I Feel Lost and Alone in the Church

[SnowyMacie]

I don't necessarily mean alone in my walk with Christ or alone in general, but more like being in Church is becoming more and more like being in a foreign country.
I had a conversation with a friend a little over a week ago that has really shaken me to my core. He and I come from practically identical backgrounds, and have very similar views on almost everything. This is the same friend I mentioned who has become frustrated and disillusioned with the church for many reasons that I agree with such as inauthenticity, close-mindedness, judgementalness, and hatred. I just can't help but wonder how he's done with the Church and I am not, where is the difference in other words.

I think the difference is that I found the Episocopal Church, but while at the same time I've never quite felt "at-home". While I agree with Anglicanism on many things, I am a theological mutt, I hold beliefs from my Restorationist background to Eastern Orthodoxy, and almost everything in-between.

I do think that I still have many brothers and sisters in Christ, these two things have kind of made me question where it is that I belong and who else is like me in the Church. When I take communion, I feel like I am joining Christ and strangers at the table instead of Christ and friends. The most offline fellowship I've had in the last year is casual conversatioms after service and the few times a year I see my friends.

 

[archer75]

I can't offer any cure-all for this, but it seems that unless you lie to yourself, it's always this way to some degree. I don't think people need to agree (or even have an opinion on) every little thing to have good fellowship together...I'm not saying you have suggested that, but have found myself that sometimes it's possible to find common ground where you wouldn't expect it.

Good luck!

 

[grandvizier1006]

I wish I had some good advice to offer, but quite honestly I'm in a similar predicament. I haven't been to church in months because I can't get up early enough in the morning, and even if I could I don't know anyone there. I'd suggest maybe finding a smaller church with a certain "character" to it--some place where you know you could be honest with people and they would be accepting of you.

 

[Albion]

Without getting too deeply into the matter, I agree with your point that when any congregation doesn't work out there are dozens more if the person will only investigate.

It's frustrating to hear people talk as though they are lonely, unappreciated, or dissatisfied with the pastor or something...but they talk as though their only recourse is to stay at home and feel angry or discouraged.

 

[dzheremi]

To what degree is this a faith problem, and to what degree is this a social problem?

I ask that not to pry (it's more a rhetorical question than anything), but because traditionally Christian fellowship (koinonia) and brotherhood and sisterhood is at the cup, my friend. That's why we call it communion, and do not treat it like a social meal (in most churches, the social aspect of Christian fellowship comes after liturgy entirely; we call it the agape meal, but I think most others probably call it coffee hour or some such). We are not necessarily even expected to have much or anything in common with those around us, spare of course the faith. There have been plenty of times that I have communed with people with whom I would not have even been able to have anything but the most basic conversation (since my Arabic is not great), or even no conversation at all (since I know no Tigrinya or Neo-Aramaic), but these are fellow Christians with whom I profess the same faith.

 

[bekkilyn]

My advice would be service. Instead of concerning yourself with what you are or are not getting from the church, be more concerned with what you are giving. Is your church involved with any projects, local missions, youth groups, or outreaches? Help with one or more of these. Also, join Sunday school classes, bible studies, prayer groups, etc. If all you do is go to the service, chat for a few minutes, and then go home for the week, you are leaving few opportunities for others to share greater fellowship with you.

Maybe it is true that it turns out this particular church isn't a good fit for you, but look inward before looking outward, and of course, talk to God about it above all other things.

 

[archer75]

@TX_Matt , I think there's some good advice on this thread.

If it's primarily social, I really do sympathize. I have always felt like an outsider just about everywhere I go - even when I hear reports that I'm "the life of the party." It's tough to be looking for fellowship and continue to feel that "ughhhhhh, no lunchtable for me" feeling.

Do you feel social anxiety? I don't mean some diagnosable thing -- just, do you feel anxiety in social situations? I did, for the longest time - the most friendly or even neutral approach by a stranger -- or even someone I knew! -- would set off an "oh, NO, not THIS again..." If you feel anything like that at all...you don't have to. I mean, maybe you don't and I'm overreading your OP, in which case, never mind. But if you DO...look into getting some help with that!

 

[SnowyMacie]

To what degree is this a faith problem, and to what degree is this a social problem?

I ask that not to pry (it's more a rhetorical question than anything), but because traditionally Christian fellowship (koinonia) and brotherhood and sisterhood is at the cup, my friend. That's why we call it communion, and do not treat it like a social meal (in most churches, the social aspect of Christian fellowship comes after liturgy entirely; we call it the agape meal, but I think most others probably call it coffee hour or some such). We are not necessarily even expected to have much or anything in common with those around us, spare of course the faith. There have been plenty of times that I have communed with people with whom I would not have even been able to have anything but the most basic conversation (since my Arabic is not great), or even no conversation at all (since I know no Tigrinya or Neo-Aramaic), but these are fellow Christians with whom I profess the same faith.

My advice would be service. Instead of concerning yourself with what you are or are not getting from the church, be more concerned with what you are giving. Is your church involved with any projects, local missions, youth groups, or outreaches? Help with one or more of these. Also, join Sunday school classes, bible studies, prayer groups, etc. If all you do is go to the service, chat for a few minutes, and then go home for the week, you are leaving few opportunities for others to share greater fellowship with you.

Maybe it is true that it turns out this particular church isn't a good fit for you, but look inward before looking outward, and of course, talk to God about it above all other things.

It's not just my specific parish that I feel this way towards, it's the Church as a whole, that's why i capitalized it.

@TX_Matt , I think there's some good advice on this thread.
Do you feel social anxiety? I don't mean some diagnosable thing -- just, do you feel anxiety in social situations? I did, for the longest time - the most friendly or even neutral approach by a stranger -- or even someone I knew! -- would set off an "oh, NO, not THIS again..." If you feel anything like that at all...you don't have to. I mean, maybe you don't and I'm overreading your OP, in which case, never mind. But if you DO...look into getting some help with that!

Not in the slightest. I'm a very outgoing and social person.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Without getting too deeply into the matter, I agree with your point that when any congregation doesn't work out there are dozens more if the person will only investigate.

It's frustrating to hear people talk as though they are lonely, unappreciated, or dissatisfied with the pastor or something...but they talk as though their only recourse is to stay at home and feel angry or discouraged.

Missed your post, sorry, see above.

 

[archer75]

It's not just my specific parish that I feel this way towards, it's the Church as a whole, that's why i capitalized it.

Not in the slightest. I'm a very outgoing and social peraon.

I dunno, then. Best I can say is that...maybe not everyone is called to the same forms of fellowship. I'm sure you can find ways to serve the Church (you're right, I missed your capital) despite these setbacks.

Sounds difficult, though. I sympathize.

 

[dzheremi]

I also missed the wider context of your post. Sorry, TX_Matt.

I suppose all we can do in situations like this is pray. Lord have mercy.

 

[bekkilyn]

Same advice for service still applies though, even if you meant Church instead of church.

 

[SnowyMacie]

Same advice for service still applies though, even if you meant Church instead of church.

I do serve at my church. I am on a committee for the children's and youth ministries, I'm in the choir, will be going with the youth group on their mission trip to Haiti this summer, and am newly in charge of our young adult ministry.

 

[bekkilyn]

I do serve at my church. I am on a committee for the children's and youth ministries, I'm in the choir, will be going with the youth group on their mission trip to Haiti this summer, and am newly in charge of our young adult ministry.

Having noticed your marital status, I'm now wondering if part of the issue could be that you are single. Not that I'm suggesting that you need to "hook up" with people in that way, but I've noticed that a lot of people (other than youth) who are church regulars are married couples, usually with children. Married folks tend to socialize more with other married folks, and singles tend to get left out altogether or get into uncomfortable third wheel situations. It may very well be a reason why you may be missing some deeper fellowship with others in this environment. It's not that they necessarily do it intentionally, but people tend to hang out with others who are in similar life situations. Couples find other couples to do things with. (And a reason why people who are suddenly no longer a couple may stop getting invited to places.)

One of the churches I used to go to before I moved out of that area had a singles group. Maybe there's something like that in your area? I never went to the singles group because it met earlier in the morning than I was able to manage at the time, but it seemed to be a pretty popular group.

I'm way off in conjecture-land now, but the above are reasons why some people may feel isolated in a church environment.

Also, if you're mostly working with youth, you may have the problem of rarely having an opportunity for adult interaction because there's always kids around that require your attention. (K-12 teachers often have this issue.) Maybe a small group, adult bible study where you can go more in-depth with discussions would be helpful as a change of pace.

Just a few more things that have come to my mind since you've clarified more about your experiences.

 

[gordonhooker]

When I am feeling alone in the Church I go back to scripture and and slowly read then reflect on 1Cor. 12 the whole chapter.

 

[Paidiske]

I think - especially for those of us who have come into the Church as adults (as I did) or who have moved traditions - it can be very hard to have that feeling of being "at home" that people get when they're in a setting they were raised in. It is similar, to me, to the way I feel about being Australian; although I'm a citizen, I was a migrant, and there are some things that I just don't connect to or "get."

I'm not sure there are easy answers to it. I've learned that for me, being someone who feels on the edge of things can give me the gift of seeing things differently, of being able to offer insight from a different perspective, and that's valuable. I've also learned to just kind of act as if I belong, and find that other people will treat me as if I do, whether I entirely feel that way or not.

One of the great things about being Anglican is that - despite all claims to the contrary - there isn't only one right way to do it. Your way of being Anglican is just as valuable as mine or anyone else's. I wonder, though, whether the feelings of loneliness hint at it being time to shift focus. Are the things you're doing still what you feel you should be doing? Or is it time to change things up a bit, maybe meet some new or different people?

 

[Padres1969]

I think - especially for those of us who have come into the Church as adults (as I did) or who have moved traditions - it can be very hard to have that feeling of being "at home" that people get when they're in a setting they were raised in. It is similar, to me, to the way I feel about being Australian; although I'm a citizen, I was a migrant, and there are some things that I just don't connect to or "get."

I'm not sure there are easy answers to it. I've learned that for me, being someone who feels on the edge of things can give me the gift of seeing things differently, of being able to offer insight from a different perspective, and that's valuable. I've also learned to just kind of act as if I belong, and find that other people will treat me as if I do, whether I entirely feel that way or not.

One of the great things about being Anglican is that - despite all claims to the contrary - there isn't only one right way to do it. Your way of being Anglican is just as valuable as mine or anyone else's. I wonder, though, whether the feelings of loneliness hint at it being time to shift focus. Are the things you're doing still what you feel you should be doing? Or is it time to change things up a bit, maybe meet some new or different people?

Funny to hear you say that. I came to Anglicanism from another tradition (and after a rather roundabout search to get there on top of that) and I've never felt as "at home" in a church as I do in the Episcopal Church.

That said even "at home" there are moments that I still get confused or feel a bit out of place. But that's as much my own moderate social anxiety as it is anything else. But I too have found that the more I feel "out of place" the worse I end up feeling. Almost as if it's a self feeding loop of disconcertion. The moments I'm not feeling out of place, even if I actually am a little out of place in what I do, no one cares. It's been one of my favorite things about Anglicanism. It's much harder to "be out of place" in reality.

 

[everbecoming2007]

I don't necessarily mean alone in my walk with Christ or alone in general, but more like being in Church is becoming more and more like being in a foreign country.
I had a conversation with a friend a little over a week ago that has really shaken me to my core. He and I come from practically identical backgrounds, and have very similar views on almost everything. This is the same friend I mentioned who has become frustrated and disillusioned with the church for many reasons that I agree with such as inauthenticity, close-mindedness, judgementalness, and hatred. I just can't help but wonder how he's done with the Church and I am not, where is the difference in other words.

I think the difference is that I found the Episocopal Church, but while at the same time I've never quite felt "at-home". While I agree with Anglicanism on many things, I am a theological mutt, I hold beliefs from my Restorationist background to Eastern Orthodoxy, and almost everything in-between.

I do think that I still have many brothers and sisters in Christ, these two things have kind of made me question where it is that I belong and who else is like me in the Church. When I take communion, I feel like I am joining Christ and strangers at the table instead of Christ and friends. The most offline fellowship I've had in the last year is casual conversatioms after service and the few times a year I see my friends.

Being something of a theological mutt is not unusual in the Episcopal Church, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

It sounds like you are quite involved in the church, but have you made any friends? You need not know people personally to share the Cup and commune with them, but having even just a few close friends can make the parish a much warmer place. I connect with my friends primarily in a small discussion group, but there is one I often see outside church, and another I have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with. Besides the spiritual reasons it is also these few people that keep me in my parish and deeply grounded in it.

 

[SnowyMacie]

I think - especially for those of us who have come into the Church as adults (as I did) or who have moved traditions - it can be very hard to have that feeling of being "at home" that people get when they're in a setting they were raised in. It is similar, to me, to the way I feel about being Australian; although I'm a citizen, I was a migrant, and there are some things that I just don't connect to or "get."

I'm not sure there are easy answers to it. I've learned that for me, being someone who feels on the edge of things can give me the gift of seeing things differently, of being able to offer insight from a different perspective, and that's valuable. I've also learned to just kind of act as if I belong, and find that other people will treat me as if I do, whether I entirely feel that way or not.

One of the great things about being Anglican is that - despite all claims to the contrary - there isn't only one right way to do it. Your way of being Anglican is just as valuable as mine or anyone else's. I wonder, though, whether the feelings of loneliness hint at it being time to shift focus. Are the things you're doing still what you feel you should be doing? Or is it time to change things up a bit, maybe meet some new or different people?

I think so, I don't know.

Being something of a theological mutt is not unusual in the Episcopal Church, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

It sounds like you are quite involved in the church, but have you made any friends? You need not know people personally to share the Cup and commune with them, but having even just a few close friends can make the parish a much warmer place. I connect with my friends primarily in a small discussion group, but there is one I often see outside church, and another I have celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas with. Besides the spiritual reasons it is also these few people that keep me in my parish and deeply grounded in it.

I have some casual friends at my church sure, but my current situation has always been more temporary than permanent. The friends I have from my parish don't really spend any time outside of church anymore like we used to, and when we did it was usually just once a week. We're all educators and so we don't have a ton of free time, especially August - May.

 

[graceandpeace]

I really wish I knew what to say to help. I've been struggling with my own issues. I can identify readily with reasons why some quit the Church, & at times I also wonder how I've stuck around. I'm trying to get better, to heal from all that has wounded my faith. I'm seeking healing by trying to do more in my local church - in terms of making friends & in ministry. It's tough, but I just keep going. I don't stress anymore about whether or when I pray, or whether I'm doing this or that right. I literally quit caring. Now, I just care about doing my little bit of good - in relationships, etc -and trust that it's enough. Sometimes I do feel alone...but sometimes, that's okay for me. I keep showing up, I keep looking for the little bits of good & thinking about how I can offer a bit of good as well.

I'm sorry if this is a bit rambling, but maybe it will make sense.