I just really hate this...

[Neostarwcc]

So having a mental illness that causes me to occasionally become a danger to myself and others is an extreme challenge that God has placed on me. The last time I had a psychotic episode I spit out several blasphemous words against God and I believed that I had divine powers and could cleanse hell so that people who had to go there wouldn't suffer. I also lashed out at the nurses and tried to escape from the hospital my wife and family had placed me in. It took about seven nurses to restrain me and get me finally strapped down to a bed so that I wouldn't harm anyone else. It was really scary. Needless to say I had to go to a mental hospital for a week because of that psychotic episode. I had also almost beaten my wife to death. If my dog didn't attack me for attacking my wife I probably would have killed her. I certainly WANTED to kill her because I believed she was the devil.

I hate it when my bipolar and schizophrenic sides mix with each other because usually I am very violent and I just can't really take it anymore. I'm really glad that this current episode that I'm in is only a manic episode and I haven't gotten "bad" yet. So why am I requesting prayers? I don't know. I think that maybe if enough people prayed for me that God will show mercy on me and let me not have mixed episodes anymore. But basically if I have a manic episode I will almost surely have a psychotic one too.

I'm just sick of having to live with my mental illness 2-3 times a year. I'm also sick and tired of the one massive episode every 2 years like clockwork. Its like 90% of my life I'm either in an episode or I'm sleeping all day. I mean what kind of a life is that? It's kinda sad? But I'm mostly just waiting for death. Because when I die I will FINALLY be free of my schizoaffective disorder. I will never be a danger to myself or others again. I will be... FREE! *sigh* but that's at least 20 years away and that would make my wife very unhappy. Howcome in this world nobody ever cares about what YOU want? Its always about what THEY want? I mean everyone wants me to live and suffer. They don't care about how much I'm suffering at all. Its not just my wife and family people on CF want it too. But why? Can't people see that I want to die and be set free?


P.S. I'm not suicidal I don't believe in suicide. I'm just waiting for death and I'm waiting for God to finally decide that it's time for me to be with him.

 

[sea5763]

I have schizoaffective too. But I take the max dose of vraylar a day for psychosis and bupropion for depression. Before the vraylar I took 40 mg a day of abilify when the max dose was supposed to be 30 mg a day. I've been taking my pills every single day for the past six years, and haven't had heard voices since then. I sometimes get filled with i think residuals of paranoia that center around fear of going to hell when I die, but I also go see a psychologist to talk through my problems so that my family doesn't have to hear me talk too much about it, although sometimes I do burden them by talking about my emotional problems.

I haven't heard voices since i went on a high enough dose of antipsychotics. At first 20 mg of abilify was enough to suppress the voices, then i had to up it to 30mg a day to suppress the voices, and then I heard some break through voices a couple of years later so I had to up it to 40 mg a day. I didn't like the side effects of abilify, being that I couldn't get deep sleep even on heavy doses of sleep medication, and I never got a diagnosis for it but I also think I had urinary retention which was very uncomfortable. I lived with the side effects though because its better than psychosis. abilify did still make me hungry, but not as much as respirdal. The longer you are on antipsychotics the more easy it is to not overeat. So far vraylar makes me the least hungry of all of them and I can think of any other side effects on it.

Right now I'm on SSI which fully covers the meds. Ever since taking a high enough dose of meds I haven't had psychosis and only heard a little bit of voices before increasing the dosage. The antipsychotics made me go from 125 pounds to 168 pounds initially, but after staying on them long enough I have managed to get back down to 139 pounds. It's hard and takes self control not to overeat, and I always feel a little hungry after eating a full day's worth of food, but it's worth it to stop hearing voices.

I still sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts and sadness and self loathing from my prior psychosis before I was diagnosed. I didn't attack anyone but I gave my family the cold shoulder and silent treatment and had all these horrible thoughts about everyone because of the voices. It's hard to not struggle with suicidal thoughts when the voices are constantly harrassing you and convincing you that everyone hates you. Even after being on meds i still wanted to die because I realized that once i was recovering from the psychosis how much damage the psychosis had done to my life. I still struggle with the guilt about the evil thoughts I had about others while I was psychotic. But I decided to do something about it. I decided to take the meds every day and it has prevented me so far from going through psychosis again.

Because I took the meds everyday, not only have I been able to reconnect with my family, I have been able to go back to school, volunteer, get a driver's license, join school clubs, transfer to another four year university, and I am now less than a year from graduating with a job lined up in my major. In other words, the meds gave me my life back. Obviously I continue to pray that the meds keep working because I know that the meds don't help everyone, and they could potentially stop working in the future. But if you're willing to accept the side effects and you take a high enough dose, you can severely reduce the number of psychotic episodes in the future that ruin your life. if the meds work well enough, you might even be able to work towards getting a job.

Obviously the meds won't give you a job or other things that you have to work for, but it will at least make it possible if it keeps you from having psychosis all of the time.

 

[Messerve]

Well, as you say, your wife loves you despite your illnesses. Love is only selfish if you are in it for yourself, but I'm sure your wife loves you because you're you - not trying to get anything from you. The things she gets are just an added blessing. People love you for who you are and don't want you to die because they can see past your episodes and see the real you under the surface. And that "You" is very likeable.

It's true they don't understand your suffering and so their desire that you keep living can seem unfair to you. But our weaknesses really can be tools in the hands of God. Here's an article by John Piper about suffering.

Is there any place you can go by yourself during an episode so you don't hurt anyone? Do you have a cabin you can stay at temporarily or something similar? Somewhere people would know where to find you, but you are a safe distance from other people?

 

[Romans 8]

Have you listened to any of Jerry Marzinsky's interviews on schizophrenia? He's a psychotherapist having spent 40 years in the field. It sounds like you need deliverance. One of the falsehoods being taught is that Christians cannot become demonically influenced or oppressed. I would seek out a reputable deliverance minister who can verify any sort of spiritual warfare in your care. God Bless!

Part 2 (I think it's 6 parts)

 

[Neostarwcc]

I have schizoaffective too. But I take the max dose of vraylar a day for psychosis and bupropion for depression. Before the vraylar I took 40 mg a day of abilify when the max dose was supposed to be 30 mg a day. I've been taking my pills every single day for the past six years, and haven't had heard voices since then. I sometimes get filled with i think residuals of paranoia that center around fear of going to hell when I die, but I also go see a psychologist to talk through my problems so that my family doesn't have to hear me talk too much about it, although sometimes I do burden them by talking about my emotional problems.

I haven't heard voices since i went on a high enough dose of antipsychotics. At first 20 mg of abilify was enough to suppress the voices, then i had to up it to 30mg a day to suppress the voices, and then I heard some break through voices a couple of years later so I had to up it to 40 mg a day. I didn't like the side effects of abilify, being that I couldn't get deep sleep even on heavy doses of sleep medication, and I never got a diagnosis for it but I also think I had urinary retention which was very uncomfortable. I lived with the side effects though because its better than psychosis. abilify did still make me hungry, but not as much as respirdal. The longer you are on antipsychotics the more easy it is to not overeat. So far vraylar makes me the least hungry of all of them and I can think of any other side effects on it.

Right now I'm on SSI which fully covers the meds. Ever since taking a high enough dose of meds I haven't had psychosis and only heard a little bit of voices before increasing the dosage. The antipsychotics made me go from 125 pounds to 168 pounds initially, but after staying on them long enough I have managed to get back down to 139 pounds. It's hard and takes self control not to overeat, and I always feel a little hungry after eating a full day's worth of food, but it's worth it to stop hearing voices.

I still sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts and sadness and self loathing from my prior psychosis before I was diagnosed. I didn't attack anyone but I gave my family the cold shoulder and silent treatment and had all these horrible thoughts about everyone because of the voices. It's hard to not struggle with suicidal thoughts when the voices are constantly harrassing you and convincing you that everyone hates you. Even after being on meds i still wanted to die because I realized that once i was recovering from the psychosis how much damage the psychosis had done to my life. I still struggle with the guilt about the evil thoughts I had about others while I was psychotic. But I decided to do something about it. I decided to take the meds every day and it has prevented me so far from going through psychosis again.

Because I took the meds everyday, not only have I been able to reconnect with my family, I have been able to go back to school, volunteer, get a driver's license, join school clubs, transfer to another four year university, and I am now less than a year from graduating with a job lined up in my major. In other words, the meds gave me my life back. Obviously I continue to pray that the meds keep working because I know that the meds don't help everyone, and they could potentially stop working in the future. But if you're willing to accept the side effects and you take a high enough dose, you can severely reduce the number of psychotic episodes in the future that ruin your life. if the meds work well enough, you might even be able to work towards getting a job.

Obviously the meds won't give you a job or other things that you have to work for, but it will at least make it possible if it keeps you from having psychosis all of the time.

My psychiatrist tried me on Vrayar last Spring. It caused the longest episode Ive ever had (it lasted about 5 months) because one of the side effects of Vraylar is insomnia and sure enough it caused insomnia in me. That and this like wickedly bad anxiety that doctors couldn't figure out why I had anxiety every time I tried to sleep. It was pretty bad that doctors had to give me high doses of Ativan to sleep. Just a fun fact though I'm glad Vraylar works for you and for other people. It just definitely didn't work for me. Currently though my psychiatrist is trying me on Latuda. I've been on Latuda for the last week or so and it seems to be semi helpful. Thank you for your kind words and prayers though. Do you mind if I pm you later? I'm currently in the car getting groceries.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Well, as you say, your wife loves you despite your illnesses. Love is only selfish if you are in it for yourself, but I'm sure your wife loves you because you're you - not trying to get anything from you. The things she gets are just an added blessing. People love you for who you are and don't want you to die because they can see past your episodes and see the real you under the surface. And that "You" is very likeable.

It's true they don't understand your suffering and so their desire that you keep living can seem unfair to you. But our weaknesses really can be tools in the hands of God. Here's an article by John Piper about suffering.

Is there any place you can go by yourself during an episode so you don't hurt anyone? Do you have a cabin you can stay at temporarily or something similar? Somewhere people would know where to find you, but you are a safe distance from other people?

I know my wife loves me I love her too. Which is half of why I'm not a suicidal person. No I live alone with my wife in our trailer but during that same episode I was referencing I spent a lot of time at my parents house. I didn't really attack my parents if I remember correctly so maybe I can go there if things get bad. Or I could spend some time in the hospital. Really staying in a mental hospital isn't as bad as people say it is.

 

[maintenance man]

I think that maybe if enough people prayed for me that God will show mercy on me and let me not have mixed episodes anymore.

I'm praying that God releases you completely for your mental illness. You are living a difficult life and I pray you find peace.

 

[sea5763]

My psychiatrist tried me on Vrayar last Spring. It caused the longest episode Ive ever had (it lasted about 5 months) because one of the side effects of Vraylar is insomnia and sure enough it caused insomnia in me. That and this like wickedly bad anxiety that doctors couldn't figure out why I had anxiety every time I tried to sleep. It was pretty bad that doctors had to give me high doses of Ativan to sleep. Just a fun fact though I'm glad Vraylar works for you and for other people. It just definitely didn't work for me. Currently though my psychiatrist is trying me on Latuda. I've been on Latuda for the last week or so and it seems to be semi helpful. Thank you for your kind words and prayers though. Do you mind if I pm you later? I'm currently in the car getting groceries.

Sure you can pm me

 

[Neostarwcc]

I'm praying that God releases you completely for your mental illness. You are living a difficult life and I pray you find peace.

That won't happen its a lifelong illness with no cure. But I'm glad somebody cares enough to pray for complete removal. If only that could happen. *sigh*

 

[Neostarwcc]

Sure you can pm me

Okay ill pm you in a bit.

 

[brinny]

How is your wife, Neo?

Praying for your wife's safety, and thanking God for your dog that prevented you from killing her, and thanking God that she is still living. Praying also for wisdom and discernment for your wife, and for you as well.

(You mentioned your nearly killing your wife, with the full intention of doing so until your dog stopped you, as if it was an "afterthought".)

Praying.

 

[Neostarwcc]

How is your wife, Neo?

Praying for your wife's safety, and thanking God for your dog that prevented you from killing her, and thanking God that she is still living. Praying also for wisdom and discernment for your wife, and for you as well.

(You mentioned your nearly killing your wife, with the full intention of doing so until your dog stopped you, as if it was an "afterthought".)

Praying.

She's fine and isn't in any current danger. This happened a few years ago during my biggest mixed episode ever. Where I basically didn't even know who I was or what was going on. The episode lasted about a month and I had to spend a week in a mental hospital because of it. I brought it up because I'm afraid of it happening again even though I wasn't taking any meds at the time.

Last spring I had homicidal thoughts too during a mixed episode but I was in full control of myself and didn't act on those thoughts. So maybe meds make me in control of myself. Idk only time will tell.

 

[brinny]

She's fine and isn't in any current danger. This happened a few years ago during my biggest mixed episode ever. Where I basically didn't even know who I was or what was going on. The episode lasted about a month and I had to spend a week in a mental hospital because of it. I brought it up because I'm afraid of it happening again even though I wasn't taking any meds at the time.

Last spring I had homicidal thoughts too during a mixed episode but I was in full control of myself and didn't act on those thoughts. So maybe meds make me in control of myself. Idk only time will tell.

The safety and well being of your wife is what should be your "driving force"/motivation to seek whatever help necessary to never subject her to what nearly killed her, ever again.

If you fear it happening again, that is clearly reason to, of your own free will and volition, to remove yourself from your wife and seek intervention.

Praying.

 

[Neostarwcc]

The safety and well being of your wife is what should be your "driving force"/motivation to seek whatever help necessary to never subject her to what nearly killed her, ever again.

If you fear it happening again, that is clearly reason to of your own free will and volition, to remove yourself from your wife and seek intervention.

Praying.

I've suggested to her that if I ever lose control of myself again or attack her or anyone else that I be sent to Utica again. Utica was the hospital I stayed at the last time and the psychiatrist and staff there seem really knowledgeable and helpful. I mean so far I haven't had an episode that bad but there's always the what if? You know? I'm a mentally Ill person with a history of violence so of course if I am ever violent again I should be placed where I cannot hurt anyone else or myself. That's why I don't blame my family for involuntarily sending me to Utica the last time. I mean I was mad at first but I NEEDED to go there you know?

 

[brinny]

I've suggested to her that if I ever lose control of myself again or attack her or anyone else that I be sent to Utica again. Utica was the hospital I stayed at the last time and the psychiatrist and staff there seem really knowledgeable and helpful. I mean so far I haven't had an episode that bad but there's always the what if? You know? I'm a mentally Ill person with a history of violence so of course if I am ever violent again I should be placed where I cannot hurt anyone else or myself. That's why I don't blame my family for involuntarily sending me to Utica the last time. I mean I was mad at first but I NEEDED to go there you know?

Read post #13 again.

Praying.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Read post #13 again.

Praying.

Do you mean go to a mental hospital right now? I doubt Utica would admit me because I'm currently not a danger to myself or others. The last time I was sent there I had to be sent involuntarily because I was violent and not in control of myself. Look just because I'm AFRAID it will happen again doesn't mean that it will. It could be a delusion or false fixed belief. I get a lot of those nearly everyday whether I'm on meds or not.

I know you care about the safety of my wife and myself but no hospital will admit me unless I attack her again or if I lose control of myself again. Which hasn't happened in two years. I know how mental hospitals work. I've been in them enough times. And like I said that episode only started because I didn't take any meds for like 3 years. So it PROBABLY is a delusion that this would ever happen again. Just think about it for a sec though. If you had gotten so bad that you didn't know who you were believed you were basically God and attacked someone wouldn't YOU be afraid of it happening again?

 

[brinny]

Do you mean go to a mental hospital right now? I doubt Utica would admit me because I'm currently not a danger to myself or others. The last time I was sent there I had to be sent involuntarily because I was violent and not in control of myself. Look just because I'm AFRAID it will happen again doesn't mean that it will. It could be a delusion or false fixed belief. I get a lot of those nearly everyday whether I'm on meds or not.

I know you care about the safety of my wife and myself but no hospital will admit me unless I attack her again or if I lose control of myself again. Which hasn't happened in two years. I know how mental hospitals work. I've been in them enough times. And like I said that episode only started because I didn't take any meds for like 3 years. So it PROBABLY is a delusion that this would ever happen again. Just think about it for a sec though. If you had gotten so bad that you didn't know who you were believed you were basically God and attacked someone wouldn't YOU be afraid of it happening again?

I would do what i needed to see that it never happened again, including initiating a "safe plan" for your wife and yourself AHEAD of time. It's like "insurance".

Praying.

 

[Messerve]

Have you listened to any of Jerry Marzinsky's interviews on schizophrenia? He's a psychotherapist having spent 40 years in the field. It sounds like you need deliverance. One of the falsehoods being taught is that Christians cannot become demonically influenced or oppressed. I would seek out a reputable deliverance minister who can verify any sort of spiritual warfare in your care. God Bless!

Part 2 (I think it's 6 parts)

I think the theological debate on demonic possession of Christians has a lot to be figured out yet. I wouldn't call it falsehood to teach that it's not possible for a born again Christian to be possessed.

I took a class and read a book on the subject by a very popular deliverance author and one of my issues was that all the examples they gave of possessed Christians didn't even sound like real Christians once you looked at their lifestyles... The author took many passages out of context or read his own meaning into them and the salvation of his subjects was glossed over and never really made clear.

If our bodies become a temple of the Holy Spirit after our salvation, I find it hard to believe that God will share His temple with a demonic being. The priests of the OT had to go through a strict purification process before even being allowed in the presence of God. So I don't know... It doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not 100% confident of my position on this subject yet, however I see this "warfare" and "Christians can be possessed" teaching spreading very rapidly and it has me concerned that we haven't really studied it in depth and could be calling something "falsehood" which actually isn't.

There are certainly passages on fighting spiritual battles and confronting evil, but I tend to believe that Christians can be oppressed from outside themselves but not possessed from within.

I know people who are very much followers of the deliverance movement and yet they have close relatives with mental and health conditions which have not been resolved as of yet. I'm sure they've been prayed over and the family has rebuked Satan for them, but they remain as they are.

Mental health is a problem that isn't always something spiritual. I'm sure possession could look the same as certain mental conditions. Perhaps demons could take advantage of the illness by confusing you more during an episode when you're at your most vulnerable.

Just some thoughts...

 

[Mydreams]

Lord bless Neostarwcc, and this prayer, in Jesus name, Amen!

 

[Romans 8]

I think the theological debate on demonic possession of Christians has a lot to be figured out yet. I wouldn't call it falsehood to teach that it's not possible for a born again Christian to be possessed.

I took a class and read a book on the subject by a very popular deliverance author and one of my issues was that all the examples they gave of possessed Christians didn't even sound like real Christians once you looked at their lifestyles... The author took many passages out of context or read his own meaning into them and the salvation of his subjects was glossed over and never really made clear.

If our bodies become a temple of the Holy Spirit after our salvation, I find it hard to believe that God will share His temple with a demonic being. The priests of the OT had to go through a strict purification process before even being allowed in the presence of God. So I don't know... It doesn't make sense to me.

I'm not 100% confident of my position on this subject yet, however I see this "warfare" and "Christians can be possessed" teaching spreading very rapidly and it has me concerned that we haven't really studied it in depth and could be calling something "falsehood" which actually isn't.

There are certainly passages on fighting spiritual battles and confronting evil, but I tend to believe that Christians can be oppressed from outside themselves but not possessed from within.

I know people who are very much followers of the deliverance movement and yet they have close relatives with mental and health conditions which have not been resolved as of yet. I'm sure they've been prayed over and the family has rebuked Satan for them, but they remain as they are.

Mental health is a problem that isn't always something spiritual. I'm sure possession could look the same as certain mental conditions. Perhaps demons could take advantage of the illness by confusing you more during an episode when you're at your most vulnerable.

Just some thoughts...

I understand what you're saying. Many share your viewpoint. But this isn't full possession like in the movie "exorcist", it's oppression. I believe this is possible. A reputable deliverance minister can verify demonic possession but needs to be operating in the gift of discerning spirits and the gift of knowledge to know which spirit/s got in, and how it/they got there. Spirits can enter via many avenues such as emotional trauma, abuse, rejection, violence, unforgiveness, occult, addiction, etc.

As for why a demon may not come out, there are many possibilities. There are deliverance ministers with greater faith than other ministers. Even in the Bible they spoke of a stronger demon that the apostles could not expel without fasting. I've read accounts of people fasting and demons were expelled automatically just by the act of fasting. There's also the issue of unforgiveness, in which a demon has a legal right to enter.For example: If one attempts to cast out a demon but fails to forgive someone, that demon has a legal right to stay. This is why the minister needs the gift of knowledge...to know how the demon gained access, and therefore, knows how one can get it out and keep it out.

To believe that a Christian cannot be demon oppressed is a dangerous mistake and exactly what Satan wants you to believe. If you decide to research this subject further, you will find that Christians are actually one of the main targets of demons. The closer you get to God, the more of a target. Jesus gave us power over the demons (through His name) to cast them out, but that doesn't mean we are invincible to them. God Bless!