Here is what is starting to sort it out for me. It will probably make you angry as it did for me. I dropped it though, all of it, and I was so happy at one point, they diagnosed me as bi polar with straight mania. I was like whatever can I be diagnosed as rich, good looking, great at music, and maybe if you have time, smart. Don't worry I worked for 15.5 years to get to happy, that was the goal, I won't let them give me the sad pill. Literally the logic. If you can run in society you are considered normal, no one is normal, and most people aren't happy in society. The mental health community isn't really happy. Just getting shifted to another similar bracket. Ok well I wrote this short thing that helped me out. I wasn't sure I could find something that worked for me. I have for now.

I hope more people will put their foot down .I did too ,and got better ,with the love and support of Jesus ,and God's good healthy médicine ,healthy food ,and herbs , and of course daily prayer and thanks .
Takes time and faith ,but as soon as you go in the direction of the Light ,while the path may be long, it gets brighter and brighter, if you hold on .

 

[Bobber]

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I think God understand all this and can forgive you.

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father.

Well look. This might be an encouragement to you. Over 20 years ago with one of my daughters we were having a discipline problem. Can't even remember what it was about but she ran out of the house saying, "I hate you!" Well that hurt me and made me most sad. I went out for a walk and while doing so if I might say I had somewhat of a vision. In my country we have a dollar coin, called a Loony and I saw in my spirit an image of the coin.

I felt God said to me then, "If you had a Loony for every time a young person said to their parents I hate you how much money do you think you'd have?" Well I thought, "I'd be super rich!" In other words God was saying, Be encouraged something like may happen where a kid might say something like this. Just keep being a good parent and have her best interests at heart and things will change." My depression broke and I had joy and peace once again and by the way this daughter of mine we've had a super great relationship for all these 20 years afterwards.

I've said all that to say this. So you blurted out to God you hate him. Look he does understand the idea of not always taking our failures like this too seriously. He understands and is patient and long suffering and still wants to be an encouragement to you and be your loving Heavenly Father. Always remember too....the Bible says he forgives our sins and will wash us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness with his precious blood. In closing you'd forgive your child if they said something like this to you wouldn't you? How much more will God?

"So if you who are evil know how to give good gifts (or do good things) to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!" Matt 7: 12

Take heart and be encouraged!

 

[Jacaroo]

I want to encourage you on so many levels and I think several have already said some great things.

I want to comment on the Prodigal Son topic--- the prodigal son did in fact communicate that he hated his father by asking that his father give him his inheritance early. Basically, he was saying "Dad, I wish you were dead, so I can have your money. I want to spend it on what I desire and I no longer want to be in your presence and I am ready for your death. " So, maybe if you reread that story again, you will see how God is patient with us even as we reject him and proclaim (actions and words) that we no longer want him in our lives . The father lovingly waited for the son to return just as our father does. Our father never wishes anyone to perish, so I can tell you with 100% certainty that you can always repent (turn from the direction you are going) and instead run to Him. You can trust him to use all the disappointments and all the suffering for your good. This good that I speak about is something far greater than gold, possessions, and circumstances. He loves us far more than to want us to be satisfied with these types of things. Our Father knows that He is our only HOPE and ROCK and therefore uses circumstances to show us this truth.

I'd also like to share that I too once felt betrayed by God and I allowed myself to think that difficulty meant God didn't love me as he did others (similar to losing favor with God). I realized through studying scripture and getting godly counsel that God is more interested in transforming me than in giving me temporary comfort (aka comfort in this lifetime). Although even as I say that, God does give us comfort through our difficulty and he promises to never leave us or forsake us. One of the biggest truths for a Believer is that God is transforming us and making us ready for the next life--- often called sanctification. So you can even study this term in the Bible and look for all kind of references to sanctification. It encourages me. This is the BIG PLAN!!! It's out of God's love and provision for you! He gave us Jesus, will he not give us all things? Romans 8:32 "He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all--- how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?"
That does involve suffering to remove our temporary blinders. I agree with your comment about looking to Paul or even Jesus. God loved Jesus so much, yet knew his suffering was temporary and had a much bigger plan that includes ALL OF US.

We must be careful that we are not seeking to find our life here. "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." Matthew 10:39

Even though you cannot go to church, pray and ask God how he can help you remove excuses that keep you from doing what you CAN do. I say this out of love as people have told me this same thing. What can I do to follow God? What ways can I refuse to keep saying excuses to do ______ and do _______. There are many great websites and I highly recommend "Desiring God" website for teaching and encouragement. When you say "most" small groups meet when you can't, which ones do meet when you can? You only need one. Maybe you start one? Pray and ask God how to direct you and draw you into a closer relationship with Him. He is always there waiting for us to come home.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

That's what I'm afraid of What if He says my purpose is to suffer and then die? I doubt He has anything grand or nice in store for me. I mean, look at what He had in mind for Paul. I know it's worldly to want good and miraculous things to happen but I certainly don't want any more suffering on top of what I already suffer. But if God decides that I should have more suffering then there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I honestly feel the same way.

However I do realize we're all individuals....
So not everyone will have a miraculously life... Which is why sometimes I think God is okay with some people just reading, praying and going to church.... I don't think he requires much of some people.