I messed up

[derpytia]

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.

I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.

I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

For what it’s worth, I don’t believe God hates you. I don’t believe God hates anyone. Their sins maybe. Them not believing. But not them as people.

Is it at all possible to join a really small study group or something? Maybe reach out to local churches and ask if they have any really small ones?

 

[derpytia]

For what it’s worth, I don’t believe God hates you. I don’t believe God hates anyone. Their sins maybe. Them not believing. But not them as people.

Is it at all possible to join a really small study group or something? Maybe reach out to local churches and ask if they have any really small ones?

I would love to but most study groups meet when I have work and I wouldn't be able to attend regularly because my work schedule is never the exact same every week.

 

[Sabertooth]

I am handicapped (but not disabled). I have been sexually molested by a step-parent and bullied in school and work. Some of my children are involved in distributing illicit drugs. My marriage has been sexless for the last twelve years. (My wife got depressed when I called my kids on their drug involvement, which she [refuses to] see.*) And I have two autistic kids with severe co-morbid conditions.

Without Jesus, that would be ALL that I have.

Everything in this world, is dark, dirty and corrupt. (It ALL has a down side.) Before Jesus, so was I. The consequences of my own sins added even more troubles to my life.

WITH Jesus, I have His love, joy, peace, forgiveness, deliverance, stamina, wisdom, power and Holy Spirit to help me navigate these treacherous waters, and put them into perspective.

Jesus said [in John 16:33],

"In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

And in Matthew 16:25,

“For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it."

I am presently without a church, too. (My autistic 24yo daughter [mental age = 18mos.] randomly bites people.)

For the noise in church, have you considered noise-cancelling headphones, or seeking out a church for the deaf?

*Confirmed by the police.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

I don’t know if there are any online groups that use something like Skype to meet. The advantage to that would be that you can control things like volume to enable you to participate and as long as they speak the same language it could even be in another country to help with the time difference. I’m sure they’d be forgiving of times you couldn’t join them because of work, it’s very different to not being bothered to join in, and these days people are realistic about the fact no matter how committed to things you are, you still need to work to buy food, pay rent etc. I don’t know if such a thing exists or how easy it is to do but it would be awesome if it did

 

[Lost4words]

Wear earplugs in church. I understand about the noise. My church is the same. People come just to gossip etc. So annoying.

 

[derpytia]

Wear earplugs in church. I understand about the noise. My church is the same. People come just to gossip etc. So annoying.

I've tried that. I have hyperacusis so even low sounds bother me and ramp up my tinnitus. Even in the cry room where there is volume control (and I can't be in that room when there are crying babies during service). How do I explain it...?

Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? It's like that but with ear pain, tinnitus levels, and energy all combined into one. Even just four hours of work (I work part time) can leave me basically bedridden in my room for the rest of the day. And even when I'm resting in my bed it's agony to deal with.

 

[Sabertooth]

unplanned,...

No one is unplanned.

 

[derpytia]

I don’t know if there are any online groups that use something like Skype to meet. The advantage to that would be that you can control things like volume to enable you to participate and as long as they speak the same language it could even be in another country to help with the time difference. I’m sure they’d be forgiving of times you couldn’t join them because of work, it’s very different to not being bothered to join in, and these days people are realistic about the fact no matter how committed to things you are, you still need to work to buy food, pay rent etc. I don’t know if such a thing exists or how easy it is to do but it would be awesome if it did

It's not that I don't think people would be unforgiving of my spotty attendance. It's that most bible study groups or meetings need to be attended as often as possible so people don't lose place in whatever lessons are being taught or materials discussed in order to get the full benefit. It's discouraging to leave off one place and then come back weeks or months later when I have time only to discover that the topic has changed entirely.

 

[derpytia]

No one is unplanned.

Maybe not unplanned by God but certainly unplanned and unwanted by my parents (and lied to about it for years). That fact still hurts. It won't ever change and I should "man up" and just get over it. But here we are

 

[Sabertooth]

Maybe not unplanned by God but certainly unplanned and unwanted by my parents (and lied to about it for years).

So look to Him, not them, for your purpose, then.

 

[derpytia]

So look to Him, not them, for your purpose, then.

That's what I'm afraid of What if He says my purpose is to suffer and then die? I doubt He has anything grand or nice in store for me. I mean, look at what He had in mind for Paul. I know it's worldly to want good and miraculous things to happen but I certainly don't want any more suffering on top of what I already suffer. But if God decides that I should have more suffering then there's absolutely nothing I can do about that.

 

[whereloveandmercymeet]

It's not that I don't think people would be unforgiving of my spotty attendance. It's that most bible study groups or meetings need to be attended as often as possible so people don't lose place in whatever lessons are being taught or materials discussed in order to get the full benefit. It's discouraging to leave off one place and then come back weeks or months later when I have time only to discover that the topic has changed entirely.

I don’t know if any record the sessions so you can at least keep up on your own time. For certain groups at my church (where all attendees happily consent) the recordings are available to those who miss sessions or for independent study. Again I don’t even know if these exist.

I wonder if you could start a group here? I get that it’s not the same as in person but it might be an option? I do not claim to be in any way educated or experienced in ministry but maybe making it topic based rather than book based makes it easier to do with putting down and picking up. The members of the group could also choose topics they really feel they’d benefit from studying (obviously you benefit from studying everything but maybe more what I mean is something they are really struggling with at the present). Someone with knowledge and experience could collate a kind of prep document with the topic, related readings and points to consider or using a published study guide written by someone that the group agrees on and then either a thread could be created for all to discuss or a Skype chat or call, depends on who was in the group and what they wanted. Whether live or for people to come back to in their own time and whether you then close the topic and use for reference or keep going until everyone in the group feels the topic has been covered. You can create the setup and tweak to the members.

As I say, I make no claims to be any good at this and have no real idea how to do it or how it’d work or even if it would work for you but it’s an idea I had

 

[gym_class_hero]

God bless you Derp.

 

[Lost4words]

I've tried that. I have hyperacusis so even low sounds bother me and ramp up my tinnitus. Even in the cry room where there is volume control (and I can't be in that room when there are crying babies during service). How do I explain it...?

Have you heard of the Spoon Theory? It's like that but with ear pain, tinnitus levels, and energy all combined into one. Even just four hours of work (I work part time) can leave me basically bedridden in my room for the rest of the day. And even when I'm resting in my bed it's agony to deal with.

I have loud tinnitus. Can hear it above a lot of noise. Learnt to live with it. Treat it as my buddy now! Lol

 

[FutureAndAHope]

I was hot with hate for God not too long ago and wanted nothing to do with Him (even though somehow I still loved Him and wanted His help at the same time).

I really really messed up. I'm probably worse than the prodigal son because at least the prodigal son didn't say he hated his father. I don't even know where to begin with apologizing to God because I'm still in a place of distrust. It calls to mind the phrase "Let go and let God" but I can't really let myself do that either. I feel like if I trust God He'll let me down and everything will get worse and He'll do nothing to really help.

I can't attend church because the noise level of even the quietest churches hurts my ears. So I have a hard time finding fellowship with other Christians in my area. I can't really be around more than 2 people at a time and even then it's hard if people speak too loud.

I know my condition will never get better and only worse and I'm just worried that God isn't going to be enough when that happens. All the grace in the world won't help when every day will become agony and I'll want nothing but death. I'm almost to that point on a daily basis as it is.

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

I know I need to get back on track but I don't even know where to start with my trust issues. I can't talk to God about them because He knows it already and probably hates me for not trusting Him. People will always say that God loves you but I never really feel like or see that He does love me. I wish God would validate His love for me in the way that He does for other people (blessing them throughout their life and/or coming to them in dreams or speaking audibly through the Holy Spirit).

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

I was once in a similar situation to you. I felt like God hated me. I felt like I was destined for hell. This caused me to react in hatred for God. My life was at the time a series of failures, I could not work, I could not form lasting relationships. I felt I would never be married, or never be fit for it. However over time God kept reaching out to me, and has assurance grew in me. Now some years ahead I am happily married, have a great job, and all is good for me. Don't let your current circumstance dictate to you, I am sure God has good plans for you.

 

[sea5763]

Just pray to God about your distrust and past feelings of hate and talk to Him about it. He already knows anyways so it would be good to talk to Him about it and ask for His help. John the Baptist was considered the greatest man that ever lived Matthew 11:11 and he was living in the wilderness eating bugs and honey and was beheaded. In the beautitudes Matthew 5:1-12 Jesus doesn’t say that only the rich and successful are loved by God. I’m sorry for your suffering I don’t know why it’s happening but Peter said to rejoice in our sufferings Romans 5:3-5 as impossibly hard to do as it might be to do. Paul talks about how he was considered the scum of the earth and was homeless and thirsty and hungry 1 Corinthians 4:8-15.

 

[Sketcher]

I would love to but most study groups meet when I have work and I wouldn't be able to attend regularly because my work schedule is never the exact same every week.

Go when you can.

 

[aiki]

I know what it is to have trust issues when it comes to God. I can tell you that not trusting God is, ultimately, far worse than trusting Him.

As I read your OP, a book by Hannah Hurnard came to mind entitled "Hinds Feet on High Places." I would urge you to obtain a copy - perhaps there's a free online one - and read it. The book, I think, will encourage you. It addresses the issue of trusting God in a very beautiful, sensitive and biblical way. I believe reading the book would do you a lot of good. Anyway, just a thought.

God's priorities for all of His children are eternal in scope. He doesn't have just the here-and-now in mind when He works in your life. In the context of the eternity to come, the few years you spend here on this globe are less than an eyeblink in time. When you have dwelt with God for a few billion years, I suspect you'll wonder why you were so caught up in what happened to you while you were on this side of the grave. But God knows the Big Show, the Main Event, happens after you've left this "mortal coil." And He acts in our lives now in anticipation of this fact. This means, in part, that the temporal stuff with which we get so occupied and find so terribly important just isn't at all important to God. He's hoping, at some point, we'll take His view and value eternal things and stop freaking out about stuff that in the context of eternity just doesn't matter.

Colossians 3:1-2
1 If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God.
2 Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.

Philippians 3:20-21
20 For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ,
21 who will transform our lowly body that it may be conformed to His glorious body, according to the working by which He is able even to subdue all things to Himself.

I think when you have a longer, eternal view of your life, when you start investing yourself in the life that follows the brief one you have on this earth, you'll find that God makes much more sense and is a lot easier to trust.

I'm sorry your hearing is so awful. I have my own physical difficulties. I can choose to resent God for not alleviating my problems and pain but this doesn't do anything to make my problems and pain more bearable. Just the opposite, actually. Letting God support me in my weakness and teach me how to be more like Christ when life sucks is better than turning my back on God and facing life's inevitable misery angry and all alone. Surely, you can see this.

Your trouble is never a waste, it is never useless, if you allow God to use it to conform you to Christ's image (Romans 8:29). More than our comfort, more than our material success, more than our temporal goals and desires, God wants us to be bright shining reflections of Jesus. And He will strip us of these worldly things in an effort to align us with this all-important eternal goal.

 

[Samaritan Woman]

And I don't even know if God really wants to save me anymore. I look at other people who are so very clearly in God's favor (born to two MARRIED parents, had a wonderful childhood, get married to good spouses, work hard and achieve all their goals, are genuinely good and happy people, and never really have any hardships outside of what is normal; all the while they remain steadfast in faith) and I just think that maybe it's a sign that God doesn't favor me and never really will.

What does it mean to be “in God's favor”? I know that people like Joseph Prince and Word of Faith teachers use this expression but I don't see this doctrine in scripture. It only serves to make believers feel guilty or angry at God because they're being “gypped” out of His blessings.

While there are people out there who haven't experienced an inordinate amount of suffering, many people have (like myself). I could write a book about all the garbage I've dealt with (while being bipolar with OCD) but after many years I learned to not pity myself and instead be grateful for the blessings from God. One of the ways I do this is to donate some money every month through World Vision to help people who suffer a lot; such refocusing helps me appreciate what I do have.

I may be 25 years old and an adult but, at the end of the day, I'm still the sad, rejected, sick, unplanned, and not-quite-made-right little girl that wants someone to love and value her and not mistreat her.

I used to think this way but eventually it was time that I became a woman inside and to mature which involved tossing that comfortable victim mentality. While doing so was a gradual process, the eventual outcome has been liberation as I no longer feel trapped nor confined to the past abuse, trauma, and illnesses that used to define my happiness. I am able to support and encourage others in their suffering because I am no longer controlled by mine.